i'm not lazy?

I have been struggling for so so long over how the mother reacted to my report cards and how I did in school. I struggles with the reaction my T had to seeing my report cards last week . I guess I gave them to her to prove how much of a horrible kid I was. she said she didn't see it that way and went on some about how she saw it . I was on my one tangent and panic about her response so was not taking in what she was saying very well. I have spent the week freaked out about how is she going to be able to help me change if she doesn't believe I am and was so horrible .and a bunch of other negative thoughts. I didn't know what I was going to say to her yesterday about the whole thing but I was just completely confused.

I finely said that I have had all week to think about what went on last week in T and to turn it into something horrible. so I was scared to even show up and don't know what to say or thing about any of it . she asked me what went on omg so frustrating. so I kind of brought up my feelings that she doesn't believe me and how she could see things so differently then the mother or myself. she said that she believes that this is how I feel and see things. the fact that she may see it differentially does not mean that she does not believe me. what is more important is why I see it this way and why I am so adamant about holding on to that way of seeing it. (ok what? can you repeat this ) she said she sees what the teachers wrote in my report card as me being an average student and that was a good thing. she wants me to figure out why I want to hold on to the fact that it was not . I told her that it meant that I was lazy. it is hard to change this view when I was told this all my childhood life ( that part I didn't share) what she said in response was so nice but I have a hard time seeing it her way but I know that is my crap and it was nice of her to say what she did. she said that she has known me for quite a while now and that me being lazy is not at all how she sees me. the fact that I come and meet with her every week and am so trying to work hard in therapy is far from lazy that it is hard work. etc.... of course the cynical part of my brain said wow now what a stock therapeutic answer is that . why cant I just allow myself the luxury of believing that this might just be true that she just might mean it.

the fact that she said that she has known me for quite a while was actually reassuring to me for some reason. I think I loose sight of that a lot and don't really think of her as being there with me . sometimes it is out of sight out of mind. I do have to say that I did leave there feeling like I might be able to at least somewhat trust her version of what went on but I don't quite know what to do with it yet if that makes any sense

She is saying that although she understands why you believe what you do, she doesn't agree with it. She sees it differently. She doesn't think you are lying or anything like that, she just has a different opinion about the situation. Your viewpoint, your mother's, and your T's are opinions, not facts. And so she can have a different opinion without "disbelieving" you. Your mother's opinion about you may be based on the wrong things. And your T's may be based on the right things. Your opinion is based on what you mother thought, so maybe yours is based on the wrong things, too.

Granite, I have also 'known' you for a while. I have read everything you have posted about yourself, good and bad. I do not see you as lazy, ever. You are dedicated and hard working.

Sometimes the things my T says to me sound too good to be true. I really WISH they'd be true, but something (very mean) inside me tells me that I'm trying reach for something I shouldn't really believe in.

I've been trying to just let go and see what the world would be like if my T was right. I figure he's smarter than my parents, so why not give it a try.

"Lazy" is such an emotionally loaded word? Where did you get your personal definition of what is and is not lazy? Your lovely mother! What do you have if you decide you don't want that? Nothing?

Can you go a bit sideways and say you were "not interested" in doing school work? That takes away the could-but-deliberately-did-not-for-spite and puts it into the could-but-it-did-not-interest-you category? A very small change but gives you some control over what you want/interests you? I realize that you could have been unconsciously battling the mother by not doing better (my case) or you could have been overwhelmed by the mother so you could not do the work at that time, but I think the branding of "lazy" makes it too static/permanent and set in cement in the past where nothing can change or be thought of in a better way. If you "are" not interested, you can become interested at any time in the present/future. If you are "lazy", maybe you will learn to work hard and not be lazy anymore but that feels different; like trying to get moving from a complete stop rather than rolling along through the years and just deciding to accelerate from not interested in something to being interested in something.

Lazy says you did not try. So does "not interested". Why think of yourself so negatively since it is you thinking of you? It is a little like worry for me -- it is all in the future and we can't know the future so why not think positively about it rather than that things are going to go wrong. It allows a personal decision, how we want to think about it, since what is going to happen is not known yet. Your mother decided you were lazy, that her word should describe you, but you can make a decision to think of it some other way because it is about You and your mother is not you.

I agree with the above posters, I understand you though, we live punishing ourselves unjustly, its time we start freeing ourselves from those chains that are restraining us from our childhood.

