i hate that word-transference

melania · Jun 24, 2014 at 04:52 AM

I hate this word transference.
When we feel affection it doesnt mean that we transfer this feelings from someone to therapist. Therapist also is a person who we can love or hate because of him/her not because of someone else...

Personally i always understand when i transfer my feelings to someone (in a real world it also happens) and those people remind me of another people. So okay its transference and it can happen outside therapy too.
I know for sure that my feelings for my t is not transference but i have felt transference to other people and i even understood that its fake feelings just because this person totally reminds me of someone else.

I hate when people are slaves of theory, every situation is different.

Raging Quiet · Jun 24, 2014 at 05:09 AM

Transference can go very deeply. Some T's refuse to encourage whereas some use it as a basis to do all the work. I hate the word to, I respect my t as a person, a separate entity; although I have had transference issues with her in the past and her with me.

Jun 24, 2014 at 06:07 AM

Slave to theory? Unyet you're actually doing the enslaving by suggesting being comfortable with a theory can only mean enslavement.

HazelGirl · Jun 24, 2014 at 08:16 AM

Melania, I do think your feelings started out as transference, but because of all your T did to you, it became more. Which is why you're so confused and hurting now.

melania · Jun 24, 2014 at 08:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Melania, I do think your feelings started out as transference, but because of all your T did to you, it became more. Which is why you're so confused and hurting now.

It started like attraction like its always when i meet man who is young and attractive and when we have good contact. Who cares he is my workmate, schoolmate, guy from church or living next to my house or my doctor. No matter who he is, i find him attractive from the first sight and its just normal. And when i go into deep conversations with attractive man and felt connection between us i fall in love more and more each day

Perna · Jun 24, 2014 at 09:09 AM

I let my T worry about transference and what it is/is not and only pay attention when she mentions it so I can look at what she is seeing. It is not something I "care" about otherwise. I go to a therapist when I am having a hard time working with myself by myself. If I could adequately do therapy with myself, analyze my transference, why would I pay a professional to do it?

freefallin · Jun 24, 2014 at 11:49 AM

I always thought the concept of transference was mystical nonsense as a psych minor. Do people project their feelings onto others sometimes? Sure. Is it a mystical concept that occurs only in therapy? No. Is it possible to simply be angry at a therapist because he or she is being a crappy therapist or to have a crush on a therapist because he or she is attractive? Duh.

CameraObscura · Jun 24, 2014 at 12:04 PM

When I read this, my brain helpfully said, "It's okay if you don't believe in transference, it believes in you!"

Not saying that applies to you, but it made me laugh. My brain is a bit of a jerk.

melania · Jun 24, 2014 at 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CameraObscura

When I read this, my brain helpfully said, "It's okay if you don't believe in transference, it believes in you!"

Not saying that applies to you, but it made me laugh. My brain is a bit of a jerk.

I dont say that i dont believe in trasference but it stupid to think that all our feelings for our ts is transference! Sometimes yes it is but not always and not often. Maybe if i had attractive dentist i also could fall in love with him. The same about therapists.

Jun 24, 2014 at 12:46 PM

I'm going by memory, so correct me if I'm vague on the details, but didn't you hurt yourself over your therapist? Didn't you threaten to harm yourself pretty much expecting him to rescue you? I seem to remember something about nearly throwing yourself down a flight of stairs or something (hope I don't have you confused with someone else). That isn't normal, healthy attraction. That is pretty clearly some form of transference going on: that fear of abandonment; that hope to be rescued.

CameraObscura · 01:24 PM

How well do you know your therapist?

I'm asking because my thinking is this: my therapist listens to me, focuses on me, and is unflappably gentle with me, the whole time I spend with him. If I started to feel like I was falling for him, that would make sense, especially if I were physically attracted. But - I don't really know him. I don't know what he's like when he walks out of his office, I don't know what he's like when he's cranky and tired and needy. I don't deal with his needs the way his friends and family do. Since I only know his professional face, I'd be feeling love for his professional face, and that gets into transference territory.

