[HazelGirl]

I moved into my own place for the first time ever at the beginning of this month, and my T and I had been talking about it for about a month leading up to the move because I was so stressed out by everything.

Well, I finished unpacking yesterday so I took some pictures and sent them to my T so she could see the place I'm living. She responded by saying it looked beautiful. Which is fine and all. But I really wished she could come see it, and in the interest of being honest with her and speaking what I am experiencing, I told her that: I wished she could come see it in person, but I knew that was probably not something she was okay with. She responded by reiterating that it was beautiful and very well decorated. Which obviously doesn't deal with what I said.

I know I shouldn't expect more, because that's not something she would do, I don't think (although I have admittedly never asked anything like that). But I guess I wish she would have at least mentioned it in her response, something like "I can see it is beautiful, but I wouldn't feel comfortable visiting to see it." Or something like that. I think I would have preferred her to at least mention it, rather than ignore it. I know text isn't the best way to communicate certain things, and she may bring it up at our next appointment. But that's not now, in this moment, and right now is when I am feeling this way.

I don't know. I know I'm expecting too much and transference and boundaries and all that and yada yada...but still...

[HazelGirl]

Or even "I can understand why you would wish for something like that, even though it can't happen". Something. Anything to at least acknowledge what I said.

[Asiablue]

aww, i can totally understand wanting her to come see it. You share mostly everything else with this person and it would be nice to share something exciting too.

I hope she speaks to you about it in person.

Congratulations on the new place

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

aww, i can totally understand wanting her to come see it. You share mostly everything else with this person and it would be nice to share something exciting too.

I hope she speaks to you about it in person.

Congratulations on the new place

Thanks. I hope she does, too. Because I don't have the courage to bring it up myself.

I'm actually sort of surprised because I hardly ever express any sort of attachment-y, transference-y feelings. I would have guessed she would have been all over that in terms of wanting to understand it. But I guess not

[Asiablue]

not via text anyway! Remember she'll likely bring it up in session.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

not via text anyway! Remember she'll likely bring it up in session.

I don't know. I hope you're right. She never shies away from discussing things via text. If I find it easier to communicate that way, she is totally willing to allow me to do so. And I think I get almost as much out of our texting conversations as out of our appointments.

I know I keep saying this, but I guess I just wanted to be acknowledged, and told that my feelings in that regard were okay, even if they couldn't be fulfilled. And to have that ignored is surprisingly painful.

[Beatzen]

Hazel girl, I'm sorry she didn't acknowledge your wish and it know the feeling of "uh oh I said too much" but it's a hard fast fact of therapy : it will not go beyond the therapeutic bounds if it's ethical therapy. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but maybe look at it like, "she cares so much that she is trying to protect me from believing I can have a friendship when she knows that it would eventually be more harmful."

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[Beatzen]

Ramble, sorry. Just trying to say she is maybe working in ur best interest. Making boundaries clear. Maybe let her know you need her to acknowledge ur wish first. Talk to her about it, like you always recommend.

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[Ambra]

I relate so much. I've just relocated and got my own place. I'm pretty far from where I was living with my family and wish my t could see it because I feel her so distant right now. I didn't invite her but I sent her my work schedule to set a day/time to my old city and see her but it took 2 texts for her to reply this time. Like she didn't acknowledge the difficulty I'm already having being here and feeling so abandoned.

You said she usually discusses things via text too, but I think in this case, your wish to have her there makes an very importat topic that I'm sure she wants to discuss in person this time. Which may be better as texts can be inaccurate and create misunderstandings at times.
But I understand the need of acknowledgment, it's so hard.
Hugs to you.

[HazelGirl]

I know that what you all are saying is true. I know that it is something that she would want to talk more about than the limits of texting would allow. I know I should bring it up. And I know she can't actually come see it. I know all these things...in my head. But I don't think my heart understands all this and it makes things like this difficult.

I think what makes it harder is that the people in my family take very little interest in me and don't really show they care about me. My mother has already said that because it's an upstairs apartment, she won't come visit because she can't climb the stairs. I know there are health reasons that tie into that, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like she is abandoning me. And even when she could come visit when I was living other places, and I invited her over, she still didn't choose to. She didn't want to go through the hassle and trouble of visiting me. And so to have someone who actually seems to care, of course I want to show them. And have them over and all that. And I also know that can't happen. And in a way, I have always been okay with that, and still am. But in a way, it's sad and painful.

I wish she would have even said something like, "we can talk about that on Monday". Because at least I would have known she actually paid any attention to what I said.

Her repetition of her initial compliment was her response. She reiterated her compliment. A "like I said, it's lovely" and "like you already know because you already said it, I can't come over and see it" was implied in her reiteration.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Her repitition of her initial compliment was her response. She reiterated her compliment. A "like I said, it's lovely" and "like you already know because you already said it, I can't come over and see it" was implied in her reiteration.

I know that she meant her comment as a way of saying I was right. But she still didn't actually address what I said. She ignored it and skirted around the comment. And I wish she hadn't. I wish she had actually mentioned it, even a little bit. I can't help but think she responded like she did for a reason, and I just don't know exactly what that reason is at this point.

[granite1]

I hate that feeling of OMG I said to much and now what?? I hope you will be able to bring it up if she does not . maybe just by asking if you went to far by telling her you wanted her to see it in person.

congrats on getting your own place. that is an awesome accomplishment

[Leah123]

I really empathize Hazelgirl, both with the feeling of sadness that someone so important can't see an important part of my life, and with the upset of not having my message acknowledged. I will say that usually when that type of situation arises, when I press the issue, my therapist does come through. I hope you'll bring your feelings up in session and give her that second chance to make it right.

