[HazelGirl]

***TRIGGER: self harm and brief mentions of physical child abuse***

Probably one of the hardest and most emotional appointments I've had. We talked about the SH (of course), and talked a little about why I felt like I needed to. I told her some of the horrible things I was thinking and feeling, and I told her about how much I was afraid to say anything about it to her because I was scared she would be angry or frustrated or want to give up. She said that would be cruel to do and she wouldn't do something like that.

I could barely talk for the first 20 minutes of the appointment and she asked if I wanted to talk about it and if talking about it made me feel too flooded. I managed to get out that I didn't think it should be ignored. Which was the closest I could come to saying "yes, we need to talk about it". I also talked about my fear that she would punish me in some way by taking away the things that matter to me, and we talked about how that is rooted in my memories, along with the reason the cutting didn't accomplish what I wanted was because it wasn't the right type of pain. It didn't feel like the pain I wanted to feel, and so it didn't "work". And she told me that's because my past abuse came in different types of pain, so the cutting wouldn't end up matching with my memories, which is why it didn't satisfy my desire to punish and harm myself.

We also talked about how I have a protector part of me (also called an introject) that did most of the self-hating. And that it was created by me to protect me from the abuse, but that it also absorbed the voices of my parents and it is why I am so harsh to myself. She wants me to take in her words and opinion of me to replace that voice. I didn't tell her this, but that idea terrified me for reasons I don't really understand.

I sort of floated in and out of dissociation and was only half-there at some points especially near the beginning of the appointment, where some of her questions triggered me badly. I sort of went mute, and that's when she asked the question about me wanting to talk or being too flooded. At one point, I became aware of the fact that I had tear streaks down my face and I don't remember what I was crying about. So although it wasn't full-out sobbing, I guess I can say I have allowed myself to let her see me cry, even if I don't remember why.

It was an important appointment to have, but I feel so emotionally drained now. I have to make dinner and clean my kitchen, but I'm exhausted.

Bravissimo, HazelGirl!

[HazelGirl]

I think the part that was most impactful to me was when she said that my actions told her that something was wrong, and that she was sad for me, and not angry. I think that was a really important thing for me to hear.

[growlycat]

Yeah, those kinds of sessions are important, but draining.

[sweepy62]

That was a meaningful session , it's very positive that you show emotion in front of your t.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[HazelGirl]

I sent my T a text this evening saying some of the things I couldn't say at the appointment. That's one of the things she has said I can do if there are things I can't bring up when I'm there talking to her.

I told her about how flooded I was during the beginning and that I was unable to say that to her because I felt paralyzed and overwhelmed. I told her about how I wasn't just afraid she would be angry, I was afraid she absolutely hated me and that I had decided I wasn't going to my appointment if she didn't respond to my text because it was evidence in my mind that she hated me. I told her about how her going out of town made me not want to contact her when I was struggling on Friday, but I didn't say that because I didn't want her to feel bad. And I told her about how the idea of taking in her words terrified me. So basically, I covered everything I couldn't say at the appointment.

And I actually feel really okay right now. I'm not sure if it's because I feel a little numb and super exhausted, but at the moment, I feel better than I have in a week or more.

The truth will set you free...and help you to heal. Therapist can only work with what you give them. You are a brave soul!

[Raging Quiet]

Wow, it sounds a powerful session for you both

[someone321]

It seems like a very meaningful and important session - good job! I'm also glad that you already feel better now.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

We also talked about how I have a protector part of me (also called an introject) that did most of the self-hating. And that it was created by me to protect me from the abuse, but that it also absorbed the voices of my parents and it is why I am so harsh to myself. She wants me to take in her words and opinion of me to replace that voice. I didn't tell her this, but that idea terrified me for reasons I don't really understand.

Actually I am not surprised that it terrifies you. I've also "developed" a protecting part from the abuse and my T quite often says that it is great and that she really likes this part () as in her opinion it saved my life. But when your T asks you to replace this part's talking by her own words it might be takes as minimizing the role of this part, like it was needed then but not needed now so you can replace this part by something else... But it means that if you do that, you'll lose your protecting part! Who will protect you then if needed? What if your T wants to make you more vulnerable so that she could hurt you more? Etc. etc. these are at least thoughts given by my "protector", which of course I know how stupid they are but the protecting part prefers being very, very careful...

[Aloneandafraid]

Well done HG. This sounds like a very important session. I am sure you will feel drained but you should also feel immensely proud of yourself. And believe in the relationship your T has invested between you.

