[Patagonia]

Saw my T today for an emergency session. I'm alone this weekend w/ my kids & I'm very SU. She knows this & wanted to know what she could do to help.
I was very vulnerable today & opened up a small crack of myself. I've been seeing her for over a yr & have no trust in her but I am trying. So today I shared something w/ her. Several things. Secret things.
One thing is this recurrent nightmare I have about "dancing w/ death." In my dream it makes me laugh a lot bec so many people are concerned I'm going to die. On one side of this line I'm alive, but miserable. In the other side of the line I'm dead & everyone panics. Magically I pop onto the other side & I'm alive again. Almost like a game. After awhile I'm on the death side of the line & a veil comes down & traps me there. I panic & scream that I'm not ready to die although everyone says this is what I wanted. I have to stand on the other side & watch my children cry & I can't touch them or say goodbye. Now in death I feel miserable too. After I tell her this I'm crying a small bit & ask myself out loud "what did I do that was so bad that makes me miserable in life & death?"
She sits for awhile. Thanks me for sharing this dream.
Then tells me that one time she wento see a Shaman. He told her she was responsible for 500,000 deaths! So in a way she can relate to my question of why & if this is punishment. I asked her if she believed it & she said she didn't know what happened in former lives.
Wtf! Wtf! WTF!
What does this have anything to do w/ my story? Am I supposed to feel bad for her? Was she trying to 'top' my story? What the hell was she trying to say to me? This made me feel so angry, so marginalized & so belittled! Like ..."my story is worse than yours." Why did I even bother to open up when I just get another door slammed in my face!

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[coolibrarian]

The only way you will find out is to ask her. But, be kind to yourself this weekend. Hugs.

[unlockingsanity]

I really wasn't prepared for the Shaman part. I have no idea what that means.

What happened after she shared that part. Did she ask you more about your dream or was that the end of the discussion?

[Patagonia]

I got kind of angry after that & asked to go home. She said I could stay longer if I wanted. I didn't. She also said she was very happy to be a witness for me & my feelings.
She offered to check in this weekend, I said no. She offered to call, I said no...that I could call her, I said no...this is pretty usual. When I get angry I get very stubborn

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I would have been furious. To me it seems like she made two huge errors: she changed the topic from you to herself, and she brought her own personal spiritual beliefs, which were totally irrelevant, into the conversation.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

[Beatzen]

I'm sorry you are alone and feeling so much stress. From an outsiders point of view, it really seems like your therapist was just trying to connect with you and relate to you. I don't think she meant to say it as a way to top your story or anything like that. It sounds like she was saying she maybe has wondered similar things about life and death. However, it seems you actively rejected her after this statement and insured that you will be alone all weekend, without contact or reassurance from her, even though she offered it. Now you are more alone and miserable than before the appt. I relate to this but it closes the t out who is trying to offer support. Maybe this statement that you interpreted from the T will occupy your mind all weekend so it will help you not focus on being alone. I Kinda see it as you kind of setting your self up to make sure you are rejected in your mind. You expressed fear about being alone and then made sure it would happen by refusing any contact. I think this is about you and maybe it would be helpful to look in your life to see if you are repeating this type of interaction elsewhere.

This is only my opinion and I know that I do not know you. So part of me is speaking from my own experience. I just know that many times I reach out and then ensure my own rejection too. If I am way off, I'm sorry. Just ignore this response.

Regardless, when we are hurting and don't feel heard, therapy can be so tremendously painful. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing in therapy because many times I leave feeling worse than when I entered the room. I think I self sabotage a lot. Sometimes therapy does not seem worth it to me because I'm just repeating the same patterns from my personal life in my relationship with the therapist. I guess the point is to start recognizing this and trying to choose differently.

Regardless, I hate the pain of therapy sometimes.

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I really think she was just trying to say she could relate to your fears about life and death, that she had an experience that caused her fear about death also. I really don't think there was more to it than that. Probably not well thought out on her part, but I don't see any intent really to one-up you or belittle you.

