[Aloneandafraid]

Last week I found it impossible to get any words out. My T got out her pens and a sheet of paper and asked me to draw how I was feeling on the inside and how I felt people perceived me on the outside. In just couldn't do it. I still can't do it. I have a list of words but I still have a massive block when it comes to drawing and especially in relation to myself. My list so far goes as follows:

Inside:
Broken
Crumbling
Useless
Fat
Pathetic
Failure
Over sensitive

Outside:
Fat
Useless
Pathetic
Failure
Timid
But told I am:
Confident
Gentle
Calm
Supportive
Quiet
Reliable
Professional

I don't know why I am doing this. Just wondered if anyone else has been asked to do this exercise and wondered why she wanted me to do it. Also, why am I finding it so very difficult to do it? I feel like I am two people. The one I present to the world and the real me that is falling apart. But I feel my mask is slipping and I am desperately trying to hold it all together. Having to focus on a task like this is just making things so much worse.
Thank you for any feedback.

Why am I in such a mess?

[Aloneandafraid]

Sorry for posting this, it feels too self indulgent. I just wanted to know if anyone else has been asked to do this. Just can't bear to look at what I posted. Urgh uncomfortable.

[Rive.]

Thank you for sharing this list here, Alone. Do you think you fear being vulnerable in front of her in case her reaction is one of e.g. rejection or indifference etc.? It might be worth exploring why there is this barrier that prevents you from really opening up or to 'let it all out'. What do you think? What is stopping you? Could you explore this fear with her (so you could give her the opportunity to reassure you)?

I think it might be beneficial to drop the mask in front of her. It's just too hard to keep it all in, it sucks one's energy but is also soul-destroying. i think she is trying to help. Indeed, from the nature of the task T proposed, it seems she is trying to reach out to the wounded part of you & is thinking that since the words aren't spoken, maybe you could draw them for her. So, maybe she wants you to *not* hold it all together in front of her. Thus, she is trying (via the drawing task), to reach out to you. Do you think this is possible? This is just how it came across to me at any rate - that she is reaching out to you..

I like her suggestion of drawing one's feelings. If you still can't draw it out, could you print this list of words and give it to her? Would be a good point for discussion I think..

Do take care of yourself.

[Aloneandafraid]

Thank you Rive. I think you are right, I think I am afraid of 'letting it all out' in front of her as I want her to think I am in control, coping, etc. it feels really scary and yet I desperately want to tell her how bad it really is. But what if she does react with indifference or worse, rejection? What if she thinks I am just too broken to bother with? No-one has ever bothered in the past so why would she? I just believe am too needy and don't deserve her attention, it feels as if I am being too self indulgent. That I don't really have a reason to see her.

Thank you so much for bothering to reply. Xx

Thank you, aaa, I appreciate that you wanted to share this with us, your friends.

I know that drawing can be a way to express feelings that are hard to put words on. Like music.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Thank you, aaa, I appreciate that you wanted to share this with us, your friends.

I know that drawing can be a way to express feelings that are hard to put words on. Like music.

Thank you so much, Mast. Your words really touched me. I feel very embarrassed and ashamed for writing this. Thank you for your kind response.

[sweepy62]

I draw all the time I have hard time with verbalizing sometimes , my t is a clinical psychogist as well as an art t.

I just draw sketch whatever comes to mind just find a place some music if you want and it will happen, use colors, you will be amazed, between you and your t the drawing will be interpreted. If you feel comfortable you can pm your email I will send you my abstract drawings which represent most of your feelings.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

being DID many of us cant put to words how we feel so many of us use drawing as a way to communicate and oftentimes it feels like we are cut open and completely exposed which is so scary! but you are worth it and the negative things you think about yourself are all just lies that your brain keeps telling you, but its hard to accept believing anything else it takes a lot of hard work to change it around. we believe in you ♥

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

I draw all the time I have hard time with verbalizing sometimes , my t is a clinical psychogist as well as an art t.

I just draw sketch whatever comes to mind just find a place some music if you want and it will happen, use colors, you will be amazed, between you and your t the drawing will be interpreted. If you feel comfortable you can pm your email I will send you my abstract drawings which represent most of your feelings.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks so much, Sweepy. I just don't know how begin. I can't draw. I am useless at anything artistic. I am just numb at the moment but I really want to give this a go. I really appreciate your support, Sweepy. Thankyou so much. I am afraid of putting pen to paper - is that weird?

[sweepy62]

No not weird at all I don't draw well either I understand it can be scary at first. Don't put yourself down . I'm sure whatever you draw will be good. Count on me.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Abby]

My therapist recommended this idea when I couldn't seem to communicate how I felt to her in words. In the end we didn't use it but I verbally draw her images if I don't know the emotion I'm feeling or if it isn't easy to put into concrete words (if that makes sense!).

