[HazelGirl]

I don't get it. Life is okay, we haven't done a lot of trauma work recently (due to me moving), I have a few stressors but nothing major, and I don't have a reason to feel anxious or depressed.

But I am so on edge and nervous about things I can't really figure out. I am freaked out over every little thing, to the point that I am mentally spiraling downward. But it's all in my head. The feelings aren't even super overwhelming. What the heck is going on?

Last night, I did something stupid (SH) that I have only done twice before in my life to try to relieve some of the built-up feelings. And it didn't work (it never has worked for me). But why in the world did I do that? I know how to handle these feelings. They're not too much for me. But it's like I see myself so poorly right now, and dislike myself so much, that I won't do those things and instead just beat myself up mentally.

What is wrong with me? Why am I doing this? I'm not even extremely upset, and yet I am coping so terribly with this.

Those of us with emotional/childhood issues often get so-called "adjustment disorder" around stressful changes and life events. That's my guess...

Is the move affecting your therapy sessions in any way?

[HazelGirl]

Maybe that's it. It would make sense that it had to do with moving. Hmm...

What do you mean by affecting it? We talk about it and about some of the stress surrounding moving. So I'm not sure what you mean by that.

I was thinking logistically, like misding sessions or driving further...

You did de-emphasize or minimize moving by enclosing it in parentheses, so that could be related to your questioning the mood issues...

[HazelGirl]

No, it isn't affecting whether I go. I didn't move too far, just to a different suburb in the same area. I know it's my first time on my own and that aspect is really stressful.

[Piraeus]

Hi HazelGirl. It's nice to meet you. I'm sorry you are in a slump right now.
I get that way from time to time. Mostly I don't know when it's going to happen. I carry a clonipin with me, or take one before I know I'm going some place. Another thing that set's me off is conflict. My brother calls over here drunk all the time, and wants to fight. Physical fights.

I tell him come on over if he thinks he's a big man. I always feel anxiety with that. I never hurt him. I just get him in a headlock and hold him there until he calms down. It's been a long time since we fought like that. I don't miss it.

Please take care of yourself. No more(SH). Get to the doctor. It could be that you need an increase in dosage, or maybe add something new.

Sincerely,

Piraeus

[HazelGirl]

I don't think my medications need changed. I would hope I would know if that was the case. Like I said, it's not a huge amount of emotion that I feel overwhelmed. I don't know why I am having such difficulties with it. It's rather stupid that I can't get ahold of myself right now. And I don't normally SH. It was more an attempt to "try something new" even though I knew it would be bad.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I know it's my first time on my own and that aspect is really stressful.

It can be the unconscious stuff related to uncertainty, the unknown, and/or fears about loss of control that feed the emotional dysregulation....

[junkDNA]

would this have anything to do with ur other posts about feeling like ur T doesnt care about you? maybe you are acting out and testing ur T by doing this to show urself that maybe she does care. no judgments. just a thought

[sweepy62]

hi hazelgirl, moving is considered a stressor, like getting a new job, death in family, and so forth, but subconciously something else is going on, and maybe the move was the icing on the cake, sorry you had to sh , I can understand that, i have had the urge to do so also, but I would then have to explain it , since covering it up would stand out, and that would be another stressor for me, and right now its too stressful.
My t has me doing guided imagery or should i say downloading them for session, she says she will write her own also, they are really good, if you dont have anyone interupting you, they are usually 15 minutes long, and they do relax you, I have them on spotify, if you should be interested pm me and I will give you access to them, I have many to choose from.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by skies

It can be the unconscious stuff related to uncertainty, the unknown, and/or fears about loss of control that feed the emotional dysregulation....

Probably. I have felt so unsure about myself and my ability to handle life on my own.

Originally Posted by junkDNA

would this have anything to do with ur other posts about feeling like ur T doesnt care about you? maybe you are acting out and testing ur T by doing this to show urself that maybe she does care. no judgments. just a thought

It definitely has something to do with that. And my T is out of town this weekend. But I don't get even why I am feeling this. Why is it such a big deal that she's out of town??! And why do I feel like she doesn't care when I know she does??? I don't think I'm "testing" her, though. Because I am definitely NOT telling her about this. Maybe I don't feel worthy of her care? And that's why my impulse is to hurt myself? Although it didn't give me the relief I was wanting.

Originally Posted by sweepy62

hi hazelgirl, moving is considered a stressor, like getting a new job, death in family, and so forth, but subconciously something else is going on, and maybe the move was the icing on the cake, sorry you had to sh , I can understand that, i have had the urge to do so also, but I would then have to explain it , since covering it up would stand out, and that would be another stressor for me, and right now its too stressful.
My t has me doing guided imagery or should i say downloading them for session, she says she will write her own also, they are really good, if you dont have anyone interupting you, they are usually 15 minutes long, and they do relax you, I have them on spotify, if you should be interested pm me and I will give you access to them, I have many to choose from.

