[musinglizzy]

I am glad I found this forum! I am soon-to-be 40, and just started seeing a psychologist. This is all quite new to me, but it was either try this, or contact a lawyer and make steps to divorce my husband. I decided to try therapy for myself first (I know he would never go to couples therapy). I still think a divorce is in my future, but I thought perhaps seeing a T would help me with my depression and anxiety, mostly over my home/marriage situation. Although I have struggled with depression most of my life.

Being new to psychotherapy, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. Aside from what you see on TV...lol.....the tastefully decorated office with a couch, etc. Yup. That's it! I searched online for a T. I wanted someone who was somewhat conveniently located, or I knew I wouldn't be so easy to commit to it. I found one who I was willing to try, and contacted her. She has a busy practice, after hearing my story, knew I should get in sooner rather than later, and asked if I'd be willing to see a colleague of hers, who was a man. I said I'm willing to see a man for girly stuff, or anything else, except matters of the heart. So, she jumped through hoops to get me into a regular weekly schedule, and I knew just based on our Email communications, I liked her. I only just had my second visit last week. I felt like we hit it off within the first 10 minutes of my first session. I like her. She's easy to talk to, and made it so easy for me to work through the near panic I was dealing with waiting to see her for the first time. She noticed, of course, and Emailed me after my appointment saying how impressed she was that I was able to bring myself out of that.

The first session went quite well I'd say, I know it will take several to really get to know each other and feel more comfortable, but before I left my first session, I hugged her. Kind of a way for me to show her that I thought she was pretty ok, and that I would definitely be coming back. I'm just not always good with words. And I know there is a lot more to work through than just my current situation. I grew up in an abusive home, and I see traits in myself that stem from those days still.

When I hugged her that first time, she did hug me back, but after I left I got to thinking to myself....is that right? Is that acceptable? Did I break some unwritten (or written) rule I wasn't aware of? Well, my appointment last week confirmed that it's A-ok. I did not intend to hug her this time... but before she opened her door, she held out her arms, inviting me for a hug. That was very nice.....and you bet, I took that hug. I'm a hugger. Surprising given my history, but I had some pretty great people in my life who helped undo everything that had been ingrained into me as a pre-teen and teen.

She is asking some pretty powerful questions, and has given me some insight already.....near the end of our first session, she kind of had an opinion of me. That I was smart, resourceful, but carrying a lot of anger. I saw it more as disappointment, but I spent the next several days thinking about it, and I think she's right. And I told her so.

We have a LONG way to go, but I really am very happy that I chose the right one, as the first one. I think on the first try, I found myself a great match, and I'm so happy about that. After just two sessions, I'm wishing I'd have started this sooner...we have along way to go. I don't know how long to expect to be seeing her...years?? I don't know. But for now, I will be seeing her once a week, with no end in sight. I know I can't change my husband, but I think my new T can help me see things in a different light. Perhaps one that's not so disappointed and bitter. We don't sleep in the same room, let alone the same floor in the house.

So, I surely questioned the hug I gave her, but she eased my worries by inviting ME in for a hug before I left last week. So hugging is obviously ok. Being new to this, if there's any other pointers I should be aware of? I want and need to get the most out of this....I am not coping well on my own.

Thanks for reading, and hello! I'm so glad I found this community!

[stopdog]

Hugs or other non- sexual tough are tools that work for some people and not for others. I am not a hugger or toucher with almost all people, so it would not be for me. But many people find it beneficial, and if you do, then don't worry about it is my thinking on the matter.

[AustenFan]

With you being new to therapy, frankly I would be a little careful at this site. Everyone has different Ts, different experiences, different issues, and different opinions. If you're not already secure in your T relationship you may find yourself constantly and unnecessarily worrying that you've done something wrong or T has done something wrong or it was silly or stupid for you to want this or that, or no one else would have thought that or wanted this...

I never thought a thing of asking my T for extra appointments, or longer times. I never thought a thing of just emailing her whenever I wanted, or giving her a hug without asking. I just did these things. Fortunately I did them all before finding this site otherwise I'd have been in agony thinking asking for extra appointments was taboo or emailing was taboo, etc. etc. It was much better for me to be spontaneous and act as I normally would, than to read about that stuff here and then be calculated about it, or fearful or whatever. If my T had had a problem with anything I did she'd have told me. I'm glad I was myself instead of thinking there were some unspoken rules that everyone here knew that I didn't, and then being afraid to hug my T or ask for extra appointments.

This site is great, don't get me wrong. But just remember it should ENHANCE your experience with your T, not make you worry or stress out about stuff that may otherwise never have entered your head. I'm not explaining myself well. Basically, take advantage of the great people here and their input, yes, but also take what you actually need and what is helpful, and leave the rest. Don't let our opinions color your relationship with your T in any way. Only you know her and only you know yourself.

