"Another print-out! Except this time, I wrote it. Again, I hate to do this to you, but often I have difficulty verbalizing things.

I’ve been finding myself coming out of sessions lately feeling exhausted. While they (the sessions) are immensely helpful beyond measure, I still find myself thinking about certain things that I will never have, can’t have, don’t deserve to have, or shouldn’t have. I’m sure you know what I am referencing, but in case you don’t, please read on.

I recall last session we were talking about my incredible ability to self-sabotage something just when it starts getting good, or even before it gets good. I wonder if I’m using these so-called feelings for you to deflect and put a huge roadblock in the way of getting better, or “healthy,” as you famously call it. It’s a decent possibility, but I don’t think it’s the whole equation. Upon further inspection, these feelings are most likely derived from deep-seated pain caused by loneliness, abandonment, and rejection. Yes, those are obviously the areas that I need to work on in therapy. I’m sure that’s basic Psych 101, but it shouldn’t negate how I feel, either.

I’ve had fantasies of us just simply sitting side by side on a couch, completely silent. Maybe holding your hand, or my head resting on your lap. Or even talking, with reciprocity, about anything and everything. Not just about me and my silly problems. I could probably just listen to you talk for hours, or reading the phone book, because the sound of your voice is comforting yet also thrilling. I could go into more detail there, but I think you get the damn point. On the other side of that coin are the sexual feelings, which for some reason I feel need less explanation. It’s just a matter of chemicals and hormones, right?

Very rarely do I come across a person that I feel actually, “gets me,” so that’s why it’s my natural inclination to want to keep that person in my life, no matter who they are. Is that so wrong? I have to constantly remember that it is indeed your job to appear understanding and empathetic. You’re probably like this with all of your patients. I’m not a ******* special snowflake.

I’m again reminded of that “therapy is like prostitution” analogy. It is a *****’s (I don’t mean to use that term offensively, by the way) job to sell herself and her product to men. She is whatever any man wants her to be; while the dumb man fools himself for the evening into thinking this woman was crafted special, just for him. It can be easy to forget that she is a carbon copy to every other John in the world.

That is a crude way to look at things, yes, but it kind of makes sense. I don’t mean to speak any ills against the therapeutic profession at all. I recognize the upsides and downsides of it, like anything else. My analytical brain loves to find loopholes, which is probably why therapy is so tricky for me in the first place (not to mention frustrating for the clinician treating me!) So, perhaps this is all resultant of my active imagination. Okay, I can buy that.

I know that even if I did quit therapy, you wouldn’t or couldn’t want to be a part of my life afterward, even as friends. Knowing that piece of information is a bit painful, but rejection is a close friend of mine; I should be used to it by now. Where is my thick skin?

Nevertheless, I see myself getting the boot after this letter. I want you to know that you do help me, so much, in many ways. If you didn’t, I would have quit a long time ago. I probably wouldn’t even have had the self-confidence to score my job, ask people out on dates, deal with my family, problem-solve in a crisis, etc. I definitely appreciate your insights; so don’t doubt your methods here.

I’ve told you about my feelings before, but not really in depth. I hope they don’t disgust you. I realize it’s problematic if I’m still even thinking or talking about this, so I’m sorry for any inconveniences I may have caused on your part. I won’t leave therapy unless you think it’s best for me, and it might be. These are, at the end of the day though, just thoughts. If it's possible to work through them, please teach me how. If not, it was nice knowing you and all that jazz."

[Cherubbs]

Nicely written but why compare her to a *****? I am familiar with the analogy but it remains a pretty offensive one IMO. I always find it odd that people use that word about any profession outside of escorts and even those we don't call *****s anymore but I guess Ts are used to it, it seems they get called that all the time.
Anyway I think it's a very nicely written and endearing letter.

[CantExplain]

I don't think you'll get the boot.

[Mactastic]

I admire your courage so, so much. In a lot of ways I could have written that very letter. As a matter of a fact, I was just thinking about the prostitution analogy yesterday! I don't think you'll get the boot after this letter. He has supervision and (by virtue of his chosen profession) has pledged to help those in emotional pain and cause no further harm to those in his care.

[SabinaS]

I don't think you'll get the boot either. It's a lovely letter, send it.

[HazelGirl]

I don't think you will be forced to leave. What you're feeling is normal and something most T's have dealt with a lot.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by winenot3

If it's possible to work through them, please teach me how.

It seems to me that this is what you really want. This seems like the truth. The rest of the letter, including "it was nice knowing you . . . " and waxing on about prostitution, doesn't ring authentic for me. Instead, it seems like a bunch of defensive justifications about why you feel the way you do and trying to deflect the reality of that.

I think that you might be better off just going to therapy and telling her you wrote this long letter about your feelings, but you realized at the end of it that you wanted to work through your feelings and you're scared that if you say them out loud, she'll reject you. Then just say them.

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

It seems to me that this is what you really want. This seems like the truth. The rest of the letter, including "it was nice knowing you . . . " and waxing on about prostitution, doesn't ring authentic for me. Instead, it seems like a bunch of defensive justifications about why you feel the way you do and trying to deflect the reality of that.

