Only starting to feel the grief

After 5 months of intensive work with my therapist, I accepted that I had outgrown therapy and had met all my therapeutic goals. I terminated in April.

I know there is no right or wrong way to handle what happens post-termination. I've texted my former therapist a few times about whether he thinks we'll see each other someday in the future. I was frustrated when I got no response. He did not respond to texts even when I was still in therapy with him, so I don't know what I was hoping to gain by doing that. Reassurance, maybe? Perhaps I was avoiding having to start grieving the end of the relationship? I soon realised I was being stupid and impatient for agonising over his silence, because ideally, relationships evolve naturally and organically and should not be forced. Do I feel guilty about sending those texts? Not at all. It was simply part of the unscripted process of termination.

My last contact with him was through a letter I wrote at the end of May. In the letter I acknowledged that we did indeed have a strong bond and that I was receptive to his suffering too, but unfortunately the therapeutic framework prevented me from doing anything about it. I tried to make it clear that I intended to leave on good terms, and that I'd be happy to see him socially in the future if things ever go that way.

Two weeks after I wrote that letter, so many things happened -- all out of my control -- and I spiraled into another deep depression. This time I didn't have support from a therapist, and so I drew upon other resources to help me cope (crisis phone lines, short-term counseling, calling friends). It has not been easy, but I am managing.

All of this has evoked intense feelings regarding my former therapist. I feel guilty for ending therapy even though he didn't want to. I feel guilty for hurting his feelings. But therapy should be about me. I ended it because I felt I was ready to leave. His feelings shouldn't matter. But how could I be so cold to another human being?

Today I deleted documents on my computer that I had written for myself while I was in therapy. I'm going to put my journals containing my thoughts about my former therapist in a box. This apparent hole in my chest feels all too familiar -- it is, as anticipated, the unmistakeable feeling of grief. Why does it feel like a close friend has died? I can only imagine how my former therapist is feeling. I wonder how he is coping? I wonder if therapists miss their clients to the same degree that we miss them?

They do feel grief, but not in the same way. We feel it because we feel close to them emotionally. They feel it because they want to see us succeed, and when we quit too quickly, they don't get to see us being our best selves. I am fairly certain he was never angry at you for quitting, and that he has been able to handle his emotions. It's not your responsibility to take care of the emotions of your T.

I wonder if you're projecting some of the feelings of grief and upset about termination on to your therapist to help you manage the intensity of the leaving. And feeling guilty to mask your longing to see him again. It's hard to leave a supportive therapist, even if you feel like you've made good progress, doubly so when you're depressed due to some reversal. And if you're imagining a social interaction to ease your discomfort, because therapists and clients don't really go on to have any social contact except in extraordinarily rare cares.

It sounds like you're not quite resolved yet, because you've been suffering, especially with the difficult recent events.

I hope you find some peace.

Perhaps you feel it's best to not go back, and if so, I respect that, but if you're struggling with a deep, unexpected depression, I wonder if you might find it helpful for a bit, or even to have a session for closure and to cement your gains so you feel a bit better about closing the relationship.

it sounds like you need to go back to therapy. you said you spiraled into a depression. why dont you call him back?

Your interpretations seem all very reasonable and sensible -- thank you. What complicates things is that my former therapist and I did acknowledge our potential to interact socially while I was still in therapy, and there was a mutual agreement there. Neither of us needed to be explicit to communicate what we were feeling. I guess I just need to trust that connection and stop agonising over when I'll see him again. I left therapy knowing I'd need to go through the process of grieving the end of the therapeutic relationship and of finding a new therapist. I'm determined to get through it. It just sucks to be in the midst of it.

I think the depression I am feeling now is perfectly normal. I went through the same thing following a break-up last year, so I know I can manage this round of emotions regarding my former therapist. I wasn't expecting therapy to rid me of depression completely -- I think I'll always have it (I have had it for 10 years), so my job is to know how to manage it.

Regarding having an extra closure session, we had 4 sessions to wrap things up, which I felt was enough. I know I'd still be feeling the same way even if our ending was extended beyond those 4 sessions. Termination is never an easy process.

Yes, I did spiral into a depression, but it was more related to the fact that I got kicked out of the house I was renting (it got sold) and had some financial benefits taken away. All of that happened two weeks after I terminated therapy, so the timing was rather unfortunate. I don't want to call him back because I think it would encourage feelings of neediness and dependency within me again. Isn't that why some therapists discourage out-of-session contact? So that their clients can learn to be strong when they can't be there to support them?

Some dependency isn't always a bad thing. In fact, some T's encourage an amount neediness, as long as you're still an adult and taking care of your adult responsibilities. You would have to become very needy and dependent to make it "not okay".