Maybe you could make a photo slideshow for her of your place and give her that kind of virtual tour, or print a few photos? It might be a positive and revealing experience for you to talk through the importance of this new space to you, I know my home is deeply meaningful to me.

Hope it works out soon, I know it's hard to be in that let down/upset place about our therapists.

[HazelGirl]

I guess I'm a little weird in that I don't feel like saying that was "too much". But maybe that's because my T has always emphasized me saying whatever was on my mind, and she has never recoiled at something I have said. Maybe there's some trust there in that I know she is willing to accept whatever I say, even if it's different or she doesn't agree with it. Which may be a part of why this is so painful. Because she has never ignored something like this before. It's to the point where I had to double check a few times that I actually sent that message rather than choosing to edit it out and only imagined that I sent it. It is so unlike her to not address something of that significance.

Leah, I did take some pictures and sent them to her so she could have them. It was me sending them and her commenting on how nice the place was that prompted me to tell her I wish she could see it. I just hope we can talk about this on Monday because it is making me feel very sad and unheard/unacknowledged.

I'm just guessing she took your comment/request at face value, more as a direct question about your new place that you already answered for yourself rather than as a topic of deep conversation. Just not on the same wavelength from how you describe the brief conversation. You may just need to ask for what you need, which really doesn't seem to be about the new place at all. She just seems to have taken it directly as a quick conversation regarding your new place rather than an invitation into a deeper discussion about your family and abandonment. Doesn't sound like she is avoiding the topic or recoiling from it; just not grabbing your real need at that moment. I'm sure when you communicate that more directly she'll feel badly that the topic flew past her like that, but it happens.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I'm just guessing she took your comment/request at face value, more as a direct question about your new place that you already answered for yourself rather than as a topic of deep conversation. Just not on the same wavelength from how you describe the brief conversation. You may just need to ask for what you need, which really doesn't seem to be about the new place at all. She just seems to have taken it directly as a quick conversation regarding your new place rather than an invitation into a deeper discussion about your family and abandonment. Doesn't sound like she is avoiding the topic or recoiling from it; just not grabbing your real need at that moment. I'm sure when you communicate that more directly she'll feel badly that the topic flew past her like that, but it happens.

Maybe this is right. But she knows about my past and my feelings regarding this topic. We have discussed how disappointed and hurt I was by my mom not visiting any place I have lived before, and her refusal to visit my current place. It's surprising that she might have totally missed it. That isn't like her. But it's always a possibility, I guess. She's normally more attuned than that, and sees the connections between things better than even I do. This just seems so straight forward and obvious. But you may definitely be right that she has absolutely no clue.

Maybe, but we all miss the boat from time to time. Give her the benefit of the doubt here rather than jumping to she "recoiled" from the topic or she is avoiding the topic. More likely just an innocent "miss" on her part.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Maybe, but we all miss the boat from time to time. Give her the benefit of the doubt here rather than jumping to she "recoiled" from the topic or she is avoiding the topic. More likely just an innocent "miss" on her part.

But that means I have to bring it up. And that's absolutely terrifying after she "missed" it the first time. Maybe she won't understand this time. Ugh.

I suspect she'll understand. It doesn't sound like it is a particularly new issue and she knows the back story. She'll probably "clue in" pretty immediately once you bring this up again. Sometimes we just have to be direct about what we need to address. As much as we want them to always know what we need without our having to spell it out for them, sometimes we just have to spell it out to them.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I know that she meant her comment as a way of saying I was right. But she still didn't actually address what I said. She ignored it and skirted around the comment. And I wish she hadn't. I wish she had actually mentioned it, even a little bit. I can't help but think she responded like she did for a reason, and I just don't know exactly what that reason is at this point.

In my opinion Hazel, I think she responded the way she did because texting only allows for so much direct communication before it becomes tricky. In texting, the less said the better. Socially, we convey that message by doing exactly what your T did, avoid any further comment and reiterate what was already said. She probably wanted to elaborate, but still might not have given the response you were looking for. Or worse, she could have misworded something, causing you to worry and become more distressed. So to avoid any of the miscommunication that is so common with texting, she kept it short. Unfortunately anything further has to be said face to face, even though it's not what you wanted at the time.

[HazelGirl]

I just don't know. And I don't know how to bring it up on Monday.

Something as simple as: "Can I talk about the text I sent you the other day?" would be a gentle start. Once the text is reintroduced, the conversation will do its own thing. Just have to ask the first question.

[HazelGirl]

It's so complicated. She mentioned today again (sort of out of the blue since we were talking about how I have been having trouble sleeping these past few days and how to fix it) how much she liked the apartment, asked a few questions about it, and mentioned I should start inviting people over to see it. *Facepalm* Umm...hello!!! I think she is trying to ask questions and be as enthusiastic as possible to be there while not really being there, which is kind. And I appreciate that, but it's not really what I wanted. I wanted her to understand that it's nice and all, and I want other people to see it of course. But I also want her to see it, and I know that's not possible. And I just want her to allow me to be sad about that and understand why I feel upset about it. That's all I want. There's too much "false happy" at the moment.

[HazelGirl]

I want to follow up and say that I did send my T a text about this. And she didn't respond at the time because she was considering my request and whether it might harm me if she agreed. I didn't expect that. I expected her to definitely say no, and not even consider it. I don't know what to think about her actually visiting my place. It was more the symbolism and meaning behind the wish that were important. We will be talking more about this at my appointment on Monday.