Your virtual question

My therapist has talked to me a lot about my "virtual question" and I always had difficulty to grasp what it means and how to find my virtual question, one that will help me look at things from a different perspective.
Before I got sick, my virtual question always was: "Will I ever be safe anywhere?" A question that lead to me moving around a lot, living a life on the run almost. I realized in my therapy that, had I changed my question to "What can I do to make myself (feel) safe?", I could have lived a much better life and many anxieties would have been less intense.

To me, my virtual question lately was "How much longer can I live?" And it did fill me with a lot of emotions, anxiety and fear. Because that question has an almost definite answer that I know I won't like. So no wonder I have been feeling on edge almost all the time. I have changed my question to "What can I do to fill the time I have with love, care, fulfillment and peace?" And things feel different for me, a little easier. Ok, not completely blissful, but with this question in mind I feel I have choices and opportunities, because there are many answers.

So I got the newsletter from PC today and the first article was about exactly that topic.
The Most Important Question We Can Ask is a Virtual Question | Healthy Romantic Relationships

What is your view on that?

Thank you for this. I will learn from it, to make myself safe and not rely on others or my external environment. I know I have so many anxieties around it, anxieties that are hurting my quality of life. Thank you.

Well, it's certainly one framework for the explanation of thought patterns. It seems as if the authors of the article are claiming that it is always a useful framework, which I disagree with, and I am personally better served by other models. But if it works for other people, it's all good.

I wonder why they came up with that name for it, though. I don't see anything virtual about the example questions they list. (I do know that a snappy memorable name for new concepts is important, otherwise people will forget about them or mix them up with other similar concepts.)

The name comes from the fact that these questions are not something conscious, not something we actually speak out loud or are aware of. They are formed in the mind based on our experiences and background or present situations.
One of the definitions of "virtual" is: Existing or resulting in essence or effect though not in actual fact, form, or name.

We can however find our virtual questions if we consciously think about it. I found mine by talking to my therapist about it many times. And when I knew what mine was, I knew I could change my question and make it a conscious one. It takes practice because I had to repeat the question over and over, write it down etc. Now I ask this question every morning, I even speak it out loud into the mirror. "What can I do today to fill my day with what I need, to make it special, to make it matter, to make me feel better?"
It does help me, because it reminds me every day that I am not gone yet and have powers!

And it doesn't mean I am always happy-smiley-go-lucky. It takes a lot of energy for me sometimes to make my answers to the questions actually practical. And I do deal with a lot of stuff at the moment that is absolutely horrible and heartbreaking and more than I think I can handle. But I think my question changes my attitude towards all this.

I find this useful as an exercise. For me, my virtual question is "how can I live my life less reactively and more intentionally?

Im surprised its not on google as a thing. I know spalding gray used to ask people something similar when he interviewed them on stage So that was like over ten years ago, so its not new. I forget how he put it tho. It was a very t thing.

Thank you for this; I just bought Eagle's book (the article's author(s)), Reright your life, an Introduction to Reology. It looks like it might help me with some of my current virtual fears about my future life.

Yes, thanks, I am aware of what "virtual" means. And using the term here implies that there are, quite literally, questions that lurk in the subconscious. I don't think language philosophers would agree that that is possible - questions are a feature of language, after all.

But they can call the concept "green eggs and ham questions" for all I care - it doesn't actually matter as long as they define it clearly.

I found the article on virtual questions very enlightening. Does anyone know where this stems from is it NLP as I cant find much on it in Google searches. It does remind me of the Miracle Question in solution focused therapy.

Interesting. The first thing that comes to mind when I think about what mine is - is "Why am I so stupid?" Jeez, after 2.5 years of therapy and tons of progress that I've made that STILL springs to mind first. I'm going to work on reframing this.

That's a wise question you're asking yourself. It's impressive to see your progress and how your virtual question has changed over time.

It was, what are you afraid of?

I think mine is, "how can I make my life better?" I had gone many years without paying much attention to the deficits in my life, but just putting up with them, and being unhappy. Now I view myself more as an architect with control over how my life is. What is hard is when I realize something needs changing but then must deliberately not change it due to competing interests or needs. That's hard! To sit still, be patient, and do nothing when one wants to change.