[GenCat]

Its all my fault because I let myself get too close to T. So close to think I love her and need to take care of her. I am a freak and feel like a 5 year old. I don't know what I feel but I know I feel too much. And feel the wrong things. I got too involved and analyzed things to crap and misunderstood them. I think I want abuse to get attention. I play the abused victim, always the victim to strangers so they will feel for me. Becuase I can't love myself I look to others who might can. I am weak and selfish. I am not considerate of others time or lives. I just want love and attention. Nothing is wrong with me I just pretend to have problems so I'll get attention. I'm done with therapy and doctors. I'm done with my pathetic life.

[InRealLife45]

what happened, exactly? are you able to keep yourself safe tonight?

everyone wants love and attention...that doesnt make you bad.

It's not your fault dear one. Your T should be helping you work through all this. Do you have a good T? Don't they realize what's happening?

[SoupDragon]

Like your signature says, things come and go and that inudes how you are feeling now. It will pass Gencat. Soup

[CantExplain]

These are exactly the sort of issues a therapist can help you with. Don't give up just yet!

[Willowleaf]

You are not alone in those feelings. Feelings are not our fault, they just are. Keep yourself safe and I hope your t can help you deal with it all.

Originally Posted by GenCat

Its all my fault because I let myself get too close to T. So close to think I love her and need to take care of her. I am a freak and feel like a 5 year old. I don't know what I feel but I know I feel too much. And feel the wrong things. I got too involved and analyzed things to crap and misunderstood them. I think I want abuse to get attention. I play the abused victim, always the victim to strangers so they will feel for me. Becuase I can't love myself I look to others who might can. I am weak and selfish. I am not considerate of others time or lives. I just want love and attention. Nothing is wrong with me I just pretend to have problems so I'll get attention. I'm done with therapy and doctors. I'm done with my pathetic life.

It is absolutely normal to want love and affection. And especially if you can't find it for yourself. We all need it. If it's not in there, it has to be somewhere outside of us. That's just how it goes.
And if you're looking for it outside of yourself, there is probably something going on in you that keeps you from doing this for yourself. So you do deserve help with that! Just like anyone else does who is fighting that battle.

I believe that it's like light... You need a spark to start it and once you have it, you can keep it burning if you take care and you can pass it on. Your T needs to be that spark, until it lights you up on the inside and then you'll be ready to be there for yourself and also, genuinely, for others.

It's normal and even necessary that you have a close relationship with your T for that. Although I understand it might scare you a lot! It's probably rather new for you. But please, give yourself the permission to enjoy it without any blame. If you feel like you need her, you need her. It's that simple. No judgement can change the way you feel about that.

[precaryous]

GenCat is your T still being inappropriate with you?

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by precaryous

GenCat is your T still being inappropriate with you?

I don't know. She told me her personal time was important to her also, after I told her to response to an email that was important to me. I asked her to respond in writing to me in order for me to see her Tuesday. And when she did response, she said one of her boundaries was that she cant discuss non superficial topics via web/text. When we have before. And this was the first time she told me about this boundary. So she said does this mean cancel your Tuesday appointment? Its almost like she thinks im going to turn her in, so she wants to get ride of me super fast.

[Parley]

GenCat~ There is nothing wrong with loving someone or wanting love to be returned. Your therapist had issues and that probably confused her boundaries but it doesn't mean the relationship wasn't a genuine one. Sometimes we just outgrow the people we love. You have needs and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Embrace yourself.

[AllyIsHopeful]

My observation from all your other threads is that your T has potentially battled some countertransference with you and was not aware of it. It is a possibility she became aware and began distancing herself. I've read about that happening...This is not your fault at all. She had/has inconsistent boundaries and how can she possibly expect you to have a stable understanding of them.
She put you in situations where she engaged in activities with you outside of the office and claimed there was therapeutic value to these activities. That would be confusing for many people.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, it seems painful and totally understandable to feel the way you are feeling. Please hang in there and realize it is not your fault. Everyone needs love and sometimes we don't receive the right kind of love and become programmed to feel loved and seek attention in ways that have worked in the past.