I have felt split up into many different parts for a long time. It is exhausting functioning when in a great deal of pain. I genuinely don't think the majority of people in my life understand that the smallest remark can cause a landslide inside me...and that logic disappears completely in these moments. I am a completely different person, in a sense.

I used to worry that my therapist wouldn't believe how much pain I was in or wouldn't be interested. In fact it took years of her saying "I'm interested" and encouraging me to speak about what I believe to be boring stuff, before I started to believe she did care and she wasn't going to stop listening. So perhaps all that is needed is time? Sometimes trust can take a while to build, especially if it has been broken (intentionally or not) before.

In many ways I wish I'd been more honest earlier in therapy, but I guess you can only go at the pace that is possible. Perhaps you can write out how you feel split up. Use your list to create a picture?

You're not a mess!

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by invisible butterfly

being DID many of us cant put to words how we feel so many of us use drawing as a way to communicate and oftentimes it feels like we are cut open and completely exposed which is so scary! but you are worth it and the negative things you think about yourself are all just lies that your brain keeps telling you, but its hard to accept believing anything else it takes a lot of hard work to change it around. we believe in you ♥

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. It means so very muchand I relate so much to all you have written.. Cut open and exposed just sums it up perfectly. Thank you so much for your kind words.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Abby

My therapist recommended this idea when I couldn't seem to communicate how I felt to her in words. In the end we didn't use it but I verbally draw her images if I don't know the emotion I'm feeling or if it isn't easy to put into concrete words (if that makes sense!).

I have felt split up into many different parts for a long time. It is exhausting functioning when in a great deal of pain. I genuinely don't think the majority of people in my life understand that the smallest remark can cause a landslide inside me...and that logic disappears completely in these moments. I am a completely different person, in a sense.

I used to worry that my therapist wouldn't believe how much pain I was in or wouldn't be interested. In fact it took years of her saying "I'm interested" and encouraging me to speak about what I believe to be boring stuff, before I started to believe she did care and she wasn't going to stop listening. So perhaps all that is needed is time? Sometimes trust can take a while to build, especially if it has been broken (intentionally or not) before.

In many ways I wish I'd been more honest earlier in therapy, but I guess you can only go at the pace that is possible. Perhaps you can write out how you feel split up. Use your list to create a picture?

You're not a mess!

Thank you Abby. Your post reminded me so much of my relationship with my T. I am constantly thinking she isn't interested, that I am not deserving of her time or attention, that the pain is invisible. Thank you for putting into words just exactly what I am feeling. It's the same with the remarks from people. I have always been told I am over sensitive - but I think I am just a doormat for everyone. I just take their abusive comments and internalise them.

Thank you Abby, I am going to write a list and try to create something from that hopefully in time for our next session.

[Petra5ed]

Sorry you are feeling like this Aloneandafraid... those are not nice adjectives you listed there. To be honest I wouldn't know how to draw what I feel either, which is weird because I think I am creative. I like your list better.

We all have two sides like you say, the side we show everyone and then the "real" side of who we are. And the real part is more and more elusive because we have the part we show ourselves and then a whole lot of stuff we won't even show ourselves that lies in the unconscious. I really think getting to know oneself is like a trip down the rabbit hole.

One other thing to keep in mind about yourself is that being dualistic is human nature. For example, I might have several thoughts in regards to chocolate cake, one part of me desperately wants to eat the cake, another part of me desperately wants to diet. One part of me thinks I'm fatter than the other part of me all the time. One part of me is more miserable and scared... I don't know if you can relate, but I think of myself in percentages more now. I 60% want to eat the cake, and 70% feel guilty about it.

[rainbow8]

I'm glad you shared your list with us here. I think maybe that is a start to your sharing more with your T! My T has handed me art supplies when I couldn't talk, and I do happen to be artistic, but I drew stick figures anyway. It's not about art; it's about expressing what you feel inside. Sometimes just using a color is helpful. I mean, that when I was really angry one time, especially at my T, I colored a whole piece of paper with red marker, and then tore it up into pieces!

I think showing your T list without drawing would be very productive. I know that your T IS interested in you, and whatever you say or draw is important to her because her only goal is to help you feel better.

[CantExplain]

I found drawing helpful, but it's not for everyone.
If drawing doesn't work for you, try something else.

I can't draw for beans.... one of my friends that I used to work with a long time ago suggested something to me that I haven't had the nerve to try yet but keep meaning to, maybe tonight is the night. I had asked if she knew of a book that would help me learn how to draw and she said you don't need a book. Just close your eyes and draw what you see. My first thought was but I didn't tell her that. I really want to try this, I do, but have not had the courage yet. I wish the best for you, with the lists, I think showing the lists to your T is a good idea. What are words anyway except very specific drawings, right, we "draw" each letter right? Very insightful lists I think. I can imagine they were hard for you to write and even harder to look at. You are not a mess. Hugs

Just do what you can. Good luck on your assignment.

