[tinyrabbit]

So I sometimes see another T if my usual one is away and once because he was off sick. Usual T recommended her and she's very good. I went to see her last week because usual T was off and I heard something about my brother (long story) that left me feeling triggered and invalidated.

I told interim T a little about the family dynamic: how my brother was the favourite, how he didn't stick up for me but repeated things my parents said, how I've decided to go no-contact with him as well as my parents because he is still coming out with toxic rubbish. Like recalling an occasion when my dad was abusive in front of some other people and saying the person he really felt sorry for was - wait for it - my dad, just to give an example. I've broken off contact with him. All he does is try to feed me thought poison.

I told interim T a little about this and ranted about how it annoys me that I see how effed up my family is while my brother lives in denial. He and my mum ignored the CSA, minimised everything else and left me to bear the worst of it all. Though I didn't mention the CSA.

After the session I googled interim T, probably wanting to somehow hold onto her. I found a publicly available page where she mentioned having brothers and felt kind of humiliated and jealous because it sounded like she got on well with her brothers and I felt like she couldn't understand what it was like for me and she was probably sitting there feeling smug that she had what I didn't. Probably all in my head I realise.

But it made me realise something else. I've been in therapy 1.5 years and wondered all kinds of things about my T: what his parents were like, whether he has kids and pets, what his wife is like, his star sign, if he's religious, what his house is like. But I never once thought to wonder if he had siblings. Even though I normally wonder that about people. And now I've realised that, I don't want to think of him having siblings - either ones he looked out for or that looked out for him or anything. I just want to imagine him all alone. What's that about do you think? Is it so I believe he can relate? Or because I felt alone? Any thoughts welcome!

[Leah123]

I'd guess it's so it's easier for you to feel special to him and to avoid the concern you felt with the substitute therapist that she might be judging you if her own experience was better, which, by the way, I agree is just your projection.

I know I always feel better when I find out things my therapist and I share, and when I find out about the ones we don't, well, it does put me off a little and take me a little time to feel comfortable with her, knowing that while she might understand me, she can't relate about everything.

[kororain]

Maybe it's that you wish him to approach you as a blank slate without his own biases, so that he can better acknowledge your particular situation without comparing it to any others.

I guess that's what I wish for. Because I'm always thinking that T thinks I'm selfish and horrible and a brat and nothing really wrong with me, except those things. Basically, that I should just suck it up and quit being a jerk.