I wrote my T a letter two weeks ago explaining my feelings for him in intimate detail. (as in, I told him I thought about him while having sex with another guy...yikes, haha).

It went better than I hoped for, in that he didn't kick me out or get upset. For some reason though, he still doesn't want to terminate me or switch me over to a female therapist. He thinks we work well together and that it isn't worth giving up our alliance over my feelings. However, he said he wants me to have a careful watch on my feelings, and that if it gets to be too much and is making me MORE depressed rather than feel better, then to speak up, and we could start thinking about other options. He said that he can't possibly know how intense it gets for me inside my own head, and that I'm the only one that knows the barometer for that. So basically, if I can't handle the heat, I need to get out of the kitchen. Otherwise, he is more than happy to continue working with me.

Since disclosing all of that, it's actually been easier. I've kept a lot of things hidden from him, but now that it's all out there, I have less anxiety, and less urge to text him inappropriately. He was seriously really cool about it.

He told me that he must keep his boundaries, and I get it. Yet...he won't really tell me what those are. He mentioned that no, we won't be meeting outside of the office for coffee, but other than that...not much. He's never before told me to stop texting him, no matter how often I do it. I even tried to address that in my letter, but he made no mention of it.

Also, he has been keeping me in long sessions lately. My last one was an hour and forty minutes. The one before that, an hour and fifty. He still charges me the same. I know I'm the last appointment of the day, but for some reason he just lets them go on like that.

It's starting to seem there is nothing I could really do to "cross" his boundaries, besides stalking his house or insist that we be together. He's said that I just need to learn on how to work with someone I find attractive, if I want to stay seeing him. It's realistic, considering this sort of thing can come up in any working relationship. Again, the things I brought up were pretty intense in nature. In regards to me thinking about him in bed with someone else, his reaction was basically, "If you're not hurting anyone and having a little fun, what's the harm? Quit hating yourself for these feelings." (cause I kept expressing I wish they would go away)

I'm surprised he didn't get rid of me. But wouldn't he be trying harder to not "fan my feelings" or whatever? Wouldn't he keep me in exactly 50 minute sessions, or charge for the remainder? Wouldn't he tell me that texting him is inappropriate? After one session he even offered to let me see a photo of him in the 70s when he was with his band, around my age. He said I would be either, "Wow, you look so much worse now, why do I find you attractive?" or "Who is this asshole, I never would have liked him!"

lol. FYI, he still hasn't shown me it. I think he was just kinda joking, but still. Isn't that a bit strange to say to someone who just admitted intense romantic feelings for you?

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by winenot3

I wrote my T a letter two weeks ago explaining my feelings for him in intimate detail. (as in, I told him I thought about him while having sex with another guy...yikes, haha).

It went better than I hoped for, in that he didn't kick me out or get upset. For some reason though, he still doesn't want to terminate me or switch me over to a female therapist. He thinks we work well together and that it isn't worth giving up our alliance over my feelings. However, he said he wants me to have a careful watch on my feelings, and that if it gets to be too much and is making me MORE depressed rather than feel better, then to speak up, and we could start thinking about other options. He said that he can't possibly know how intense it gets for me inside my own head, and that I'm the only one that knows the barometer for that. So basically, if I can't handle the heat, I need to get out of the kitchen. Otherwise, he is more than happy to continue working with me.

Since disclosing all of that, it's actually been easier. I've kept a lot of things hidden from him, but now that it's all out there, I have less anxiety, and less urge to text him inappropriately. He was seriously really cool about it.

He told me that he must keep his boundaries, and I get it. Yet...he won't really tell me what those are. He mentioned that no, we won't be meeting outside of the office for coffee, but other than that...not much. He's never before told me to stop texting him, no matter how often I do it. I even tried to address that in my letter, but he made no mention of it.

Also, he has been keeping me in long sessions lately. My last one was an hour and forty minutes. The one before that, an hour and fifty. He still charges me the same. I know I'm the last appointment of the day, but for some reason he just lets them go on like that.

