Super long rant

Ugh. I just need to vent. I know I'm being ridiculous and way over reacting.

My T allows me to text her whenever I want/need. She sees it as a way to stay connected to her during the week between our appointments and it works well. I don't expect her to respond immediately, and we have had very few problems with it as a method of communication.

Recently, though, my T didn't respond to something I had said in a way that made me feel heard (I discussed that here). I brought it up with her and she said that she was distracted and responded quickly because she was with her family and her husband had said something to her about them having family time and she was on her phone texting. And so that's why she replied in the way she did.

And that didn't bother me when she said it, but since she did, I have been thinking about it and I feel so terrible. I feel really guilty, and like I am hurting her or disrupting her life. And I guess I feel like I "got her in trouble", which is so stupid because she's a freaking adult. But I feel like it's my fault and like I shouldn't have been texting her.

It makes me want to stop texting her altogether or quit therapy because I'm hurting her life in some way. I feel so bad about it. And although, when I brought this up, she said it's okay and that she just needs to learn to respond during times that are better for her and her family, I still can't let go of feeling like it's my fault. I don't want her to start resenting me or getting angry at me because other people are angry at her or because she feels like I am too demanding. And I don't want other people to get angry at her or feel slighted by her. I know I'm worrying about things that are none of my business and my T has said many times that she will worry about boundaries, and that I don't have to, I still feel like I have to. I can't let that control go and just trust her. I have seen way too many people both inside and outside my family with terrible boundaries who way over extend themselves, and it ends up hurting them and everyone around them. I don't want that to happen to her.

Ugh. Sorry. You can ignore this.

((HazelGirl))

You are always allowed to ask for their time. How much time they give you is up to them.

This resonates with me because I believe that time is the currency of love.

And I guess I love you enough to spend time on answering your rant.

Thank you...I'm just upset about all of this. And I know that no amount of reassurance from my T will fix it right now.

I'm surprised at how many people use texting in therapy. If a therapist uses texting as a tool then her patients are not responsible for any "trouble" she gets in from her husband. It is not your responsibility to maintain the rules and if she hasn't learned her boundaries then I'm sure that is something you two will be working on later.

If you swear it off while in an emotional state~ you might feel another negative emotion when you don't stick to it. There is no shame in needing the contact but don't punish yourself because you realize you might need to establish some boundaries.

Your relationship is growing not crumbling. That's just my opinion~

Boy this is this the truth. If the therapist says texting is okay, then, it's okay. She was/is responsible for her time and the consequences of her decisions.

And that's just the truth.

I doubt she was " in trouble" with her hyusband or he was "angry" with her. That's your interpretation of what it means when a husband and wife make a request of each other, and it is probably very skewed. Sounded like a simple request on his part and one she was perfectly fine with.

Just ask for what you need, take care of you, and let your T take care of herself. She seems quite capable of doing so. Why is it your job to keep her out of trouble? Is that your role in life? Are you the peace-maker?

She chose at that moment to answer your text, you didn't make her do anything . In any case I would have felt as you are feeling right now.

Just for a little bit though, IMO she should have just said , she was rushing through the text due to whatever instead of giving you the whole explanation , that can make a client feel guilty sometimes. Not that she did it intentionally.

Her husband should expect these things once in a while, due to her career.

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This is something I've struggled with too - could have written every word you did. It's a really awful feeling - wanting to feel connected and like you matter to someone who matters to you mixed with guilt over taking them away from other things in their lives that "matter more than you" mixed with perhaps a small niggling doubt that you truly do matter or even should matter.

My (ex) t told me over and over again that he liked talking to me and that he wouldn't do it if he didn't. I can't say his reassurances always helped but he knew that and asked me to just try to sit with the idea that what he said was authentic and he wouldn't say something he didn't mean.

Thank you. I know this is true. I am just afraid of being too much for her, or becoming a burden to her.

I am sure this is definitely my skewed view of it. In my mind, she was "in trouble", and that leads to being punished in some way. I respond with that interpretation whenever someone is unhappy with me, and I guess I am doing the same with her.

As for my role in life, I think it had to do with my obsession with never getting myself in trouble, and feeling bad if someone else got in trouble. I have memories of me or my brother doing something wrong and getting in trouble for it and being abused. And so I am sure all of that plays into it. I'm also somewhat of a peace-maker by nature, and I don't like arguments or difficulties in relationships. They make me anxious.

I do think there was a bit of over-sharing in this instance. And I told her that instead of explaining the whole situation, she could have just said she was distracted and that would have been fine. I think she wanted me to understand why, though, and allow me to see she wasn't just blowing me off and coming up with an excuse.

Yeah, I don't see myself as worth her time. And although she says it's okay, I don't like that I text her so much. I feel so guilty about it so often, and even though it's probably 10 (at most) minutes out of her day (I don't send many and I am counting the probable amount of thinking time as well), I feel like I am taking that when I don't deserve it. And then to hear that there was a problem because of a text I sent made me feel so terrible.

I want to follow up on this. I talked to my T about this and she pointed out that some of my fear and guilt is based on what I have seen and experienced with marriages (my parents fought a LOT and divorced and still fought afterwards, and my dad and step-mom also fought all the time until they divorced). She reassured me that she and her husband have a really great relationship and I am not hurting her or him. I guess that helps a little bit. I do still feel guilty about it, but not as much.

You know, while I'm not invalidating how you felt, I'd feel exactly the same; But it is kind of flattering and says how much she thinks of you that even during family time she wanted to respond to you. That says quite a lot to me. What do you think?

I agree. But the problem is I don't want her to think of me during her time with her family. I want her to be with her family.

Interesting. I'd like to think my T thought about me at least once a day!

I don't want the woman thinking about me and I seriously doubt she does, but it is really just not possible to control others to that degree. What a therapist or anyone else does on their own time is not something anyone else can control. Therapists do not magically have more interesting and less stressful families than anyone else and how they handle time away from the office is up to them.

Don't worry, you're not hurting your T that much. She is an adult and if the texting was bothering her she would tell you that, but she allows texting, and even with a text you get to choose when to reply.

I know you are all right. And she has said the same thing. She and I have been talking about this for the past few days. And I do understand that it's her responsibility. I do still hold some guilt, but not as much. Thank you.