I'm starting to think maybe you can't. I mean, if they are super strong and feel or mimic more like actual feelings, instead of just simply being written off as "transference."

Even if a therapist is properly trained in transference/countertransference, there is only so much they can do. They cannot wave a magic wand make these feelings go away. I can understand if maybe they are possibly related to past issues, but what if they aren't?

Sure, it's great when both T and patient can openly address how they feel, but the fact of the matter is, the feelings are still there. I guess I can answer my own question and say, "If the patient feels that their thoughts about the therapist are hindering their progress in any way, or that their obsessive thoughts outside of sessions are becoming too much to bear, that's when you should call it quits." Am I not right? What else is someone supposed to do?

I adore my therapist, and not just as a "potential love interest." I've been seeing him for 9 months, but I don't think I can do it anymore. It hurts to think about leaving. This has been the only therapist I've stuck with for this long, ever. And really, the only person that even comes close to remotely understanding me. He's been the only one that's ever understood my intensity and "off the wall" personality. I feel like we were cut from the same cloth.

Some of you may have read my post previously a few days ago regarding how I broke some boundaries and took it a step too far with finding out some of his personal information on the internet. Yes, I found his private Facebook, which led me to his girlfriend's (who I didn't know he had). HER stuff was public. Dumb move on her part. And now I feel ruined. My heart hurts when I think about it. She is very young and beautiful, like probably about 30 to 35 years old. You would think my T is George Clooney or something, cause most old dudes (68) don't get girls that look as good as her! Of course, now that I figured out he dates young, it made me feel a little more justified in my feelings for him. Anyway, there pictures of them travelling all over the world, being cute, going to Disneyland, Paris, etc. He spoils her rotten, and she has no problem telling the world on Facebook just how much money he drops on her, and how much he "pampers" her and accepts her "exactly as she is, problems and all." God, she makes it sound like she was a patient, haha.

At the same time though, I almost feel better. It destroyed my fantasy right there. I'm wondering if it's possible to continue on right now, knowing what I know about him. Basically...I know WAY too much now, and he doesn't seem that much of a stranger. I ****ed it up, big time. Thinking about stopping seeing him after all this, it's heartbreaking. But I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Really, there are three options:

1. He can say that he loves me too, and leave his girlfriend and private practice behind (yeah right.)
2. He can feel awful (meaning sad) about my feelings for him and try everything in his power to make me get over them.
3. He can feel awful about my feelings and say that he doesn't know what to do to help, and that if I'm still thinking about him this much six months later, then perhaps we SHOULD parts ways.

I know the answer is #3. I'm just scared. I'm going to miss him so much. He's been my life raft for a long time now.
OR I can just accept the fact that I saw his private life, accept the fact that he has a girlfriend, and just move on privately, without telling him any of this, and continue on with therapy.

Is there really any saving this? He can't take my feelings away, even if we discuss them. Because they are always there, as soon as I sit down in front of him and start the session. He's too wonderful really, for me to not feel anything... :-/

[Leah123]

I don't think writing feelings off because they might be transference helps anything or makes sense.

"Transference" feelings are real feelings. We don't have a solid mate, so we start to see our therapist as a potential substitute. We are estranged from a parent so we have that pattern of a breakup and may want that mothering or fathering from a therapist while still fearing the pattern repeating. In all cases we have to deal with the reality that we can gain a lot from our therapists but not something identical to a family or romantic partner or even a friend relationship.

That doesn't mean we can't be attached to our therapists and cared about- and it doesn't mean they wouldn't be good partners, parents, or friends, but that just like other helping professionals, teachers, doctors, lawyers, they just don't have the space to fill those roles and what they are able to give us is a safe, supportive space to figure out what we need, where we are emotionally, and how to get more of what we want in life by becoming healthier about expressing and meeting our needs and wants.

So, yeah, transference is important for self-understanding in therapy, and we can definitely go from the unrealistic perspective of being pained by the limits of the relationship to being empowered by them and having a really strong, healing relationship with our therapists, that's special in its own way. I have gotten through some of mine and I wouldn't trade my therapy relationship with her for her to be my mother, aunt, or any other relation even though that's the nature of my transference. I accept (mostly) what we have, and am so glad for it.

And yes, your relationship can be saved, but you haven't been honest enough with him as far as I can tell based on my reading of all your past threads and this one, and without that, you're at a roadblock.

