Being spontaneous

This week, I wrote out a list of things I want my T and I to try that might help me be more comfortable, and I had her read this list. My T commented on the fact that I feel unable to be spontaneous with her and just do some of the things on the list instead of asking her if I can first. For example, I kind of want to hold one of the pillows, but I feel like I need her permission first. Otherwise it might really surprise her and I already feel pretty self-conscious, so it would embarrass me if she was too surprised. It is a problem because I don't look around her room a lot, so I feel like I need permission to do that too. Then I don't end up doing it. My T said that when I ask for permission, the relationship is more artificial instead of real.

Does anyone else have problems with being spontaneous in therapy, or is it not an issue for you? Do you have any thoughts on what that's about, or how to be more spontaneous?

Is your therapist intimidating to you?

When I was about 17, I saw an eminent psychoanalyst. She had a huge, posh, dark, art-filled office. I was a bit cowed and didn't feel comfortable at all. Sure, she could tell me to be comfortable, but telling me how to feel doesn't usually work: between her style of therapy and the trappings of her position, I never did get comfortable. So... I wonder if any of that resonates with you.

On the other hand, if you want to be more spontaneous and don't think it's related to the office or the person.... have you considered telling her your worst fears? Like, talk to her about the absolute worst outcome if you picked up that pillow....

would she think you were a freak for manhandling it? Would she think you must be super insecure or childish? Would she want your grimy hands off it? Ha....

That's a "game" I used to play with my first counselor, and I loved it and found it helpful... asking why I'm holding back, basically, what is the worst thing that could happen. Sometimes that helped defuse my fears a bit.

She is pretty intimidating to me. But not because of her credentials or her office-she's a very modest, simplistic person. I think it might be because she has strong boundaries that sometimes confuse or surprise me because I wouldn't expect her to have an issue with something, and she does. For example, she really didn't want to talk about what I was going to do as far as schooling after college because she said it was more guidance counselor territory and not what she was here for. But there are also times when I expect her to be more strict and am surprised that she's not (for example, she let me ask her questions for an entire session, but I've only asked like 1 or 2 questions about herself for my entire 3 years with her). So that may be playing a part in it.

Thanks for the helpful suggestion about talking about the worst thing that could happen. I did tell her that I was afraid she would think it was weird, but I didn't dig deeper and consider specifically what she would think. Your example of me manhandling it or seeming childish both resonated with me. Maybe I should think deeper about her specific thoughts when I am afraid to do something. It sounds like it would help me see how lightly my concerns should really be impacting me. Thanks Leah!

I was afraid to even look at my ts bookshelves when i started with him. He has a big basket of toys by his door and everytime i walked in or out, i thought to myself, those toys are for other kids, not me. Thats my mothers voice. Its so weird you should mention pillows - i left a trail of unsqueezed pillows on so many ts couches.

I don't usually put spontaneous and therapy in the same sentence. I have been seeing the woman for about 4 years, and I won't move the clock on her table so I can see it if it is not already at an angle where I can. I pull out my watch and rest it on my knee. So I can't imagine what I would do spontaneously or why it would be good.

CBT T shares an office with some of his interns, including someone who works w/kids.
The office is small anyways So the bookcase behind where T sits is overfilled with toys, games, stickers, kids' books crayons etc. On top of the bookcase are three big teddy bears, that I am pretty sure make T uneasy (they sort of loom over his shoulder.) He has also whacked his elbow into the toy bins behind him on more than one occasion.

Last week, a small basket of mini play-doughs appeared within arm's reach on the side table near his clock. I was so tempted to play with it to keep my nervous hands busy. I thought he might get weirded out and ask me to put it back. I have really strong urges to see what else he has in the room.

We meet in the AM and sometimes his lunch or breakfast will be in a tupperware container, out on his counter. Or a couple of greek yogurts. I have the urge to get those bad boys refrigerated.

I'd love to be more spontaneous too! Not sure where it would lead.

I will never forget the day I was walking out the door after a session -- we met in a small, cluttered office that belonged to another T and I never looked around either -- I happened to have my head slightly left and there was a bookshelf or something right there and on it were 3 elephants! Talk about surprise, LOL! I was not expecting that at all? Anyway, I wrote a poem about that experience, how there can be elephants in the room and yet I did not see them until months or years into the therapy and I shared the poem with my T the next session and that freed me a great deal; I could look around a lot more and discuss looking around or not, etc. From then on I decided to take "control" of the room for myself. One week I came in and the recliner I sat in was too far back against the wall to recline so I hauled it further into the room (closer to T :-) so I could recline some, etc. I got so bold I criticized my T! She would root around on the other therapist's desk to find a piece of paper to put down on the chair seat she used as a footrest (so as not to get her shoes on the cloth of the chair seat) and I thought that was funny/odd; what if that was an important piece of paper? She explained her process and how she knew it was not something important, LOL. Sometimes we had to meet in the "Director's" room, which was huge and much nicer and where she got a real chair with footrests, etc. and the next week, when we were back in the small room, we talked about the different experience; in the big room she was almost "next" to me rather than quite so across and the distance was different, etc. But all this noticing and talk about the physical surroundings, which were a bit safer than talking about "us" or people? helped to pave the way to talk to her. . . and to talk about us and people.

