[AnnaBegins]

I met with my (ex) t today and during our conversation I told him that I don't think I can keep going like this and that I'm really close to breaking. His response was that I'm "stronger than I know".

One of my goals in therapy has been to "allow myself to be human" - be able to admit I need help, be able to cry without thinking I'm being bad and am going to get punished for it, stop blaming/punishing myself for every bad thing that has ever happened in my life (especially things I have/had no control over), etc. I struggle with this constantly because I already feel like I have never been and will never be good enough, even when I put on my "superhero" persona and act as the rock, problem-solver and caregiver for everyone else.

I feel like his comment is in direct opposition to this goal. I'm really struggling right now - can't tolerate anyone being nice to me without fighting back tears, I'm starting a new job next week that I don't believe I have the skills to be successful in and am finding it harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. I admitted this to him, which was as close as I've ever come to asking for help, and his response was that I'm stronger than I know? If I have strength, then isn't my desperately wanting help and extra support a bad thing? Or is it that the real me being weak, let alone letting him see that weakness, is not OK? If that's the case, then my main therapy goal, like me, seems worthless and there doesn't seem to be much point in continuing to fight against the inevitable.

How do you balance an appearance of strength, which seems to be preferred, with a desperate need for help/support that cannot be voiced? How do you ask for help when in doing so you run the risk of having everyone realize that the strength which seems to be the only worthwhile thing about you is really a worthless facade, if not an outright lie?

[HazelGirl]

Aww, I can understand why that would be confusing, even though he didn't mean it to be.

Maybe this will help: "sometimes the strongest thing you can do is admit you need help and ask for it from others."

Being strong doesn't mean you can't ask for help. In fact, being able to ask for exactly what you need when you need it is a great indicator of strength.

When my T has said this to me, and he has, he wasn't telling me I can do this without help. He wasn't telling me asking for help was a sign of weakness. What he was telling me is that I doubt myself far too much and that I minimize my abilities to cope at times.

He's reminding me that, along with help from him and others, I need find that part of myself I tend to forget about that has always made it through. He's reminding me of an inner strength that I need to pull from IN ADDITION TO getting support and help from others because I tend to try to keep knocking myself down, telling myself I can't do this, I can't survive, I can't, I can't, I can't. The fact is, I AM a strong individual, even in the most awful of times. I always come out on the other side, and he wants me to take credit for that rather than belittle my own inner strength.

And he's not talking about the superhuman persona I put on for people. That's just an act. He's talking about the true inner strength that I don't often give myself credit for. My guess is that is what your T is talking about.

[AnnaBegins]

I need help...really hurts to admit it...but I really need help...

I'm afraid if I tell him this, especially after his comment about my "strength", he's going to get mad at me because what I'm essentially telling him is that the help he is giving me is not enough.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

I need help...really hurts to admit it...but I really need help...

I'm afraid if I tell him this, especially after his comment about my "strength", he's going to get mad at me because what I'm essentially telling him is that the help he is giving me is not enough.

Almost all T's would want you to ask for more help if you need it. They know they are limited and they know that sometimes, what you need is beyond what they are able to give.

[Parley]

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

I need help...really hurts to admit it...but I really need help...

I'm afraid if I tell him this, especially after his comment about my "strength", he's going to get mad at me because what I'm essentially telling him is that the help he is giving me is not enough.

No your not~ you said he's your ex T. Yall met yesterday but I'm unsure if you are back in therapy. Of course he isn't giving what you need if you aren't his client/patient.

If you have started with him again~ Now is the perfect time. Especially if he didn't give you what you needed last time. No insult~ it's the past.

I told my therapist to stop feeding my ego. Your strength doesn't become a façade or worthless just because you don't need it right now.

I know I need to break but I'm not there yet. I have the issue of acceptance. I don't feel it's my job to tell someone how to treat me. The only thing I can control is how I respond. I either find their treatment acceptable or walk. That needs to change.

Best of luck~

[Freewilled]

I actually had something similar happen with my T awhile back. I was sharing my fear about being able to handle what would probably be a seemingly minor stressful situation to most people, and my T told me from what he knows of me, that I could definitely handle it.............eh. I appreciated the sentiment. I guess I just felt like I wasn't really wanting encouragement to just carry on. I know all about carrying on and managing situations. That's all I do. What I should have said was I know I can manage the situation but I'm exhausted. How can I stop being so damn exhausted? How the **** do people live like this? Why am I so damned thin-skinned? I feel like an alien. I feel so alone. But I didn't.

I think your T was mis attuned to you. He thought you needed to hear your strengths with encouragement but you maybe needed more empathy for how hard it is for you. It could help to share how his comment impacted you....I've just started to tell my T about my reactions the some of the stuff he says/does - definitely not easy but it might be helping, I think....