Are you making progress on your initial goals or whatever issues are most important to you? Good to have a balance of that and work on the T-relationship itself in my experience, if not always the easiest thing to do. For me the pendulum swings a bit back and forth, but hopefully you have some focus on goals that might help see you through this rough patch.

I just want to add that the "he's too wonderful feeling" doesn't mean he's not wonderful, it doesn't really matter if it's all transference, partly transference (which is most likely) or that the fact is he's the most attractive, wonderful person ever in reality.... what matters is that this is a learning experience for you. There are other people, available people, that you can find and partner with once you figure out what he has that you want and work to get it. You can also, as you do that, have him help you make the most of his time and try and do some things to ease your discomfort.

P.S. Yes, I did find it painful to work through the uncomfortable process of recognizing my wounds and needs that led me to want to connect so intensely with my therapist, didn't say it was easy, but it is healing.

[HazelGirl]

I really think you need to talk to your T about this.

Also, I don't know why you haven't stuck it out with other therapists, but is it possible that you are just afraid of whatever comes next in a relationship and are avoiding talking about all this because it's easier to run away like you have done before?

[msxyz]

It doesn't matter what the feelings are called, they are still real feelings.

I don't think the three options you list are all there is. The feelings could also just be accepted and tolerated without the need to make them go away or ending therapy if they don't go away. Maybe as time passes they will change, who knows.

Originally Posted by Leah123

I don't think writing feelings off because they might be transference helps anything or makes sense.

"Transference" feelings are real feelings. We don't have a solid mate, so we start to see our therapist as a potential substitute. We are estranged from a parent so we have that pattern of a breakup and may want that mothering or fathering from a therapist while still fearing the pattern repeating. In all cases we have to deal with the reality that we can gain a lot from our therapists but not something identical to a family or romantic partner or even a friend relationship.

That doesn't mean we can't be attached to our therapists and cared about- and it doesn't mean they wouldn't be good partners, parents, or friends, but that just like other helping professionals, teachers, doctors, lawyers, they just don't have the space to fill those roles and what they are able to give us is a safe, supportive space to figure out what we need, where we are emotionally, and how to get more of what we want in life by becoming healthier about expressing and meeting our needs and wants.

So, yeah, transference is important for self-understanding in therapy, and we can definitely go from the unrealistic perspective of being pained by the limits of the relationship to being empowered by them and having a really strong, healing relationship with our therapists, that's special in its own way. I have gotten through some of mine and I wouldn't trade my therapy relationship with her for her to be my mother, aunt, or any other relation even though that's the nature of my transference. I accept (mostly) what we have, and am so glad for it.

And yes, your relationship can be saved, but you haven't been honest enough with him as far as I can tell based on my reading of all your past threads and this one, and without that, you're at a roadblock.

Are you making progress on your initial goals or whatever issues are most important to you? Good to have a balance of that and work on the T-relationship itself in my experience, if not always the easiest thing to do. For me the pendulum swings a bit back and forth, but hopefully you have some focus on goals that might help see you through this rough patch.

I just want to add that the "he's too wonderful feeling" doesn't mean he's not wonderful, it doesn't really matter if it's all transference, partly transference (which is most likely) or that the fact is he's the most attractive, wonderful person ever in reality.... what matters is that this is a learning experience for you. There are other people, available people, that you can find and partner with once you figure out what he has that you want and work to get it. You can also, as you do that, have him help you make the most of his time and try and do some things to ease your discomfort.

P.S. Yes, I did find it painful to work through the uncomfortable process of recognizing my wounds and needs that led me to want to connect so intensely with my therapist, didn't say it was easy, but it is healing.

I'd say I've made lots of progress on my initial goals. Yes, some are still in the process of being waded through, such as my issues with men, but overall, he gives me excellent advice and helps me see things/people differently--except when it comes to my feelings about him, cause we hardly ever talk about it, except for two sessions, once in January, and once in April. He knows how I feel.

Basically I don't bring it up anymore, because he never does. I think he assumes I just have a teenager-like crush on him, and that eventually it will go away. I don't think he has any idea how I REALLY feel. My intensity would push him away, and he would think he hasn't helped me at all. The last session I talked about my feelings in (April), he looked sad and asked if I'm taking away anything from our sessions at all. I had to tell him, "Of course!" but inside I was a bit offended that he would think I have not made progress in the eight months we've been together. Has he forgotten all of the positive strides I've made in my life?