I do believe there's a kind of real love that develops with therapists and clients who work together for a long time, but that it is contained in the therapeutic frame and within the appropriate boundaries. I don't think that is transference. They feel different.

My .02.

Perna · Jun 24, 2014 at 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by melania

Maybe if i had attractive dentist i also could fall in love with him.

Attraction is instinct, not about "Love". Yes, one can choose to follow through on any attraction they wish to but most do not choose to do that when it is not likely to go anywhere. Real love requires a lot of work and mutual commitment. Relating to and enjoying another person and working with them and being in their company, etc., even being attracted to them sexually is not "love" that one pursues despite what the other wants or the circumstances dictate. A one-sided "love" of that nature is obsession or stalking.

CameraObscura · Jun 24, 2014 at 01:15 PM

I'm feeling all wordy today, and am avoiding cleaning my house.

I don't want to imply that I think your feelings aren't real, or aren't intense. They are real, and they are intense. I don't want to sound dismissive.

melania · Jun 24, 2014 at 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I'm going by memory, so correct me if I'm vague on the details, but didn't you hurt yourself over your therapist? Didn't you threaten to harm yourself pretty much expecting him to rescue you? I seem to remember something about nearly throwing yourself down a flight of stairs or something (hope I don't have you confused with someone else). That isn't normal, healthy attraction. That is pretty clearly some form of transference going on: that fear of abandonment; that hope to be rescued.

Im not normal, never was

i regret all stupid things i have done in hysteria and then do it again. Not only with my t. I have done things i cant forgive myself. But when it happened i was out of my mind, i didnt think and i really cant remember this and how it happened.

I didnt take meds but now im taking and it helped after first 3 days. Sometimes people go insane and they need medication. I suffer from delusions and at the day i was trying to kill myself i even heard voices. When i think about i ask myself what a hell i was doing this. Such a shame i cant forgive myself my stupitness but im not God and just cant turn back the time....

Jun 24, 2014 at 01:55 PM

I wasn't saying YOU aren't normal. I was responding to your idea that your attraction to your therapist might just be normal attraction. Nothing you've ever described about your interactions with your therapist seems to point that your attraction is just a simple attraction for him.

melania · Jun 24, 2014 at 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CameraObscura

How well do you know your therapist?

I'm asking because my thinking is this: my therapist listens to me, focuses on me, and is unflappably gentle with me, the whole time I spend with him. If I started to feel like I was falling for him, that would make sense, especially if I were physically attracted. But - I don't really know him. I don't know what he's like when he walks out of his office, I don't know what he's like when he's cranky and tired and needy. I don't deal with his needs the way his friends and family do. Since I only know his professional face, I'd be feeling love for his professional face, and that gets into transference territory.

I do believe there's a kind of real love that develops with therapists and clients who work together for a long time, but that it is contained in the therapeutic frame and within the appropriate boundaries. I don't think that is transference. They feel different.

My .02.

I know for 3 years. I hate to focus on myself, i dont need a robot who just sits there and listens to me and says he cares about me.
I dont know how well i know him and what exatly i have to know about him to know him well. He is honest to me and told me also some personal things.
I know what person who is outside an office because his workmate told me (i know its not good but his workmate was the first who started to talk about him).
There are things that i like and what i dislike in him but it doesnt change the fact that i truly love him.

melania · Jun 24, 2014 at 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perna

Attraction is instinct, not about "Love". Yes, one can choose to follow through on any attraction they wish to but most do not choose to do that when it is not likely to go anywhere. Real love requires a lot of work and mutual commitment. Relating to and enjoying another person and working with them and being in their company, etc., even being attracted to them sexually is not "love" that one pursues despite what the other wants or the circumstances dictate. A one-sided "love" of that nature is obsession or stalking.

