[So hopeful]

I'm looking for support tonight. I've had waves of depressive episodes for decades, but the past few days have been the worst by far I've ever experienced. I'll spare the details. I'm scared. I don't want to live like this.

I don't like to call my therapist between sessions. I've done so for scheduling things and one or two times over the years for help in a depressive crisis, but I called today and asked if I could see him in the next few days.

He was very understanding, and hearing his voice and what seemed to be his genuine concern did give me a boost at the time, but he's going to be out of town for the next few days. I know that's not a lot, but right now it feels unbearable. Can someone please help? Say hello? Share a story about how you made it through a long, terrible stretch without your therapist's help?

[leggiera]

Hello! I've been in your shoes before, in a deep, dark depression. It is scary and it feels like it will never end. But the heaviness does eventually lift.

Does your therapist have another colleague that you could speak with? Do you have an appointment scheduled with your therapist for when he gets back? Do you have a crisis number that you can call, if things get too bad?

Things that always helped me get through rough times were: (1) Talking to friends, (2) Petting my cat, (3) Deep breathing exercises, and (4) Bubble baths. Is there any kind of self-care that makes you feel better?

[tametc]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I use naps sometimes as a way to get through tough things. Or I make myself watch something funny, because sometimes I am able to at least get through an hour or so that way. Instead of taking one day at a time, I would break my day down into surviving the next 5 minutes at a time.

If the weather is decent, I go outside to farmland where I rent a garden space, and just walk around and look closely at the trees and plants, and look for caterpillars and butterfly eggs. Or I'll just sit and listen to the birds and breathe in the fresh air. I pray a lot.

If it seems helpful at the time, I will journal. I let myself cry if I need to.

I call my closest friend, someone I can trust with my feelings.

I'll go for a drive, and scream and yell in my car. Or, I'll scream and yell into my pillow. I swear at God. I tell Him exactly how I feel. I read the Psalms.

I'm glad you posted tonight. It's just tough to find someone online at certain times, but I'm glad I was awake to see your post.

In the future, could your therapist perhaps recommend someone you could call in his absence? My therapist always tells me ahead of time who is covering for her. If that person isn't available, the answering service makes sure that they have another therapist call me. It can be awkward talking to someone new, but in a crisis, it helps me.

You can make it through this. When is your therapist back in town? Will you be able to see him then? I'll be awake for a little while longer, if you want to post again. Otherwise, I'll check PC again when I wake up tomorrow. Hugs to you if helpful.

[So hopeful]

Thanks, leggiera. I'm sorry you've been depressed too. I have a lot of experience with it and, especially thanks to my work with my therapist, feel like I have a better handle on it generally. And then this happened.

I do have my standing appointment on Wednesday, but that's a long time to wait with this kind of suffering. He didn't offer a colleague. How would that work, considering our work together - the two of us, I mean - is so intense?

I have a pretty good support network: an incredibly understanding and supportive spouse, supportive parents nearby, and a few friends I can call. But none of those, and none of the usual self-care things, is working. This is really bad. My cat did make me laugh this evening. Thanks!

[So hopeful]

Thank you, tametc. Misery loves company, but I don't like reading that you all are suffering too!

I really appreciate what you said about screaming. I'm not a screamer by nature - in fact, a pretty quiet and serene (?) person. But today, at the worst point, I found myself in the closet screaming - just screaming. I didn't recognize that person. I think I'd shut myself in the closet so my neighbors wouldn't hear.

At my best today, I went into a kind of catatonic stupor. That happens to me a lot when it's really bad. That might be my version of taking a nap. I feel a little less of the pain when I'm shut down like that. The screaming was terrifying.

Thank you

[tametc]

Originally Posted by So hopeful

He didn't offer a colleague. How would that work, considering our work together - the two of us, I mean - is so intense?

I have a pretty good support network: an incredibly understanding and supportive spouse, supportive parents nearby, and a few friends I can call. But none of those, and none of the usual self-care things, is working. This is really bad. My cat did make me laugh this evening. Thanks!

Usually, my therapist would let me know who would be covering for him, and if I OK'd it, he'd let that colleague know that I might be calling them while he was gone.

I'm glad you have the supports that you do--sometimes it takes all of those things, not just a few, to get us through. Kind of like 1)talk to spouse, 2)talk to parents, 3)talk to friends, 4)do self-care, 5)repeat as needed.

Glad your kitty made you laugh. Can you find funny cat videos online? My dog has been invaluable to me--she makes me laugh every day.

[tametc]

Originally Posted by So hopeful

I really appreciate what you said about screaming. I'm not a screamer by nature - in fact, a pretty quiet and serene (?) person. But today, at the worst point, I found myself in the closet screaming - just screaming. I didn't recognize that person. I think I'd shut myself in the closet so my neighbors wouldn't hear.
Thank you

You are so very welcome. I can't shut myself in my closet (too small). That's why I scream in my car or into a pillow (don't want the neighbors to freak out!).

I just thought of something else--I don't drink cocoa very often, but sometimes, a cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows can be very soothing.

[So hopeful]

Cat videos as depression killer - I like it.

