[clinpsycstudent]

Feeling so awful right now.... for some reason, I felt the sudden urges to e-mail/SMS ex-T... turns out she forwarded them all onto my psychiatrist, whom I had an appt with today. I am TERRIFIED, as she said that one more e-mail/message it would be reported to the proctor at the university - and the behaviour needs to stop.
I understand completely that now I truly am being disrespectful. I am not sure why I CAN'T stop - or feel the need to message her. Perhaps I just need some love and soothing, and I am not trying to disrespect her purposely...
I know I am not usually the type of person to do this - I feel my behaviour is out of my own control, though the psychiatrist said she didn't think I had any other disorder. We are looking for another T to help me through these feelings.
So I left feeling like a terrible person who has done many wrongs....

[smmath]

Why aren't you allowed to email?

I understand the compulsion and have been in somewhat similar circumstances.

How about writing an email but not sending it or messaging someone here whenever you want to email your ex-T?

[clinpsycstudent]

Originally Posted by smmath

Why aren't you allowed to email?

I understand the compulsion and have been in somewhat similar circumstances.

How about writing an email but not sending it or messaging someone here whenever you want to email your ex-T?

Thank you SO much.... I never actually thought of doing that. We had no boundaries initially so we messaged quite a lot, until I developed feelings for her and transference/counter-transference happened (on my previous posts) and when we terminated, I couldn't handle it not being talked about. I am not too sure what I wanted her to say, I just felt comfort from knowing she was there But it scared me SO much when they said that they would take disciplinary action - I am not trying to be harmful or hurtful - usually the things I message are funny things that happened in the day, or things I am proud of. I was shaking and cried when I left the office Psychiatrist said I am sensible enough to understand, and she is holding her word - that one more SMS or e-mail would get taken to the proctor.
I screwed up so bad this time... and I feel so hurt and sad.

[smmath]

What would the proctor do?

[CantExplain]

Did she really leap to defcon 3 in a single step?

My first T taught me a thing called "levels of muscle".
1. "I can't receive your emails any more. Our relationship is over. Sorry."
2. "I've asked you not to email me any more and I expect you to comply."

And only then go to level three:

3. "I made it clear I don't want you to email me. If you persist I shall initiate disciplinary action."
4. "Your disciplinary hearing is scheduled for the 14th. See you there!"

[clinpsycstudent]

Originally Posted by smmath

What would the proctor do?

I am not actually too sure what they can even do on campus? Some sort of disciplinary action?

[clinpsycstudent]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Did she really leap to defcon 3 in a single step?

My first T taught me a thing called "levels of muscle".
1. "I can't receive your emails any more. Our relationship is over. Sorry."
2. "I've asked you not to email me any more and I expect you to comply."

And only then go to level three:

3. "I made it clear I don't want you to email me. If you persist I shall initiate disciplinary action."
4. "Your disciplinary hearing is scheduled for the 14th. See you there!"

I wish someone taught me this! We perhaps got to level 2 - but then that's when I already felt I needed to contact her. It was hardly talked about, so I constantly felt the need to message her .... especially because that was how our relationship began, and it wasn't an issue. I think I didn't have a firm understanding of boundaries - and I feel terrible for that I just wished someone helped me before things got so out of hand - I know it's my fault

[SabinaS]

What do the emails consist of? Are you just trying to remain in contact? As long as they aren't threatening or explicit...

I feel really angry on your behalf - therapist's are supposed to be able to deal with this kind of stuff, in fact, it's pretty standard across the board. Instead, you developed feelings for her (normal), she experienced counter-transference feelings and perhaps felt she was unable to maintain boundaries (not a sign of a great T)?? You get terminated and all of a sudden aren't allowed to contact her or speak to someone else who is able to help you. In fact you get threatened with retaliation, that is total bulls***!

I'm sorry you're being treated this way. Can you find a decent therapist, who can help you through it?

[AllyIsHopeful]

I'm sorry this happened. I know you have been struggling with this. I sort of feel like there are transference issues for both you and your T. I don't even want to say she is experiencing countertransference because I do not believe it is your specific transference that is triggering hers. I think it is her own stuff because her reaction was so over-the-top.

Is it possible it possible that she represents more than the role of your ex-T? Perhaps she represents a time, feeling, or person for you? I only ask because it didn't seem she was very loving about a lot of things but it is still hard for you to let go of her. Could it be a repeat of something you experienced with your Mother or a caretaker, of needing security, comfort, and nurturing but having to fight for it or not getting it at all? I'm just wondering if it is a pattern from an earlier experience...Especially since you said this is out of your character. So obviously she specifically symbolizes something bigger.