I agree with you.
But love starts with attraction. We can find attractive more than just one person but attractiob can fade away very fast or it can be turned to love. I love him. At first i see him as atractive man and had great contact, felt so good with himm (he was my psychiatrist who i saw officially for 15 minutes but sometimes longer, he wasnt my therapists at the begining ) and when he became my therapist i saw him every week not twice a mounth and then i start to feel something more than just attraction, i fell in love with him and now my f feelings are grown stronger.
So im sure its not transference.

CameraObscura · Jun 24, 2014 at 02:51 PM

If you've fallen in love with him, you should move on to another therapist.

melania · Jun 24, 2014 at 02:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I wasn't saying YOU aren't normal. I was responding to your idea that your attraction to your therapist might just be normal attraction. Nothing you've ever described about your interactions with your therapist seems to point that your attraction is just a simple attraction for him.

You are right -Its not simple attraction. Its love. I just said that it started with attraction. He didnt remind anyone else and i didnt transfer anyone else on him.

I know that my activities werent normal but i was out of my mind when i did this. I confess myself i was insane but now its getting better.

SabinaS · Jun 25, 2014 at 04:32 AM

Melania, transference is complicated and it isn't really limited to therapy. When we fall in love with people, we are projecting all the time, and taking projections in - it's the same thing; only in therapy, the T should be aware of his own 'stuff' and so, rather than project back to you, allows you to project/transfer your stuff to him, in a safe environment. That's pretty much what analytic type therapies are based on - the therapist/patient relationship. A lot of transference/projections are unconscious, he might not remind you physically of someone but the dynamic between you could be playing out something which is still unconscious. Therapy is partly about surfacing some of those unconscious fantasies because then we can know ourselves better.

That doesn't mean that your feelings are not real or invalidated. Love is love. But it is really not a good idea to have a romantic relationship with your T, so many reasons, as others have posted above. Ultimately it could be very damaging to you, even though it might feel like the only thing you want right now.

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i hate that word-transference

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Raging Quiet Cosmic Creeper Member Since Jan 2013 Location: Milky Way Posts: 2,080 11 1,229 hugs given	Jun 24, 2014 at 05:09 AM #2 Transference can go very deeply. Some T's refuse to encourage whereas some use it as a basis to do all the work. I hate the word to, I respect my t as a person, a separate entity; although I have had transference issues with her in the past and her with me.
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Anonymous37903 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 24, 2014 at 06:07 AM #3 Slave to theory? Unyet you're actually doing the enslaving by suggesting being comfortable with a theory can only mean enslavement.
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HazelGirl Elder Member Since Jan 2014 Location: USA Posts: 5,248 10 91 hugs given	Jun 24, 2014 at 08:16 AM #4 Melania, I do think your feelings started out as transference, but because of all your T did to you, it became more. Which is why you're so confused and hurting now. __________________ HazelGirl PTSD, Depression, ADHD, Anxiety Propranolol 10mg as needed for anxiety, Wellbutrin XL 150mg
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CameraObscura Member Member Since Nov 2013 Location: USA Posts: 321 11 136 hugs given	Jun 24, 2014 at 12:04 PM #8 When I read this, my brain helpfully said, "It's okay if you don't believe in transference, it believes in you!" Not saying that applies to you, but it made me laugh. My brain is a bit of a jerk.
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CameraObscura Member Member Since Nov 2013 Location: USA Posts: 321 11 136 hugs given	Jun 24, 2014 at 01:15 PM #13 I'm feeling all wordy today, and am avoiding cleaning my house. I don't want to imply that I think your feelings aren't real, or aren't intense. They are real, and they are intense. I don't want to sound dismissive.
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Anonymous100110 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 24, 2014 at 01:55 PM #15 I wasn't saying YOU aren't normal. I was responding to your idea that your attraction to your therapist might just be normal attraction. Nothing you've ever described about your interactions with your therapist seems to point that your attraction is just a simple attraction for him.
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CameraObscura Member Member Since Nov 2013 Location: USA Posts: 321 11 136 hugs given	Jun 24, 2014 at 02:51 PM #18 If you've fallen in love with him, you should move on to another therapist.
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