Really struggling and need support. VERY LONG.

This is going to be really lengthy and not directly therapy related, but I've been following the psychotherapy forum for years and I feel safe posting here and asking for support. I'm going through the biggest betrayal of my life and I really need some light, because all I see is darkness.
Five years ago, I met my boyfriend and we became inseparable. He was the most sensitive, thoughtful, caring person I've ever known. He would treat me like a princess. Always minding after me, telling me the biggest words etc. We were both 27 and bad a really dysfunctional relationship with our families, especially our mothers. He was trapped: had dropped off school, no job, was having occasional panic attacks and a lot of difficulty functioning as an adult. I helped him and supported him (he did that for me also, always there to listen for the 100th time my thoughts and fears, reassuring me that he's my rock, that I have to trust him because we are our own family now and we'll take care of each other forever etc). He would take so good care of me, everybody said he was the perfect and most devoted boyfriend of the world. I, on the other hand, would be more difficult. Had outbursts, sometimes treating him bad etc., but always showing him my true face and explaining to him that it was my anger towards my parents that I let off, because I trusted him and thought he could handle it. And he did. And never said anything.
He managed to finish school (after 2-3 years into our relationship) and look for a job. He found one before Christmas: he was going to work as a geologist in oil rigs. He would be away for 1.5 month, and then we would be working 2-3 weeks away from home and have another 2-3 weeks paid time off here at home. Before he left, there was no change whatsoever in our promises, words, dreams about the future etc. None at all! He went there and in his group there were only men and just one woman, age 26, who was in a 7 year old relationship. I was always really insecure and he knew I had much trouble managing my sensitivity and fears. Two and a half weeks passed, and his words were the same. He would send me pictures of apartments to let to check them out, because we were about to move in together; would tell me that I’m his whole life and the only future he had. The last 3-4 days, I had gone mad (now I think that I sensed smth was wrong, even though nothing at all had changed in the surface) and I would fight all the time, hang up the phone to him etc. But he insisted that the only reason he suffers all the hardships there was for us and our future that was about to begin at last (we are both 31 now, and till he found the job the only money he had was a small allowance his mother would send him every month. And he would always tell me how much he appreciated the fact that I was patient enough to support him all these years and that now the time had come for him to take care of me. He even said that I could quit my job, that I hated, if I wanted, because he can support us both, till I find a new one. And that was just 2 days before what happened!). His last text message was that he really hopes we'll be together forever.
And then my world was shuttered. It was March 15th, we were fighting and said we would talk next day to try and find a solution so that our relationship survives the distance and we can be ok etc. He sent me the text about him wanting us to be together forever and said goodnight. The next day he didn't call me till midnight. He told me that yesterday he slept with this woman, the 26 year old. And that he doesn't know what to say, that he couldn't control it, that he is sorry and that he will always love me. I was beyond shocked. I asked him what about our dreams? All these words you kept saying till the last minute? He said he meant them and doesn't know what else to say. I wasn't mad, I just wanted to understand. We hanged up. And he never ever called again. The days passed, and my image of his was so perfect that I had persuaded myself that it was 100% my fault that he did what he did, that I had forced him with my non stop complaints and criticism and lack of support. And that it was all due to stress and me driving him crazy with my insane demands. So I wrote him a really long email, where I acknowledged all my mistakes, asking him to forgive my behavior and to try to make things work. I told him I was willing to forgive him and that I only wanted to listen to him and understand him and make our relationship stronger. He didn't reply. A week passed and I texted him that I'm suffering and I cannot understand how in just one day he stopped talking to me, I was supposed to be his family and now.. silence. I even called him twice. Nothing. And the next day he sent me an email, that was showing a man so weak and pathetic and so avoidant of any responsibility. He told me that he doesn't know how we can ever be together again because what happened with her has happened again. And that what I wrote in my email may have some truth, but it was definitely not the reason for what happened. That he truly believes our relationship was wonderful, it made him completely full and happy, that he’ll probably never find someone so perfect for him or feel so close with anyone else, his love and passion for me hadn’t faded at all, there was nothing missing, that’s why it’s so hard for him to understand why he’s doing what he’s doing. That he knows he would have a full, meaningful and complete life with me, yet he cannot ignore neither explain what he’s feeling. And some other immature words. And in the end, he wrote ‘If you want, we can still meet when I return in 10 days and talk face to face. I love you’. He threw the ball to me. He never explained anything. Just kept saying I don’t know why, I cannot explain it, I am so baffled and confused etc. Who does that? What kind of man treats the woman he supposedly loved more than his life this way? And doesn’t even pick up the phone to see Is she ok after what I’ve done to her? How weak and callous of a behavior is this? In just one day, everything I believed was gone.
And now comes my therapists diagnosis, which I’d also like to share. My ex had a really controlling widow mother. She was obsessed with her children, especially with him, being the most sensitive and caring. When I met him, he just couldn’t say no to her. Ever. I helped him gain strength and start separating himself from her. I had just began therapy and would share what I discussed with my T with him, so that we could both change (because our problem was similar, separating our image from our mother) and have a future as real adults. We would always analyze and talk about every little thing. I knew he had trouble opening up, but trusted him when he told me that if it’s smth important, of course he will share it will me. He even had a long conversation with his mother, a year ago, where he explained her all the wrong she had done him and it was really liberating for him. My T told me that we had a sadistic-masochistic way of relating. Where I'd always be the one saying no and being negative about everything. And it was the only way he would say yes, because that was want was always happening with his mother. She always said no, and that would make him unable not to say yes and not be dependent by her. And because lately I myself was changing, getting two jobs and kind of saying yes to our prospect of a real adult life, he panicked, didn't know how to relate to this new way of relating, so he became the one who said no. And he did smth so dramatic and cruel, because he hadn’t ever learned how it is to say no from time to time. And he believes that if after what he did, I hadn't sent the email or begged him to talk to me and find a solution, he would eventually have returned to me. Because he would interpret it as another rejection from my side, meaning a ‘no’ and would return to take on the role of the one who says yes, when being rejected. And this way of relating would continue. But because I was so mature and open to move on and said yes to us etc. he panicked again and did it again, saying no (He told me it happened again the night I sent the texts begging him to find a solution). But because cannot stand to realize all this, and has persuaded himself that he’s in love and it’s that simple, he says I don't know. And that he chose to turn to someone who is younger, just gotten out of a relationship, hence is emotionally unavailable, so that he won’t have to make the emotional step of completely letting go his mother and making a life of his own with another woman. And that what is really interesting is that it happened the first month that he was ‘freed’ from her, since he made his own money and had just lost the way of connecting with her via the allowance she would send him. He also mentioned that his silence and his email hide a lot of violence; it was cruel and inhuman. He destroys everything because he hasn't forgiven his mother. He told me not to meet with him because nothing will come out of it.
For you who managed to finish this post, thank you. I am feeling really suicidal (no I won’t do anything) and have lost hope in life. I was about to move out of my parents (I work two jobs but the money isn’t enough for me to get a house on my own) with the man I loved and start living my life and in one day everything was lost. He will be here in a few days for at least 3 weeks. I cannot see him. I am broken.

