[Leah123]

I am seriously missing my T. With my current budget I'm down to two one hour sessions and one email a week from three times that much previously. Seems like this time of night is worst, when I'm tired and probably worn down, and have so much to say about my day.

This week, I've been a little overwhelmed, talking about the past and feeling this incredible longing for all the family and friends I've lost or had to leave behind. It's a long, long list. I finally told her one of the stories too, of how one of those fallouts happened, and honestly, I'm just feeling like a big puddle of lonely lately.

The universe is trying to help me out, I can tell: a new neighbor struck up a convo yesterday morning and asked if I would do doggy playdates with her, someone reposted my own Craigslist ad a while back because they wanted to get in touch with me that much, and amazingly, two lost friends from high school had left me a message on FB that I just saw two nights ago because I don't really use FB. I even got to arrange a playdate at the park w/a friend of my kiddo's who stayed for dinner. Was nice to have an extra place set at the table. (I'd just been telling T Monday about the table I was "supposed" to head as the oldest of nine cousins and siblings, an expectation not to be fulfilled.)

So.... there are connections I can make, and I'm glad for that, and I will. But I'm so sad too, no way around it but through I don't think. I'm glad, so very very glad, for new opportunities... but not all things can be mended and I have to mourn the ones that can't I think.

And I think I'm bad at telling time. I'll be talking to my T in 14 hours, but it seems WAY too long. Like 14 days. Ugh. I think I think too much, ha. Wish I had less I wanted to share all the time.

It's been hard this last couple days being out of touch and resisting the expensive impulse to reach out via email.

She might accept a brief check in one without a fee, but typically all we do via email turn into longer paid email sessions, so it's much safer and more straightforward if I don't, but it's SO hard.

I miss her. And partly, I miss everyone I've lost, I'm sure, and talking to her makes it feel better. Sigh. I like the rhythm of our conversations, the depth, the sense of poetry and spirituality during the best ones. So unique to me, and I'm really longing for them right this minute.

My T says our emotions know no time, and she means that old events can still have an emotional impact, but I think it's true in the present too- right now... my emotions certainly don't know that we have a session tomorrow, it's like trying to gauge the time to cross an ocean with eyesight alone while being in the middle of it.

[Asiablue]

Do you think you are lacking the emotional connection that you get with your T? Like, rather than feeling lonely, it's the quality or lack of quality connections? (as well as just missing your T which i'm sure you are too)

[Leah123]

Yes, I think it must be both. I don't have that depth of connection with anyone else: no one knows as much about me as much as she does or has worked through so much with me, and she herself is kind of special too- we have some key things in common and I relish her presence when that connection's flowing.

She's also a very maternal figure in my life, and I don't have that opportunity with anyone else. I'm estranged from my mother, my grandmothers have passed away, etc.
I've been dealing with grief lately, and it definitely heightens my sense of wanting to be in touch with her more.

She would reduce her fee for me perhaps to have more contact, she does care about me, I believe that, but I'm working to just bear and make the best of the feelings, and to balance everything out, financially/emotionally/temporally etc.

I'm trying to hold onto the relationship more, remembering she says I'm not alone and she cares about me, and am going to maybe go reread one of our emails. I just want to tell her everything, and it's hard not to be able to anymore.

[Asiablue]

Does anyone have the same depth of connection with people who aren't their therapists do you think? I've been wondering about this lately?

Could you work out with her some sort of reduced fee for a 3rd session per week if you ever need it? At least then she's getting paid fully for two sessions + emails and reducing only potentially one session per week?

[sweepy62]

Wow I'm so sorry to hear this, that is a tremendous cut down, I'm glad you can vent here, but I know it's not the same as your t. Sending you hugs.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Does anyone have the same depth of connection with people who aren't their therapists do you think? I've been wondering about this lately?

Could you work out with her some sort of reduced fee for a 3rd session per week if you ever need it? At least then she's getting paid fully for two sessions + emails and reducing only potentially one session per week?

Well, probably not identical, but I do think it's possible to be well and deeply known by friends and lovers. My husband knows a great deal about me and I try to incorporate him into my emotional circle as far as talking about these things, like missing my grammas lately and such. I am trying to be less reserved around others too again, that's something I've been reminded of in therapy, and I think it will help me create those deeper relationships, indeed, it really already has with coworkers, neighbors, etc. to be more real. I think I can have deep relationships with others, and have started working on that, though it's truly hard to find the time working 60 hours a week and doing school 8 hours a week and having a family on top of that, so, part of it is circumstantial... in a year or two when my life slows down, I'll have much more time for socializing, though I am carving some out now.

But... there's a different connection with her than I can have with my husband or others, more maternal, and I do miss that.

I don't know about a reduced fee session, makes me so uncomfortable to think about asking.... I really wish to find a way to afford maybe one more session a week, but... not in the cards right now.

[Asiablue]

I know you're so busy but it really is important to schedule self-care activities so that you can cope better with the other stuff. Self-care shouldn't be an option or something that comes last. You'll burn out otherwise.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I know you're so busy but it really is important to schedule self-care activities so that you can cope better with the other stuff. Self-care shouldn't be an option or something that comes last. You'll burn out otherwise.

Oh yes, I do schedule self-care, as much as possible: it's something I've worked hard on once therapy helped me realize how short I was on it!

So, now, in addition to my crazy schedule, I also:

take a nap many days if I'm overtired or not feeling well
take my dog on two walks instead of none or one like before
try to work outdoors sometimes, or from a cafe to get a change of scenery
schedule time for personal projects
schedule date nights every couple weeks and more quality time with hubby
get a massage once a month
take hot baths at least once a week (don't worry, I get showers more often)

The reality is, though, of course, I am doing what I can, pretty well I'd say to take care of myself, but working 60 hours instead of 40 cuts into personal time a lot, and that's just the reality right now, it'll be probably.... at least 15 months before I can switch jobs if that. I am working hard toward it though.

I am also trying to build up my social circle, but have been sick lately, and away for a bit, and busy with my daughter's schedule, she's doing sports 3 times a week for about 3 months, etc.

And even with all of that, I just still miss that maternal presence and being able to reach out so much.

P.S. I'd like to start working out some, join a writer's group and socialize more, among other things, but goodness it's hard to find time. Am probably going to try and connect with a walking partner again, good combination of exercise and socializing.

[Asiablue]

Sounds like you really are taking care of yourself best you can Leah. And with that schedule, no wonder you just need a maternal presence. Someone to just take care of you!