[sweepy62]

My t told me I'm emotionally numb , the little I have told her of CSa , when I tell it, does not connect with my feelings, she says I need to feel those emotions to process the trauma.

I do agree. The thing is that I don't know how. I hardly ever cry. She says she will help me with releasing all those emotions so that I will be able to cry and move foward.

This scares me, my t says tears are human and she has shed a couple in front of clients. OMG all this talk made me emotionally angry.

I don't know if she will start trauma therapy next session or not, but now that I know she is expecting tears or is going to help me release emotions , I want to run for the hills.

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[HazelGirl]

Don't feel like you have to rush it. This stuff takes time, and so she's not going to expect that you will cry or anything like that for quite a while. I still haven't cried in front of my T and I have been seeing her for two years. It's just too overwhelming and vulnerable for me to fully break down, and so I can't yet.

[NoddaProbBob]

Emotions are tough. Of course you want to run for the hills. That is totally normal, especially when you're used to numbing them out.

I can relate. I have been numbing out my feelings for years and am just now trying to deal with them. And maybe "deal" isn't the best word. But just feel. I hate crying in front of people and I cannot usually seem to cry on my own. I have been using self-injury to numb out my feelings and now that I've stopped, I seem to cry a lot more. And it takes some getting used to.

But your T is right, crying is human. We are biologically created to cry. That is hard to accept when you're used to pushing those tears away.

I think you should share what you've shared here with your T. At the very least, it will be a check in to let her know how to proceed in terms of speed.

And as HazelGirl said, trauma work takes time. It needs to be processed slowly so that it can be done safely. Don't base what you share on her expectations.

What are your expectations? Are you willing to try? Start small and be gentle with yourself. Your trauma didn't start and end in one session so you need to remind yourself that your trauma cannot be processed that way as well.

It was very foundational for me when my T said that to me. I had this expectation that I could get through it all so quickly. She was sensing that I felt that way and flat out said, "You cannot undo 24 years of trauma in two sessions". And that was very true. I wasn't giving myself enough credit just for even being there.

So give yourself some credit. You're there. Some trauma survivors don't have it in them to even walk through the door. That is not to talk less of those individuals, but you did it. You're there.

[Solepa]

I so feel you. I'm exactly in the same spot.

I would love to talk more about that with you when I have little more time.

You are on my mind.

Best wishes … take care

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by Solepa

I so feel you. I'm exactly in the same spot.

I would love to talk more about that with you when I have little more time.

You are on my mind.

Best wishes … take care

thank you, you can pm me if you wish.

[sweepy62]

Yes, she has told me its no rush, and it will be a long journey, we were supposed to start yesterday, and she always checks my stress levels irl, she is a good t, I am willing to start slowly, my vulnurablility gets in the way, I told her that, when I speak to her i feel like im a kid, and she says its fine, its natural.
So we are also working on words I cant get myself to say, which are related to csa , which is good as well.

[phaset]

Mine told me she wants to work backwards through my life so that I will know how to handle the younger stuff when we get there. I also feel like a little kid when I see her.

[NoddaProbBob]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Yes, she has told me its no rush, and it will be a long journey, we were supposed to start yesterday, and she always checks my stress levels irl, she is a good t, I am willing to start slowly, my vulnurablility gets in the way, I told her that, when I speak to her i feel like im a kid, and she says its fine, its natural.
So we are also working on words I cant get myself to say, which are related to csa , which is good as well.

Anywhere is a good place to start! Be mindful of what you want, and let her lead you a bit.

Being willing to try is sometimes the biggest barrier to healing, and look, you've already conquered that!