[OneWorld]

Lately I've been wondering if therapy is really for me. I am really really bad at it! I have trouble talking about absolutely everything. I can't let down my guard so I act like things aren't a big deal when they really are. I spend entire sessions stressing out about not being able to talk about things. It must drive her crazy. We've been working together for a year now. She is constantly searching for ways to help me open up but it just doesn't work.

I don't really know why I'm posting - other than that my stomach is in knots thinking about my next session. Maybe I'm just not the kind of person who can talk about stuff. I've posted similar things in the past to get advice on how to get past it and I tried many of those. I have the most success writing it down before I go in but usually I still can't talk about much that is below the surface. It's ridiculous.

Can anyone else relate? If you're this way, did you ever get past it?

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[stopdog]

I do understand parts of what you are saying, and goodness knows any number of people think I do therapy wrong. I was not all that worried about the therapist and how she felt about it. If she did not like it, she could quit being the therapist I saw if she chose. I instead changed what I thought therapy was for and how I could best use the therapist. And I also see two of them. The second is much easier for me to talk to and does at least appear to understand some of the difficulties I have with the whole therapy thing. Her patience and non-hurry has helped. The first one I see sucked at that part.

[growlycat]

Yes-- early on in therapy I had a hard time even speaking about feelings. I come from a family that teased incessantly with any talk of feelings. I was so-self editing in the beginning, T had a hard time understanding me at all.

Just keep showing up to therapy and maybe show T what you wrote here. Sometimes it takes awhile to "settle down" in therapy.

[pbutton]

I am also like this. It has gotten slightly better with time. I just keep showing up and trying different things. I have spent a lot of time talking about how hard it is for me to share. Hang in there.

[OneWorld]

Self editing is a perfect description. I run everything over in my mind before I can say anything and usually I decide I just can't say whatever it is.

I go in with full intentions of being open. She has tried many techniques, I have tried many techniques ... It just doesn't seem to be fixing it.

I was thinking the other day that I sure am spending a lot of money to not talk to her - but I just can't fix it.

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[stopdog]

I think it can take more time for some than others. Even years.

[OneWorld]

Ugh. I'm certain i don't have the patience for years of this. lol

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[aabdfi112358]

Hang in there. Are you comfortable with this therapist, as in do you "click?" If not, then maybe you can try changing therapists (if you are comfortable though, just give it time! and it might help to constantly remind yourself that a therapist's job is to TALK ABOUT FEELINGS, as in, they are totally ok with that and won't judge you for it). I personally clicked with my first therapist (I got so lucky!!), but a friend I know had to try several therapists before finally clicking with one.

[OneWorld]

I do feel like we "click" - I think I would quit rather than doing this all over again with someone new.

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[roimata]

I've done a "disappearing act" for weeks/months at a time just to avoid talking about things. I just set up my first session after vanishing for a month in a half because she wants to get into deeper work.

I can't offer any helpful input about ways to accommodate your concerns (since you have mentioned having already discussed it with your therapist), but I can certainly relate. What helps me sometimes is writing what I need to say on a dry-erase board and letting her read it. Being able to make the words "go away" with the eraser makes me more comfortable sharing. Best of luck.

[SeptemberRain]

I can really relate. It's been so hard for me to open up to my T too. It's taken me a long time to feel a little more comfortable and less anxious when I'm in her office. I think it just takes time, which varies for each individual. It's good that you click with her. Maybe it'll just take more time? When I would leave feeling really frustrated at myself for not being able to talk more, my T would constantly try to get me to have more compassion and acceptance with myself. Perhaps it'll help if you aren't so hard on yourself and let yourself take as much time as needed.

[OneWorld]

My T tells me to be easier on myself too but that's hard to do! I'm an adult - I should be able to force myself to do this!

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[guilloche]

Oh wow... hi OneWorld! When I started therapy, I was VERY much like that. In fact, I cycled through quite a few therapists... the last one, I saw for THREE years, and never really opened up.

I wish I had some great advice for you... I don't, but I have a few ideas. I don't know if any will work for you, but feel free to try any that sound interesting, and toss the rest!

- Do you know more about why you're afraid to talk? For me, I was in a place where all I felt was overwhelming FEAR. I couldn't even tell you what I was afraid of, it was just BIG HUGE FEAR. I wish my Ts had been a bit more clued in to that, and maybe helped work with that instead.