So you're right. I haven't been honest with him at all. But I know where that honesty will lead, and I don't want to lose him. If he wasn't so wonderful, this wouldn't even be an issue.

I guess I'll just have this conversation with him tomorrow, then. It will probably be my last session, but I gotta just suck it up and move on. There's nothing really that can be done. :-/

Originally Posted by Akama

It doesn't matter what the feelings are called, they are still real feelings.

I don't think the three options you list are all there is. The feelings could also just be accepted and tolerated without the need to make them go away or ending therapy if they don't go away. Maybe as time passes they will change, who knows.

Well I also personally feel that I don't know if I can go on feeling this raw all the time, and counting the days until my weekly therapy sessions just to see him again. It's kind of a miserable existence. I don't want to think about him anymore. I just want this to be over. There's no way I can sit there in front of him and NOT feel the way that I do.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I really think you need to talk to your T about this.

Also, I don't know why you haven't stuck it out with other therapists, but is it possible that you are just afraid of whatever comes next in a relationship and are avoiding talking about all this because it's easier to run away like you have done before?

I'll be talking with him about it tomorrow. And most therapists have never worked well with me. It had never been a good match, and I felt like I was just wasting my time and money. And I've also never discussed my issues with men and whatnot with other therapists. Only this one. Hmm. Maybe that's the issue in and of itself.

I'm running away really because I see no other choice. I'm sure he'll agree with me, because I don't think he knows how to properly handle this. It's a shame.

[Leah123]

You DON't know where honesty will lead. You're projecting and letting your anxiety cloud your reason, making assumptions. You're not familiar with this situation so you're guessing at how it will go.

I'm glad you're making progress on your goals!

Try and tell him what you've shared here- including the part about you being offended that he'd misunderstand the transference as destructive. Listen, wanting to be his girlfriend isn't destructive. Have you missed work because of it? Self-injured? Broken up with someone? Not done any good work in therapy?

If you haven't compromised your life because of this, it's important to realize... it's just a feeling. You're attracted and really curious and interested about him. All just feelings..

You didn't vandalize the girlfriend's car, ya know... you're just having strong feelings. It's not about what we think or feel... it's about what we do. Your feelings may seem out of control, but they are not- they are not making you do dangerous and harmful things.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by winenot3

I'd say I've made lots of progress on my initial goals. Yes, some are still in the process of being waded through, such as my issues with men, but overall, he gives me excellent advice and helps me see things/people differently--except when it comes to my feelings about him, cause we hardly ever talk about it, except for two sessions, once in January, and once in April. He knows how I feel.

Basically I don't bring it up anymore, because he never does. I think he assumes I just have a teenager-like crush on him, and that eventually it will go away. I don't think he has any idea how I REALLY feel. My intensity would push him away, and he would think he hasn't helped me at all. The last session I talked about my feelings in (April), he looked sad and asked if I'm taking away anything from our sessions at all. I had to tell him, "Of course!" but inside I was a bit offended that he would think I have not made progress in the eight months we've been together. Has he forgotten all of the positive strides I've made in my life?

So you're right. I haven't been honest with him at all. But I know where that honesty will lead, and I don't want to lose him. If he wasn't so wonderful, this wouldn't even be an issue.

I guess I'll just have this conversation with him tomorrow, then. It will probably be my last session, but I gotta just suck it up and move on. There's nothing really that can be done. :-/

I feel sad for you that you feel you need to end things with your T. I understand you have feelings for him, but that can happen in other areas of life too. It sounds like you've always sexualized your interactions with men in the past (please correct me if that's not true) and that this is the first time you've had a good relationship when sex isn't part of the equation. I think this could be a part of therapy that could change things for you in your relations with men. He is an ethical therapist and can help you learn that men and women can appreciate and care about each other in other ways.

Maybe if you talk to your T about it in that context, he won't be intimidated by your feelings (I don't think he will anyway). You could explain that while you have feelings for him you also understand that they cannot be acted on and respect that. The reason you want to talk about them in detail is to get them out of your head and into the therapy room. After that, your feelings my be less intense and your continued interactions will help your confidence. I think it could be helpful to you in believing in yourself apart from your beauty and sexuality - that your worth as a person is more than that, even to men. I think that is a tremendous gain from therapy, but he can only help you if he knows everything.