Thank you for the offer. I have several myself. It isn't really about not having coping mechanisms. I have a ton all around me. I chose not to use them. And I think that's what bothers me the most. Why didn't I want to use them? I agree that something else is going on, and moving was the tipping point.

[Ambra]

Hi HazelGirl, I relate, it is happening to me too. I've just got my own place too as you know and while I know it's for my own sake and I'm staring to adjust (and it will be healing for sure), crisis moments are very frequent.

Moving is a major stressor and it brings so many issues and feelings, even if you are absolutely sure you did the right thing. You will feel wayyy better in the long term, but adjustment is awkward.. this I learned from previous experiences and still, everytime it's a bit painful, no matter how prepared I am.. I don't use my own coping mechanisms sometimes too, even when I know I could/should. It's not that I deliberately want to hurt myself, but I feel banned from using them, sometimes it's just easier to adopt our old wrong mechanisms. It is more instincive, like a black out I think.

Sending you hugs!

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It definitely has something to do with that. And my T is out of town this weekend. But I don't get even why I am feeling this. Why is it such a big deal that she's out of town??! And why do I feel like she doesn't care when I know she does??? I don't think I'm "testing" her, though. Because I am definitely NOT telling her about this. Maybe I don't feel worthy of her care? And that's why my impulse is to hurt myself? Although it didn't give me the relief I oint.

I don't know about you, but when I'm stressed, worried, or scared, i need and want comforted by my therapist. And when he can't give me that, I either get angry with him or at myself. At times, it can be too threatening to be angry with the one I'm attached too....any and all of which can lead to moments of self-hate or self-destructiveness. The latter when needing T but not having him is too overwhelming....

I was just wondering if you had reached out to your Therapist that you would have SH?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Ambra

Hi HazelGirl, I relate, it is happening to me too. I've just got my own place too as you know and while I know it's for my own sake and I'm staring to adjust (and it will be healing for sure), crisis moments are very frequent.

Moving is a major stressor and it brings so many issues and feelings, even if you are absolutely sure you did the right thing. You will feel wayyy better in the long term, but adjustment is awkward.. this I learned from previous experiences and still, everytime it's a bit painful, no matter how prepared I am.. I don't use my own coping mechanisms sometimes too, even when I know I could/should. It's not that I deliberately want to hurt myself, but I feel banned from using them, sometimes it's just easier to adopt our old wrong mechanisms. It is more instincive, like a black out I think.

Sending you hugs!

My T has told me the same thing, that it's a huge stressor and that it brings so many uncertainties with it. I am freaking out over everything and have been so needy lately. At least I'm not the only one who is reacting so strongly to moving.

Originally Posted by skies

I don't know about you, but when I'm stressed, worried, or scared, i need and want comforted by my therapist. And when he can't give me that, I either get angry with him or at myself. At times, it can be too threatening to be angry with the one I'm attached too....any and all of which can lead to moments of self-hate or self-destructiveness. The latter when needing T but not having him is too overwhelming....

But I shouldn't be angry at her. It's not like my appointment has been cancelled or anything. And she has been there for me many times. I have contacted her almost every day this whole month (sending a text or two), and I don't even really have anything to say. I just feel stressed by everything. And maybe that is what is causing these impulses?

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

I was just wondering if you had reached out to your Therapist that you would have SH?

No, I wouldn't have. But I don't want to contact her for every little thing. I already do that and I hate it. I don't want to become the client she hates because I am always texting her.

[Favorite Jeans]

What's it like when your feelings are super overwhelming? To me, you sound pretty overwhelmed. Just because this isn't the very worst you've ever felt doesn't mean it's somehow unimportant, not a crisis, no big deal.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

What's it like when your feelings are super overwhelming? To me, you sound pretty overwhelmed. Just because this isn't the very worst you've ever felt doesn't mean it's somehow unimportant, not a crisis, no big deal.

When my feelings are overwhelming and I can't handle them? Normally, when that's how I feel, I'm to the point that I would be curled up in bed for days intermittently having anxiety attacks and crying, forcing myself to eat so that I don't starve to death because I have no motivation or appetite.

I don't see this as a crisis because I have dealt with so much worse for so long. Relatively, this "isn't a big deal" and wouldn't register on my scale of miserable times in my life.

On top of all of this, my mom is in the hospital, I am having financial troubles, I have a lot going on at work, and I feel disappointed and stuck in life. I don't know how I am going to pay for my next semester of school, and I barely have any money in the bank.

I do have a lot going on. But I think I am dissociated and numb to enough of it that it's not affecting me.

[Favorite Jeans]

Um. But it IS affecting you. You're feeling terrible and have a lot going on. You're coping better than you have at your worst--which is excellent. But this is still a really hard time.

I'm belabouring this because I get you. I often think about how much worse things have been, could be, are for others etc. And even if all that is true, it doesn't take away from your current anxiety and unhappiness. It's okay to say, "I'm coping with a lot. I'm not doing great. I've been worse, yes, but this feels pretty bad." You can give yourself that validation--it's been stressful, you feel tired, you aren't doing so great-- instead of saying that you have no idea why you feel this way. That way you feel crappy and then you also feel crappy about feeling crappy. It's an unnecessary added burden, see?

