Hi,

I'm speaking with a coach on Skype every other week. We scheduled a session and so I tried to make a call that day, but there was nobody there. So I thought my coach must have been a bit late (this can happen, right?) and tried again a bit later. But no answer. I got quite worried because normally, if something like that would happen, she'd send me a message. Not that day. I decided to send an email. I thought she must at least notice this on her smartphone and realize she forgot about our appointment, right? I made it quite short (I was a little bit angry, yes). Just told I tried to call and that I was hoping she was fine.

I got a reply like 8 hours later, telling she completely messed up and she was terribly sorry. Things like that happen (maybe), but I imagined myself leaving work early thinking my day at work was finished (which apparently she did after the session before mine), while it wasn't. I'd be fired, right? So I didn't know how to react really... I was upset, sad, angry... and relieved she was doing ok, too... Aarrggh.
But I really couldn't imagine she wouldn't have thought about this session in like 8 hours! Or something was going on and she doesn't tell me the truth, I don't know... On the other hand, why would someone intentionally 'forget' a session? That doesn't make sense to me either.
And she had a point, that session was scheduled on a day we normally never speak. So it might have had an influence. But anyway...

I actually sent an email saying that things like that happen. She wanted to reschedule our session. I didn't really feel like talking but agreed in the end. Then when we spoke, of course I didn't say much about it and she thanked me for having forgiven her. But the feeling kinda lingers... As if my trust is gone. Or I'm just extremely disappointed. And I don't know whether she told me the truth and that frustrates me quite a bit. Even though I don't know whether it even matters. I think it's more about how I want to deal with this... I think. If I want to be angry, then maybe I should be... I simply don't know. :-/

Any advice? Thoughts?

Thanks!

[SoupDragon]

In terms of feelings, my T tells me they are never right or wrong, they are just there - so I would say it is fine to be feeling whatever you are feeling.

My T once forgot a session - it was 3 years ago - I was really hurt, felt I didn't matter, that I wasn't important. However he said he was just human and we can all make mistakes. I realised that he was right - we can all make mistakes and my reaction to his mistake, was the thing for me to be interested in and not to get caught up in why he made the mistake.

I know I am unforgiving to myself and take things personally if others make mistake and maybe these things about me, lead me to experience life as more difficult than it really is. So it is interesting to see what happens if we allow ourselves to forgive, not take things personally and acknowledge that anyone can make a mistake.

Of course you don't know for certain the reason why she failed to answer your Skype call - but if it was because she wanted to reject you, why would she apologise, why would she want to reschedule the session?

I know for me that I think about therapy and my T a lot, however I have to accept that conversely I am a small part of his life, around an hour a week, he has many other things to think about. Saying that I would be really, really, p'd if he forgot another appointment!!

Soup

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Forwardinreverse

Any advice? Thoughts?

Thanks!

I had something very similar happen to me once and I didn't discuss it, I think I just stored it away as a reason not to trust my T. Like you said, if it's not discussed the resentment can fester. Then it happened again. I was upset enough the second time that I did bring it up and even started the following session, talking about how it bothered me. Then my T explained what happened and I didn't think he was lying, I saw him like a human being and I wasn't angry anymore. Not sure if a coach is the same as a therapist, but my advice would be talk about your reaction to it... it's therapy after all!?

[coolibrarian]

Of course you are hurt, angry, and disappointed that your T forgot about your session. Those are all normal feelings. And, even though she apologized, it still hurts, and THAT'S OK. Look at it this way: if someone steps on your foot, and then apologizes, it's ok, even though your foot still hurts. You deal with hurt (from your T's actions/inactions) by talking to T about it.

[rothfan6]

Originally Posted by Forwardinreverse

And she had a point, that session was scheduled on a day we normally never speak. So it might have had an influence.

It doesn't excuse forgetting or make it hurt any less but people are creatures of habit. Im sure she has a routine on days she does sessions so maybe the different day threw her off.

It does hurt when it happens but try not to let it damage your trust in your coach. I don't think there's anyway you should or should not feel, it just is. When my T forgot a session after he'd been sick he thought it was Thursday instead of Wednesday. I had to remind myself all of the times my T was there and has proven that I can trust him. Otherwise I would have just stayed hurt and quit therapy.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I experienced something similar when my T forgot to call me. I waited all day. Finally, I emailed her asking if she was okay. She didn't respond until the next day, and all she said was "sorry yesterday didn't work out".

I emailed her a 5 page email telling her how I felt. And in our next 3 sessions, all we talked about was that situation. She told me I have a right to my feelings, and we would discuss it as many times as I needed. It really helped to talk about it. I never really found out why she didn't call, but the why didn't matter...what mattered is that I didn't know what was going on.

I'd say definitely talk to her.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's hard to here someone we count on forgot about us. Are you charged when you don't show up? If you are, and maybe even if you aren't should request or insist on a free session to compensate you. I did this once to a Jungian analyst before, because when I had an issue with my memory and missed a few sessions here and there ~ 3. I was build out of pocket $180.00 each time, and that was 20 years ago. It helped me emotionally to know that she was at least willing to put he time where my money wasn't that time, and it did help the adult me emotionally.

Thanks for the advice. Yes, I got a free session. But actually I never really care about that. I'd rather have her not forgetting about me. ;-) But anyway... Like a previous time when she offered me a free session, this time I was too angry to say 'no need to'. I accepted it.
After all it at least showed me her 'human being' side... Maybe I needed that too. Remembering I'm just 'one client', you know... That's not a bad thing sometimes.