It's starting to seem there is nothing I could really do to "cross" his boundaries, besides stalking his house or insist that we be together. He's said that I just need to learn on how to work with someone I find attractive, if I want to stay seeing him. It's realistic, considering this sort of thing can come up in any working relationship. Again, the things I brought up were pretty intense in nature. In regards to me thinking about him in bed with someone else, his reaction was basically, "If you're not hurting anyone and having a little fun, what's the harm? Quit hating yourself for these feelings." (cause I kept expressing I wish they would go away)

I'm surprised he didn't get rid of me. But wouldn't he be trying harder to not "fan my feelings" or whatever? Wouldn't he keep me in exactly 50 minute sessions, or charge for the remainder? Wouldn't he tell me that texting him is inappropriate? After one session he even offered to let me see a photo of him in the 70s when he was with his band, around my age. He said I would be either, "Wow, you look so much worse now, why do I find you attractive?" or "Who is this asshole, I never would have liked him!"

lol. FYI, he still hasn't shown me it. I think he was just kinda joking, but still. Isn't that a bit strange to say to someone who just admitted intense romantic feelings for you?

His reaction was similar to my doctor's. If there's no harm being done, what's wrong with the fantasy? He may be downplaying your feelings to show you that it's normal to be attracted to other people in these situations. You do need to learn to keep these feelings in check - which you are. So long as he doesn't take advantage of your feelings and lead you on in anyway then it could be a great way for you to practice platonic relationships with men. It can even be fun and productive at the same time. The long sessions are ok if if the last patient. I had one that kept me for over an hour all the time and never charged more. If he's a laid back type and it's good conversation, he might lose track of time or not mind going over. I'm glad you told him everything. I knew it would help take the weight off your shoulders.

[HazelGirl]

I don't think those things are too unusual. Mine is about the same way. She often let's time run over and I can text her whenever I want about whatever I want. She knows that I have strong maternal transference towards her and is totally okay with it all.

[Leah123]

Sounds like you have a professional, relatable T. He sounds clear enough about his role and the boundaries to be very comfortable treating you: it may just take time for you to get used to it because of how charged the issue has been for you.

[SabinaS]

Hey, I guess I would go against the grain here and say that going over time by 40 & 50 minutes would ring alarm bells for me. 5 or 10 minutes maybe ok but 40 or 50 minutes would be like having a double session. I've only had psychoanalytic type therapy though, so perhaps the boundaries around session time are more flexible with CBT?? The whole point of sticking to the session time, is to do with creating a safe space with defined boundaries - the client can act out, turn up late, ask for more time or walk out but (part of) the therapist's role is to maintain the therapeutic boundaries in the room/session.

I would also worry about the photo and his comments, seems a little inappropriate but I don't think he would be actively discouraging you from your feelings towards him. Therapy is a place to explore after all.

I think ultimately it's about how you feel and if you feel uneasy about anything, bring it up. It could be he thinks he's doing you a favour by going over but if you feel uncomfortable about it, then it needs talking about because it's your therapy. I get quite anxious about any boundary issues (despite my fantasies, which say otherwise!) - it's important to feel safe.

[Perna]

Thoughts and feelings are just thoughts and feelings, not action. Working with your T is the action and you appear to be doing that well! Little kids wish their parents were dead when they get frustrated/thwarted and they "mean" it. But that doesn't worry the parent, the parent has more information and experience. Everyone who sees/meets/works with someone attractive to them has feelings of attraction; guys walk around in junior high/high school with books in front of them to hide their "feelings"? If you don't like the feelings, don't you fan them by allowing yourself to fantasize about him when you are having sex with another?

[TheWell]

I agree that it feels like he's doing the right thing. It seems like having all of this out on the table is helpful for your therapy.

If you are concerned about boundaries go into an appointment and say I need to talk about boundaries today.

