[Airy]

Hi everyone, how are you? I'm new around here, and was hoping you all could give me a second perspective on my considering a new therapist.

Here's a brief rundown of my deal: I'm 34, transgender, and in the midst of transitioning. I'm also the only child from an enmeshed and dysfunctional family who relates a lot with adult children of alcoholics. In 2012, I came out to myself and started hormones that summer. My relationship with my parents increasingly deteriorated as I set boundaries for the first time in life. Later that year I was confronted by my parents and I came out to them way before I was ready. Not long after I cut contact with them because the relationship was too toxic. I'm learning, struggling, growing into my own person, an adult. I also struggle with anxiety and poor body image. I'm looking to reach some transitioning milestones in the next few years.

I've attended a trans support group since late 2012, moderated by a therapist named Alisa. (Note: names are changed) Recently we had a one time session because I'm considering facial feminization surgery and we discussed some of my other issues too. Our session has since stirred up all sorts of emotions and I'm seriously considering switching to see her as my personal therapist. I'm tearing up, feeling open in a way I haven't felt in a long time. She has such a nurturing, personal temperament. The things I've talked about with other therapists, I feel more open with her, like I could talk and feel with her about them on a deeper level. The other therapists I've seen, it feels more like I'm talking at than sharing. I feel excitement, butterflies and fear about sharing with her, but also that I could be open in a way I haven't had before. I had a similar feeling of acceptance and connection when I met with her one on one before joining the group, as well. Most of my previous therapists seem so cold and impersonal.

Here is a concern, however: am I just drifting from therapist to therapist these last few years? My history of therapists:

Dave. 1997-2006. Helped me through serious teenage depression and college. He's the best therapist I've had. He felt like a father in ways. (During this time I had no idea about ACOA and wasn't ready to confront gender stuff) Therapy was terminated when I graduated and moved out of state for work.

Raymond. Jan-March 2010. I entered therapy after depression returned. This is the worst therapist I've ever been to. He was very forgetful, never took notes, was late to appointments. I terminated therapy and it took awhile to get back into it again.

Bill. Jan 2012-March 2012. I entered therapy after falling into a deep depression. Bill was warm and helpful. In therapy we uncovered my feelings about being female. While bill was very helpful, he did take up a lot of time talking and wasn't qualified to treat transgender people.

Marcy. March 2012-Jan 2014. Mary is a gender therapist. She is also an ACOA. Things were okay, but a lot of the therapy was up to me. (I learned I needed to also work with my therapists the therapeutic relationship itself instead of just keeping quiet. ) However, after I came out to my parents, my world changed greatly and began suffering from anxiety, brain fog, and inaction. Marcy's mirroring and validation to be lacking and fake. I didn't feel connection with her. I discussed that I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere in therapy and needed more structure, but wasn't provided with any. I terminated the relationship because in jan 2014 I was in the same spot as jan 2013 and not being given enough tools, despite my protests.

Daria. Feb 2014-present. After doing some therapist shopping/ consultations, i started seeing Daria after she followed up on our initial consultation. If she hadn't, I probably would've kept shopping. But our second session she gave me some tools to manage my anxiety so I gave it a shot. She specializes in codependent/dysfunctional families but has no experience with trans issues. She is reserved and a little distant. Lately I cut back on therapy because it felt like a waste of money to go every week.

So...yeah. I'm worried about moving from therapist to therapist. I intend to talk about this with Daria in out next session.

I don't want to give up on therapy with Daria, But Alisa just seems to fit my needs so much more than my previous therapists. She can prepare me for some major transitioning milestones. I connect with her in such a different way. I felt nurtured by her. Excited about therapy and scared too. She doesn't feel like she's a robot like my other therapists. Perhaps my emotions are clouding me but I think I'd be in better health years from now seeing her.

[Perna]

Hi, Airy, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). It sounds like you are doing okay, gaining or learning from your therapy experiences with so many therapists rather than just jumping therapist to therapist because you have an issue with them or therapy and not getting any useful work done. Were I you, I would ask for another session with Alisa and discuss this issue and your concerns with her; she may not have room for you at the moment or may have some other insight or ideas. I think it is always good to discuss relationships with the other people you want to be in relationship with so it is not so one-sided.

[nottrustin]

Airy it seems to me you are NOT just shopping around for a therapist and switching easily. You have some difficult issues and ones that not all Ts have enough training in. I was recently speaking to one of the patients where I work. He is also transgender and has had an awful time finding somebody who can help him through his issues.

[CantExplain]

It looks like you are giving each therapist a fair chance.
Better to change therapists than to give up on therapy.

[iheartjacques]

Doesn't seem like you're moving from therapist to therapist. They seemed to give you a different fit for the issues you had at the time. I love mine but I think I need someone else as he doesn't seem to know how to handle my ED.

[Victoria'smom]

The first therapist you stayed with for 9 years and you had to terminate.
The 2nd was lousy
The 3rd not qualified
The 4th stayed with10 mths but therapy style didn't work.
Present not qualified

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Honestly you need to find a Dave that specializes in transgender issues.