((HarvestMoon))

Moon, I am so sorry for how you have been treated
Something similar happened to me I don't know exactly how you feel but I know how I felt- like my world was over.
Please don't blame yourself for his behaviour, it was not your fault, he chose to be unfaithful, your actions didn't make the decision, he did.
I know you will think if all the bad things you did and said, and this is normal but you are punishing yourself.
I know it's hard to see any light now but maybe you had a lucky escape from him. He isn't accepting any responsibility or giving you any explanation and you deserve more than that. At least a phone call or to talk in person. It's a cold and callous way to deal with things, my ex did the same, broke up, never admitted her affairs and totally cut me off after six years but it wasn't about me it was her. She couldn't face what she had done so blocked it out of her mind and convinced herself she did nothing wrong.
I feel you deserve so much more in a relationship. Do you have good friends right now? I didn't see any mention of friends in your post and it is so important to keep your friends when you enter a relationship because if it ends and it was only the two of you, it's devastating and you have a hard job of rebuilding your life
I am glad you t is very understanding and supportive as you deserve this right now! Please be safe and look after you x

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I have some friends yes, but the truth is we were really isolated from anyone while we were in this relationship. It was just the two of us and occasionally some friends, but mostly in was a very introverted relationship. I wanted all this to change, now that we would have our house and be more open to life, having our jobs and responsibilities, but it never happened. What makes me not being able to process it at all, is that he never showed the smallest doubt for us; he would look me right in the eyes and tell me I need to trust him 100% and that after so many years I should know by now that he's not going anywhere and he's sure about us and everything he says. And his behavior was that of the most caring person of the world. Till the last day. I really don't know how I will be able to trust anyone again. It hurts like I never knew I could hurt. Thank you for your kind words and I'm really sorry you had to go through something so painful as well.

