[Soccer mom]

In the past I have only gone to my T when I've had problems to solve dealing with parents, kids, work, etc. It's never been emotional. I've been seeing T for about 2 months now due to my mom's terminal illness and death almost a month ago.

In the past we have never texted or really talked much in between sessions because I never knew if I was going back - usually only needed 2-3 sessions. This group of sessions is different - more emotional not necessarily due to my mom's death but due to me WANTing to see T instead of NEEDing to see T. She has texted very sweet things such as "I always have time", "I'm here", etc. For about a month I almost couldn't tell if we were friends or just client-therapist. We've exchanged stories about our emotionally-distant mothers/kids/husbands/etc. Because I never did this with her in the past, I think the soft boundaries gave me the impression we were friends as well until I came on this site and realized many T's are that way with their clients.

I feel odd to bring it up with T but also feel like it would be better to be upfront about my feelings and perhaps even define the boundaries more BUT I also don't want our relationship to change. And, I hate feeling needy or wanting her. I texted her "You know, I hate that I want to come that much" after she wrote my schedule. She wrote "U could hate me instead...doesn't make for a very good therapeutic process but we could try it...". (btw, we tease each other a lot).
My next session is Thursday and I'm nervous whether to approach it or not.

[Leah123]

It sounds like you have a very helpful, positive relationship with your therapist, and these relationships definitely can have some elements in common with friendship, except that in therapy, while you may both talk about yourself some, the focus of the conversation is to help you.

I do consider my therapy relationship "friendly" at times. We are not friends, because we'll never go to the movies together, out for a drink, swap time as babysitters, etc. Our relationship's limited to the therapy time and space, and of course, it's paid. I support her financially, she supports me emotionally, so it's reciprocal, just not identical. We may talk about gardening for a minute here or there, but the major difference is she doesn't need to unburden herself to me. Our sharing doesn't change that I can rely on her and she doesn't impose her emotional needs on me.

But that doesn't mean you two can't like each other! It's great when that happens.

That hating of your own neediness is indeed common, I'm sure you've read some other posts about it if you've looked through the forums much.

It's hard to rely on others for many, especially about really difficult or personal issues. That feeling was very very hard for me personally to bear, but I worked hard to accept it, to give in to that feeling and it's gotten much easier. I didn't suffer any of the bad consequences I was afraid to, lack of sense of self, losing my power, not being able to function without her.

Instead, I am able to appreciate having the support, and find I'm more empowered overall. There are some ups and downs, but I encourage you to be honest with your therapist. I believe it's the only way to be really productive in therapy: otherwise it's like having a cooking class where you don't tell the chef you hate seafood. They may be cooking up shrimp scampi with talent and care, but what they teach is isn't going to be as relevant.

[stopdog]

I think I would ask myself what would I gain from such a conversation and what I am afraid would happen. That would then help me decide what to do and how to approach it if I did decide to talk about it.

[Perna]

I did not read anything that said your relationship/therapy was not emotional. I would discuss that. All relationships have to be emotional or there is no relationship? I suspect you are seeing T because of your mother's terminal illness and that relationship because of the emotions. That is what therapy does. So I would do like stopdog suggests and think whether you want to get into therapy and discuss things in more depth or not, what you are afraid of, etc.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Your relationship with your T sounds similar to mine. We can just talk in general or about my issues. She can be serious, concerned, caring, and even funny. We laugh most sessions. In fact, on really good days, she can't even talk about anything serious because my elevated mood affects her so much. She says I help her find her child side.

Your relationship with your T doesn't have to change. It doesn't mean it's not authentic. Each relationship is different from any other relationship. And as much as you hear people say "T's are not our friends,I have found that to be false with my T. We are very much friends...there's just the addition of more boundaries and the fact I'm paying her for her skills (like paying a friend who professionally does nails, hair, repairs, teaches, etc.).

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Your relationship with your T sounds similar to mine. We can just talk in general or about my issues. She can be serious, concerned, caring, and even funny. We laugh most sessions. In fact, on really good days, she can't even talk about anything serious because my elevated mood affects her so much. She says I help her find her child side.

Your relationship with your T doesn't have to change. It doesn't mean it's not authentic. Each relationship is different from any other relationship. And as much as you hear people say "T's are not our friends,I have found that to be false with my T. We are very much friends...there's just the addition of more boundaries and the fact I'm paying her for her skills (like paying a friend who professionally does nails, hair, repairs, teaches, etc.).