AustenFan - your advice is the best I have read on this forum to someone in therapy. I wish I had it when I embarked on therapy. Thank you for your succinct weigh in on how to use these boards.

[Rive.]

The therapy journey is very personal and unique to each client. As such, don't worry too much about following a particular 'template'. You know, what works for person X might not necessarily work for person Y.

If there were any general advice I could give, it would be to go by your gut instinct. If something feels off to you, then this would be cause to question/discuss further with T. But again, it will be something very personal to you and your T's relationship. (Of course, excluding blatant breaches of therapy guidelines)

Good luck with it all.

[musinglizzy]

Thank you all for the feedback! Very interesting....I appreciate being "warned." Yes, I am new to therapy, going weekly, only had two sessions so far. And it's funny you say this stuff (about reading posts on the group), because it WAS something I read (I don't think here) that made me wonder if that hug I gave her the first time was ok. I mean, I guess if it wasn't, she'd have said something, but she hugged me back. But I read something online saying that there should be boundaries, and hugging is breaking those boundaries. Guess that's why I asked. But again, she certainly doesn't feel that way.... because my second appt, last week, she opened her arms to me as an invite before I left. I did not intend to hug her.

The hug after the first session was simply because she has a very busy practice, and she worked her BUTT off to get me in on a regular schedule. Only having to wait two weeks. I feel she went above and beyond....this was all by Email.... so really, I don't think Emails are wrong.... because we were already Emailing back and forth before I even met her.

My gut feeling was GOOD walking in there the first time. And was even better when I left. I was a nervous, nearly nervous break down type, wreck when I was there waiting for my first appt. I worked through it, and by the end was comfortable. What was nice was that she Emailed me the next day, letting me know she could see how very nervous I was, and that she was very impressed with how I worked it out on my own. Second appt (last week) felt just as good. Like I've known her a long time. I never thought I would click with the very first T I tried...but I think she's a perfect fit.

I will read posts here with an open mind.

[HazelGirl]

Just follow her lead. It's only a problem if you end up sleeping together (which I highly doubt will happen) or engage in a relationship of some sort that exploits you. Just remember that therapy is about you and your problems, and as long as that is the focus, you should be okay.

[musinglizzy]

LOL...thanks....we're both females, married to men....I don't see sleeping together as an option! I've never been sexually attracted to women in any way. (BTW HazelGirl, I am on valium as needed for anxiety, but don't notice that it usually helps, I am also on Wellbutrin, but 300 mgs a day. Thought about cutting THAT out too....)

[musinglizzy]

I've spent my free time reading posts on this forum. I've seen that some people are really very dependent on their T's. I want to do my best to NOT to be that way. I'm sure it's quite hard....being in such an "intimate" situation, talking about things with this one person you can't talk about to anyone else. I was absolutely shocked about the texting posts. My gosh...I don't have numbers or text with ANY professionals I've ever dealt with...except my chiropractor, only because he initiated it....

I was just very surprised that people had their T's cell phone number (or maybe its a business cell phone), and texted with them, and also was surprised to read in one post where the poster had to pay for "Email sessions" as well. I guess I was quite lucky. I wanted my new T to have a summary of my history, so I didn't have to waste so much time "going there," and it really was rather long. So wow. Suppose she could have charged me for that? This is a new experience for me.....but I just can't imagine texting with my T. I don't HAVE an "emergency" number for her....maybe most T's do....but I guess if there was some sort of emergency, all I could do was Email or leave a message on the business phone.

But really, I see a lot of people longing for their T's for various reasons. I really do want to do my best NOT do feel that way.

[JayneJohnson49]

I concur with AustenFan, her post is spot on. I found PC about six months into my therapy journey and so glad I did, it has really complemented my therapy and the few times I've posted allowed me to gain new insights and learn. I mainly read threads as I can't post from my job. The support and knowledge here is wonderful, accepting and so very encouraging.

I'm glad I didn't find PC early in the journey as similar to you I just did things without realizing it could be a boundary issue or without reading into what was said/what wasn't said. T needed to change an appointment, okay, it didn't mean anything more than just that. I needed an extra session, okay, I'll ask. I want to ask T is she likes such and such a band, yup, didn't think twice that it could be an issue or that she might not answer. I look back now and realize just how, oblivious and unaware I was to all of it. Probably T looked at me and thought Oh, how cute, fresh blood!

Our first session she says "sit wherever you like" so I look around and see an arm chair, a couch and a computer chair. I picked the arm chair which was near the door and faced the window. I did it a few sessions and finally T said that was really her chair and when she said I could pick where to sit she meant which couch cushion! I died in hysterics and of course she started to ask if there was deeper meaning to my picking the chair and being by the door and wanting to escape. Well, no, none of that. The chair faced the window and I found watching the birds on the trees calming! I gave zero thought as to where T would sit and whether there was meaning in any of it. Now that I've been in therapy close to two years there are days I wish I could go back to that sweet, innocent state of mind.