My ex was the same, she told me she loved me till the day we broke up and it came as a huge shock- I am not comparing our relationship harvest but there are a lot if similarities between our exes. Mine tried to isolate me, keep me away from family and friends so I could be all hers but once she had me she changed.
It takes a long time to be able to trust again and I still think you never really know anyone or can trust anyone only ourselves.
It hurts to trust and allow yourself to love someone and to be vulnerable around them and then to be abandoned or worse still betrayed
I suspect your self esteem has fallen now too and you are probably thinking that this other woman was more attractive ext, ext.....
This is not true, it's about him.
I notice you said you had changed lately, perhaps you are getting stronger and he couldn't handle it, or perhaps now he was working for first time he wanted to take control of things himself? Does this sound like you can relate?

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Wow, that must be so painful for you, I can relate so well with a similar experience. I will tell you about it, but first I just have to say - and sorry if this offends you - that man is a jerk! And to be honest , all psychological analysis right now why he acted like he did, what his issues were etc, does it take away that he was a jerk to you? No! The analysis might help sometime, much later in the future, for right now I hope you don't take all that as an excuse. I am afraid it will hurt you more!

I was in love with this guy, an American. I met him, fell in love and he was so in love with me. Our relationship was great! We fought sometimes, but most of the times we were perfect. He would learn to say certain things in my language, which was so sexy ;-) A year into the relationship he proposed to me. I left everything behind to be with him, moved in with him, gave up my secure health plan in my home country and entered experimental treatment here. Anyway, my whole life was with him. One day I came home from treatment at the hospital and he was in bed with another woman!

He fed me the same lines as your guy.. He doesn't know why he is doing it, he loves me and meant everything he said etc..
I left him and my heart was broken. Because of him I am now trapped here. It took me a while until I could forgive him but it will take an ever longer while until I will give him the privilege of an analysis as to why he did what he did and his mother issues.
Sometimes jerks are just jerks.

And I am so sorry your boyfriend turned out to be one! I know how much it hurts and how the betrayal cuts into your heart. But please don't blame yourself. The decision for someone to cheat is always in the cheater. There is no such thing as: "Well, you pushed me to this."

If you'd like to chat or pm, I am here.

Hugs and Love,
Anelia

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Yes, I think it's both that he felt stronger and more confident and didn't know how to handle feeling this way because he hadn't ever felt like this before. And on the other hand, that our lives were moving towards a more mature and real way of relating, as opposed to the dreamland we were living in, and he chose the easy way out, because he wasn't mature enough to be a man about it. But what makes me suffer most is his continuous effort for me to trust him completely, even though he knew more than anyone how much I've been hurt and betrayed in my life by family and how sensitive and weak I was. I had built my whole world around our life, without any reservation. And he never ever expressed the slightest doubt about it. Ever. This is inhuman. And I know that it's not that the other woman was more beautiful, attractive etc. I know it. I know that he did what he did because of his issues and emotional deficiencies, but that doesn't take away the pain of all my dreams collapsing in just one day. How will I trust again? I don't trust my own judgement anymore, since I was so sure about him.

Perhaps he fed off your trust of him, knowing that he could isolate you and you in turn would adore him and devote yourself to him and then when you changed so did he!
I know it's hard to even begin to trust your instincts but don't forget he never gave you any reason to doubt him, he reassured you and promised to be there, who wouldn't trust him!

It is a horrible thing he did, he conditioned you and love bombed you.
The only thing I wanted to say is that you know you loved him and that's the most important thing. You can love and will again and I know your mind is doubting yourself and your intuition but you were tricked into feeling safe
I know this is all very hard to hear now and please tell me to shut up if it's too much and I know your heart is breaking and you are in sooo much pain and it hurts, I know it hurts but with a little kindness and self belief you can mend your heart xxxx

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Harvest, when do you see your t again? I would encourage you to see t as soon as possible since you are feel Sui can you please stay safe and try not to blame yourself

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HM, I am so sorry all of this has happened to you. I had a similar experience the first time I went through therapy. The boy who seemed like my soul mate, the first person I opened up to even a little, just turned weird and started cheating on me and constantly undermining my self esteem. I was devastated. We were so much alike, and he knew more about me than anyone else except my therapist and suddenly he was turning on me. It took me years to get over him (partly, I think because my T graduated and I didn't want to re-start with someone else at the student mental health place). My T also said it had to do with me getting healthier and that being incredible threatening to my boyfriend.

In the end, the best thing this boy ever did for me was to finally break up with me. I would have kept trying to make it work way longer than I should have. He kept dangling hope the way this guy is with you. What made it harder was that I didn't have many friends in my life either -- in the course of therapy, I had discovered that most of my friendships were really dysfunctional and unhealthy as well. My T kept saying that some relationships do not survive therapy, but as painful as that is, in the end it's liberating. And that was, but excruciatingly painful all the same.