I think that you might be better off just going to therapy and telling her you wrote this long letter about your feelings, but you realized at the end of it that you wanted to work through your feelings and you're scared that if you say them out loud, she'll reject you. Then just say them.

Thank you. You're absolutely right. I think this will save me a lot of time just by saying those exact words out loud. I do often deflect...though I felt like this letter would be something he responded well to, BECAUSE I can't find the courage to speak up very often, let alone my feelings in detail. He loved the list I brought in last time, because it gave him some concrete evidence to base things on.

So, I dunno. I know it's better to just get the point, but even he knows I'm never good at that. Isn't he supposed to help me in that regard?

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by winenot3

I know it's better to just get the point, but even he knows I'm never good at that. Isn't he supposed to help me in that regard?

This is a great thing to ask him to help you with. But it seems like you've already grown enough in therapy to actually get to it, even if it's at the end of a long letter.

I think you're a really good writer, which makes engaging in this kind of task easier for you than lots of people. I see this kind of writing as therapeutic, in that it helps you identify your feelings. Once you do, then it might be more helpful to just say what you need to say in therapy.

Maybe you could hand him the letter and say he could read it if he wanted, but highlight the sentences that "get to the point?" Say, that's what I want to work on now.

[RTerroni]

I think that it would be unethical for your Therapist to break things off with you anyway.

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I think that it would be unethical for your Therapist to break things off with you anyway.

What makes you say that?

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

This is a great thing to ask him to help you with. But it seems like you've already grown enough in therapy to actually get to it, even if it's at the end of a long letter.

I think you're a really good writer, which makes engaging in this kind of task easier for you than lots of people. I see this kind of writing as therapeutic, in that it helps you identify your feelings. Once you do, then it might be more helpful to just say what you need to say in therapy.

Maybe you could hand him the letter and say he could read it if he wanted, but highlight the sentences that "get to the point?" Say, that's what I want to work on now.

Again, thank you! I'm starting to wonder if maybe the reason we haven't been working on this is because he's a CBT therapist. Perhaps I would be better suited toward the psychodynamic approach? Because I have already discussed my feelings with him TWICE already and not once have we picked up and talked about it again. Is he expecting this to just go away? I think if I was able to do that, I would have done it already...

He is very solution-based. Perhaps this is frustrating because 1. it involves him, and 2. there is no real SOLUTION for this, besides either rejecting me, or breaking the boundaries and getting closer with me how I want. I don't see it working well for either of those scenarios. I think he knows that. I almost feel bad for him...it's probably just as difficult for him as it is for me, just in the fact that he wants to help, but doesn't know how.

What a tricky situation this is...

Originally Posted by Mactastic

I admire your courage so, so much. In a lot of ways I could have written that very letter. As a matter of a fact, I was just thinking about the prostitution analogy yesterday! I don't think you'll get the boot after this letter. He has supervision and (by virtue of his chosen profession) has pledged to help those in emotional pain and cause no further harm to those in his care.

Thank you! I'm glad that you see the point in my prostitution analogy, haha. I'm starting to wonder if it's just too much for him to give him this letter. I mean that list of quotes was one thing, but this is directly stating it. Sometimes I wonder if I should just tone myself down, because frankly, I can get dramatic very easily.

And what if his supervision says to drop me?

Also I wanted your opinion on a post I made below regarding my T practicing CBT instead of psychodynamic. It's an interesting point that I haven't really thought about until now... and maybe that's why it's difficult for him?

[Mactastic]

Originally Posted by winenot3

Also I wanted your opinion on a post I made below regarding my T practicing CBT instead of psychodynamic. It's an interesting point that I haven't really thought about until now... and maybe that's why it's difficult for him?

For some reason I thought he was PD not CBT. It's my general understanding that the relationship does hold more importance in PD than CBT but I don't think that's a hard-fast rule. Really, you won't know unless you try. I mean, can you see yourself continuing therapy successfully if you can't get your feelings across and feel safe? Something to think about....

Originally Posted by Mactastic

For some reason I thought he was PD not CBT. It's my general understanding that the relationship does hold more importance in PD than CBT but I don't think that's a hard-fast rule. Really, you won't know unless you try. I mean, can you see yourself continuing therapy successfully if you can't get your feelings across and feel safe? Something to think about....

Sometimes I feel like he mixes a bit of both in there. He does encourage me to be completely open and direct and has said before that he appreciates it, because he is very similar. We are very direct with each other except for this ONE thing...because it involves him. Anything else is cake to talk about, really.

So yes. I do feel safe, no matter what, talking about things. I feel safe discussing my feelings towards him, as I know he won't get angry or weird on me. If he was going to dismiss me from therapy I know he would do it as gently as possible and say that it probably isn't in his expertise to deal with this. That I would understand. Mostly I'm just left confused. I'm starting to wonder if maybe this isn't completely all of my fault after all?