Originally Posted by Leah123

You DON't know where honesty will lead. You're projecting and letting your anxiety cloud your reason, making assumptions. You're not familiar with this situation so you're guessing at how it will go.

I'm glad you're making progress on your goals!

Try and tell him what you've shared here- including the part about you being offended that he'd misunderstand the transference as destructive. Listen, wanting to be his girlfriend isn't destructive. Have you missed work because of it? Self-injured? Broken up with someone? Not done any good work in therapy?

If you haven't compromised your life because of this, it's important to realize... it's just a feeling. You're attracted and really curious and interested about him. All just feelings..

You didn't vandalize the girlfriend's car, ya know... you're just having strong feelings. It's not about what we think or feel... it's about what we do. Your feelings may seem out of control, but they are not- they are not making you do dangerous and harmful things.

Well, I feel like I've been semi-honest, before, and I still wasn't even good at that. I’m horrible at expressing serious emotions. I always tend to tone them down for the sake of the other person. I know you’re not supposed to do that in therapy, but when it’s about him…it gets kind of awkward.

It’s easy to think that he would think it’s destructive if I’m letting it troubling me so much, and thinking about him outside of sessions. I think that would concern him a great deal, if he really knew the extent to which I go. Especially the part about finding his Facebook, in addition to his girlfriend’s Facebook. So now I have all this knowledge that I didn't before. I feel uncomfortable even knowing it, because it’s not stuff he would have wanted shared. So…I don’t think I would really want to come clean, in that regard.

I did miss work ONCE, but I was really really really depressed that day, so in a combination of that, among other things, I just wanted to be at home. Other than that, no, I haven’t done anything like that. I've thought about self-injuring, but that’s as far as it went. I think I've done good work in therapy, except for the fact that I haven’t been very forthcoming regarding how I feel about him. That’s it.

It kinda makes me feel better to hear you tell me they are just feelings…you’re right. Why should I want to hate myself just cause I have feelings for someone? I mean, it’s so outrageous, right? Haha. :P

I feel like violating his privacy was a step too far, and out of control. That’s when I realized maybe I should take a step back, especially when I was so affected by what I found out. I realize that I just wanted to be the exception to the rule that it would be outrageous to be in love with a really old guy. (not that I obviously don’t have feelings for him, but it seemed crazy enough as it was that I found myself falling in love with someone half my age, so I just went with it). And then I find out this girl beat me to it, though she probably doesn't care about him at all. Like I said, she seems dumb as a post!

I guess when I do take a step back, I might be over-dramatizing things a bit here. He just looks so concerned every time (twice) I've brought this stuff up. I hate that look. The, “Oh, you poor and confused child,” look. Drives me mad.

[purplemystery]

When you have feelings for your therapist, therapy is so painful. This past year, when my feelings for my T started getting stronger, I felt like I was in misery all the time. Everything I could seemingly ever want and need was right in front of me and I "had" it, or a portion of it. But it was never really mine. I would always want more. It's so tough, but you definitely shouldn't beat yourself up for having these feelings! As others have said, it's not even necessarily a bad thing (except for the whole misery part). Having feelings for my T (who I've now terminated with because of graduation) is what will make her lessons last a lifetime. I will always remember her and what she did for me. I will always remember our work together even though it was hard. Attachment to her was painful, and it was scary. But it was/is so worth it.

On another note, I've also extensively creeped on my T online. I found out a few things about her that I never told her about. After I had found it out, at a later session the topic came up and I could tell she was withholding the information. I didn't want to be like "actually, I know the whole story already." I never told her what I found, though I did tell her I Googled her. She said there's nothing much about her online, and I laughed internally. I'm sure I found out a ton more than she expected. Anyway, so I completely understand your desire to keep this from your T and your fear of telling him. But in your case, I feel that it might be beneficial to let him know since it has such a stake in your feelings.

Originally Posted by winenot3

I'd say I've made lots of progress on my initial goals. Yes, some are still in the process of being waded through, such as my issues with men, but overall, he gives me excellent advice and helps me see things/people differently--except when it comes to my feelings about him, cause we hardly ever talk about it, except for two sessions, once in January, and once in April. He knows how I feel.