Nature is helpful to me too usually, but this particular crisis was triggered by a wildlife situation (neighbor destroying my squirrel friends). I don't know how to deal with it. Everything is painful. I hear them in the traps and I want to die.

[tametc]

Originally Posted by So hopeful

Cat videos as depression killer - I like it.

Nature is helpful to me too usually, but this particular crisis was triggered by a wildlife situation (neighbor destroying my squirrel friends). I don't know how to deal with it. Everything is painful. I hear them in the traps and I want to die.

I am so sorry--that is horrible. Lots of hugs to you.

[So hopeful]

I'll have to ask my therapist about having a backup person to call, as both of you suggested. That's sounding good to me, even just to have someone who knows about depression to talk to. It's hard for my husband: he is the most supportive person I've ever known, but he is so close it hurts and scares him.

[AllyIsHopeful]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It must be hard that he is literally unavailable in the next few days. We are always here if you need extra encouragement or support! And you know you could always message me.

What has been working for me lately (with depression) is allowing myself to sit with any emotion I am feeling. If I have a split second of happiness, or moments of anger, sadness, etc. I allow myself to experience it. When it is too intense, it helps to tell myself to go ahead and cry for 10 minutes--but after 10 minutes I have to stop, take deep breaths, and find something to do to take my mind off of it. If I am feeling too numbed out (which could be scary because in my experience, those are the suicidal moments) I try to do things like take a long shower, step outside for fresh air, go for a long drive and listen to upbeat music, or watching an emotion-provoking movie.

I hope you are okay. Let me know if you need anything, I know how miserable this feels.

[Aloneandafraid]

I just wanted to say Thank you SO MUCH for this thread. My T is away for three weeks and while she is away I have no-one. She is self-employed so has no colleagues she can refer me to. Plus no-one knows I am seeing her - literally nobody. No-one knows the reasons i am seeing her and i am feeling extremely desperate. I too have two kids who I try to hide everything from. I am at work at the moment trying desperately to not break down in front of my colleagues (no-one speaks to me anyway). I just feel so desperate. I am dreading getting through the weekend and then another week. It seems too much. I have text her but she hasn't replied. She is travelling abroad from the weekend so i can't contact her then. My friends are so fed up with me - I think they all hate me. None of them know i see a T (one of the reasons I see her). I am sorry - I don't want to take over this thread or anything - just wanted to thank you for starting it and for the replies. I will try the advice. But I am numb and hurting at the same time and basically dont know how I am going to make it through the next three weeks.

[So hopeful]

Thank you, Ally. I'm not generally an online kind of person, but talking to others - even online - absolutely helps. Very much. I'm so grateful and happy for the support on the forum.

I like your advice about sitting with the emotion. My therapist encourages me to do this too. When I've been able to do it, it's very helpful. I think the idea is that by sitting with it in a deliberate way you sit through the reactivity, which is the panic and terror portion. Like riding it out into a calmer space. But I'm not always able to do it. I tell my therapist it's like I'm sitting in a fire and you're asking me to stay sitting in the fire when all I want to do is get myself out at all costs.

[leggiera]

So Hopeful - How are you doing today?

If you have to sit in the fire, I hope you at least come out with a nice tan.

[So hopeful]

Hi, Aloneandafraid - I'm so sorry you're going through something similar. My therapist isn't available just this weekend: I'll be seeing him at my regular time next week. I'd feel very alone if I couldn't see him for three weeks and I were in this kind of a crisis. I'm really sorry you have to wait that long. I hope posting here will help you in the meantime.

You implied in your message that you're working with your T on the reasons you haven't told anyone you're in therapy. I don't tell people at work or people I don't know very well (except here) about my troubles and what I'm doing about them. But I do tell my friends and family members quite a lot. Not everything - but a lot. I tell my husband *almost* everything. And I tell my therapist everything. It really helps me not to be alone with my troubles. I'm surprised how understanding and helpful people have been since I opened up about it.

By the way, my therapist is also self-employed, but I'm still going to ask about the possibility of getting a colleague's name and number when he gets back. I assume he knows people, and I'd absolutely trust his judgement in choosing someone to serve as a backup.

[So hopeful]

Thank you, leggiera. I'm a shade better than yesterday. There's still a lot of weeping and existential despair, though at least no more screaming in the closet, though that might only be because I had to go to work.

Love the tan!

I wanted to thank you, too, for reminding me to breathe. Sounds like my therapist.

[RTerroni]

It seems like I can never get in touch with my Therapist outside of session so what I do is I jot everything down in a journal and then talk about during session. I know it can be tough to go several days without having someone to talk to.

[So hopeful]

Thank you, RT - I almost never contact my therapist outside of session. It was difficult for me to call him yesterday. I'm very attached to him, and not too shy about expressing my neediness to him - in session. But I don't feel comfortable calling him, though he has reliably been there when I've had a crisis. I wasn't prepared for him going away - and I don't think he was prepared for me having a crisis.

I write a lot, too - for me it's an important part of the work. It really helps both to vent and to work through things in ways that just mulling over them can't.