I am pleased you are able to send a follow up text - this sounds really productive and has enabled you to cover everything that came up in session. Why don't more T's have the coping mechanisms yours obviously understands are positive and enable clients to be really heard when sometimes we can't find our voice in session.

Well done. Xx

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by someone321

Actually I am not surprised that it terrifies you. I've also "developed" a protecting part from the abuse and my T quite often says that it is great and that she really likes this part () as in her opinion it saved my life. But when your T asks you to replace this part's talking by her own words it might be takes as minimizing the role of this part, like it was needed then but not needed now so you can replace this part by something else... But it means that if you do that, you'll lose your protecting part! Who will protect you then if needed? What if your T wants to make you more vulnerable so that she could hurt you more? Etc. etc. these are at least thoughts given by my "protector", which of course I know how stupid they are but the protecting part prefers being very, very careful...

Hmm...a lot of those thoughts are very familiar to me. (And actually, even just thinking about it right now makes me really anxious.) I have felt like my protector part wanted to hurt me or destroy me, not that it had what was best for me in it's goals. But maybe, like you said, the idea of getting rid of the protector part is so anxiety-producing because I won't have anything to protect me anymore, even if what I do currently have is dysfunctional. Bad armor is better than no armor. Also, it will mean I am less guarded against not just my T, but also other people whom I may not be able to trust as much.

Wow...this is causing an anxiety attack. I need to stop here. If you have any more thoughts, I am definitely interested.

[someone321]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Hmm...a lot of those thoughts are very familiar to me. (And actually, even just thinking about it right now makes me really anxious.) I have felt like my protector part wanted to hurt me or destroy me, not that it had what was best for me in it's goals. But maybe, like you said, the idea of getting rid of the protector part is so anxiety-producing because I won't have anything to protect me anymore, even if what I do currently have is dysfunctional. Bad armor is better than no armor. Also, it will mean I am less guarded against not just my T, but also other people whom I may not be able to trust as much.

Wow...this is causing an anxiety attack. I need to stop here. If you have any more thoughts, I am definitely interested.

Ooops, it was not my intention to cause your anxiety attack - I'm sorry for that

So maybe I won't explore the topic more, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this and I can totally relate with "even just thinking about it right now makes me really anxious"...

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by someone321

Ooops, it was not my intention to cause your anxiety attack - I'm sorry for that

So maybe I won't explore the topic more, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this and I can totally relate with "even just thinking about it right now makes me really anxious"...

Oh, the anxiety attack is okay. I have them enough that I am used to them. It doesn't bother me too badly.

[someone321]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Hmm...a lot of those thoughts are very familiar to me. (And actually, even just thinking about it right now makes me really anxious.) I have felt like my protector part wanted to hurt me or destroy me, not that it had what was best for me in it's goals. But maybe, like you said, the idea of getting rid of the protector part is so anxiety-producing because I won't have anything to protect me anymore, even if what I do currently have is dysfunctional. Bad armor is better than no armor. Also, it will mean I am less guarded against not just my T, but also other people whom I may not be able to trust as much.

Wow...this is causing an anxiety attack. I need to stop here. If you have any more thoughts, I am definitely interested.

TRIGGER concerning not specified type of abuse

All this what i write below is based on me so please do not feel offended if I write something totally wrong - I guess we all are very different and there is no common true for all of us... And all this below is just my thinking - not Ts etc. so it might be really wrong

I am not so sure if the protector part wants to destroy you, this part was developed to protect you when you were in the extreme situation, you know like eating raw meet in a jungle if you had no choice - in "normal" life, I don't eat raw meat - it's disgusting but if there was no choice I guess, I would try... So the protector was developed in this extreme situation and he/she/it has quickly learned what to do to keep you as safe as possible, like: be the best - so maybe they won't get angry, don't do this, don't do that, don't provoke, don't be stupid - so you'll survive, don't make mistakes - you will pay for them, don't cry - it makes them more angry, don't show your weakness, they will use your weak points against you, don't smile - they don't like it etc. etc... Thus, the protector was warning you what you should/shouldn't do in order to survive... And it gave you (me - when I write you, I guess I mean me and "hope" that I can extrapolate it to you) the control, this needed control which makes us feeling safe, like: if I don't do this, they won't punish me because of that - ha! I have the choice! I can do this (and get punished) but I also might not do this (and probably also get punished but not because of that)...