Basically I don't bring it up anymore, because he never does. I think he assumes I just have a teenager-like crush on him, and that eventually it will go away. I don't think he has any idea how I REALLY feel. My intensity would push him away, and he would think he hasn't helped me at all. The last session I talked about my feelings in (April), he looked sad and asked if I'm taking away anything from our sessions at all. I had to tell him, "Of course!" but inside I was a bit offended that he would think I have not made progress in the eight months we've been together. Has he forgotten all of the positive strides I've made in my life?

So you're right. I haven't been honest with him at all. But I know where that honesty will lead, and I don't want to lose him. If he wasn't so wonderful, this wouldn't even be an issue.

I guess I'll just have this conversation with him tomorrow, then. It will probably be my last session, but I gotta just suck it up and move on. There's nothing really that can be done. :-/

Originally Posted by winenot3

Well I also personally feel that I don't know if I can go on feeling this raw all the time, and counting the days until my weekly therapy sessions just to see him again. It's kind of a miserable existence. I don't want to think about him anymore. I just want this to be over. There's no way I can sit there in front of him and NOT feel the way that I do.

You keep saying that you want to end the relationship, yet you won't talk to him in fear that the relationship will end. Do you see the conflict here? You've said this in other posts too.

I'd like to shake you up!!! It sounds like you are being naive, almost self-sabotaging, allowing yourself to continually suffer. You're only going to prolong your suffering by continuing to do what you are doing. I'm not trying to be mean; I just think something is missing here....

Are you going to have children someday, or do you have children? What you describe signifies you have unresolved attachment issues. You didn't get what you needed as a child. It doesn't have to be abuse. Attachment problems are passed down from parent to child (I believe too much credit is attributed to 'genetics'). I really regret not doing psychotherapy while I was younger. You are young and malleable. You might not realize what a difference it will make in your relationships. You will keep falling for older, unavailable men. But it won't be a healthy relationship. That doesn't mean it can't work, but it does mean that you might not have the internal model required for mature, selfless love. And that unless you address this stuff, you will keep repeating patterns in attempts to act out and resolve past issues. Have you had any interest in other men since seeing your T?

I really feel for you about how intensely your feelings for your therapist are. I agree with you and others that you have not been open and honest enough. I'm glad you see that. I really do think, however, that you will again fall in love with any other therapist (particularly older and male), which can be a situation through which you can work these issues.

Regarding his girlfriend/discoveries: things are often not as they appear. I had a bf like this; he pampered me, spoiled me, treated me like a queen. Took care of me when I was sick, let me use his credit cards; flew me to various places, bought me many gifts. Took care of my car, my house... Yet, I later discovered he had a double life. He turned out to be a sex addict!! I don't know how he possibly even had the time to have a 2nd life. Maybe your therapist is the most remarkable man on earth; then again, maybe he's not. Facebook never shows the whole picture.

Please talk to him about your feelings, and about psychodynamic therapy. I know many of your feelings are about the real relationship rather than transference, but the big difference is--someone trained and experienced with managing transference will stop the re-enactment and bring it to the front to analyze. Your current therapist is unable to do this. It will be ongoing suffering for you, with no resolution. Please call psychodynamic T.



I do feel sad for you.

Originally Posted by skies

You keep saying that you want to end the relationship, yet you won't talk to him in fear that the relationship will end. Do you see the conflict here? You've said this in other posts too.

I'd like to shake you up!!! It sounds like you are being naive, almost self-sabotaging, allowing yourself to continually suffer. You're only going to prolong your suffering by continuing to do what you are doing. I'm not trying to be mean; I just think something is missing here....

I really feel for you about how intensely your feelings for your therapist are. I agree with you and others that you have not been open and honest enough. I'm glad you see that. I really do think, however, that you will again fall in love with any other therapist (particularly older and male), which can be a situation through which you can work these issues.

Regarding his girlfriend/discoveries: things are often not as they appear. I had a bf like this; he pampered me, spoiled me, treated me like a queen. Took care of me when I was sick, let me use his credit cards; flew me to various places, bought me many gifts. Took care of my car, my house... Yet, I later discovered he had a double life. He turned out to be a sex addict!! I don't know how he possibly even had the time to have a 2nd life. Maybe your therapist is the most remarkable man on earth; then again, maybe he's not. Facebook never shows the whole picture.