[healingme4me]

I am not sure, how the story about the shaman factors into your dream telling. Perhaps, it will be a point you'll need to address with your T, when you are ready

Here's an interesting depiction of dreams that involve death...

Dream Moods: Common Dreams: Death

I tend to look my own dreams up, because I'll just brood on them from a literal, conscious perspective. Knowing a little bit of your personal struggles that you've shared in PC. I can see how some of it, could be interpreted through this site.

I like the possible interpretation, that you are reaching some type of new beginning and break through in your life. And you did start the thread discussion an attempt at vulnerability. Which, sounds like you are taking baby steps. Sorry, her response wasn't remotely close to what you hoped nor expected. Really stinks, when others don't even come close to a variety of outcomes that we play out in our minds, when we take some type of leap and try to grow closer.

[Perna]

You have not died, how it will be (whether you are miserable or not) is just part of your thinking/imagining, like dreams are. I kind of like the "responsible for 500,000 deaths" because it seems similar to me, to what I could imagine/dream as my dreams are really bizarre sometimes. I would wonder how someone could be responsible for 500,000 deaths, what that "means", perhaps as you imagine what a recurring dream where you are dancing back and forth between life and death, only to get stuck and be as unhappy in death as in life means.

The 500,000 deaths is so startling though, that it it "stops" me and gets me to think about what I am thinking and imagining. It reminds me of when my T was going on vacation and I was fine with it until the session finished and I left and saw her car in the parking lot and immediately thought of slashing her tires :-) Not something I would ever do/think/imagine, I assure you! That just told me I was not "fine" and should rethink what was going on with me.

I don't know where your sense of "bad" is coming from; just thinking various things is not the same as doing them. Everyone thinks about life and death but my thinking about slashing my T's tires was just my imagination/unconscious helping me, like your dream is probably trying to do.

[Freewilled]

I would've been like WTF too...and I'd probably not go back. But I wasn't there and that's just me. I hope you're able to figure out what's best for you in this situation and go with it. That dream sounds very significant to me and you deserve a T who doesn't bring herself into it but is secure enough to help you explore it.

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I got kind of angry after that & asked to go home. She said I could stay longer if I wanted. I didn't. She also said she was very happy to be a witness for me & my feelings.
She offered to check in this weekend, I said no. She offered to call, I said no...that I could call her, I said no...this is pretty usual. When I get angry I get very stubborn

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It's usual that she offers to check in? Perhaps she knew she didn't make a connection with you over her Shaman story. It doesn't sound like she was trying to one-up you, but definitely a weird situation.

I probably would have been like...."A Shaman...? Are you kidding or serious....."

[Lauliza]

I don't think she was trying to belittle or one up you, just trying to connect. It was a weird way to do it but I don't think it was anything more than that. It sounds like she was very aware you became upset but didn't understand why. So she did what she could to offer additional support if you needed it. I would see her again angry tell her how you feel.

[Patagonia]

Well I asked her for an explanation.
She said she wasn't quite sure exactly what the Shaman was saying but to her its that all living things have a soul....even smaller life forms.

That she has struggles from a past life & from the present, which is why she has to work on her own destructive parts & figure it out & her struggles before she can reign it in.

I'm still lost. WTF does that have to do w/ me, my dream & my life. I didn't get anything from this explanation. You?

I felt taken advantage of just so she could voice this tidbit. I think it was sabotage.

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[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

Well I asked her for an explanation.
She said she wasn't quite sure exactly what the Shaman was saying but to her its that all living things have a soul....even smaller life forms.

That she has struggles from a past life & from the present, which is why she has to work on her own destructive parts & figure it out & her struggles before she can reign it in.

I'm still lost. WTF does that have to do w/ me, my dream & my life. I didn't get anything from this explanation. You?

I felt taken advantage of just so she could voice this tidbit. I think it was sabotage.

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Has she ever mentioned anything about this before? I'd be really freaked out, just because this is so outside my realm of "reality". It is a really strange thing to have shared with you. Maybe knock this up to a weird experience and try to dwell on it? Unless of course it's a habit of hers to deflect to her own issues instead of helping you with your own...?

