When therapy feels pointless

So I went to my 'closure' session on Tuesday. It was actually quite good in a way, and now I don't know if it I will finish, or keep going a while longer. My head's in a spin. I don't know if I'm right or wrong, old T said several times that if people don't respond to me in the way I exactly want then I get on my high horse and cut them out, and don't want what they're offering. I know there is a grain of truth in that, but I don't know if she's being fair. She also told me how much money she had spent to hire the room for all the free therapy, and I felt uncomfortable at this being used to prove that she cares. And said it was fine for the PA to be copied into emails because she has a psychology background

I had a session with a possible new T this evening. She was nice, and I liked her but, I'm overall so pleased with how my life is going at the minute, it felt like a waste of time. The most pressing issue is my old T, and that really is a mess and annoys me to think about it, but because I have loads of happy stuff going on it's very easy to not think of it, most of the time.

I am very happy at the minute (overall) but I also am quite distinctly alone in terms of intimate emotional relationships. If I focus on how alone I am, I rapidly feel miserable and worry about what is wrong with me, and crave stuff I used to have like sleeping entwined with a loved one. But if I just focus on how good my days are, well, then I am genuinely happy and content I have plenty of non-intimate, but fun and stimulating and pleasant, interaction with wonderful people who like me. So it's not like I am starved of human contact. In fact it's quite the opposite, I am so busy doing things I enjoy I am actually longing for time to be by myself and bask in solitude (have always been like this, need proper time to alone or I get stressed).

I also wonder about vulnerability. I can't be vulnerable, it took old T and I months of intensive block therapy to get to the brink of being vulnerable - when I think some really good work could have happened, but didn't because of our rupture - and I can't see myself being able to get to that point with the new woman, seeing her once a week, no contact in between. I think I would really value seeing her as someone to talk to and be supported, but I don't think I can do life-changing work anymore.

Am I running away from doing the work, or does it sound like I am at a good time to take a break and not worry about therapy for a while?

Madame T said that of me. But you can turn that round. If I don't accept exactly what you are offering, T, you get on your high horse and don't listen to what I want.

It did not end well.

It sounds like they're all good choices IG. If you take a break, you can go back. If you start with a new T and then realize it's not progressing the way you want it to, you can take a break. Your days are genuinely good and you have good people in your life. That's pretty cool. The fact that you don't currently have in an intimate partner (but wish you did) is likely not a reflection of how anything is wrong with you. It's just how it happens to be at the moment. I'm glad you're in such a good place.

Thank you I am in a good place. However, when I say I have no intimate relationships, I don't mean romantically, I mean I have no close friendships at the moment. I miss that, and feel it's a significant sign that I should be committed to the therapy thing in order to learn how to create stronger friendships.

Honestly...your T may have made some good points but telling you how much the "free" therapy actually cost her, doesn't demonstrate how much she cares, it demonstrates that she's really just not getting the concept of boundaries or ethics. Also her CC'ing the P.A in on your emails is total B.S!! I don't care if she has a psychology background, a doctorate or rules the world. You did NOT give your permission for anyone to seen your correspondence and therefore she has breached confidentiality.

I think you need to either have a break from therapy since you're in a good place or find a new therapist who can meet your needs.

This underlined bit gave me a giggle It's true though - I didn't give permission and it's weird to add someone else to the mix like that, who I don't know from Adam.

It took my t 7 years to break through my armor and find my vulnerability and it's probably created the best work that could happen in all that time.

It's also illegal and breaks confidentiality. She could lose her license for something like that. And how do you know it hasn't happened at another time?