Please talk to him about your feelings, and about psychodynamic therapy. I know many of your feelings are about the real relationship rather than transference, but the big difference is--someone trained and experienced with managing transference will stop the re-enactment and bring it to the front to analyze. Your current therapist is unable to do this. It will be ongoing suffering for you, with no resolution. Please call psychodynamic T.



I do feel sad for you.

I'm glad you pointed out my conflicts. Actually this post really hit home. I don't know why, but it made me cry. And I swear I'm made of steel! No, but really. I appreciate all that you wrote. There is definitely some truth. I am by nature a self-sabotager. It's what I've always done, because I assume the worst will always happen. And guess what? It does. So, in a warped way, I'm always winning, cause I feel like I can always count on at least failure and loss to be consistent. When something happy comes along it throws me for a damn loop.

I think the most frustrating part in therapy, for the therapist, is watching the patient continue to conduct the same behaviors, no matter how much they try to intervene, the patient is just set in his/her ways. I think this might be me. One might ask, am I ready to change? The answer is, yes, I really really want to change. I think I just lack the inner strength to carry it out. Deep down I am just a coward that hides behind tough exterior.

I'm actually planning on not having children at all. I've never had the mothering instinct in my life, and don't see it happening any time soon. I think that's just as well. I live somewhat of an extremely self-involved life. That's why at this point it might even be hard to hold down an actual romantic relationship. I'm not ready for big commitments. I'm already so emotionally drained every day by all the mental crap I'm constantly throwing at myself. I'm lucky I still have the friends and family that I do. I push them away all the time, and yet they're still there. I'm a pretty frustrating person, let's face it.

As for interest in other men besides my T? Hardly. A date here and there, but I find something wrong with all of them. Most of them are just too "nice." Which fits right in with your statement about unavailable, emotionally or otherwise, men. It's true. I've always been attracted to everything I can't have and that is opposite of me in personality. It's almost like I want something of what they have to keep for myself. Sometimes I find myself even jealous and in awe of these men. They are forces to be reckoned with. Never bogged down by emotional garbage, like myself. I put them up on these high high pedestals. And yet, none of them ever want me. But it fits right in with my image of never being able to receive what I want. It makes sense to me. What doesn't make sense is a man sticking around after talking to me long enough to say, "Oh wow. I don't think you're crazy at all. In fact, I love you!" If a guy said that to me, I would run for the hills.

Maybe you're right that I might have this problem with another therapist, if they are male. I was hoping I could find someone that I found completely 100% physically unappealing, but I'm sure my twisted brain could find a way...

I will cop to the fact that I really haven't been honest with my T. At all. My fears of him rejecting me are consuming me. He did say last session that he hardly has to say anything, cause I'm basically running the show, telling him what he thinks about me, and that my statements are accurate. I'm constantly putting words into his mouth, about how annoying, frustrating, needy, etc. I am. So in saying these things all of the time, I'm sure I've become that to him. I never allow myself or him to talk about the subject anymore because, again, I am a coward. I keep waiting for him to do me the big favor and kindly give me the boot. I will forever wonder what is wrong with me if he doesn't. No matter what he says or does, ultimately, he can't win. I feel bad.

I'm trying to erase from my brain what I saw on Facebook. I keep telling myself that discovery has absolutely nothing to do with my therapy. And it doesn't. Those pictures of him and the girlfriend keep flashing in and out of my mind. I hope I can keep them at bay tomorrow, so it doesn't make things already worse in my train-wreck of a life and situation. And I am sorry about what happened with your ex. You're right in the fact that you never know who you're really dealing with, even when you think you've got it all figured out. People are so complex.

So yeah. My only choice tomorrow is to lay it all out and say it like it is. I'm good at being blunt, but not with my gooey "feelings." I would love nothing more for him to actually open this up, clear off the spiderwebs, and really get through to me. I've been in my ways for so long. It's like I'm stuck in a cave, and keep screaming desperately for help. Anytime someone offers me a hand, I wave it away. So wrought with contradiction. Good lord. I wish my brain made sense, or at the very least, just shut the hell up every once in awhile. My anxiety and obsessive thoughts get so bad that I can't sleep. I over-analyze everything so much that after awhile it loses its meaning. I'm my own worst enemy, through and through. I miss the ignorance of being a child. This is too much.

Yes! That's the only reason I was able to heal.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't have an answer to whether you can work through your transference with your T.

