[rainbow8]

First thing my T wanted me to do was a check in of my body. She usually asks me that. So, she was wearing a skirt and looking pretty again. I was fidgety and hitting my hands on the couch and she wanted me to keep doing that. I wanted to tell her how she was making me feel but I couldn't say the words. She helped by asking "is it about feeling attracted to me?"

She asked the same questions about who said it's wrong and if I ever wanted to have sex with women. It's only for Ts but she still thinks I could be bisexual and told me not to judge myself.

We talked bout my shame feelings. Even though I don't understand, she says the SE will help me. She said I've had years of talk therapy already.

I finally said the "Where in your body question" has the answer I don't want to say--the sexual place. I said I'm afraid she'll stop holding my hand again.

No, and she said the hand holding is for a specific reason. Do I know what it is? My response. "It's to calm my nervous system so I'll be able to do it on my own without you, so I can walk out of here,say good riddance and be done with therapy. Did I get it right?" She smiled.

We only held hands for about 5 minutes. T asked how I felt. I was calmer, and said the other part was next to me.

I was okay but not sure I understand something and if she does. I said I felt aroused but that doesn't mean I want to have sex with her. Does that make sense or not? Attracted to her means the same, unless I'm in denial. I wish I didn't have to wait 2 weeks to discuss it more. She knows I feel icky about my body.

[glok]

Hello, rainbow8. It seems you and your therapist are working you way through a topic that needed to be addressed.

Does your therapist know everything you have told us? If not, why not?

[HazelGirl]

I do understand the feeling of being aroused but definitely not wanting to have sex. I felt it for a mentor of mine. I came to the conclusion that it was because he was a safe person to feel those feelings towards. He wouldn't take advantage of me, or hurt me, or act on them. Could it be something similar for you?

[sweepy62]

I agree with hazelgirl , it's the safety feeling that can bring up those arousal feelings. When I had transference with male ptsd t, I was aroused but did not want to be intimate with him.

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[Leah123]

Hi Rainbow, I've been wondering if you've been channeling your desire for intimacy that isn't met by your husband and that you've decided not to act on elsewhere, into therapy- if therapy's the holding place for your relationship desires and hopes (erotic, romantic, and nurturing), since it seems you may not give them an outlet elsewhere.

If that's the case, it doesn't surprise me how charged your therapy sounds in this post and the last, and lots of the past ones actually.

I will tell you, I do know how those embarrassing sessions feel: I still remember ones from when I was a teenager. I am bi and had an older, wise-looking, soft butch type I'm drawn to, therapist. That was a real mess as she wasn't trained nearly enough to deal with me and there were a lot of ugly complications. She was an intern though, and I was in a bad space, good thing your T sounds really stable and competent!!

[feralkittymom]

I wanted to tell her how she was making me feel

It sounds like she's encouraging you to own these feelings rather than fight and judge them. A start might be to recognize that she doesn't "make" you feel anything: these are your feelings that you're projecting or attaching to her. They may or may not be about her at all.

[iheartjacques]

You are so brave. I would die before I admit I have the hots for my T to his face.

[Favorite Jeans]

That really is brave of you. I have totally dodged "where in your body" type questions when the answer is embarrassing to me.

[unaluna]

The crotchal area is just the crotchal area. It doesnt have any great powers of discernment, just because it might be hard to get started sometimes. Women will accuse men of thinking with their little brains, yet our corresponding ladyparts are simultaneously at genius-level and totally uncomplicated. Riiiiiiight...

[iheartjacques]

when you look at our chakras, they start at the genital area = male/female, and then work their way up our body to our heads.

[iheartjacques]

Am I the only one that gets a little tingle "down there" as well as in my palms and feet when I'm really excited or nervous?

[Bells129]

Wow, well done for telling her that! That's so brave of you. I could never tell my T any of that.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by hankster

The crotchal area is just the crotchal area. It doesnt have any great powers of discernment, just because it might be hard to get started sometimes. Women will accuse men of thinking with their little brains, yet our corresponding ladyparts are simultaneously at genius-level and totally uncomplicated. Riiiiiiight...

Of course now i want to get a little graduation cap and tassel for mine...

[TheWell]

Laughing out loud at the graduation tassel idea...

As for feeling aroused your body does what it wants. You don't control that. It's not shameful to feel aroused it just feels like it is when it pops up when we are not expecting it. Ask any poor teenage boy trying to get through high school. It can be very awkward and uncontrollable.

It sounds like your T is awesome and is aware of all of this. You are very lucky to have a great T.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by glok

Hello, rainbow8. It seems you and your therapist are working you way through a topic that needed to be addressed.

Does your therapist know everything you have told us? If not, why not?

Hi, glok. I tell my T MORE than I post here. Was there a reason you thought maybe I didn't?