It's worth taking a look at.

[elliemay]

Well, right or wrong on their part, you are where you are right now, and it's okay. We used to joke when I was in graduate school that if you don't get at least one threat of disciplinary action then you were doing it wrong.

Also, if one of our actions resulted in a new policy being implemented then we got to graduate one year sooner!

I think schools make this crap up as they go along really.

Bottom line I think? Please try not to be so hard on yourself. You made a mistake during a stressful time. As of right now there are no consequences to that mistake (A threat is not an action) and you'll be okay.

It's pretty clear that you need some help and some soothing, so now is a great time to find better ways in which to get those needs satisfied and to go into problem solving mode.

Journaling, finding a therapist not affiliated with your institution, identifying way to soothe yourself etc...

Bottom line. What happened is okay. What happens from here on out is your chance to help yourself to move into a better place emotionally.

[A Red Panda]

So... I'm playing devil's advocate here, because I think I can see it a bit from your T's point of view and I think that would be helpful to think about.

It sounds like your T has taken those 4 steps that someone posted above. You were terminated, and you've continued to email and essentially harrass your T. Even though what you're sending is harmless, it's been made clear to you that it's unwanted and you have ignored the requests to stop. This does make it harassment of a sorts - I think there is a more appropriate word but I'm not sure of what it is right now, so I'm sorry on that one! Your T has a right to not be consistently given unwanted attention, and they have terminated the relationship with you. It might absolutely suck and they're not being very emphathetic... but now that it's terminated, they have a right to be left in peace. You're violating that.

This latest encounter would be that step 3 of the process: your T has now made it clear that the next step is to involve the proctor.

As someone else suggested... try writing fake emails. Start a word document or something and write everything you'd want to say in there. If you still have your T's number in your cell phone - delete it. If you happen to not have your T's email memorized, delete it. Make it as hard as you can to contact your exT, and find other outlets to post the things you find funny or are proud of. For example.. why not make a Twitter account? It's great for just posting short and little things. You can even get it onto your cell phone so that you can post to Twitter instead of texting someone who doesn't want to hear it.

Sounds like in essence, your x-T gave you a cease and desist order and considers your continued efforts to contact her harrassment. Right or wrong on her point, you really need to cease and desist because administration of the school is going to back her up. She's documenting what is going on and appears quite serious about taking the appropriate steps to enforce her requests. This at this point is a case of a person telling you "no", and honestly, you MUST hear that and respect that or there probably will be repurcussions.

Clearly, you need to find a therapist on your own, outside of the university. You also need to see your pdoc regularly. You need to take steps for your own care completely removed from the x-T and university.

[feralkittymom]

Not only do I agree with Panda and Chris, but you're training to be a T. This is a vital lesson you need to respect, and perhaps your former T is trying to make that point.

I can also say that Universities have become much more proactive about harassment because of incidents of campus violence. Just because you know yourself to be harmless, does not excuse you from the policies.

[Lauliza]

What you did isn't the end of the world and is a good learning experience. Try not to beat yourself up over what happened but do take sincere steps toward putting an end to it. An off campus therapist and possibly a psychiatrist would probably be helpful to you. I think the fact that you're training in psychology makes it even more important that you take care of yourself and have your impulses in check.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by clinpsycstudent

Feeling so awful right now.... for some reason, I felt the sudden urges to e-mail/SMS ex-T... turns out she forwarded them all onto my psychiatrist, whom I had an appt with today. I am TERRIFIED, as she said that one more e-mail/message it would be reported to the proctor at the university - and the behaviour needs to stop.
I understand completely that now I truly am being disrespectful. I am not sure why I CAN'T stop - or feel the need to message her. Perhaps I just need some love and soothing, and I am not trying to disrespect her purposely...
I know I am not usually the type of person to do this - I feel my behaviour is out of my own control, though the psychiatrist said she didn't think I had any other disorder. We are looking for another T to help me through these feelings.
So I left feeling like a terrible person who has done many wrongs....

Getting a new therapist is probably a good idea. I mean I can see why that wouldn't be appropriate if you aren't seeing a certain therapist anymore and aren't their client/patient then they aren't really under obligation to offer services and its probably against policy for them to continue providing services to a client they aren't seeing anymore.

I don't think it makes you a terrible person who has done many wrongs...hell I have annoyed family members by not dropping stuff or going on about something when I should let it go....doesn't mean I am a bad person just don't always handle things appropriately. But I know the feeling of like 'needing' to do something like you just have to send that last text, email...whatever even though you know you shouldn't and should probably leave them alone.

