[SoupDragon]

So finally T and l decided to call it a day. l had written my 100th "I quit" email and T said "Ok then".

l wanted to just run, but T "made" me do 4 termination sessions.

l was initially very sad and low, then quite anxious about how l would cope.

l made appointments to see other people. A Life Coach which didn't feel right and then on Monday a counsellor. It was odd seeing someone else, a female with a different approach. But in that hour she said some really powerful things to me, that helped me understand some of the things that l had been experiencing with my T. However there was something about her that didn't quite click with me and l realised what a huge opportunity l was throwing away by terminating with T.

l had contacted someone else too, and her terms and conditions were harsh sounding and again l realised how committed and patient my T had been with me.

l went to my final session with T and for once l managed to be really open, about how l had been wrong about quitting, about the times l had been cross with T, what l had found difficult, what l had thought he had thought about me. T seemed equally honest back, including the fact that l was sometimes exasperating. It felt such a real, honest session and the outcome is that we are to continue.

l realise how l have taken T for granted, have not been respectful of him having the right to a life separate from being T and how l need to do things differently rather than just repeating the same week every week.

l felt so clear headed this week and am nervous that l will disappear again into that place that can make it difficult to even move.

l'm really hoping this is going to be be start of some useful work.

[gma45]

That is wonderful news! Isn't it nice when there is progress. I am happy for you. I finally get to go see one next week after waiting and waiting to get back on ins. I am nervous. Enjoy the clear head while you can, that is a good feeling, isn't it? I wish you the best.

[SoupDragon]

Thank-you gma 45 Yes after such a long time, maybe even years, it is really wonderful to experience clarity.

And that's such good news that you have something starting next week. Good luck, look forward to hearing how it goes!

Soup

[Wren_]

I'm really glad you are continuing with your T soup ... And that you were able to share so much ... not sure why but somehow I always keep wanting the two of you to continue and for it to work well even through the struggles

[SoupDragon]

Thanks TG, my T actually became tearful which was a little freaky, but it dawned on me that he was genuine and sincere and it had just been those "ghosts" in my head that had been trying to convince me otherwise.

l really hope this is the start of something important for me.

Soup

[BonnieJean]

I'm glad this happened for you, Soup.

Soup.... I'm happy for you....

[Aloneandafraid]

This is really encouraging. Thanks for sharing & good luck.

[healingme4me]

Sounds like looking into the other counsellors and life coach, added a bit of dimension to how you perceive your current T?
Sounds like you had a good session, seems like a positive step.

My impression is that you're seeing your T now, more as a choice. Shifted your paradigm, no longer is T your authority nor are you dependent. Good for you. :Hug:

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[SoupDragon]

Thank-you. It has taken me more than 4 years to get to this point. l was ready to give up, so there must be a really strong bit of me somewhere that didn't give up hope.

l have even made a contract with myself:

No between session emails.
No l quit emails
To start hand shaking with T at the end of sessions (that's gonna be a huge achievement).
To not avoid eye contact
To not avoid feeling emotion (crying is OK)
To tell T ifl feel cross with them
To remind myself to trust, that it is ok.

AND......not to beat myself up if l ''trip" occasionally (although "I quit" emails are completely unacceptable.

Soup

[AllyIsHopeful]

Seems like a breakthrough realization and session. Honesty, in my opinion, is always the greatest approach--even when the truth is brutal.

It will stick just occasionally make a mental note of this experience and how you have a patient and willing Therapist (even when you feel you hate his guts).

[sweepy62]

Soupdragon, I am so happy for you, that is so meaningful, to have termination sessions only to find out that you are going to continue your journey together, how insightful, good luck to both of you, sending you hugs.

I'm glad to hear you decided to continue. I can't say I'm surprised as as you know, you've been this route many times before. But this time you seem to have made some important realizations and resolves that should serve you well. Good luck to you.

[tinyrabbit]

Well done this is really great work.

Every time I get annoyed and start looking for other Ts, they all annoy me because they aren't exactly like my T.

[peaches100]

SoupDragon,

I think that's AWESOME!!!