So that's how I see my protector part... But years went by, the physical danger is not here anymore, so we'd like to eliminate the protector from our life... Because protector still wants to control - just in case: don't do that, don't be stupid, don't be weak - you never know when and from which side the attack will come... And when you want to "just" replace it by more positive thinking, there is this big "NO WAY", if you lose me (the protector) you'll be vulnerable and someone can hurt you even more then they did... What will you do then? Who will defend you? Your T? Your T is not 24h per day with you and I am... So it gives you all this negative thinking which might look like wanting to destroy you but it is the only way the protector knows... But now you are adult, you have also other resources to use to keep yourself safe, so you could try to negotiate with your protector - and this last sentence is what my T says, to get to know the protector, to acknowledge that was needed but to negotiate up to which degree and when is still needed...

Someone (I guess blur?) has posted a cool link where I've found a virtual interview which you could do with "the protector" and other parts of yourself. I thought that it is a crap, because I don't believe in any part as I am only one - I (yeah, sure) but then I thought, why not try? In the worst case it's just a bu***hit but maybe it somehow can work... And in my case actually I learned something more about me and my different parts - if you'd like to I can look for the link but I have to warn you, that it made me really anxious and reading my answers afterwards was almost impossible (or actually it was impossible, I wrote them down and sent to my T before I could have changed my mind - never read them since then but still remember what was there)...

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by someone321

TRIGGER concerning not specified type of abuse

All this what i write below is based on me so please do not feel offended if I write something totally wrong - I guess we all are very different and there is no common true for all of us... And all this below is just my thinking - not Ts etc. so it might be really wrong

I am not so sure if the protector part wants to destroy you, this part was developed to protect you when you were in the extreme situation, you know like eating raw meet in a jungle if you had no choice - in "normal" life, I don't eat raw meat - it's disgusting but if there was no choice I guess, I would try... So the protector was developed in this extreme situation and he/she/it has quickly learned what to do to keep you as safe as possible, like: be the best - so maybe they won't get angry, don't do this, don't do that, don't provoke, don't be stupid - so you'll survive, don't make mistakes - you will pay for them, don't cry - it makes them more angry, don't show your weakness, they will use your weak points against you, don't smile - they don't like it etc. etc... Thus, the protector was warning you what you should/shouldn't do in order to survive... And it gave you (me - when I write you, I guess I mean me and "hope" that I can extrapolate it to you) the control, this needed control which makes us feeling safe, like: if I don't do this, they won't punish me because of that - ha! I have the choice! I can do this (and get punished) but I also might not do this (and probably also get punished but not because of that)...

Thank you for this explanation. I do feel like it may have started as a warning, but it definitely feels like hate now. Maybe it's trying to warn me about how terrible I am, to protect me from what I feel like others will do to me? Or maybe it's lying to me in order to keep me away from people who could be potentially dangerous? But I think it's the same voice that fuels my suicidal thoughts and my desire to harm myself.

Originally Posted by someone321

So that's how I see my protector part... But years went by, the physical danger is not here anymore, so we'd like to eliminate the protector from our life... Because protector still wants to control - just in case: don't do that, don't be stupid, don't be weak - you never know when and from which side the attack will come... And when you want to "just" replace it by more positive thinking, there is this big "NO WAY", if you lose me (the protector) you'll be vulnerable and someone can hurt you even more then they did... What will you do then? Who will defend you? Your T? Your T is not 24h per day with you and I am... So it gives you all this negative thinking which might look like wanting to destroy you but it is the only way the protector knows... But now you are adult, you have also other resources to use to keep yourself safe, so you could try to negotiate with your protector - and this last sentence is what my T says, to get to know the protector, to acknowledge that was needed but to negotiate up to which degree and when is still needed...

Can you explain what you mean by negotiate with it? I would love to know more about that.

Originally Posted by someone321

Someone (I guess blur?) has posted a cool link where I've found a virtual interview which you could do with "the protector" and other parts of yourself. I thought that it is a crap, because I don't believe in any part as I am only one - I (yeah, sure) but then I thought, why not try? In the worst case it's just a bu***hit but maybe it somehow can work... And in my case actually I learned something more about me and my different parts - if you'd like to I can look for the link but I have to warn you, that it made me really anxious and reading my answers afterwards was almost impossible (or actually it was impossible, I wrote them down and sent to my T before I could have changed my mind - never read them since then but still remember what was there)...

I am definitely interested in that link if you can find it. But don't feel like you have to go through too much trouble.

Thank you for this information!