For example, he STILL to this day has not said to stop texting him, even though he doesn't respond to a lot of the stuff I sent him nowadays that are a bit outlandish. (for example, the other day I was eating after session at a restaurant right by the practice, and told him that I was the only one dining alone, while everyone else was either with family, friends, sig. other, etc. He didn't respond back. He responds to other things though.

Still. Maybe he has some issues himself that he needs to work out regarding boundaries? Now I'm genuinely curious! (I know I shouldn't care about what he wants or needs, but I think it's clear here that I absolutely do).

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by winenot3

What makes you say that?

I just think that it would make the person look bad if they did.

Originally Posted by winenot3

I'm starting to wonder if maybe the reason we haven't been working on this is because he's a CBT therapist. Perhaps I would be better suited toward the psychodynamic approach? Because I have already discussed my feelings with him TWICE already and not once have we picked up and talked about it again. Is he expecting this to just go away? I think if I was able to do that, I would have done it already...

That explains a lot!

Yes, I agree it seems like you might be better suited for psychodynamic therapy. Maybe this therapist helped you for what you needed before, but now things have evolved and you need something more?

BTW-no quality therapist would sever the relationship over these kind of feelings. The letter is fine. Let us know how it goes.

Originally Posted by skies

That explains a lot!

Yes, I agree it seems like you might be better suited for psychodynamic therapy. Maybe this therapist helped you for what you needed before, but now things have evolved and you need something more?

BTW-no quality therapist would sever the relationship over these kind of feelings. The letter is fine. Let us know how it goes.

So does this mean that he isn't trained or equipped to deal with this sort of thing? I definitely agree with you that I would like more of the psychodyamic therapy. Maybe I could ask my T about that? I mean...I don't want to leave him either, but it might be more helpful instead of CBT. Then of course I'd have to suffer the loss of not having him in my life, but look how well that's turning out? Again, I don't think it's his fault!

Originally Posted by winenot3

So does this mean that he isn't trained or equipped to deal with this sort of thing? I definitely agree with you that I would like more of the psychodyamic therapy. Maybe I could ask my T about that? I mean...I don't want to leave him either, but it might be more helpful instead of CBT. Then of course I'd have to suffer the loss of not having him in my life, but look how well that's turning out? Again, I don't think it's his fault!

Yes, and yes. I think you have a healthy way of looking at this.

He sounds kind and patient, but I'd suspect that he has no idea about what he's supposed to do. You can still take all of the good from your relationship with you should you decide to pursue help from someone with more expertise in this area.

I think it's a great idea to ask him about psychodynamic therapy.

[Petra5ed]

I don't think you'll get the boot. Actually you're a really good writer so I wouldn't worry about that. I do think your T will analyze the $h1t out of it though

[Petra5ed]

I'm just making this up, based on my limited experience in therapy where problems are responded to with questions haha ... But, what do you think you want him to do/say? For example, do you want him to take you out a date, or just straight to the sack, or do you want him to reject you, or maybe he can connect it to something in your childhood analytically and really piss you off... I'm just curious because I ran into the same issue and then wondered what I wanted, like even asking myself am I actually trying to seduce my T or what? I thought long about what I wanted when I told my T about my transference, and ended up deciding I wanted his reaction. I wanted to know for example, would he try to take advantage of me once I laid this on the table, how uncomfortable will he be with this, will he terminate me now, refer me on etc? I even had kind of rationalized it out, like well I'm growing to be attached so if he hates me/tries to f me better to find out now than in a year.

[Lauliza]

You are such a good writer that I really liked reading this letter - you express your feelings so well here. I don't think he would terminate you at all. In fact, from your other post about the list you gave him, I think your T will certainly be touched/ intrigued by it. That being said, although he might spend a lot of time thinking about what you wrote, I don't know if he will go into great depth discussing it. As you point out, his being a CBT therapist may mean he doesn't put a huge amount of stock into transference. Not that he wouldn't be sensitive to your feelings or that he'd dismiss them. He just may not see them as an integral part of your therapy. It also does depend on what it is you think you're looking for in his response, if anything. The anticipation of a reaction can be exhilarating...I remember that feeling myself when I'd think about bringing up my feelings with my pdoc. It was exciting to fantasize about the possible reactions from him, good and bad. I chose not to expose too much of myself, but that's just me. And maybe a more psychodynamic t would be what you prefer, but you also might not get a t that elicits these feelings from you. Then would you be disappointed that you changed? I'm just writing off the top of my head so I might be way off, but I thought it could be another point to consider. Especially if he is helping you so much otherwise.

[unaluna]

Along the lines of what petra5ed said: what would it mean if he said yes? If he had joined you for dinner? I imagine myself and my t in a similar situation and all i can see is awkward. Its like i can SEE his friends and family and lovers and whoever around him, and they have a past at the dinner table with him, or in a car eith him, but i only have a past in THAT ROOM with him. For me its very science fictionish.

What it would mean if he said yes to me was very analytical and related to my childhood - but it was the same as if any man said yes to me. It meant i was okay in my mothers eyes and taken care of. Unfortunately that was just her fantasy and totally unrelated to reality!

So - what if he said yes? And its saturday morning chore - store time. Picture this. Its harder than picturing a romantic encounter!