I think the loss of a T you're "attached" to is similar to the loss of anyone else you are "attached" to.

I'm extremely attached to my T. She is well aware of it. But we never talk about it. So long as it's positive transference, it doesn't affect the therapy...in fact, that is part of the goal/process of the type of therapy we're doing.

It's going to hurt when we agree that the therapeutic relationship is over. The best I can hope for is to gain all I can from her while I still have her, so whatever pain I'll feel will be worth it.

[unaluna]

And the nytimes comes thru with another relevant article, this one actually on transference!

[dark_sweetie]

The reality still hurts doesn't it. I know I am special to
T and that we have a connection beyond transference but it can never be anything just cuz of how we met. I don't even want to be her partner, just her friend, but it can never happen.

[Aloneandafraid]

Oh My I feel this exactly the same and it hurts so so much.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by winenot3

I'm glad you pointed out my conflicts. Actually this post really hit home. I don't know why, but it made me cry. And I swear I'm made of steel! No, but really. I appreciate all that you wrote. There is definitely some truth. I am by nature a self-sabotager. It's what I've always done, because I assume the worst will always happen. And guess what? It does. So, in a warped way, I'm always winning, cause I feel like I can always count on at least failure and loss to be consistent. When something happy comes along it throws me for a damn loop.

I think the most frustrating part in therapy, for the therapist, is watching the patient continue to conduct the same behaviors, no matter how much they try to intervene, the patient is just set in his/her ways. I think this might be me. One might ask, am I ready to change? The answer is, yes, I really really want to change. I think I just lack the inner strength to carry it out. Deep down I am just a coward that hides behind tough exterior.

I'm actually planning on not having children at all. I've never had the mothering instinct in my life, and don't see it happening any time soon. I think that's just as well. I live somewhat of an extremely self-involved life. That's why at this point it might even be hard to hold down an actual romantic relationship. I'm not ready for big commitments. I'm already so emotionally drained every day by all the mental crap I'm constantly throwing at myself. I'm lucky I still have the friends and family that I do. I push them away all the time, and yet they're still there. I'm a pretty frustrating person, let's face it.

As for interest in other men besides my T? Hardly. A date here and there, but I find something wrong with all of them. Most of them are just too "nice." Which fits right in with your statement about unavailable, emotionally or otherwise, men. It's true. I've always been attracted to everything I can't have and that is opposite of me in personality. It's almost like I want something of what they have to keep for myself. Sometimes I find myself even jealous and in awe of these men. They are forces to be reckoned with. Never bogged down by emotional garbage, like myself. I put them up on these high high pedestals. And yet, none of them ever want me. But it fits right in with my image of never being able to receive what I want. It makes sense to me. What doesn't make sense is a man sticking around after talking to me long enough to say, "Oh wow. I don't think you're crazy at all. In fact, I love you!" If a guy said that to me, I would run for the hills.

Maybe you're right that I might have this problem with another therapist, if they are male. I was hoping I could find someone that I found completely 100% physically unappealing, but I'm sure my twisted brain could find a way...

I will cop to the fact that I really haven't been honest with my T. At all. My fears of him rejecting me are consuming me. He did say last session that he hardly has to say anything, cause I'm basically running the show, telling him what he thinks about me, and that my statements are accurate. I'm constantly putting words into his mouth, about how annoying, frustrating, needy, etc. I am. So in saying these things all of the time, I'm sure I've become that to him. I never allow myself or him to talk about the subject anymore because, again, I am a coward. I keep waiting for him to do me the big favor and kindly give me the boot. I will forever wonder what is wrong with me if he doesn't. No matter what he says or does, ultimately, he can't win. I feel bad.

I'm trying to erase from my brain what I saw on Facebook. I keep telling myself that discovery has absolutely nothing to do with my therapy. And it doesn't. Those pictures of him and the girlfriend keep flashing in and out of my mind. I hope I can keep them at bay tomorrow, so it doesn't make things already worse in my train-wreck of a life and situation. And I am sorry about what happened with your ex. You're right in the fact that you never know who you're really dealing with, even when you think you've got it all figured out. People are so complex.

