[someone321]

Sorry, I didn't find the better title...
I know that probably I am not the only one who is afraid of changes which might occur due to the therapy but in this thread I don't mean mile-stone long-term changes but rather short-term, like what do you do on a daily matter when you realize that you could do something as you always do, which might not be the best option but seems realtively safe, or you could try to implement your knowledge or skills from the therapy which seems healthier but is also more risky?

TRIGGER! Abuse, csa etc.

Ok, so in two days I'm going "home" for the important family event (and I really want to be there), which means that I'll spend quite few days with around 15-20 family members including 4 of my abusers (TRIGGERING part is coming):
- guy1: makes me only feeling disgusted as he's just a typical old sick pedophile who isn't anyhow dangers anymore,
- guy2: this one I don't mind, I know that the quality is at least as important as the quantity but as it was short-term and he was just a young teenager, I'm quite okay with him,
- guy3: this one I hate and love at the same time the most, as he was the most sadistic and cruel one but on the other hand the closest one, so usually I hate him the whole time when I'm far away from him but whenever I see him I cannot hate him anymore so I just like him - I know, stupid me...
- guy4: that's the most terrifying one as he still looks at me like I was naked and makes me feeling like 12 years old... while I know that now there is no chance that I would allow him doing anything, it's still difficult to forget that he almost killed me 16 years ago, accidentally. accidentally means that he wanted just to scare me to death (which was not easy then) but things went out of his control and we both were lucky that he missed my backbone and that the lifeguard was very close. Happens, but it's not what one would expect from an adult... Thus, he's the unpredictable one with whom I know I cannot stay alone in one room etc...

But nevermind, the thing is that before the therapy I always was just pretending that nothing has ever happened, cutting off the past, just being careful about the guy4 and simply enjoying the time with family... Since I started therapy I've seen guys 3-4 twice but never all of them. And the first time I saw them when I was still seeing the previous (with not the best fit) T, who made me so angry just before leaving home that actually I spent Xmas on complaining to guy3 how terrible jerk my T was... The second time was at the beginning of my work with the current T so it was still okay... But now, I'm in the middle of work on trauma caused by these guys so I'm just confused...

I cannot decide whether I should again pretend that therapy doesn't exist, switch the mood to "it will be great" and just have fun, or I should rather follow T's suggestions about observing more the family dynamics and my thoughts/feelings, start journaling etc. I'm just afraid that I might go too far and simply want to confront all of them and just cause a big mess, or probably I am even more afraid that I won't be able to manage staying there and following T's suggestions as it will just be too much and will destroy me... Hmmm... Any ideas?

PS. Wow! So long post and no single emoticon! I hope SD that you are proud of me (just kidding... or not?)

[glok]

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.” ~Mary Anne Radmacher

Hello, someone321. It takes a lot of courage to do what you are attempting. Please remember to make your well-being the top priority. If it gets to be too much, just leave. Staying in a toxic place serves no useful purpose.

I wish you well.

[HazelGirl]

If it's any help, either way, you will survive it. They can't hurt you anymore.

[waiting4]

I agree with glok.....and that is what the journaling is for if you can manage it. All the things you might feel and want to say, write them in the journal.....snarl at it if you need to....and like glok said...if it gets to be too much...leave.

[sweepy62]

Wow , you have survived the worst, I understand what your saying because your so conscious of it now, being that you are doing trauma work .

I would just go and journal your feelings and process them with t no one can hurt you now. Hugs.

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[unaluna]

I cant imagine being with these people. Ive been avoiding family contact for the past few years. Im not sure who i am, and i really dont know who they think i am. And its not something i particularly want to discuss. So i understand your ts advice to more lay low and watch the family dynamics and stick to making small talk about the food, weather, and politics! It should be safer. Good luck and take care.

[iheartjacques]

I think I would follow T's directions and follow your gut - leave if you have to.