[someone321]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Thank you for this explanation. I do feel like it may have started as a warning, but it definitely feels like hate now. Maybe it's trying to warn me about how terrible I am, to protect me from what I feel like others will do to me? Or maybe it's lying to me in order to keep me away from people who could be potentially dangerous? But I think it's the same voice that fuels my suicidal thoughts and my desire to harm myself.

It is still surprising me that I am not the only one! (yeah, I wish I was special, huh? ) Yes, I think I know what you mean it is definitely not a warning anymore, it's even more scary (for me) than all flashbacks, because it is not about the past anymore, it is about "the future" which I hear or see whenever I close my eyes but which I definitely do not want... I call it "pure O", as I do not plan to act on it anyhow but these voices and images are pretty ugly and for sure they really hate me more than I could imagine... I'll try to explain my theory for it without triggering too much by going into details, so let's see:
Voices like "you stupid idiot, you should SH/SUI, you deserve the worst", and much worse of course, often (not always) starts with this "stupid idiot, just xx yourself", but why am I a stupid idiot? Because I did/didn't do something, something very, very terrible (e.g. was 5 min late for the meeting) so I deserve the worst because how could I've done something so bad... So these voices are really linked to the past - no, in my case no one has ever punished me for being late but I wanted to be faultless, the best, no mistakes - I somehow imagined that then I'd be safe, I felt that I had the control, if I didn't have it on anyone else, at least I had it on myself... So any my mistake was unforgivable, it meant that I couldn't have controlled even myself so how could I control others? I was weak, stupid and deserved everything what was bad... And this thinking just escalated and now I even do not have to do anything wrong, negative thinking happens also when I am happy - I should not be happy, should not smile, showing emotions is bad etc. So in my case it started as a warning, like: do not do that, they'll find the weak point and use it against you, but as it is not possible to live without any mistakes especially when expectations are so high, it's "better" to punish yourself just in case, to remember not to do that again in the future or maybe it is because being punished by myself is still better than by others as I can at least pretend that I do have at least a little bit of the control?
So I think that this is how the protector works - it doesn't protect anymore because there is no need but the protector doesn't know about it, and sets very strict rules just in case and punishes before anything bad can happen because it is the only way it knows (in my case, i developed it as a kid so no surprise that the protector is not extremely smart/experienced)
Hmmm... I'm not sure if it explained anything or is just even more confusing now

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Can you explain what you mean by negotiate with it? I would love to know more about that.

My T says that the whole trauma work is about negotiating and this is what we'll do the whole time - both negotiations between T and me and also between me and me (i.e. different parts of me). Like I cannot wake up once and say: okay, protector doesn't exist anymore, from today I replace it by a positive self-talking... Not really, I have to be aware that it is there and that I can negotiate new rules with it. for instance, I hate the word "protector" because it is not the protector - it is "me" so I do not use it with my T but we agreed to call it "one part of me which..." and step by step I accept talking what this part wants/thinks (even when I think that it is stupid because there is just me). When I started being able to express why this part is there, from what it protects me etc. I could've learned what could happen if it stops protecting me - I know that the answer is really weird and not realistic but it was still the answer... And I think the next step in my trauma therapy will be to "communicate" between different parts to understand that now I have more resources I can react differently but it was good what I did in the past because it was the best possible option then...

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I am definitely interested in that link if you can find it. But don't feel like you have to go through too much trouble.

Thank you for this information!

Yes, I've found it: How to safely "interview" a personality subself
Here is also the guideline for this exercise and the whole course (of course I didn't go step by step as I am not extremely patient but maybe you are :P) : Study guide: how to identify and reduce psychological wounds