Have you ever discussed with your T. your friendship or the boundaries? I think if I discuss them instead of dancing around them, things would be better. I've tried to be very respectful by not texting too much. She has been the one to guide some of the boundaries: she has called and said very sweet things yet also doesn't always text back (I'm assuming to draw the line). I'm very open and the type that would rather "get it out there" instead of assuming possibly incorrectly.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Have you ever discussed with your T. your friendship or the boundaries? I think if I discuss them instead of dancing around them, things would be better. I've tried to be very respectful by not texting too much. She has been the one to guide some of the boundaries: she has called and said very sweet things yet also doesn't always text back (I'm assuming to draw the line). I'm very open and the type that would rather "get it out there" instead of assuming possibly incorrectly.

Yes. Ironic though, she doesn't want to discuss boundaries with me per se. She wants me to "discover" boundaries like you would do in other relationships. She does have the upper hand in the relationship if she needs to, but otherwise we're equals and in a partnership. We're both truthful and open. She can say exactly what and how she feels. If I don't like it or if she doesn't like something I do, we compromise, debate, or even sometimes agree to disagree. She will never "mother" me, discipline me, or even lead the conversation (unless she really wants to).

Of course there's common sense boundaries for me: I don't purposely see her outside of sessions, I try to not bother her Fri-Sun (family days), and I don't email her all my problems. But I can email her whenever I want, I can call and text whenever I need to, we've talked about her life and raising a baby. We don't talk too much about the future because it could always change. But she has told me on multiple occasions that she will always be a part of my life even when therapy is over. And when therapy is over the relationship will change. But she knows I look out for her and I know she looks out for me. We both genuinely like each other and enjoy our conversations. In fact, she once said that on my "bad" days she teaches me; on my "good" days I teach her.

I do have to mention that there is a reason why she choose to allow this type of relationship with me. I have BPD, and struggle with relationships. I have also had years of traditional therapy. If she did typical therapy with me, I wouldn't learn anything (she did try at first). So our relationship is a true friendship to teach me how to have other healthy relationships.

Also, I have found boundaries... any mention of her "b-day" is a HUGE no no. She hates pictures of just herself. And don't ever bring or talk about things she's scared of...lol. These things plus the ones listed above are really my only "solid" boundaries.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Sorry for another response:

Do be careful in this type of therapeutic relationship. It can wind up being confusing. And even if there are "loose" boundaries, both people have to maintain respect for themselves and other. Boundaries are important in every relationship...so even if they aren't spelled out, you still need to respect them. Be wary if a T has no boundaries. That's not healthy. I had a friendship like that once...don't want to even think about it.

But yes, you both NEED to be open and honest for it to work.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Yes. Ironic though, she doesn't want to discuss boundaries with me per se. She wants me to "discover" boundaries like you would do in other relationships. She does have the upper hand in the relationship if she needs to, but otherwise we're equals and in a partnership. We're both truthful and open. She can say exactly what and how she feels. If I don't like it or if she doesn't like something I do, we compromise, debate, or even sometimes agree to disagree. She will never "mother" me, discipline me, or even lead the conversation (unless she really wants to).

Of course there's common sense boundaries for me: I don't purposely see her outside of sessions, I try to not bother her Fri-Sun (family days), and I don't email her all my problems. But I can email her whenever I want, I can call and text whenever I need to, we've talked about her life and raising a baby. We don't talk too much about the future because it could always change. But she has told me on multiple occasions that she will always be a part of my life even when therapy is over. And when therapy is over the relationship will change. But she knows I look out for her and I know she looks out for me. We both genuinely like each other and enjoy our conversations. In fact, she once said that on my "bad" days she teaches me; on my "good" days I teach her.

I do have to mention that there is a reason why she choose to allow this type of relationship with me. I have BPD, and struggle with relationships. I have also had years of traditional therapy. If she did typical therapy with me, I wouldn't learn anything (she did try at first). So our relationship is a true friendship to teach me how to have other healthy relationships.

Also, I have found boundaries... any mention of her "b-day" is a HUGE no no. She hates pictures of just herself. And don't ever bring or talk about things she's scared of...lol. These things plus the ones listed above are really my only "solid" boundaries.

This sounds perfect to me. I so wish my T was like this. I believe I could learn so much from this approach. You are very fortunate to have this. Cherish it.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

This sounds perfect to me. I so wish my T was like this. I believe I could learn so much from this approach. You are very fortunate to have this. Cherish it.

I do cherish it. I told her one time that she spoils me too much. She joked and said she could stop and put up more boundaries I never expected to find someone like her. Hell, I didn't know people like her exist. She thinks it's funny that I feel guilty when I'm upset with her. But I trust her, and she trust me. And I truly respect her.

I know many people here don't believe this type of relationship can exist or they don't believe it's healthy. It's not an easy relationship to balance especially for me being so reactive. But that's why I support soccer mom's thoughts and feelings about her relationship with her T. If it exists, if you discover someone like this, and you both are willing to put the effort in...then you should embrace it for however long it lasts.