Okay, so I kinda got out what I needed to with T. I downplayed it though and I didn't even tell her about my suicidal thoughts that I still have. I think it was fear and embarrassment that I allowed to hold me back. I wish I hadn't though because she is on vacation for the next week. I think I really need to start writing down what exactly I want to get out to T during sessions so I'm not left waiting with all these extra things. I just always feel like a failure...like I can never do anything right even though I'm really trying with my life now. Half the time I feel like if I were to just end it and stop the pain and burden then it will be better for not just me, but the people that have to put up with me. Are these even legitimate bad thoughts though?? I always feel like such a fake.

[Victoria'smom]

Are these even legitimate bad thoughts though?? . Yes, of course it is. When well others don't think about suicide. I think the thing is that we downplay in life so even in therapy we have a hard time conveying the gravity of things. Writing always helps me.

[Wysteria]

Hi Kneehole,

I often feel the same way, like I didn't emphasize something enough, forgot to bring stuff up, or didn't finish what we started or am hanging on to thoughts from a session a few weeks ago. Like MM said, I think it is important to write it down, journal, write emails to T (if allowed) or make a list to take into therapy with you... Just like when we go to the doctor, we get in there and get distracted or on a big topic and then all the other stuff gets forgotten in the moment.

Please do make it quite clear how you are doing with you SUI thoughts and such. Maybe even create a chart with emotions, thoughts, behaviours etc in it and rate them 0 - 10 each day...leave room for notes on what happened that triggered the thoughts or feelings as well. I used to journal and send them to T the day before so he would be more "up to date" on where I was when I walked in the door...

Your T can't genuinely treat you if you don't stay honest and authentic with her. Please always be as direct and honest as possible. She doesn't want it sugar coated. the rest of the world might, but not our T's...

Gentle hugs and keep up the good work!
WB

[tametc]

Originally Posted by kneehole

Half the time I feel like if I were to just end it and stop the pain and burden then it will be better for not just me, but the people that have to put up with me. Are these even legitimate bad thoughts though?? I always feel like such a fake.

When I've had SUI thoughts in the past, my thinking has been distorted to the point of thinking everyone would be better off without me. I even thought that it would be better for my kids, who were fairly young during one of my toughest times. That is the depression talking.

I realize now that I didn't really ever want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. I hope you can find some relief soon. Know that we care about you.