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by someone321

It is still surprising me that I am not the only one! (yeah, I wish I was special, huh? ) Yes, I think I know what you mean it is definitely not a warning anymore, it's even more scary (for me) than all flashbacks, because it is not about the past anymore, it is about "the future" which I hear or see whenever I close my eyes but which I definitely do not want... I call it "pure O", as I do not plan to act on it anyhow but these voices and images are pretty ugly and for sure they really hate me more than I could imagine... I'll try to explain my theory for it without triggering too much by going into details, so let's see:
Voices like "you stupid idiot, you should SH/SUI, you deserve the worst", and much worse of course, often (not always) starts with this "stupid idiot, just xx yourself", but why am I a stupid idiot? Because I did/didn't do something, something very, very terrible (e.g. was 5 min late for the meeting) so I deserve the worst because how could I've done something so bad... So these voices are really linked to the past - no, in my case no one has ever punished me for being late but I wanted to be faultless, the best, no mistakes - I somehow imagined that then I'd be safe, I felt that I had the control, if I didn't have it on anyone else, at least I had it on myself... So any my mistake was unforgivable, it meant that I couldn't have controlled even myself so how could I control others? I was weak, stupid and deserved everything what was bad... And this thinking just escalated and now I even do not have to do anything wrong, negative thinking happens also when I am happy - I should not be happy, should not smile, showing emotions is bad etc. So in my case it started as a warning, like: do not do that, they'll find the weak point and use it against you, but as it is not possible to live without any mistakes especially when expectations are so high, it's "better" to punish yourself just in case, to remember not to do that again in the future or maybe it is because being punished by myself is still better than by others as I can at least pretend that I do have at least a little bit of the control?
So I think that this is how the protector works - it doesn't protect anymore because there is no need but the protector doesn't know about it, and sets very strict rules just in case and punishes before anything bad can happen because it is the only way it knows (in my case, i developed it as a kid so no surprise that the protector is not extremely smart/experienced)
Hmmm... I'm not sure if it explained anything or is just even more confusing now

I relate to this so much. It ends up growing to be a monster who micromanages every small piece of my life, bringing up every little thing I have ever done wrong or might ever do wrong, and uses it as evidence of how bad I am, how hated I am by everyone, and how worthless I really am. Because if I'm not perfect, then I am horrible. It is also what makes it really hard to talk to anyone about my faults and problems, because it tells me how bad they will think of me, and how much I need to just hide if anything is wrong.

Originally Posted by someone321

My T says that the whole trauma work is about negotiating and this is what we'll do the whole time - both negotiations between T and me and also between me and me (i.e. different parts of me). Like I cannot wake up once and say: okay, protector doesn't exist anymore, from today I replace it by a positive self-talking... Not really, I have to be aware that it is there and that I can negotiate new rules with it. for instance, I hate the word "protector" because it is not the protector - it is "me" so I do not use it with my T but we agreed to call it "one part of me which..." and step by step I accept talking what this part wants/thinks (even when I think that it is stupid because there is just me). When I started being able to express why this part is there, from what it protects me etc. I could've learned what could happen if it stops protecting me - I know that the answer is really weird and not realistic but it was still the answer... And I think the next step in my trauma therapy will be to "communicate" between different parts to understand that now I have more resources I can react differently but it was good what I did in the past because it was the best possible option then...

I think my protector argues a lot with my inner realist (I don't know if that actually exists, but I feel like it does), who tries to see things sensibly. And it ends up not being a negotiation, but a fight for dominance. The protector is louder and tougher, and wins more than the realist. But sometimes, the realist wins. Neither of them allow any emotion or emotional reactions to things, and either are super logical or super withdrawn. I think whatever else inside of me is just starting to come out, and I have no idea what anything else looks like yet. I have spent so much time living only out of those two. I hope I'm making sense, because if not, then I'm just crazy, haha.

Originally Posted by someone321

Yes, I've found it: How to safely "interview" a personality subself
Here is also the guideline for this exercise and the whole course (of course I didn't go step by step as I am not extremely patient but maybe you are :P) : Study guide: how to identify and reduce psychological wounds

Thank you!!!

[someone321]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I relate to this so much. It ends up growing to be a monster who micromanages every small piece of my life, bringing up every little thing I have ever done wrong or might ever do wrong, and uses it as evidence of how bad I am, how hated I am by everyone, and how worthless I really am. Because if I'm not perfect, then I am horrible. It is also what makes it really hard to talk to anyone about my faults and problems, because it tells me how bad they will think of me, and how much I need to just hide if anything is wrong.

yes, I have the same, somehow I think that it is a pity that I remember every single detail from my life, every single failure... But I started just accepting it, like: yes, I know, part of me thinks that I am the worst person in the world but I right now I cannot do anything to change it so I have to simply live with it and have a hope that one day I'll convince this one part that I am not so extremely bad... And I use small steps method - set many but very simple and easy goals and be happy from achieving any of them but also learning to accept that I cannot reach all of them as fast as I'd like to...

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I think my protector argues a lot with my inner realist (I don't know if that actually exists, but I feel like it does), who tries to see things sensibly. And it ends up not being a negotiation, but a fight for dominance. The protector is louder and tougher, and wins more than the realist. But sometimes, the realist wins. Neither of them allow any emotion or emotional reactions to things, and either are super logical or super withdrawn. I think whatever else inside of me is just starting to come out, and I have no idea what anything else looks like yet. I have spent so much time living only out of those two. I hope I'm making sense, because if not, then I'm just crazy, haha.

