[purplemystery]

During termination, I was always going on about how much I was losing and how depressed I was because of it. My T would often say to me "there will be other teachers in your life, and other people that will fill your needs." I'm sure that's true, but I honestly can't imagine that anyone could possibly fill more needs for me than my T did. Not even a romantic partner. Because I feel like I want/need a parental figure, and I'm getting too old (22) for anyone in real life to provide that, except maybe another T.

I guess I just wanted to ask if anyone feels like you have had a lot of people in your life besides your T that have met your needs or taught you important lessons. Is what she said true? I just feel so needy right now for maternal love. If I ever hope to have parental needs met, do I need to find another T? I feel like I will eventually, but I need a break to grieve the end with my former T.

[HazelGirl]

I'm 22, and I have a lot of people in my life who are "parental figures". It's nice because I have a lot of people I can go to for advice or to tell them about my life.

[smmath]

What about a professor of former teacher from school?

[feralkittymom]

Sure. But I think the key is to not look to fulfill all of those needs from one person: try to cultivate many people for the particular lesson each can teach you.

I grew up surrounded by countless role models. I was part of a large, close-knit family, where usually there were four generations around. And the church I grew up in was an older congregation so I had all these amazing elderly modeling right living (faith, family, friends). I had what felt like layers of family and support systems around me all the time, and these were such amazing and interesting people who had life stories that were lessons to us as we grew up. We still have a few of that generation around, but most have passed on. One thing I have tried to do with my own kids is rear them around older generations. There is so much life wisdom to found in just being with people who have made it so far through all life has thrown their direction.

[stopdog]

I don't consider the therapist a life teacher or role model. I have had role models in other areas and in books.

[brillskep]

Yes, I had lots of people like that before my T, though I think my T is the best so far (as he should be, since in his case it's his job).

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't consider the therapist a life teacher or role model. I have had role models in other areas and in books.

You have a good point there. I don't really consider my T a role model either. I do think he models what he preaches, so to speak, but that might be as far as I'd take it. I don't exactly look "up" to him to the degree I do with the real-life role models in my life. Not really the same thing for me.

I have friends, family, and activities to feel that need now. And though they have always been there I could not make use of them, until I accepted the fact that I did not get the safety and security that builds an internal foundation to live a good life from my mom. She could not provide it then, and she could not provide it even if we did therapy together. And, unless I got that from *someone* I would continue to flounder emotionally. Through Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with my therapist I made progress, and now can use other people in my life to live a rich full life. Far from perfect, but the child in me is not running amuck, and stopping me from enjoying the good things and good people in my life. Sometimes, other people do provide this without therapy. I often hear on this forum that that initial need from infancy can never be filled, and my belief is that is poppycock.

I know you just ended therapy, but am not clear if you want another. Good luck to you.

[brillskep]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

You have a good point there. I don't really consider my T a role model either. I do think he models what he preaches, so to speak, but that might be as far as I'd take it. I don't exactly look "up" to him to the degree I do with the real-life role models in my life. Not really the same thing for me.

Interesting point. I wonder if I would consider my T as much as a role model if I weren't in the same field (thus learning from him). At the same time, in my mind the phrase "role model" also means learning certain behaviors, which is the case with good therapists. I think "role model"may mean different things for different people. I have called people who had behaviors or personalities I admired role models too, even if I didn't want to follow in their footsteps otherwise (though to tell you the truth those people were teachers and now I am a sort of teacher myself, even though it is not my main occupation ... go figure ...)

[ScarletPimpernel]

I do consider my T as a role model. Probably partially due to the fact we're the same age, same gender, same valves, same interests... I have always looked at her as my mentally stable "twin".

I have never really had "family" or "friends". But I have had a lot of "life teachers": teachers, school counselors, T's, religious mentors... Some people we're only in my life for literally a week, but I still learned a lot from them.

I even look up to my current Pdoc.

I consider all of those people as a model in my life because they are/we're not only supportive and intelligent, but they live(d) their life in the manner that I hope to.

All come and go. It's part of life. I just try to remember that it is better to have them in your life for a short while than not at all.

[tinyrabbit]

There are people who play important roles in my life - close friends, my vicar, my baptism sponsors who are like godparents - but they aren't the same as a t.

[clairelisbeth]

I definitely consider my T to be a role model, teacher and parental figure. I had a few teachers when I was in high school that I connected with who filled those roles, but not even close to the extent that my current T does. They still very much affected me though.

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[Ambra]

I admire my therapist but surprisingly I can't see her as a parental figure. Still she is a guide to a better management and knowledge of myself and I'm fond of her.

I've had a few important figures in my life. Among these I had a very special role model and maternal figure, that relationship was at least as painful as therapy though. It took me more than 10 years to get over that separation.
The positive about that is that it isn't a professional relationship with specific boundaries anymore. So when I bump into this person, I let her hug me as much as she wants and I know that she loves me.

[someone321]

My T is for sure not my life teacher (yet?) but maybe we've just met too late... I used to listen all discussions between my parents and their friends and I learnt from it... Now, I guess I follow my prof. as I still can learn a lot from her but to be honest I hope that I'll be learning till the end of my life so I only hope that I'll "choose" right people to learn from...