Hugs if it helps!

HazelGirl - Do I SH or call my Therapist? What do you think your Therapist would want you to do no matter what? This is not a little thing. Think of how your therapist will feel about your choice provided you share what you did with her. These feelings are real, they're powerful, and confusing and leaves you in a tail spin, yet the only way I know out is to slosh through them. It ain't easy, and Your T, HazelGirl is wanting to be there with you. Why do it alone? Please know I am not trying to guilt you. I care about you and your journey.

Warm Embraces,

GTGT

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Um. But it IS affecting you. You're feeling terrible and have a lot going on. You're coping better than you have at your worst--which is excellent. But this is still a really hard time.

I'm belabouring this because I get you. I often think about how much worse things have been, could be, are for others etc. And even if all that is true, it doesn't take away from your current anxiety and unhappiness. It's okay to say, "I'm coping with a lot. I'm not doing great. I've been worse, yes, but this feels pretty bad." You can give yourself that validation--it's been stressful, you feel tired, you aren't doing so great-- instead of saying that you have no idea why you feel this way. That way you feel crappy and then you also feel crappy about feeling crappy. It's an unnecessary added burden, see?

Hugs if it helps!

I just want to be happy. I want to be doing well. This is supposed to be an exciting time for me, and I am supposed to be happy and feel confident and independent. And I don't. And I hate that I don't. I feel like a failure for not being totally content and okay. She's not available at the moment, anyway. I have an appointment on Tuesday and will tell her that I have felt really bad this week, but I have tried to remain positive previously. I don't know how she will react if I tell her I am not doing as well as I have claimed.

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

HazelGirl - Do I SH or call my Therapist? What do you think your Therapist would want you to do no matter what? This is not a little thing. Think of how your therapist will feel about your choice provided you share what you did with her. These feelings are real, they're powerful, and confusing and leaves you in a tail spin, yet the only way I know out is to slosh through them. It ain't easy, and Your T, HazelGirl is wanting to be there with you. Why do it alone? Please know I am not trying to guilt you. I care about you and your journey.

Warm Embraces,

GTGT

She's out of town and unreachable at the moment, so even if I had wanted to contact her, I can't. And I definitely won't tell her about the SH. It's not a habit of mine and was just an impulse. I didn't like it, and it didn't help me feel better. Ergo, not worth it. Messy and difficult to clean up, and it still hurts today. She definitely will not know because she doesn't need to. And I definitely don't want her to feel bad or disappointed in me. She has no reason to know.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

No, I wouldn't have. But I don't want to contact her for every little thing. I already do that and I hate it. I don't want to become the client she hates because I am always texting her.

im fairly certain ur T would put boundaries around texting if she found them annoying

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

im fairly certain ur T would put boundaries around texting if she found them annoying

I know. She has said so. But it doesn't change the fact that I would be annoyed if someone contacted me so often. (Reason number 5739 why I would make a terrible therapist.)

HazelGirl you have history of how your Therapist has responded to you in the past. She is away. And, I understand at this moment you do not trust her with what you have done. From your previous posts, and from having a wonderful Therapist like you, I KNOW there will be no anger, madness or shaming. I do sense she may be a little sad that you did not reach out to her. The questions you have to answer are for yourself, not for me or anyone else. I just encourage you to be honest with your Therapist. I am hoping you get some respite from all that is bouncing around in your head. Hang in there, it does get much better.

I have probably said to much, so I will stop here.

GTGT

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

HazelGirl you have history of how your Therapist has responded to you in the past. She is away. And, I understand at this moment you do not trust her with what you have done. From your previous posts, and from having a wonderful Therapist like you, I KNOW there will be no anger, madness or shaming. I do sense she may be a little sad that you did not reach out to her. The questions you have to answer are for yourself, not for me or anyone else. I just encourage you to be honest with your Therapist. I am hoping you get some respite from all that is bouncing around in your head. Hang in there, it does get much better.

I have probably said to much, so I will stop here.

GTGT

You haven't said too much. I appreciate your desire to help.

I just don't trust her with this. Not at this moment. Despite how she has responded in the past to my problems, I can only imagine her expressing shame, anger, disappointment, and rejection. I can't imagine anything good. I don't have that trust right now. And I am terrified that she could over react or do something drastic in response. She knows about the two times I did it in the past and how depressed I was at the time, and trying to find relief. I can't bear to tell her that it's happened again. I want to just ignore it and pretend it never did.

[HazelGirl]

What if she hates me already and is looking for an excuse to get rid of me? And what if I end up doing something that gives her that excuse? SH could cause her to abandon me because she feels like she isn't being effective. Or just my struggling, even if I didn't tell her about the SH, could cause her to do that. I don't care that she says she won't. I don't know that's true.