[Aloneandafraid]

Thank you so much everyone for your amazing and supportive replies, it has given me a lot to think about and I much appreciate your support. I was so nervous about posting. I cant begin to explain how much it meant to me getting your replies. I thought no-one would think it was worth replying to. So many, many thanks.

I see my T tomorrow and I am already so nervous about it. I want to be honest and take off the mask but I am so afraid. But I will try. I want to show some emotion and i would love her to hold me if I do eventually let it all out.

Thank you again dear friends. Your support means so much to me at this time. It is so difficult. I appreciate your support more than you will ever know.

[chloexox]

i hate doing this kind of stuff my teacher then told me to write a poem and as i mentioned i hate this stuff like writing but i was really surprised when i finished coz my teacher gave me a merit for it but it really surprised me coz i thought i was happy that day but reading it it was really depressing about a tiny person who couldnt reach a hand that was trying to help her it does work though

[JaneC]

Oh I can really relate to this. I am sorry that you thinkall of those things about yourself, I know exactly how painful it is to feel that way. I think I could use the same words myself.

It is so hard to allow ourselves to really be seen by our T's isn't it? I want to, I know I will heal that way, maybe you too? That still doesn't mean I can handle all of the feelings and emotions that come with this exposure, it is so risky.

You can do it though, and I bet your T will be incredibly supportive and help you through it. I hope she gives you what you need.

I have very occasionally wished my T would hold my hand, but never hold me. I don't think he would do either......as he likes a bit of distance and up till now I have liked a LOT of physical distance in the therapy room!

Take good care and goodluck for tomorrow.

[Rive.]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

hank you Rive. I think I am afraid of 'letting it all out' in front of her as I want her to think I am in control, coping, etc. it feels really scary and yet I desperately want to tell her how bad it really is. But what if she does react with indifference or worse, rejection? What if she thinks I am just too broken to bother with? No-one has ever bothered in the past so why would she? I just believe am too needy and don't deserve her attention, it feels as if I am being too self indulgent. That I don't really have a reason to see her.

It is indeed scary to open up and let someone, anyone, see the raw core of us. Especially if past experience had always led to being dismissed or rejected. I understand that. It is hard to trust people (even T) to hold us - metaphorically speaking- as we lay our hearts in their hands. Would it be possible for you to tell her what you are afraid of (I.e. her indifference or rejection). And that it is this fear that is stopping you? And how she could help reassure you that she won't 'dump' you?

I don't think you are being too indulgent or needy or a mess. You don't have to apologise for anything, really You are just hurting and it would help if T showed some care or positive regard towards you. I hope she can break her reserve and give it to you. You deserve some comfort and a haven to breathe. You are a worthy individual. You deserve love and care and happiness. Don't give up.

[Perna]

I never did well with "art" requests, don't feel I can draw or do art. My T brought me clay one week to take home and that was traumatic and we talked about it a lot, very helpful. I "retaliated" by giving her children's soap you can mold (she had a young granddaughter at the time she once compared me to :-) Moldable Soap - Pure Play Kids

[tametc]

AAA, I can empathize with you. I used to feel the same way, that my inside and how I presented on the outside were very different things. My former T taught me that it's OK not to always be the "strong" one, and often referred to me as "over-functioning", which I did because I thought I had to. I was able to let the inside me be vulnerable with him, and with a few friends, bit by bit. But it took time, and it took trustworthy people.

As far as drawing, I went to an art workshop years ago for survivors of childhood abuse, and when I picked up a pencil or pen or pastels, I couldn't do anything. I figured out that I could do collage, which ended up being very powerful. I took magazines, and just ripped or cut out the words and images that resonated with me, without thinking about it much. Then I looked at all the pieces, and put them on posterboard in a way that told a story.

I believe that one of the first things that is stolen from us when we are abused, is our natural ability to create. Reclaiming my creativity was an important step in my healing.

Since that first workshop, which was probably more than 20 years ago, I have done abstract paintings, fabric collage, and some drawings. My paintings always started with just needing to get out feelings, so I would pick up the brush or oil pastels, and use a color that I "felt". (I used a lot of red and black--no surprise there).

I was blessed to be part of an exhibit with other women survivors, and we all talked about how uncomfortable we felt being called "artists". Yet we could each see how the others were artists, although we couldn't quite grasp that concept for ourselves.

Whenever I couldn't speak in therapy, my T would encourage me to write, or draw. I was also terrified to do any of that in therapy. I just couldn't.

I guess I say all this to encourage you. I think it's sometimes important for us to keep our creativity "safe", which for me included not drawing in therapy. Please be kind and gentle with yourself, and know that you are a creative spirit.

It's OK to take it slow when revealing your true self.