I'm sorry that your protector is still dominating, I was in this phase for years, and I agree - there is no space for negotiations, protector wants to be the boss and not to share the control with anyone else... In my case the realist how you call it (I call it regulator, as it is this one which calms me down and tells the protector to shut up ) is now more often in charge... And then I can negotiate... But how to get to this stage when protector is in charge? Tough question, I only know how it worked for me... But are you able to calm down immediately if needed? E.g. You "want to" have a bad panic attack but because people are around you can stoo it completely? That's what I learned first I think... And then with the same method to stop protector immediately and then Start negotiations...

Please take into account that in Europe it is late now so I might not respond in this thread tonight... Take care

[Chartres]

I'm so grateful to have found this site and to read this thread because so much of what is written here reflects what goes on (secretly) in my mind. I'm struck by the comment about SI not being effective because it doesnt address the type of hurt that needs to be felt. I can see that being true for me and I think knowing this could help me prevent SI. Also the relationship between the "protector" and wanting to destroy myself. It was not safe to tAlk about the abuse before and now that I am there is a part of me that wants to punish myself. In a twisted way it is trying to keep me safe. It is nice to know that I am not the only one who is facing this.

[Chartres]

Also, HazelGirl, you are brave for talking to your T about SI. I understand the fear of T getting angry and im glad that didn't happen for you.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by someone321

yes, I have the same, somehow I think that it is a pity that I remember every single detail from my life, every single failure... But I started just accepting it, like: yes, I know, part of me thinks that I am the worst person in the world but I right now I cannot do anything to change it so I have to simply live with it and have a hope that one day I'll convince this one part that I am not so extremely bad... And I use small steps method - set many but very simple and easy goals and be happy from achieving any of them but also learning to accept that I cannot reach all of them as fast as I'd like to...

I don't know quite how to do that. I think my T and I are going to start working more on this, but I haven't been able to talk about it previously. It would cause me to totally shut down and actually twist my T's words around to where I felt like she felt just as bad about me as I did. She has been very careful since the one appointment where that happened. It's extremely triggering for me to try to talk about the negative thoughts.

Originally Posted by someone321

I'm sorry that your protector is still dominating, I was in this phase for years, and I agree - there is no space for negotiations, protector wants to be the boss and not to share the control with anyone else... In my case the realist how you call it (I call it regulator, as it is this one which calms me down and tells the protector to shut up ) is now more often in charge... And then I can negotiate... But how to get to this stage when protector is in charge? Tough question, I only know how it worked for me... But are you able to calm down immediately if needed? E.g. You "want to" have a bad panic attack but because people are around you can stoo it completely? That's what I learned first I think... And then with the same method to stop protector immediately and then Start negotiations...

I don't really think the realist is quite the same as a regulator for me. My protector is the one who shames me into not showing when something is wrong. So my realist doesn't really need to "regulate" anything. It more just tries to use logic and problem-solving to avoid trouble, solve problems, and keep me from getting hurt. For example, if someone is angry at me, the realist steps in and tries to find a way to make them not angry. Or if I do something that might end up embarrassing me, the realist will fix it before anyone notices.They fight when the problem-solving realist wants to find logical solutions to a problem and the protector wants to tell me all the ways it's all my fault and I won't ever be any better. And like I said, the protector wins most of those.

Originally Posted by someone321

Please take into account that in Europe it is late now so I might not respond in this thread tonight... Take care

Hope you sleep well!

Originally Posted by Chartres

I'm so grateful to have found this site and to read this thread because so much of what is written here reflects what goes on (secretly) in my mind. I'm struck by the comment about SI not being effective because it doesnt address the type of hurt that needs to be felt. I can see that being true for me and I think knowing this could help me prevent SI. Also the relationship between the "protector" and wanting to destroy myself. It was not safe to tAlk about the abuse before and now that I am there is a part of me that wants to punish myself. In a twisted way it is trying to keep me safe. It is nice to know that I am not the only one who is facing this.

I am glad this has helped you. It almost felt really twisted and horrible to say that the self harm didn't feel like the right kind of pain. But once it was explained to me why that is, it made so much more sense.

Originally Posted by Chartres

Also, HazelGirl, you are brave for talking to your T about SI. I understand the fear of T getting angry and im glad that didn't happen for you.

Thank you. It was very difficult. I really appreciate that.