[Patagonia]

This was definitely outside my realm of reality. Sometimes she shares things w/ me that I think r too personal & I really think it's to try & outdo me. Why?

I told her last wk that I talk to someone online. I'm married & sometimes I feel like I'm cheating on my H bec of the context we talk about. She tells me that she thought of having an affair when she was really bad. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Normal? I really don't wanto hear that! I want her to help me figure out why I'm making bad decisions...that my thinking is distorted bec of being so sick & how to get back on track. Is she trying to gain my trust? Be my friend?
If I try to off myself this weekend will she say " I tried that & got further than you...but can really understand where you're coming from." Is that what I really want from a T? I'd like someone to care about me! Help me! Now I feel gun-shy in what I'm willing to share w/ her.

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[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

This was definitely outside my realm of reality. Sometimes she shares things w/ me that I think r too personal & I really think it's to try & outdo me. Why?

I told her last wk that I talk to someone online. I'm married & sometimes I feel like I'm cheating on my H bec of the context we talk about. She tells me that she thought of having an affair when she was really bad. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Normal? I really don't wanto hear that! I want her to help me figure out why I'm making bad decisions...that my thinking is distorted bec of being so sick & how to get back on track. Is she trying to gain my trust? Be my friend?
If I try to off myself this weekend will she say " I tried that & got further than you...but can really understand where you're coming from." Is that what I really want from a T? I'd like someone to care about me! Help me! Now I feel gun-shy in what I'm willing to share w/ her.

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Wow. What you've shared is so unprofessional. I'm really sorry to hear that she's saying things like this. Your therapy should be about you, not your therapist. That doesn't mean that occasional disclosures can't help, but it definitely doesn't sound like what she is saying could be helpful in the slightest.

[Patagonia]

Does anyone else feel this way? I really need some input. I've been w/ her & another T for almost a yr & dread to make a change. In fact I don't think I'll change anymore, I'll probably just quit. I don't think I could stand to start all over again.

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[unaluna]

Is this a real t? She sounds more like a fortune teller. Who is your other t? Is it a regular medical professional?

[JustShakey]

She's being what I would call pshrinkish. I love/hate it when they do this. Love it because I love a juicy problem to solve, hate it because it can be the most FRUSTRATING THING EVER!!11!!!
It is an excellent distraction though, and that's what I think she was really trying to do.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by unlockingsanity

Wow. What you've shared is so unprofessional. I'm really sorry to hear that she's saying things like this. Your therapy should be about you, not your therapist. That doesn't mean that occasional disclosures can't help, but it definitely doesn't sound like what she is saying could be helpful in the slightest.

And a professional therapist, tends to cite examples that intertwine/relate, not discuss their personal lives.

how'd you find, your T?


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[Patagonia]

She's rated the best PTSD/Attachment specialist in our town. The other T I see is a traumatologist

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[JustShakey]

I think you should trust her with this P. Let her know exactly how you feel, but still trust her.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

She's rated the best PTSD/Attachment specialist in our town. The other T I see is a traumatologist

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Perhaps it can be a way for you to assert yourself with her, in expressing how her style leaves you feeling? In a sense of comes across minimizing your own experience?(or however it leaves you feeling).

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[Beatzen]

Sounds like u are in good hands,,,but if u have felt this way many times then she may not be a good fit for you. Sounds like u need someone who does not self-disclose. I don't think she meant harm or violated you but if that's the way your gut feels you should honor that and maybe consider moving on.
In the end of it all, they are just humans too. She obviously tried to reconnect w you after her disclosure. You shut down. That's on you, not her.
Best of luck. No matter the reason/interpretation, it sounds as though u are hurting right now and no one deserves to face pain alone...

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[Favorite Jeans]

That shaman story is bizarre and would have been way too woo-woo out there for me. I don't necessarily think she was trying to belittle you or one up you, I think she was trying to relate to you and failed miserably.