Finally told my T everything and didn't get much help

I finally told my T. today that I feel close to her and do not like it. I told her I was nervous (which I never am) and that I probably needed to tell her something for my sake. I reminded her of a text I sent a few weeks ago about not liking to WANT to see her. I told her I still feel that way and don't want to. She asked why and I said it's hard for me to feel close to her when it's not a typical relationship. It's within 4 walls and by appointment. Not sure in what order but we talked about why I feel close and I said probably due to everything I've told her, us getting along well, having the same sense of humor & personality. We are around the same age and really do have a lot of fun talking. She talked about the ethics and how we can't have a friendship or be seen outside of therapy. Interestingly enough I hadn't asked for that.
She asked why I would want to end therapy and I said that I'm pretty independent and don't want to see her the rest of my life. LOL I told her I think about her too much in between sessions and don't want to. She asked what would happen if I stopped therapy. I looked at her strangely and said "we'd stop talking". She looked at me like "yes! and...." and then she said yes, we would stop talking. I then realized yikes I wouldn't talk to her again until I needed her. It's like she wanted me to realize that. I don't remember what she asked but my answer was that I have thought about whether I would want her as a friend or T and I had decided T. I told her that while we get along great, I really don't know her outside of the walls and recognize she could be different. She said she's not. I wanted her to tell me we wouldn't get along or something. At one point she said "it's a shame I don't like you" and laughed letting me know that she does. She said it is all very hard.
So, the problem is she never said how to help my feelings, whether it would go away with time, whether this was part of the process, etc. For the first time I REALLY didn't want to leave her office and had this really sad look on my face. Even with my disclosure, she still talked about her kids and told me some funny stories. So, I guess it's nice that she didn't push me away. But, I almost wanted her to. In fact, once I said I want her as a T, she almost let down more boundaries. She seemed even more comfortable, teasing me (in our usual fashion) and just overall more relaxed. Maybe she now feels she doesn't have to worry about me wanting a friendship.
So, I don't feel much better and want to text her tomorrow to ask her how to fix it. I don't see her for 2 weeks and I want to SOLVE this! Advice???

Does sound like part of the process!! Can you stick it out a while longer and see where it goes?

It's not something to solve. It's normal and healthy, and I would be worried if you didn't feel that way.

What you're describing is attachment, a safe sense of closeness you should develop with all your close friends and family. It's not bad and nothing is wrong with you.

I don't plan to leave her but staying is painful right now. I just want answers on how to move past this. I think about it too much and, again, want to FIX it. She also asked if I had any close friends. I said a few best friends but they aren't nurturing. I told her I am probably good friends with them because they are like me. She mentioned finding someone nurturing but I told her I'm pretty picky. LOL And, again, I didn't expect all these feelings with her since I've seen her off and on for 4 years. But, these past 2 months I've seen her the most and gotten to know her the best.

It's interesting...I've been wondering why I feel this with her and NOT my close friends and family. Why should she be any different?

You just said your other friends aren't nurturing...so that's probably a good reason.

Also, if I remember correctly, your family has major issues. You probably didn't (and don't) feel safe enough to let your guard down around them.

I feel this too - I have many friends who are all great but none of them feel nurturing and this is what I crave from T. I know it's wrong and i won't get what i want - but I can't walk away (yet). It is so painful. I relate to your post so much, soccermom.