[NowhereUSA]

I've had my t let things run over. It's not all the time, but he doesn't seem to be rigid with the clock with me. Right now i'm his last appt for the day and i'm dealing with some intense stuff. We've gone over 30-40 minutes probably 2 or 3 times in five years. It's not unusual to go an extra 10-15 although not common. More often than not our sessions end at around 5-10 past.

idk. my therapist has made comments over the years about enjoying my company - we share similar tastes in tv shows/movies and a similar snarky humor. he may also say that because i struggle to think that anyone could like me, even my spouse :-/

Nothing sounds off with your T. My t let's me e-mail him as much as I want. he doesn't always respond which is cool, but he doesn't insist I email him less or not ramble as much as I do. I guess I think of it as rather than hold rigid rules, your t might just be seeing what you need and because he can is willing to accommodate that. The sessions may not always last longer, it might be kind of a thing because maybe you're making some good progress and he'd like to see that continue?

Originally Posted by SabinaS

Hey, I guess I would go against the grain here and say that going over time by 40 & 50 minutes would ring alarm bells for me. 5 or 10 minutes maybe ok but 40 or 50 minutes would be like having a double session. I've only had psychoanalytic type therapy though, so perhaps the boundaries around session time are more flexible with CBT?? The whole point of sticking to the session time, is to do with creating a safe space with defined boundaries - the client can act out, turn up late, ask for more time or walk out but (part of) the therapist's role is to maintain the therapeutic boundaries in the room/session.

I would also worry about the photo and his comments, seems a little inappropriate but I don't think he would be actively discouraging you from your feelings towards him. Therapy is a place to explore after all.

I think ultimately it's about how you feel and if you feel uneasy about anything, bring it up. It could be he thinks he's doing you a favour by going over but if you feel uncomfortable about it, then it needs talking about because it's your therapy. I get quite anxious about any boundary issues (despite my fantasies, which say otherwise!) - it's important to feel safe.

It is a little much, the lengthy sessions. I've been seeing him for almost a year, and though I haven't counted very closely, it seems more recently he has been keeping me in longer sessions. I'm not even mad, really. I like spending time with him, so anything extra without paying always makes me happy. I was just questioning it a bit, considering the subject matter we've been talking about for a few weeks now. It's probably me being pathetic and looking for signs of interest from him, let's be real.

But again, most of the time lately, I find myself caring less. It would be interesting to know if he has any counter-transference feelings of his own, but other than that, I know better. So far, I think I trust him not to do anything.

I've also wondered something. He's noticed I've been attracted to nothing but unhealthy/emotionally unavailable men. He said that we attract who we are, and that unhealthy people attract unhealthy people. So what does this say about him? Where does he fit in, if I'm only attracted to losers? Is he secretly ****ed up? Or is he the one that breaks this theory, cause he's apparently amazing? lol. Just food for thought.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by winenot3

He said that we attract who we are, and that unhealthy people attract unhealthy people. So what does this say about him? Where does he fit in, if I'm only attracted to losers? Is he secretly ****ed up? Or is he the one that breaks this theory, cause he's apparently amazing? lol. Just food for thought.

I that's quite a generalization but is probably true a lot of the time. He's just as likely to be screwed as anyone else though. T's might be good at helping other people, but they aren't necessarily better off themselves. Either way it doesn't really matter, what matters more is he helps you learn healthy relationships. The fact that he's unavailable makes it that much easier for both of you.

[Willowleaf]

It sounds like he dealt with it really well. As for going over my t actually told me a couple of weeks ago I always have half an hour extra if I need it as I can have strong reactions to therapy. She came right out and said if that made me feel unsafe with the boundaries we would deal with it, but to make me feel safe she told me exactly how much extra I can have. I often don't need it, but if I do it's there. I think it works for her as well as one she found me collapsed on the path outside! If you worry about the extra time then you could mention it, but if it works for you both I would say make the most of it. It sounds like you have an experienced thoughtful t.

[HazelGirl]

1. I think my T and I have ended sessions on time maybe 5 times in the past two years. Sometimes, we go up to an hour over.

2. I do think you're looking for special interest where there is none because it's safe. You know he won't act on anything. But that same safety makes you even more curious and allows your imagination to run wild.

3. He is emotionally unavailable. You know this, even though you want to deny it. You can't ever have him, and that's why he fits into your pattern. But it does say that you have some things to work on. I would guess you don't feel like you deserve any better than emotionally unhealthy and unavailable people, and those are the types that seem "familiar" and therefore you know what to expect.