So after talking about how my mother was emotionally absent, we talked about what I do with the feelings I am left with.

I said yes if I think about it to much I feel angry. But what's the point of being angry at her. It's done, it's over.

T said, but your angry at the baby you were, your angry at her vunrabilty.
Unyet you were never angry at your children's vunrabilty.

I said, that's correct. I had a protective shield around them. I never wanted them to experience what I experienced. I wanted them to feel held, safe, loved!

T said, yes, but you cannot transfer that to yourself.

I said I wish I could have been born without any innocence.
T said, because than you wouldn't have experienced the early disillusionment you experienced.
Yes, thats it.

I told T I want to punch the innocent me in the face.

Session pretty much ended then.

I'm not sure how I will ever come to terms with my vunrabilty.

T says talking about it, putting words to those early experiences is the solution.

I'm not sure how it works either, Mouse. I also want to punch the younger me in the face. ALL. THE. TIME. I hate her and how stupid and hopeful she was.

[HazelGirl]

I know that feeling so well. But recently (literally, in just the past few weeks), I think I've started to maybe be able to move past it. I have started to feel a little sad for myself instead of angry and self-blaming. Instead of hating myself, I am seeing that I can actually care even just a little tiny bit about the little girl who was abused and emotionally abandoned. It's possible; it just takes time.

I have times when I feel I've moved past it. But than I discover another layer. Sometimes the space between those times is months, years.

This time, I feel closer to the core. Actually allowing myself to talk about the vunrabilty. I don't think I've managed to stay so long with it, as I have over these past 3 sessions.

[CantExplain]

Therapy - and growth in general - is not a straight path.

[iheartjacques]

Oh boy. I don't know what to do with the anger either. It's like you come to terms with it, something else comes up, you get angry again (but for a new reason), come to terms with it, then peel back another issue. It's tiring isn't it? I wonder how many more times I have to go through this.