oh dear, I was talking in T yesterday about a situation that I THINK is happening, only to have T tell me she didn't think that was the case. I said, Is it all in my head?" she nodded. I can't believe how powerful the mind is. How much I am trapped in my past and replaying it and creating it in the TODAY, even down to having to have T be like my step mother. I see now that how matter this sounds crazy, its something I am doing, I am trying to control everything by having it exactly like IT WAS.

Each time for a moment I get a insight into what I'm doing and realise that today is not yesterday, it scares me! I feel like a child lost! because I dont know how to "be" in the here and now.

I feel as if I've been picked up and put somewhere that is so unfamiliar and its scary. I guess that stems back to being picked up and put with the "wrong" mother??

I had a dream last night that I was in a strange house, someone elses home and I so wanted to be in my own safe place but couldnt find it. Then I'm outside in a garden and I see the tripods from war of the worlds walking in the skyline and see a nuclear bomb about to drop and I can't communicate my fear to these people sitting in teh garden. I run inside for cover and the bomb drops, I am experiencing the moment when time as we know it ends!.

I hold on as the mushroom cloud shakes and sweeps everything away unyet I am left alive, alone. I am so afraid but dont know if its fear of being alive or fear having not died with everyone else.

I think I maybe going more insane before I become sane?

((( mouse )))

I have had similar experiences and it's surprising to learn what we do with our thoughts. It was hard for me to accept at first and I am now learning to question my perceptions and I'm sure you will too. It takes practice. I'm so glad your T was able to help you see it.

It's odd when the realization that we have created a scenaro in our minds sinks in.

It can feel like being lost, being in unfamiliar territory.

Sometimes it is like leaving one world and entering another.

Sometimes it's necessary to get rid of one world to live in the other.

It can seem huge and scary.

I think you had a powerful session. Just take it in without being judgemental toward yourself if you can. You learened something really good and you're defensively resisting it because it's not familiar which is completely understandable. It takes time. This is exciting, really! When you can learn to see it on your own and catch it early it will be relieving for you. Good work!

Keep hanging in there as the old dies away and you remain.

Thanks ((Echoes)) what you say makes a lot of sense. I just still am to in to the fear of it to feel anything postive yet. I guess this is "transistional"? we always have to mourne before we move on? I guess.

Mouse, I think it just..is. It doesn't even have to be named. . It's just there right now to be experienced and to think about and get familiar with. The old ways are very familiar and new ways take some time after introduction to become familiar, like becoming familiar with new people or places.

So, yeah, 'transistion' would be a good term for it ! Breakthrough could be too, as a new way of looking at something has broken through. That can be odd, scary, calming, exciting...all those and more.

It's a first layer. When you look at how you feel about it you'll find more layers I think.

I believe that in our fears are our desires and our dreams and that's why it's so important to look right at them rather than turn away from our fears...

Yeah I think we have to mourn. And sometimes we have to (speaking for myself here!) learn how to mourn. Mourning itself is a process with many layers, imo.

Mouse, I truly hope you can feel positive about your being able to see what your T was showing you and hoping you could see. It doesn't always work that way. That you were able to do that is a reason for celebration!

((mouse))

[(JD)]

(((mouse))) Yes it is transient, this lost feeling... and I agree that mourning has many layers... grief, anger, apathy, fear, acceptance....

And don't start me on the power of the mind! (heheh I love quantum physics et al) Schroedinger's cat comes to my mind ) But what is being proved is that the mere OBSERVING and PREDICTING what will happen, MAKES it happen.

I'm sorry you feel "crazy" and unsettled... yes it's new territory, but you're gonna love it! TC

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ECHOES said:
I believe that in our fears are our desires and our dreams and that's why it's so important to look right at them rather than turn away from our fears...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
ECHOES, that's very interesting. Could you give an example? Like say I am scared someone wants to do me harm. How does that embody my dreams and desires?

(((mouse))) I sometimes feel I completely fabricate situations in my head. By getting feedback from others, it helps me see what is true. What is their perception? You can use your T for this purpose. Sometimes I find that the perceptions I have that I am doubting, actually are true. I guess I have a hard time trusting my perceptions and thoughts sometimes. Sometimes they can be trusted, sometimes they can't.

Sunny, I think with that example of being afraid of physical harm it might depend on who the person is, my history with that person... It might be a completely reasonable fear of someone who has hurt me before and I should take steps to get away or stay away from, or it miight be that I fear this behavior from someone who has never hurt me in that way. Both examples show that I want to be safe, that I want caring and trustworthy people in my life, that I want to be treated with respect. The latter might show a desire for closeness/intimacy but that I don't know how to make it happen or that I stop it before it happens when I project my fearful thoughts to that person.

Interesting example. I have a history of being physically hurt and I do project that, scaring myself with it and preventing myself from good relationships and the intimacy, closeness I'd like. It was looking at my fear of people, complete strangers I'd see while out in public. One day instead of judging myself for it or distracting myself from it I just sat with it and experienced it. I came to realize that my fear was self-produced... in my head and not real. I was scaring myself with my thoughts. I discovered that I have a desire for closeness.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but there it is.

[sunrise]

Thank you, ECHOES, for explaining. I found what you wrote to be quite insightful.