So my session the other night went a bit unexpectedly. I wanted to say thank you, first and foremost to all of you wonderful people out there who were my pocket riders that evening. I couldn't have done it without you guys. And especially Mactastic! You kept me calm as I was freaking out and about ready to leave. Thanks again.

He was half an hour late. My appointment was at 7, but I didn't actually go in until near 7:30. I was starting to get so upset. In his defense though, he kept me just as long...or maybe even longer. I didn't come out of that room till 8:30 that evening.

Nevertheless, I was totally ready to just end it right then and there. But we just started talking like usual.

I ended up disclosing something that I did last weekend with a guy I used to live with/was friends with benefits with, for a year. I was totally in love with him, and he just used me the entire time. Anyway, for some reason I thought this guy had changed, and I invited him over to my apartment last Friday. He didn't change, apparently. He has some interesting "kinks" that I used to do with him, and he thought that maybe I would want to do it with him again, even though he has a girlfriend. I was honestly disgusted. But then for some reason or another, maybe out of loneliness, I asked the guy in my bed just to "cuddle."

My T seemed upset by this, and asked why on earth I would do that, after the guy revealed that he pretty much only wanted to do one thing with me. He said I couldn't possibly be that naive. He asked, "Was it loneliness, desperation...etc?" I said maybe a bit of both. He asked me why I expected a different result. He said that most people's "kinks" never change.

Then he asked me what MY kink was. He said he was just curious. I told him that I couldn't tell him that. He kept probing, saying that I tell him everything else (lots of details about my sexual past), and that this shouldn't be a big deal. In reality it wasn't, but I wasn't comfortable sharing the fact that my favorite book as a teenager was Lolita, and that sometimes my brain goes to "inappropriate places." I looked like I was about to cry and kept sitting there, telling him I couldn't say. So he did some guessing games, and finally asked, "Does it have something to do with me?"

I got really quiet, and just said, "Yes. Partly." I told him I couldn't elaborate on it because my feelings were starting to get really intense at that moment. He said that he's heard everything a million times over as a T, and NOTHING could offend him. Then he said, "You think I haven't been onto what you've been doing for months now? You think I don't know what you're trying to do?"

He said, "Ever since I told you that you look better with your hair straight, you've been wearing it that way to sessions. You put on makeup, you put in a LOT of effort in coming here." I didn't deny this. All I could reply was, "Look, my feelings for you...this is so hard for me. To talk about just HOW deep I feel for you....I can't do it. I just CAN'T."

He looked quite empathetic and said, "Winenot3, you're probably so scared of me kicking you out of here or referring you, that it's completely inappropriate, wondering if I have supervision. It's terrifying you. But you can talk to me. I know what you're feeling."

I said it's hard to have deep feelings for someone who I can only see once a week, and that I don't know how to handle this. He said, "This is so difficult for you because I'm the first person you've ever met who truly GETS you, who understands you more than you understand yourself, sometimes." I told him not to flatter himself, but that maybe there was some truth to that. Then finally, "OKAY, so I LIKE you. So what. I'm a ****ing human being. Heaven forbid I have feelings like this for another human being." (I couldn't get myself to say the word "love", but I think he caught that. He thanked me for being honest, even if it was half-assed)

Basically after that he said, "Look. This is going to be difficult, but we're gonna have to start talking about this. You haven't been forthcoming with me for months now. You haven't been truthful. It's time. But I'm asking right now, can you handle this? Can you handle this exploration? Because I might push you emotionally towards places you don't want to go, or are not comfortable. You're a strong woman, though, but really, you have a choice here. Can you handle this?"

And I said yes. I want to try. I told him again that I'm scared, and he just kept reiterating that it's okay.

He mentioned something as I was paying and scheduling another appointment, and I didn't quite catch it. He just said, "Next session." He's NEVER said to me about continuing a conversation next session. So that was different.

