[Asiablue]

I just don't want to go back to therapy. I imagine not going and finding freedom from the roller-coaster ride, from all the feelings and memories, from living life with an open wound. If I stopped, no, things wouldn't be resolved and I have no idea if i'd end up having to go back, but having money to do other things would be nice and improve my life somewhat just by being less isolated. I wonder if I've absorbed enough of therapy to just get on with life for a while.

Some weeks I am so grateful for therapy and it feels like a very important lifeline. Other times i just want off the ride. I'm sick of myself, the way I act around my therapist, she brings out my bad side, my vulnerable side, my needy side, etc

Sincerely thinking of just taking an extended break from it all, but nervous at the prospect too. And it's not that I want to stop therapy as such, i just want to stop the open wound feeling, the worrying about what's going to happen next in therapy that'll create a rupture...

[LaborIntensive]

Well it's simply two choices. Go, Don't Go.

Not going puts you back where you are now and with no one to talk to. Going at least gets you closer to venting the issues out and having someone to share with who knows the details.

[Leah123]

I think there's a third choice, because I've made it myself recently. I changed challenging therapy to supportive therapy. The intensity of my therapy and the intensity of my life got to be too much to deal with concurrently, so I worked with my therapist on adjusting the therapy. For several sessions, we focused on a positive poem she selected and had very gentle, positive, affirming chats where I could express my emotions as needed but mostly just work on visualizing a safe space, a mental oasis, and delight in the side of therapy where we remember that creativity and joy are as healing as the other work. I'm going back to more traditional sessions now but with a better, calmer outlook and doing some family history work around the more positive parts of my family tree, it's a welcome change too, to tell the *whole* story not just the traumatic parts.

[blur]

i like what leah said, focusing on the positive as well as the negative. what is right with us, our past and our lives. another option might be to go every other week rather than weekly. i think that can give a little breathing room. also, you could ask your T to help you work on getting more involved in life and meeting people. doing something similar to life coaching which is goal-directed, positively-focused and practical.

[HazelGirl]

I can totally understand this. I feel the same way sometimes.

[Nightlight]

I think that often in long term therapy, the therapist’s beliefs and values tend to become internalised by the client. It’s so easy to then support therapy as the best way to manage a difficult life and to make progress towards goals. Only you can decide if the open wounds and rollercoaster ride are the best way to balance what you want in your life in the present moment and what you want in the future. If therapy isn’t helping to make the present moment any better, then hopefully it’s making the future look a bit more promising. But then, since we only live in the present moment, if the future is always looking promising, but the present moment always sucks and that future never gets any closer...

I think it’s okay to take a step back and it’s okay to keep going. Only you know what is right for you, but it doesn’t have to be a black and white irreversible decision. Maybe it is that supportive focus that you need at the moment, or less intensity by reducing frequency of sessions, which also frees up a bit of money and time for other things.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Why not try to skip a session here and there to give yourself a break? Or even taking a week or two off? You will gain a better understanding of what you want and need right now and if it truly is beneficial to keep going. Discuss it with your Therapist first, so she doesn't analyze the situation as "strange behavior". It's always better for T to be on board and know how you're feeling.

I also agree with Leah's stance. If taking a break is not an option, perhaps taking a break from the heavy and hard stuff will help a bit. Allow the therapeutic relationship to become well-rounded so you could have those positive and affirming appointments when you need them. Sometimes I will go in and say "I really don't want to cry today" and my T always responds with "Nope! No crying!"
And we end up having a lighthearted session, talking about the future and dreams and goals. I find those sessions so motivating and empowering. Sometimes I also just need a session where we laugh the entire time. I don't always have enough laughter in my life so it's healing to go "not care" and have fun for an hour. She lets me do whatever I need.

Just a few suggestions.
I know it's tough, I totally get how you feel. I'm sorry you're struggling.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Ambra]

I totally relate..
Do you think it could be because of many "tough" sessions in a row? Maybe you want to consider talking to your therapist and having some lighter ones where you feel less vulnerable. Or less sessions just for a period to see how it goes.

[stopdog]

I find breaks useful.

[SoupDragon]

From my own experience breaks can be useful and sometimes not, but then so can going to therapy be useful and sometimes not.

So ultimately I tell myself if I was really clear about stopping, then that is what I would do without there being any huge dilemma involved. Like I know that peanut butter makes me sick, so I don't eat it, whilst olives I sometimes like and sometimes don't, therefore I continue to eat them and am sometimes glad I have and at other times, they are a huge effort to eat.

I understand what I mean at least

Soup

[Asiablue]

Thanks for all the suggestions. We will have a break in May anyway since she's going on holiday for a week. I like the idea of less intense sessions. I do have very emotionally intense sessions and since it's art therapy, maybe i could focus on just doing the art and not so much talking?

I know I'm probably not ready to fully give up therapy. I don't think it would be a smart move right now, i think i just wish it was all over. And I find the whole connection to someone else very difficult, very challenging. And the "therapeutic alliance" just holds up a mirror and shows me exactly what i missed out in from my parents and what I should have had and what i'll never have and it's just really painful. Plus I can have that attunement, that warmth and safety for as long as I'm paying for it and as long as I'm going to therapy and after that there's nothing...

I know this is something a lot of people here deal with. This isn't a new or original dilemma. I'm even boring myself with it all!!

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

This isn't a new or original dilemma. I'm even boring myself with it all!!

