[someone321]

TRIGGER due to abuse

At the beginning of therapy, I was feeling excited before sessions but very numb or angry after. Time went by and I stopped feeling bad after the session but before, in addition to feeling excited, I started feeling anxious...

And last week and today I almost felt sick before the session - most probably because of the topic. However, last week after the session I felt really good and calm and this feeling stayed with me through the whole week. But not today, today I feel very anxious, like my hands are shaking, I hold breath for too long and too often etc... And I know that I could calm down but I just don't want to... I wear a mask in my daily life, I also do not show emotions in front of T, so actually when I feel bad I feel alive... And I want to feel something but why does it have to be the feeling about being terrified? I feel like my T is playing with my brain and in a month I'll spend a week with 3 of my worst abusers, and I did it many times in the past but I always was able to switch to the mood to "everything is okay, I like them" etc... And how am I going to do it this time? That will be tough...

But besides this, the session by itself was also tough... I came there and my T started with asking how the week was, as last time I started talking about the real episodes from my childhood... As it was okay, I decided that I should continue the story... But then... How to just start talking about things which most people do not see even in tv? How to explain why e.g. this stupid 10-year old girl went to this place willingly etc. and how to describe all details, how to force the mouth to say it aloud? It took some time but eventually I did it - no tears no trembling voice, just said it... Actually my T thinks that I dissociate partly all the time as I can always separate all or selected emotions...
So I said it, we talked about it but at the previous session I had the feeling that I said so much, and today only two stories... Two out of... hundreds? Thousands? And all others have to wait till next week...

There were also other difficult topics which we covered, e.g. my T suggesting that "maybe a part of you still wants to have sex with..." (the worst abuser) or "he (another perpetrator) possessed your body, sexuality and mind"... Idk, just hearing that according to T, they just destroyed me is nothing nice to hear... Or:
T: "I feel that for last two sessions we talked about the sexual and emotional abuse but there was also this big part of physical abuse, which you avoid...
Me: Physical? No, there was no big thing, no broken bones, no bruises, nothing to talk about
T: Really? So what about holding your head under water, putting pillow on your face, twisting arms, kicking, punching, pushing, pulling hair, biting...
Me: aaaa, yeah, maybe, somehow I don't see it as a big deal, nothing happened...
T: yes, because it was normal life for you..."

And when I just start analyzing the today's session...

[Chartres]

Wow, I'm so sorry that you went through all that as a kid.

I totally relate to how difficult it is to get the words out. And to hear T's reaction and start to realize how truly horrific the abuse was. And to feel anxiety before sessions and have difficulty processing afterwards. To whatever extent possible, try to be gentle with yourself right now.

[HazelGirl]

It is so hard. I am so sorry.

[sweepy62]

Wow, im so sorry, that must have been horrible.

[PeeJay]

You didn't deserve that! I'm so sorry. Therapy must be hard, too.

[liveinspired]

I'm so sorry. It is hard indeed to just thinking about facing things, but doing it as well. Again, I am sorry for what you're going through and dealing with.

[RTerroni]

Very sorry that happened