[kororain]

So my next appointment with T isn't until 6/9 and I'm not sure "how to be". You guys know all your stuff, so I'm asking here.

I'm recently trying to feel all of my real emotions. I'm trying to be real and vulnerable and all that. (Brene Brown, y'all!)

So... I'm the person who always jumps to anger as a defense. First response: Anger! Eff that guy! I hate him. He's a jerk. He's trying to hurt me. But I know that's wrong and untrue, so I'm trying to sift through all these feelings and determine which ones I share and which ones I don't.

These are co-worker issues, but my co-workers are some of my best friends. But we're still co-workers, ya dig?

Issue #1:
Co-worker friend, let's call him Steve, and I have a standing lunch date for every Thursday (sushi). He is also my go-to friend to vent to about work issues. Steve and I talk outside of the office too. He calls me every day while we're commuting and we talk for about 1/2 an hour.

So I've noticed lately that I have to initiate Sushi Thursday almost every week. Or at least it seems like it. I don't know if he's truly forgetful, or if he's trying to get out of it, or just doesn't want sushi or what.

I was so pissed today that he didn't even mention it. We usually go at 11:30 and at noon he still hadn't said anything. Finally, I asked if he wanted to go and he said he was waiting on a phone call. Well thanks for letting me know? I'm sitting here starving. So I went to lunch by myself. Hurt that he doesn't bother to check with me or anything. Does he even want to hang out? Is he really just forgetful or what? Should I say something to him?

Issue #2:
Second Steve issue. Like I said, he and I vent to each other. He has said a few hurtful things to me in the past, the last one yesterday about how I just don't want to face reality about my relationship with another co-worker. I don't know if he thinks I'm an idiot that I won't let the friendship go, or if he's just tired of hearing about it, or if he's tired of seeing me hurt, or what??? But it's hurtful to tell me I don't want to face reality. I'm trying VERY hard to work things out with other co-worker... but if he doesn't want to hear about it, that's fine. I want to tell him that hurt my feelings, but not sure if I should just suck it up.

Issue #3:
New co-worker. Let's call him Bob. Bob and I work together closely. I handle 99% of his projects. He is taking me and Steve out to lunch to thank us for our help this past year. I found out today he's inviting another co-worker who handles the other 1% of his projects. Let's call her Betty.

I don't want to go. I'm hurt. I hate that he's including Betty when I do so much more for him, but he's treating us equally. It makes me hate myself. Like I'm not special in any way. My contribution really means nothing if he's equating it with hers. Why do I even bother to do my job? I want to decline the invitation because I'm hurt.

I know this is TOTALLY my issue. So this one, I really think I can't tell him. I just have to suck it up. Right?

I'm struggling with what's MY issue to keep to myself, and what's an issue I take to other people.

[HazelGirl]

I say talk to Steve about all that you're feeling from him. He could just be distracted and busy, but the only way to know is to ask.

As for the Bob thing...get over it. That's said in the most honest way I can. I don't mean to be rude, but you already get paid for your job. That's the recognition you receive. Anything on top of that is gravy. You aren't "more deserving" or "less deserving".

[shabur]

I agree with HazelGirl. You need to ask Steve if something has changed and if it has is there something you can do to fix it.
Regarding Betty, Bob is thanking all those who helped him regardless of how much work they did. Take it for what it's worth...a time to be appreciated.

[Freewilled]

I think the thing with Bob happened because Bob is being politically correct and appropriate for a work-place setting. At work, everyone gets treated fairly (well at least on the front side). So he's inviting Betty in order to be fair. To be on her good side too, probably. And to foster a good teamwork environment Take all this with a grain of salt though cause I don't even know Bob or Betty lol

I think the Steve issue is a bit more complex. I can't really say for sure what's going on there as I don't know the way your relationship operates, but just from my own personal experience I can kind of relate to Steve. Only because I have a friend who I used to work with where we kind of had the same thing going on. She would pretty much always go to lunch with me on a certain day of the week and it became expected. It was sometimes said in jest and sometimes not said at all, but I KNEW I had to go with her. If I didn't, she would be mad. She would make a joke about it or she would get pissed. But not directly pissed, more talk behind your back pissed. But I almost always went. And I enjoyed lunch with her. I liked her a lot. But I felt controlled. And that spoiled it for me. And it made it hard to be spontaneous.

Now part of this pattern initially started because she took the lead right away and I am more passive. I am not the type of person to ask someone to lunch, although I've been working on that and I have improved. It's not because I don't like to go out to lunch with people, but I do have some mental health problems that make social stuff difficult sometimes. Sometimes I need a break from people and having expectations placed on me sets me off. Totally my issue. Like I said, I really do like my friend. But sometimes I need space.

So that's just how the situation played out for me from my side of the fence. I realize it might be nothing like that in your situation so forgive me if it's too forward. It might help to talk to Steve. Or maybe give him space and see what comes out of it?

[kororain]

Thanks you guys. I really appreciate the responses and feel validated that I *do* know how to make good decisions. You're basically saying what I was thinking, but I'm in a new place where I'm not trusting myself. So thank you again.

[growlycat]

I can relate!

Work friendships are really hard to maintain. There is such a thing as "too much togetherness". I have found out the hard way that someone I thought liked having lunch with me every other day, actually wanted to do other things but never told me. She just passive-agressively ditched me. I wish I had caught on sooner. Maybe Steve needs some space???

As far as Bob inviting Betty---I don't see it as a negative, he is probably just trying to not leave anyone out, even the 1%-er. Very smart, politically speaking, don't think he meant to slight you?

I had to learn to either go it alone during some lunches or branch out and start getting to know a wider circle of work people.

[Perna]

I try to differentiate when I'm wishing for another person to make me happy. For me, the bottom line is if I want sushi on Thursday, I have to make that happen. I like having Steve along so, when I am going for my sushi on Thursday, I ask Steve if he'd like to come.

Steve is not part of your relationship with the other coworker but has an opinion about it. Fine, he's entitled to his opinion. It is either helpful to you in your decision on how to deal with the other co-worker or it is not. That you feel hurt could be a very important piece of information. If it were me, I would look at my reality-facing as dispassionately as I could, all angles. Maybe I am trying to work out the relationship with co-worker but maybe that is not possible at this time -- either for me or for the co-worker or just for the both of us together. Maybe I am afraid Steve's opinion about how I am dealing with the other coworker is also his opinion of how I deal with Steve or life in general or something larger. However, I would remember that it is just Steve's opinion and the decisions on what to do in my life are all mine.

If Bob were inviting me out to lunch with others, I would not take it very personally. It reminds me of people who get asked to lots of parties and then decide they have to throw a party in turn. It's just "what people do". If Bob wants to personally thank me for what I have done for him, he can do that more personally. Bob is celebrating he works with some nice, helpful people. I would be happy to be part of that celebration.