For me, things did get SO much better. Getting rid of the unhealthy relationships opened up my life and my time for healthy ones. I hope that you are able to work through this with your T. I feel for you so much. Please take care of yourself and reach out for support whenever you need it.

I'm seeing him Thursday but then he has two weeks off because of Easter vacation. And my ex will be here during this period. For at least 3 weeks. I won't harm myself; I just wish I would stop breathing in my sleep so the pain would end. I know I'm capable of deep love and devotion and I thought I was the luckiest woman on earth to have found such a loving, sensitive and compatible man (because we were compatible in every little thing). I think he couldn't handle taking in one step forward, into real life, having an equal and creative partnership. And all this time, I thought I was the immature one who couldn't be in a mature relationship, and his was the one who always waited till I'm ready. The picture I had in my mind was so distorted that I cannot comprehend or accept what happened. It was the biggest shock out of nowhere. Your posts help me a lot, even though I am not ready to process things at all nor accept how weak and manipulative (no matter the motives) he turned out to be. Right before we parted, he told me he wished he had married me before leaving. And 2.5 weeks later, he did this.

His words and actions don't add up. Nothing adds up and perhaps it doesn't add up for him either and you won't know till you talk, do you want to see him again and talk because I kind of agree with your t, that nothing good will come from it and you will hurt more afterwards, I know it hurts so much already, like a knife through the heart. Believe me the stronger you get and the more you process this with a safe and supportive person such as your t the more your heart will heal
It is such a shock when the one person you love and trust lets you down the most, the pain is insufferable, are you sleeping at night and eating? I hope you are taking care of yourself.
I couldn't eat or sleep and when I did sleep I dreamt about her affair every night. Sometimes the psyche can be so cruel, things do happen for a reason though and now you have to figure out what you want in a relationship, your next loving and healthy relationship which you can have x


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I am not eating a lot, just the minimum to keep going. Have dropped 4-5 kilos since March 15th. I do get some sleep (always having nightmares) but when I wake up, I cannot get back to sleep. The minute I open my eyes is the worst in the whole day. The pain is excruciating and I keep repeating to myself 'you are all alone now, the love you think you had is gone'. No, I won't see him. I hope I am strong enough not to let myself fall into this trap of meeting with him, where the only outcome will be me hurting even more and him saying I don't know why, I can't explain what is happening. It's going to be really hard, with my T away, and knowing that my ex is just 10 minutes away. But I cannot see him. I cannot do this to myself. On the other hand, I need closure. And I don't know how to get it yet. Maybe in a few months, I could write to him one final email, saying why I think he did what he did, and saying my last goodbye. But I'm nowhere near ready yet. I still hope it's a dream and I will wake up to the life I thought I had for 5 years.

I am worried that you will never get closure, what do you expect him to say? He won't admit why he did it and will probably say he doesn't know why, and how will that make you feel?
Please when you wake up in the middle of the night please tell yourself something kind, like " I am free now to make new friends, to start a new life and do the things I always wanted to"!
The things we tell ourselves can make all the difference, telling yourself the love is gone is only going to make you feel so lonely x
You are grieving for a love that is gone, it will take time and plenty of love and self care. I used to wake at 5am every morning and have since learned it's the time that people who are grieving wake, when you wake can you write all the things you feel in a journal and not try to tell yourself things that are going to upset you xx
Sometimes it helps to write him the final letter and say everything you want and let him know how much he hurt you and took your hopes and dreams together away without discussing it with you but don't send it burn it it helps releAse those blocked up feelings

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As heartbreaking as this is harvest_moon, you have to realise that this is not your doing. He made the decision to cheat on you not once but twice, from what he says. He chose and he, and he alone, decided to act on this attraction. If you truly love someone you won’t contemplate looking at someone else, let alone sleep with them.

It will take time to get back on your feet and understandably your trust has taken a nose-dive, but you can get back up again. With time. Let yourself heal & give yourself permission to move on without him. You will be better off anyway as his way of relating to others (to you for instance) is not healthy and he would have dragged you down sooner or later.

For now, you need to take care of yourself and think only of yourself i.e. your emotional and physical well-being.

I know, Rive. In a way, I was 'lucky' it happened now, and not when we would be living together or be married. Because I know that the problem isn't that he met the woman of his dreams and that's why he cheated. The problem was emotional and all his and sooner or later it would have come out, maybe even in more destructive ways. I am trying to survive, day by day.. It really helps posting here and getting perspective from ppl who never knew him.