So yeah. My only choice tomorrow is to lay it all out and say it like it is. I'm good at being blunt, but not with my gooey "feelings." I would love nothing more for him to actually open this up, clear off the spiderwebs, and really get through to me. I've been in my ways for so long. It's like I'm stuck in a cave, and keep screaming desperately for help. Anytime someone offers me a hand, I wave it away. So wrought with contradiction. Good lord. I wish my brain made sense, or at the very least, just shut the hell up every once in awhile. My anxiety and obsessive thoughts get so bad that I can't sleep. I over-analyze everything so much that after awhile it loses its meaning. I'm my own worst enemy, through and through. I miss the ignorance of being a child. This is too much.

Wow, winenot3....I could've written a lot of what you posted here I also "run the show", if you will, in therapy. I am trying to learn to ask for my T's perspective rather than label him with my fears of what he is thinking/feeling/doing etc. but it's hard not to fall back into it. I think, for me, it's a reenactment of what I have experienced myself from others in my life. It sucks because when he points out these things that I'm so certain I know outside of the therapy room, I get all obstinate and adamant that he's wrong I feel guilty for that because I don't want to make my T feel what I have, as it was so damaging to me. I think some part of me wants him to feel it though so he understands. But that's wrong.

I don't have romantic transference but I think I defend heavily against it. Mine is more parental. Deep down I believe my T is the right one for me though. I think he cares and that he is in it for the long-haul. I don't trust him 100% but I'll never allow myself to trust that way again. Everyone is fallible. He tells me he plans to keep showing up and I think I'll do the same....that's all I can ask for. I try to talk about the transference a lot because without doing so, it becomes the elephant in the room.....I figure if he can't handle it, he can refer me. I can't hide it otherwise therapy becomes another facade just like in my real life and what's the point of that?

Hope you can keep trying to bring it up with your T. There's an important reason for why it's happening and that matters a lot

[AllyIsHopeful]

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. Transference is so tough and it could make for some very miserable times. For me it used to come and go in phases and when I had my own realization of this pattern I worked up the courage to talk to her about it. (Much easier said than done...it took forever to finally bring it up)
What bothered me is she dismissed all my feelings as transference and did not validate any of them as being genuine. She did not make it easy! But I do believe there could be feelings of transference as well as genuine feelings, depending on how much you get to know your T.

I trust that transference could most definitely be worked through...but that is my opinion based on my experience. I am unsure if the work has a set ending, but the work itself is the healing part. Whatever transference is going on with T has likely occurred with others in our lives as well. Have you brought these feelings up in a session with your T? I'm curious if he has any solutions for the situation or if he dismissed it entirely.

It started working for me once I said "Listen! I love you and I care about you as a person, as I do many other people I find a connection with" and told her I'd be devastated if anything happened to her, not because I would no longer have anyone to talk to, but because I would feel a huge loss and very sad for her family. After I got that out of my system (which was so hard!!) I asked her how I could become more aware of actions and words that are driven by transference and how I can effectively redirect those feelings to the correct person. I asked her if she could help me figure out which person the feelings really belong to and she did help me until I was able to do it on my own and now things run very smoothly in the transference department.

I think the pain and frustration come from a place of confusion and helplessness because we don't realize there are people in our pasts, stuck in our heads, that are being projected onto people in our present lives. I know you are nervous about your T rejecting you but I am sure if you are open and honest, including communicating the amount of pain and how much it consumes your time, he will be more than willing to work through it with you. The hardest step is "T, I have something that has been bothering me........." and the second hardest is "Help???? "
It is very vulnerable and I don't blame you for being scared. You are human and have probably dealt with more than your fair share of scumbags who have instilled this fear in you. Have you tried writing/journaling about it or meditating on the situation? It may help if you can get to a place of accepting yourself and these feelings for what they are and realize is not your fault, but that it IS now your responsibility to fix the problem.

I went through a period of writing daily letters to my T when my attachment got too intense. Some days it was "I miss you..." or "I really need you" and occasionally it was "I am SO mad at you" and "I hate you today...I don't know why but I absolutely hate you"...

Then I was like..... Wait, what? You don't hate her. Why would you say that? What did she do? ....followed by I do miss her...but I need my mom... and I hate my parents....and I'm mad at MYSELF for choosing to take a month-long break from therapy. *mind blown* lol It was a big turning point in my comprehension of transference and projection and all of the ugliness that came along with it.

I know our situations are much different but the one things I do understand is the hellish nightmare of a struggle all of this crap creates. I'm totally on your side and I hope you keep posting and find whatever solution works best for your needs.