I've just started with a new T... and one thing that seems to be helping me is that I'm focused on some clear goals in the present. I'm not trying to figure out how to force myself to talk about horrible, painful, scary stuff in my past... but I'm talking about what's happening NOW (which for me, right now, is much less scary!).

Some of it is still hard to admit (like that I had no one I could call after my car accident), but it's still easier than diving into all the bad memories. Do you have anything related to the present you can deal with? Even something simple... I suspect that dealing with smaller, easier issues is a good way to build up more trust with a T (i.e. you can start to see how they react to things you say, and if they react in ways that are helpful and make you feel cared about, you may feel safer talking about slightly bigger things... and it progresses from there). It's an idea.

I also think... someone once told me (or I read, I can't remember where), that I basically have a phobia of thinking about/talking about the trauma I experienced. It's not just that "there's this awful memory that I'm not comfortable sharing" - it's that, frankly, I'm not comfortable thinking about it anyway or allowing it into my consciousness (so of course TALKING about it is right out!) The problem is, that then I get scared to talk about anything that might be even slightly related, or that might give clues about the trauma to a T. I just want to stay as far away from that section of my brain as possible... but since T doesn't know that that thing is there, they sometimes accidentally run into it. Ouch.

I don't know a good way to get around this. With previous Ts, I tried warning them (!) - I told them there's some bad stuff and I don't want to talk about it yet, and please don't ask - but I actually think that made THAT particular T more curious and pokey. Not good, so no wonder I was terrified all the time in there.

Hopefully your T is better than that! It would be a good thing to talk about (if that applies to you at all). It would give her a chance to show how respectful she can be of your wishes, and you might feel safer knowing some things are off-limits until you're ready to talk about them, maybe? Hmm... I also wonder if you could talk to T about setting up a way... if you're talking about something and it gets to be too much or her questions are too hard, for you to have a way to communicate that you don't want to go there - and if you and her can practice that a little so you'll see that she'll respect it. (She could ask you something silly, "If you had to make a dress for a pink flamingo, what color would it be?" and you could say, "I don't want to talk about that!" and let her change the subject!)

I also wonder... how close do you feel to her? Would it help to spend some time just chatting with her, asking a bit about herself (if she's open to that)? Like why she became a T, where she studied, what she finds difficult about her job, etc? Sometimes stuff like that can give you a better sense of a person, which makes it easier to open up to them. I also find that I can talk more openly to someone who is being open about themself. It might be that they're "modeling" open communication, or it might just be that it's a natural thing to open up and share with someone who is clearly open to sharing with you.

I guess one final thought... when I think about where I was when I couldn't talk, as I said, it felt like this different state of being - very scared. Is there anything you can do that would help you feel more present/grownup/confident/grounded? My first visit to this new T - I was almost shaking with fear. But, he had a radio on in his waiting room playing local radio. They played a pretty awful rap song! I thought, "omg what kind of therapist puts RAP in their waiting room?" - it actually made me think, "this guy must NOT be that great" - which was very humanizing, and actually made it a bit EASIER for me to stay present and not drop into my scared place!!! (Weird, I know!!!) Maybe there's something that "triggers" you in a good way - to be more present? If so, could you try bringing that with you?

Good luck, and hang in there!

[rothfan6]

I feel the same way. My t is having to do most of the talking right now. There's so much I want to talk about but when it actually comes down to it I can't. He asked yesterday what was on mind my or how something feels and I just freeze. It took a few minutes to come up with something and it wasn't even that important or what I really needed to talk about.

[beestung]

If everyone could just drop their guard and talk openly most people wouldn't be in therapy for years even now, after three years, it takes me time to open up about things. Sometimes she has to prod me, sometimes I can do it myself but a lot of the time it's like a current that stays flowing underneath, and it comes out when I'm ready. Give yourself some credit, therapy can be hard.

[OneWorld]

Originally Posted by beestung

If everyone could just drop their guard and talk openly most people wouldn't be in therapy for years

That's true. It just feels like I should b doing better by now.

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[OneWorld]

Originally Posted by guilloche

For me, I was in a place where all I felt was overwhelming FEAR. I couldn't even tell you what I was afraid of, it was just BIG HUGE FEAR.

That's how it feels for me too. Just afraid. And so afraid that I can't articulate more than 'afraid'.

T is really patient with me - more patient than I am with me. But I'm not sure how long she will be able to be patient. I would have given up on me by now.

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