I was told I was lazy all the time when I was growing up by my parents and teachers. I used to dread report card day and stay up for hours the night before worrying about it. My report cards were usually filled with negative comments, or at least could be taken negatively. At one point during junior high, the principal gave a speech that too many students were just doing enough to get by and I always felt this is what I was doing. My father would always tell me that I can't just coast through life.

My therapist would probably say the same as yours, but I still see myself as lazy. Looking at the definition of the word I don't see how I am not. I have a very hard time getting anything done. She keeps telling me that I've accomplished a lot by getting my degree and job. The person who did my psychological assessment in the fall said the same thing. I still see it as things that just happened by chance and I am still doing the bare minimum. In my ideal world I could just stay in my bed all day...

I'll never get rid of my 7th grade math teacher's comment on my report card: "Good ability, poor performance." Hard not to think "lazy" with that one but the reasons for my poor performance were numerous, not "just" laziness

(((Granite)))

I remember vehemently trying to convince xt that I was a bad person, and him not believing me. Finally he said "okay you effed up hippie, you're right, you're a horrid person". It made me crack up. He wasn't convincing at all.

She's never going to believe you're lazy. I won't either.

"Lazy" is just a manipulative way to say "not spending enough time on what I want you to do".

I agree with your therapist, you don't soun lazy to me at all. Then again, I don't know you. Your therapist does though. I'm glad you seem to be starting to take her point of view into account.

I just want to add, I don't think average is either good or bad. Most people are average. Average is normal, not above or below average. I also think average is where you can best get to know your self esteem level. Are you treating average as if it were above average, as if that means you're great at what you do? Or are you treating average as if it were below average, as if it's a bad thing? Average isn't lazy, it's just the right amount of work, in my opinion.

Besides, just because your teachers labeled you as average in your peer group back then, doesn't mean you are average now, nor does it mean they were right then. It just means they thought so. Needless to say, you can be average at one thing and excel at another.

My report cards haunt me as well granite, " lazy, not trying to her potential and daydreamer.

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i hated the teachers for those report cards . it was them that would cause the mother to punish me every time. it was so frustrating because i was doing the best i could and they would say i was not . and i would get beat and kept in my room every time. i remember walking home and praying for a natural disaster to take my life before i got home . i would get so angry at god for not doing this

I am so sorry that your mother was so evil and terrible. It makes me so sad for you because children should not be subjected to something like that.

I have T on Tuesday and I realized just how angry I am .at who I have no idea. my T saying that these report cards were not bad has go me crazy .I don't understand it and I am angry . does it really matter weather these report cards were bad or not .for me they were hell. the mother beat me horrible because of them ,does that count for anything ? or am I just suppose to say oh well they were not bad. it makes no sense. I was kept in my room for days not allowed to come out even to go to the bathroom . how humiliating . it was a night mare . why cant I talk about that why is none of that important . I have spent my whole life justifying this around the fact that I was horrible in school . it all made sense . but I am suppose to just say oh it isn't that bad. get over it .I CANT IT IS SO HORRIBLE

I think there are two different things here.

The report cards don't make YOU bad. That doesn't mean that the way your mother treated you wasn't bad. She treated you horribly and you DON'T need to pretend that wasn't bad. It was. But her treatment of you and your report cards don't make YOU bad.

In your post above it seems like you are saying you have justified your mother's abuse of you because you were 'such a horrible child'. To you, these report cards show state in black and white how extremely bad and awful you were, and thus the mother unit was right to punish you so severely.

If so, no wonder your t's response doesn't fit right with you. You believe you were a horrible child who deserved to be punished (abused) so badly, T believes you were just a normal every day kid, who should never have been abused at all.

Both can't be right, can they?

I once read that one of the hardest things to do in life is to accept evidence that contradicts a deeply held belief. Doing so can turn a person's whole world upside down and throw everything into a temporary chaos. Imagine finding out that something you have believed at the very core of your being - something that has influenced every single aspect of your life - is wrong.

Your t's response contradicts your lifelong belief about yourself that you were a child who deserved to be abused.

No wonder you can't accept her response as believable

...yet.

This work is hard, but it will be worth your life, Granite.

oh granite. you probably could have gotten straight A's, and your mother would have punished you horrible for some reason. i get you need to put your anger somewhere, and i hope that it eventually falls on your awful, horrible, abusive mother.
agreed.

(((((((Granite))))))))

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