That so strikes a chord with me - I live that dilemma everyday - although my T is trying to get me to look at myself as different parts, rather that a "whole" that is continually faced with conflict - so maybe the struggle is that 1 part of me wants to quit, while other parts see it as a good idea to keep going - maybe all parts need to be in agreement for the struggle to cease.

I once told my T that going to sessions was like going to the dentist - I hate going but know it is good for me.

Soup

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Plus I can have that attunement, that warmth and safety for as long as I'm paying for it and as long as I'm going to therapy and after that there's nothing...

I don't believe that. I believe when we're done with therapy, really done, it's because we're able to carry that warmth, safety, and attunement sensation with us- we internalize our therapist, as we would have internalized good-enough parents if we had them. My own therapist did a long course of therapy, and when she was done, she says it was because she became her own therapist. Also, the work in therapy enables us to create better external relationships too. Have hope.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I don't believe that. I believe when we're done with therapy, really done, it's because we're able to carry that warmth, safety, and attunement sensation with us, we internalize our therapist, as we would have internalized good-enough parents if we had them. My own therapist did a long course of therapy, and when she was done, she says it was because she became her own therapist. Also, the work in therapy makes you able to create external relationships that are better too. Have hope.

I keep needing reminded of this!! I forget that if i stay the course, at the end I can feel differently that I do now.
I think i even talked about this last week with my T- that there's no way round, just thru. And at the end I'll feel much differently than i do now. How could i forget that i literally just had this conversation with my T less than a week ago?

Thanks for the reminder Leah!

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

That so strikes a chord with me - I live that dilemma everyday - although my T is trying to get me to look at myself as different parts, rather that a "whole" that is continually faced with conflict - so maybe the struggle is that 1 part of me wants to quit, while other parts see it as a good idea to keep going - maybe all parts need to be in agreement for the struggle to cease.

I once told my T that going to sessions was like going to the dentist - I hate going but know it is good for me.

Soup

I think that's true, that the only reason it feels like a dilemma is because different parts feel and think different things.

[matti2u]

I too struggle with talking with someone. The money, the time, the stress, etc. they all add to my anxiety. Mine is an hour and a half away from me. (which is the closet one) The hardest part for me is scheduling. If I am having a good day, I feel like I am paying someone to chat with me. If I am having a rough or bad day, then I just don't want to talk at all. Then when something triggers me and I talk, then I beat myself up for sharing the craziness in my head.

[Favorite Jeans]

My partner is fond of taking breaks and specifically finding something else therapeutic to do with the time and/or money she'd be using on therapy. She has for example, decided that a really clean house would be of great benefit and hired a cleaning company. She's gotten massages and spa treatments. I think once she bought an item of clothing that she'd been wanting. She always goes back but I think she finds it helpful to feel she has some breathing room from time to time.

I love the idea of taking breaks but at the moment I really feel compelled to keep going. My therapist always talks about spending some time just relaxing or working on calming and centering stuff. But somehow if I'm upset I feel compelled to address that and if I'm calm I don't feel the need for further calming. I'm like the guy with the hole in his roof who can't fix it when it's raining because it's too wet out and when it's sunny it works as well as anyone's roof.

[Asiablue]

I'm still really wavering about what to do. I like the idea of a break but scared of it too. And like you favouritejeans, compelled to go. I don't want to give up, like everything else i end up giving up. I want to see this to the end but at the same time tired of it and fearful of it.

[learning1]

Maybe just try a break for one week then? That should save enough $ at least to eat out or do something extra? (I don't remember if you're just paying copays. If you're paying full price then it will save a lot more obviously.) And if you just take a break for one week, it's not like you're giving up therapy or making a big decision about it. Just see how it feels and then decide whether to take another break after the next session.

[blur]

asia, i know you are dealing with feeling very isolated and i wonder if group therapy or a support group might be a place to start with that. sort of like PC but in real life. i know you've mentioned when you've tried taking a class it's been really hard for you to stick it out but maybe something with a therapeutic focus might alleviate that nervousness since everyone there is also seeking some sort of healing. even an art journaling class might be good if that isn't too much art in addition to therapy.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by blur

asia, i know you are dealing with feeling very isolated and i wonder if group therapy or a support group might be a place to start with that. sort of like PC but in real life. i know you've mentioned when you've tried taking a class it's been really hard for you to stick it out but maybe something with a therapeutic focus might alleviate that nervousness since everyone there is also seeking some sort of healing. even an art journaling class might be good if that isn't too much art in addition to therapy.

I've looked for those sorts of things in my area and there's nothing. Group therapy is really scarce here for some reason. Otherwise I'd definitely look into that. Art journaling I think is the same but I'll look again. Thanks

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by learning1

Maybe just try a break for one week then? That should save enough $ at least to eat out or do something extra? (I don't remember if you're just paying copays. If you're paying full price then it will save a lot more obviously.) And if you just take a break for one week, it's not like you're giving up therapy or making a big decision about it. Just see how it feels and then decide whether to take another break after the next session.

We have a break coming up soon, maybe I could see how that goes. I think breaks are harder because I know I have the opportunity to go back so it doesn't feel the same, whereas if I left totally I'd just have to cope and put therapy out my mind for good.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

We have a break coming up soon, maybe I could see how that goes. I think breaks are harder because I know I have the opportunity to go back so it doesn't feel the same, whereas if I left totally I'd just have to cope and put therapy out my mind for good.

Oh, I see. I remember thinking that when I was doing more intense therapy. Can you talk to your therapist about it? I couldn't have talked to mine about it back then- he wouldn't have helped me think it though and supported me to make my own decision. I hope yours would.