One thing I'm annoyed about is that I'm not scheduled for this next week. Usually he schedules me weeks in advance, in the same time slot. For some reason we missed this next week, but he asked me what the best number was to contact me for a cancellation. I was thinking "*****, please! Like you REALLY don't have my number, considering how often I text you." But I didn't say that. lol.

I dunno. I'm glad we're finally discussing this, but why did it have to be after my suffering for so long? Part of me is still upset knowing that even though I already said I had feelings for him once in January and in April, that he's just been waiting around until I reached my breaking point. Don't you guys think that's weird? Of course, I never told him the INTENSITY of these feelings, and that's what he's trying to bring out now.

Again, I only remember these bits and pieces about our session. I'm probably leaving out stuff here and there, and for that I apologize. I just wonder where this is all headed, and if we are really going to analyze this. Again I wonder what the point is. I have feelings for him. And? I don't know what he's supposed to do about this. But I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

[purplemystery]

I'm really glad to hear that it went better than you expected it to go, especially since you were so worried. You did very well saying what you did. It's good that he seems to be proactive about talking about this now, and it sounds like he will be supportive and is not going to refer you out. I've struggled from time to time about the "why." It felt so strange to talk about this sort of thing with my T, but it got so much easier as time went on and I became accustomed to my T's reactions. Maybe you'll find your "why" as you go. I hope you find the courage to continue talking about your feelings.

Originally Posted by purplemystery

I'm really glad to hear that it went better than you expected it to go, especially since you were so worried. You did very well saying what you did. It's good that he seems to be proactive about talking about this now, and it sounds like he will be supportive and is not going to refer you out. I've struggled from time to time about the "why." It felt so strange to talk about this sort of thing with my T, but it got so much easier as time went on and I became accustomed to my T's reactions. Maybe you'll find your "why" as you go. I hope you find the courage to continue talking about your feelings.

Thank you! Sometimes it feels like you can never say enough in those 50 minutes. I can talk about anything, but never my feelings for him. It's definitely difficult.

I swear, some of the things he said sounded verbatim like stuff I've written on here. I was wondering if he had been reading my posts or something! At one point I joked, "wow, can you get out of my head? This is creeping me out."

I don't know how he "knows" all of this. Either he's that good, or I am super obvious about my feelings without having to say a word. And no, I didn't bring up the Facebook thing about him and his girlfriend. That I will definitely keep to myself!


“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by winenot3

Thank you! Sometimes it feels like you can never say enough in those 50 minutes. I can talk about anything, but never my feelings for him. It's definitely difficult.

I swear, some of the things he said sounded verbatim like stuff I've written on here. I was wondering if he had been reading my posts or something! At one point I joked, "wow, can you get out of my head? This is creeping me out."

I don't know how he "knows" all of this. Either he's that good, or I am super obvious about my feelings without having to say a word. And no, I didn't bring up the Facebook thing about him and his girlfriend. That I will definitely keep to myself!

I've felt the same way-- sessions are so short. Sometimes I spend the first 30 minutes warming up, and then finally spit something out and it's over. Time goes by so fast in therapy.

Haha, our T's reading our posts is a horrifying thought. I guess it's good that he knows/suspects your feelings, because then at least he won't be like "what the...??" (not that he ever would, but at least you don't have to worry about that). I think you're about to start on a really meaningful and important route with your T.

And if you don't feel comfortable about the Facebook thing, it's probably best to go one step at a time. I never ended up telling my T about what I found when I Googled her. Though maybe somewhere down the line you'll feel more comfortable and will be able to.

[Mactastic]

I'm so glad to hear it went ok, I was starting to worry so you don't have another appointment scheduled? Am I understanding correctly? These upcoming sessions are going to be tough but it's so important that you're honest. He can't help you if he doesn't know what's going on. You don't have to disclose all at once.

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[junkDNA]

that's very brave of you. im sure the exploration with be mega uncomfortable. but healing in the end. best of luck to you