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I do understand the feeling of being aroused but definitely not wanting to have sex. I felt it for a mentor of mine. I came to the conclusion that it was because he was a safe person to feel those feelings towards. He wouldn't take advantage of me, or hurt me, or act on them. Could it be something similar for you?

I don't know. That could be the reason. I think it's a combination of attachment, physical attraction, sexual need, and intimacy. Thanks for your suggestion.

Originally Posted by sweepy62

I agree with hazelgirl , it's the safety feeling that can bring up those arousal feelings. When I had transference with male ptsd t, I was aroused but did not want to be intimate with him.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Maybe it IS about safety. Could be my body and mind react that way and I'm not conscious of why.

Originally Posted by Leah123

Hi Rainbow, I've been wondering if you've been channeling your desire for intimacy that isn't met by your husband and that you've decided not to act on elsewhere, into therapy- if therapy's the holding place for your relationship desires and hopes (erotic, romantic, and nurturing), since it seems you may not give them an outlet elsewhere.

If that's the case, it doesn't surprise me how charged your therapy sounds in this post and the last, and lots of the past ones actually.

I will tell you, I do know how those embarrassing sessions feel: I still remember ones from when I was a teenager. I am bi and had an older, wise-looking, soft butch type I'm drawn to, therapist. That was a real mess as she wasn't trained nearly enough to deal with me and there were a lot of ugly complications. She was an intern though, and I was in a bad space, good thing your T sounds really stable and competent!!

You may have hit the target, Leah. I've always had someone unavailable to fantasize about getting those needs met: erotic, romantic, and nurturing. First it was men, then it was my female Ts. That's my pattern. It doesn't seem to matter if it's a man or a woman. So, I still don't get if that means I'm bisexual or not. It doesn't really matter since I'm not going to act on it with anyone, but I just wish I knew! I sometimes wondered if it would have been better with a woman because she would know what feels good, but romantic/sexual fantasies have been about men, not women. It's that T is all of that to me, what you said. My T is stable and competent. I think she was a little "off" last year when she was going through her divorce and she couldn't "handle" holding my hand, but these conversations about sex and attraction to her don't phase her a bit.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I wanted to tell her how she was making me feel

It sounds like she's encouraging you to own these feelings rather than fight and judge them. A start might be to recognize that she doesn't "make" you feel anything: these are your feelings that you're projecting or attaching to her. They may or may not be about her at all.

That's a good point. Yes, my T has always told me not to judge myself and to accept all of my parts. That's basic IFS theory. It's hard not to judge myself.

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

You are so brave. I would die before I admit I have the hots for my T to his face.

Thanks. We've talked about it before so it's a little easier. She knows I have a part who is "in love with her." Parts doesn't mean DID, just a part according to IFS, internal family systems therapy. I think I have a male T it would actually easier to tell him because it would be more expected.

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

That really is brave of you. I have totally dodged "where in your body" type questions when the answer is embarrassing to me.

This is the first time I actually told her, though I didn't use the right terminology. A "sex place" is about all I could say, but that was hard to say. She keeps asking and asking those questions so I've gotten used to them, sort of. I don't like thinking about my body and T knows it!!

Originally Posted by hankster

The crotchal area is just the crotchal area. It doesnt have any great powers of discernment, just because it might be hard to get started sometimes. Women will accuse men of thinking with their little brains, yet our corresponding ladyparts are simultaneously at genius-level and totally uncomplicated. Riiiiiiight...

LOL, hankster. I can always depend on you to tell it like it is! Thank you.

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

when you look at our chakras, they start at the genital area = male/female, and then work their way up our body to our heads.

I don't know much about chakras though my yoga teacher has mentioned them. So, what does what you posted mean, exactly?

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

Am I the only one that gets a little tingle "down there" as well as in my palms and feet when I'm really excited or nervous?

When I'm nervous in therapy it happens, not in my palms and feet, though. So I don't know if it's sexual or nervousness, and I always have to go to the bathroom too. T knows that too.

Originally Posted by Bells129

Wow, well done for telling her that! That's so brave of you. I could never tell my T any of that.

Thanks, but I've told her some of it before. I don't think I blushed this time, though. It's getting a tiny bit easier, especially since she already knows about that part of me. I just haven't discussed it for a while.

Originally Posted by hankster

Of course now i want to get a little graduation cap and tassel for mine...

Originally Posted by TheWell

Laughing out loud at the graduation tassel idea...

As for feeling aroused your body does what it wants. You don't control that. It's not shameful to feel aroused it just feels like it is when it pops up when we are not expecting it. Ask any poor teenage boy trying to get through high school. It can be very awkward and uncontrollable.

It sounds like your T is awesome and is aware of all of this. You are very lucky to have a great T.

Yeah. I emailed T that my body feels things without my permission. In the session, we talked about how I still feel I'm around 11, 12, or 13. I never got comfortable with my body. Yuk. I told T I can finally say those words "my body" or even "body". We both laughed and said that was progress!! I'm writing this in hopes others can relate though it is making me .