[elliemay]

The key I think is you need to be working very hard to solve this problem. Beating yourself up now will do you no good and likely make things worse for you.

It happened. Try to focus on HOW you are going to fix it for yourself and not let it happen again. It doesn't mean that you won't be a good therapist. In fact, this is why therapist enter therapy to ensure these issues come to light before you start to practice.

Given my interactions with most professions, therapy should be MANDATED for most - not just those who want to be therapists.

However, the university has made it clear what will happen if this continues.

What has happened is water under the bridge. What WILL happen now is up to you.

[Restin]

Transference is a most painful experience, and I believe that this is what's driving you. If at all possible, you might see if you can talk to someone who is welcoming and modern about treating transference. I know it's almost impossible to think of seeing someone else, because only that one person will do, but just find a T to talk to without saying you're getting a new therapist. I think you need help with attachment issues instead of being brushed aside by the very professionals you need to understand and welcome you.

[msxyz]

I think if you are able to find a new therapist not associated with that institution it will be much easier for you to not contact your former therapist anymore.

[clinpsycstudent]

Thank you all so much for your replies - I appreciate it SO much, and it has been helpful for me to see this through a fresh pair of eyes (so to speak!)
These are some well-thought comments. I think that I am MOST afraid of is that it has been documented - and everyone will know I have made a mistake I was so terrified. I feel that she didn't make it easier for me not implementing boundaries in the very first place, visiting me in hospital and texting me - when now all this is inappropriate. I think I got very confused - and I expected her to keep acting this way towards me... to continue giving me the attention.
It is interesting - as the one thing I was struggling with in therapy was letting go of my 'self-sacrifice' schema and open up more to people about my own issues. I feel scared again now, afraid I will hurt someone or go too far - like I did with her

But I am trying my best and I am seeing a Psychotherapist next week. That definitely freaked me out - and I havent had the urge to message her. Then again, my new T offered that I call or email her if I need her... that wont be happening, I dont want to become dependent again I am afraid I wont allow myself to again become close to someone?

[clinpsycstudent]

I have also deleted her number, e-mail, tore up her business card... I cant get in contact with her as easily now. I am making progress She actually doesnt even work on campus, she works in private practice. My psychiatrist knows her only because she used to work here. I didn't know she was forwarding all my emails on to the Psychiatrist either - so I think I was initially shocked!

[JustShakey]

I don't believe you can truly understand something unless you've lived it. This experience is going to be invaluable to you as a T. I know it's hard to see anything positive in being written up, but it's just proof that you're human. Don't be ashamed of being human, everyone makes mistakes (hoo, boy do I know about this one...). It's a pretty lousy T who'd try to pretend she's perfect;-)

transference is a miserable mother******* w****.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by clinpsycstudent

. Then again, my new T offered that I call or email her if I need her... that wont be happening, I dont want to become dependent again I am afraid I wont allow myself to again become close to someone?

Try not to over blow this situation. Of course you will become close with someone again, but this time it will be respectful of their boundaries (and yours) and you can learn and heal from this.

Again, and I know they are different situations, but not really, but just about everyone in graduate school makes mistakes. People are going to talk about you no matter what you do.

You are always being evaluated for something. It's just part of it.

However, if this behavior is corrected you can learn from it, and in no time, no one will care at all.

All you have to do is wait for the next person to screw up, and then the attention will be on them.

Do well, learn, heal, keep your nose clean and this will be a distant memory in the not to distant future.

It's what I've lived through and what I advise my students when they do a humdinger! (not that this was, but you get my drift).

[clinpsycstudent]

Thank you so much.... that is so very true indeed! I tend to want to do things "perfectly" - and I function like a robot at times! Usually I am very good at keeping boundaries and I haven't had trouble with it... only with my own, and I have let people walk over me.

I have to understand it is the mistakes we learn from - and so true, it will be so valuable to me as a therapist myself. Tranference can be a very powerful process - hence I hope that it will help me to empathize with my clients and truly know how difficult things can be at times.

You have all made me feel so much better - I have been able to practice mindfulness, analyze my behaviour (and even come out to a few people - as they couldn't understand the situation until I told them "I had a crush on her" - per say. I have been able to open up more to others, and tell them how I am feeling.
So - there have been positives in the journey!

[ruiner]

You should definitely check out the "Dear T" thread whenever you feel the urge to email. If you haven't already of course, I'm not sure! But it helps a lot.

[likelife]

Isn't it a breach of confidentiality for your T to forward your emails to your pdoc? You said your T used to work on campus, but doesn't anymore.

I understand that your T was/is trying to set a hard boundary, but it doesn't seem very appropriate to get your graduate program involved without having your permission to speak with them.