[AustenFan]

And this is the type of stuff I was talking about...you see that some people text with their Ts and that has left you thinking it's very unusual. Others read that and get sad and jealous that their Ts don't text with them. Your T obviously allows long emails, other Ts don't allow emails other than brief scheduling ones. Again, one person's reaction might be 'oh no way would I want to email my T!' while another's may be 'why doesn't my T care enough about me to allow me to email?!'

That's why reading about everyone else's experiences can sometimes make things worse. It can help someone think they have the best T ever, but it can also make people think they have the worst T ever who clearly doesn't care because they don't text, they don't email, they don't do phone sessions, etc.

You seem very happy with your T so I encourage you to focus on that and try not to compare her or your relationship with anyone else's. It can just cause heartache, anger, or jealousy. As I stated before, I came here when I was almost done with therapy so I was 'immune' to others' relationships/experiences with their Ts. But during my process I did tell a friend a lot of what went on with my T and she didn't like some of the things my T did and got very angry with her. My friend loves me and was taking up for me. The problem was I was able to work things out with my T and move past the issues that came up, but my friend was not. I finally had to stop telling my friend ANYTHING about my T and my therapy because her love for me and her (in her mind) 'justifiable anger' was making things worse for me and tainting my feelings toward my T. It can be like that here with the comparisons I think.

Some people here do online therapy and therefore are charged for email sessions, but from what I've read here most Ts in face to face therapy do not charge for emails, but of course others don't even allow them. My first 'real' email to my T was six pages long and due to its length I warned her in advance, allowing her to say not to send it. She said she loved the idea of a long email and afterward said she would welcome more. I kid you not, it became a daily thing, and yes, that long each time...and she read them all, for free. Every T is different...some Ts wouldn't have allowed that at all, others would have said they had to charge me due to the length (over 2500 pages by the time I finished therapy), and others, like her, would have said it was fine.

As for dependence on Ts, it's tricky. You want to bond, but you don't want your heart broken at the end. I'd tell her of your concerns. I'd tell her that you've been reading about others' experiences and you've heard about this and that and you're wondering her thoughts on everything. Being upfront and open in the beginning may save heartache at the end.

Of course, you lose a lot of the spontaneity by reading all these posts and being proactive. But being prepared and informed is not necessarily a bad thing, but frankly the open way you went into things, the spontaneous hug you gave her, the long email you sent her...I think that was the best way to do things. If you can refrain from worrying about whether or not you're doing it right or whether or not your T is doing it right, I think you'll end up with a more honest, healing relationship.

If you don't want to long for your T, don't allow her to become the focus of your life. Keep on with your other activities and keep up with your friends, relatives, co-workers, neighbors, etc. You can have a special relationship with her, but by nurturing the ones you already have with others you'll have better luck not letting it consume you.

Just all my mere opinion, of course.

[JayneJohnson49]

One of my first posts, if not my first post, came about as I was jealous of reading how other T's (for posters on here) had out of session contact. Either through texting or their T would just call and check on them after a difficult session. I'd had a terrible session, was in a deep depressive episode with SI and was very fragile. For some unkown reason I was pissed my T hadn't contacted me, even though in our previous six months working together we'd not had one out of session exchange nor had I asked her to check-in with me. It took posting on here to realize I'd internalized a relationship component others had with T's and I was envious. I didn't even know that was going on, it was all subconscious. Not good or bad but it was great realization that helped me understand how reading PC can be beneficial and not at the same time.

[musinglizzy]

THanks for the input! Especially Austenfan...you really shed some light. I went in there completely NOT KNOWING what to expect. And yes, I admit that when I hugged her after that first session, I thought nothing of it. Just a mere "thank you," for working so hard to get me into her already full schedule. It wasn't until I read somewhere, while trying to learn how to get the most out of my therapy, that hugging can be a boundary for some T's, and a non issue for others. It's pretty obvious it's a non issue for mine, or she wouldn't have offered me the hug after my session last week. I will admit I'm curious...like does she have kids? Etc.... but for some reason, I'm curious about stuff like that with anyone. But, because of the nature of her job, I have no intention of asking her personal questions.

But reading on here how severely emotionally attached people get with their T's, in a way, I think it helps me....because I realize that it can happen, and I have a choice whether to let it or not. I hope. I want to get the most out of therapy, but I also don't want to DEPEND on her. I know I need to depend on her to listen, and maintain privacy, but I also don't want to be the type of person who feels "I need my T" whenever I'm having a bad day. I need to work things out on my own. So I am thankful to see that this is a pretty common occurrence, and I am aware of it, and can do what I can NOT to get "too" attached. I'm sure it's very easy to do...you're giving the contents of your entire heart to this person.....it would be easy to become dependent on them.