He is a jerk. He cheated on you. There is NO psychological excuse for that. You're better off without him. I know it is painful, but it is the truth.

I read your whole post, and I feel like I have an idea of the place you're in. I am a bit older now, but here's something that happened to me... when I was in my late 20's I had been in a relationship with this guy for a few years and we got engaged. When we met I was totally in love with him so I thought he was "the one." He had good opportunity if he would move for work so he did, and the plan was we would do the long-distance thing for a few months until I could get a job where he was and then get married. Long story short, I was over a thousand miles away when I found out through a third party, that he was cheating on me and had lied to me. My whole world went into a tailspin, I was in such a state of shock and panic it was a lot like getting news that someone I knew was dead. When I called him he admitted it, and more! It was almost too much to take. Devastated might be an understatement. I decided I had to end it so I did and he sent me a letter or two and a call or two begging me to come back. It took a few months, and then I realized I was already over him! All it took was getting in touch with my anger at him, I was in love with the idea I had found "the one" and didn't need to keep looking... I was not in love with him, he was a liar and a pig. Around a year later I met my husband, who is around a million times better suited for me. A relationship is nothing without trust.

It will suck for a while, and then life will get better. You will meet someone else, and I could almost guarantee they will be better. You need to just focus on you and finding things that make you happy because worshiping a liar is a recipe for disaster... and well honestly, worshiping any one person above all else is usually not a good idea too. Sorry you're suffering now, to minimize it I suggest going out and doing things even though you don't want to, seeing friends, talking to people, rallying support around you to whatever extent you can. If you feel totally alone don't worry though, I was totally alone and I survived.

Petra5ed, I am so sorry that you went through something similar. Your words give me some hope, but it's too early to believe that I will ever trust or love again. Right now, I cannot see any light at all. I know that time is a healer, but it hurts so so much. And it's even worse that he did EVERYTHING possible to make me trust him. He had never shown the slightest flaw or doubt of weakness. Ever. Till the last hour! That's what makes it even harder. What is more, he was the one madly in love with me, and was not. But I learned to love him deeply and trust him with my life. In the end of the day, I was the one capable of true love and devotion, whereas he doesn't even know what these words mean; he just knows how to serve someone, I think it's the most accurate verb I can find.

Reading all your posts made me think of another couple I know. They had a child together and now had to take care of a child in the middle of this, including going to through the courts for custody matters, etc.

So yes, like you say, you have found a silver lining in your painful situation - that's wonderful. It could always be worse. You could have moved in together, gotten married or even had children and then have something happen like this.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so broken. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to be suicidal and struggle. Keep talking. Do what you can to take care of yourself. Get going in activities you enjoy, and try to keep busy. Glad to hear you are meeting with a great t but concerned about the time your ex will be in town 10 mins away from you and wonder if you have a plan for your support during this time?

You mentioned also that you are worried you won't be able to trust again. Well what that made me think of reading your words is that you don't have to. Who says you have to trust anyone again? If you are meant to, you will and you will know, but it makes sense to me that you wouldn't trust anyone again till you are good and ready. And you certainly do not have to.

And as for the pain of brokenness, I couldn't help but think (as awful or however this is going to sound) of how strong this is making you already, how strong you are going to be on the other side of this. There's a great quote by Robert Tew that "Strength of character isn't always about how much you can handle before you break, it's also about how much you can handle after you've broken."

Finally, I wanted to speak about the myth of closure. I'm not sure what this looks like or if it is possible. I know I have chased down "closure" from broken relationships that have ripped open my heart and shattered it to pieces - and I always sought this with the other person, or sought something from the other person... I'm just not sure it is possible. I want to google it and leave you with some nice link to a resource from someone who has studied it, and has found this to be true on a larger scale, but guess I'll just leave you with my own thoughts and feelings on the matter. I don't think closure exists. Closest thing I've found is this this quote here: What is Closure? | The Grief Toolbox

I think your next task (or somewhere down the road) is going to be grieving this massive loss. Sounds like your whole world was built up around this person and the idea of a life together. So while the person may have acted cruelly, horribly, and as a total jerk as another poster mentioned, you might think about approaching the grief work directed just as much towards your ideas and illusions of what this person was, as well as the person themselves. Maybe even direct the grief work entirely on the idea and illusion of the person because maybe, even after all the years together you didn't really even know them. Sadly enough to say. Well, keep going and keep up the good work. It's really a great step you have taken to reach out to others here, so congrats and best hopes for your journey.