I had more of a problem when I started out and when I first got to know them. Now I get up and sit on the floor randomly if I want or just play with random things around the room.

I got there I guess by getting more comfortable with them. I needed to know they wouldn't leave me if I did something they disliked. We just talked about things I like that makes me feel comfortable and worked up to stuff that made me uncomfortable. And we know each other. I know how she'll react before I do anything. I think asking for permission at first is fine. You have to get a feel for how she handles stuff before doing anything else.

I have a problem with apologizing too much. It's different but kinda similar because coming in and redirecting yourself to just a small space, looking one specific place, being all tight like that is being apologetic about you being there. I used to always sign my emails off to LCM with "I'm so sorry". She eventually told me to stop
It with the sorry so I signed off the next email with "you're welcome" in a sarcastic kind of way. The strange thing is that changing that one thing made me feel less apologetic. I am grateful and thankful and I thank her all the time, but I apologize less.

Maybe challenge yourself to look at a new thing every session?

I think I know how you feel. My T doesn't have any toys in her room, but I feel a similar sense of being undeserving to look around. I don't feel like I have a right since I haven't in so long. And yes, we're in the same boat with the pillows! I guess they're on every T's couch for a reason, but it feels so bold to grab one. It would almost be like I was assuming I could be myself, but I don't want to assume that kind of thing in case I'm wrong.

I wonder too a little about why it's necessary to be spontaneous in therapy. If I've given my T the list of things I want us to try, why wouldn't she help me try them? I get that me being spontaneous will help with independence (this was my T's reasoning), but why not let the independence happen gradually? Why does it have to be initiated by me right away? I'm not sure.

Thanks growlycat, those were interesting examples! I think maybe from what you've written, it actually helped me to see where it would lead! I'm not too sure about what playing with the play-dough would signify, but if you put his lunch in the fridge, maybe this would signify a desire to take care of him. To not be the person that causes his food to go bad because he has to see you before he eats it? Maybe that would lead to an interesting conversation. My thoughts are that being spontaneous may reveal what is in the subconscious, similar to the common technique in therapy of saying whatever is on your mind without censoring. But acting however we wish is a little different than talking, and I'm not sure our T's would want us to be spontaneous all the time. Or maybe there's just a difference between being spontaneous and being impulsive.

Wow, how metaphorical! I will remember that example especially since I love elephants. It's so strange how things like that happen. Funny thing is, last year my T had an office in a different building, and I asked to take a picture of the office to remember it. In the picture I saw that she had a mug with elephants on it, so there's another elephant in the room example!

Good for you for taking control of the room. You took such an empowering attitude about your circumstance, and I hope I can do the same.

I think this is the approach my T is taking now. For the past couple months, we've talked a lot about my eye contact and looking around the room. Now she says she thinks we should be focusing more on the reasons why I can't look around. So I think I understand what you mean.

I would like to get to the place where I can do random things too, if only because I think it would increase my trust for my T. I keep asking myself why I can't be spontaneous, if I fear her leaving me like you have. But I have only a month left with her, so I'm really not worried about her kicking me to the curb early. So what could it be? Maybe I fear her judgment, but she has said many times that she won't judge me. Maybe I just need to grit my teeth and do it, and as you say, I'll learn how she reacts and I could use that in the future.

That's really interesting- I never thought of that connection before, but I think it sort of is like apologizing for being there. Or in my case, it could be even deeper: apologizing for having maternal feelings for her. Thanks for the insight. I'm glad you were able to stop apologizing in your emails. I'll try to take that attitude and start looking around.

She is leaving in a month? That could be part of the problem. Why trust someone who is going to leave anyway? One of my T's is leaving in a month too. I find myself naturally pulling back and "divorcing" her early. Your hesitation could be out of fear of it hurting more when she leaves next month.

But the maternal transference also adds another layer. I also have maternal transference for another T. With her, it is different because I had an excessively domineering and abusive mother growing up. Basically, this woman was so over the top that she brushed my teeth for me until I was about 13 years old and then just suddenly set me free when I left for college. I was lost and confused and didn't know how to do anything for myself. I still struggle with that but it isn't quite as bad anymore.

But the nature of my maternal transference is mostly seeing this T as an idealized mother figure but at the same time like my actual mother which doesn't really make sense when I put it like that. I don't feel comfortable leading the conversation with my T because I had to assume a submissive role with my actual mother. I wait for her to tell me what to do because I feel lost and confused without guidance. I don't feel like I know what I'm doing or that I have the right to start the conversation. So I often find myself waiting for T to start talking or to pick a topic. The only way I can do better with bringing up stuff is if she had been talking for a while or writing out something of an outline before session.