[precaryous]

I feel like a monster. I feel I look like a monster.
I have perfected the art of not seeing myself when I pass mirrors.
I need this monster gone.

Thursday T and I talked about touch. I mentioned PrevGoodT's boundaries about touch- letting T know what I was used to in therapy. I realized I had not asked about T's boundaries. I had not considered what I wanted regarding touch in therapy. So I asked T's opinion about touch. She said that T's are sometimes trained differently and that she is a "hugger." But she goes by what is comfortable for the patient.

Then she asked me about touch with my dau and gson. I told her I used to be a hands on mom with dau. Dau. used to sometimes sleep in my bed. I used to hug her. It stopped as dau. grew older and moved out. I remember literally missing hugging her. It was a visceral emptiness. Skin hunger.

Everything changed sometime after that. I don't feel comfortable hugging dau. or gson. I don't feel comfortable letting them touch me. I don't even have much of a bond with gson.

I kept saying, "I know that's wrong of me."

T asked me, "Why?"

Minutes went by and all I could say is, "I don't know?" "I don't know?"

Then it painfully struck me. It's not them.

"I know why. It's me. Ohmygod, it's me."

The change happened after sexually abusive PDoc.

I turned into a monster.
I feel dirty. I feel smelly. When people touch me it makes me aware of my size...and I die inside.

I am a monster.
I am in pain.
I need this monster gone!

[kaliope]

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I have never thought so much about why I don't like people touching me. I just have always felt something was wrong with me. my kids thought it was funny. they would hug me and hold me because they thought it was funny to watch me have a panic attack. I knew it was wrong. they were only expressing affection. why couldn't I accept it. I just chalked it up to not being touchy feely. but I know my response is unreasonable. I just try not to think too much about it. I don't look in mirrors either. don't think about that one either. maybe I should bring this up to t on Monday. so know you are not alone. take care.

[precaryous]

Kali,
I'm sorry you are experiencing this.
Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.
They say explorations are important.
Regards,
Pre

[NowhereUSA]

i think we all struggle with demons, but the demons are not us. they are the things we wrestle.

sometimes my demons are stronger.

sometimes they are weaker.

but i think one day i will banish them.

[precaryous]

Now I'm curious. Does your T touch in therapy? Are they huggers?

[NowhereUSA]

my t sometimes will touch my shoulder or my arm. this last time he hugged me for the first time. i struggle with touch. a long time ago, i loved it and wanted it. i craved it. then i was isolated so often and i had a boyfriend who shamed me into doing what he wanted, and now... now i still need it, but i am afraid of it sometimes. i feel safe with my hubs and i do hug on my children, but i've noticed i have to be more deliberate and intentional.

perhaps i should ask for hugs in therapy. maybe it would help.

[junkDNA]

u are NOT the monster .

ur ex pdoc is the monster.

what happened is NOT ur fault, even if u wanted it to happen.

im sure u've heard this before.

but i need reminding too.

touch can be healing when done right and with care and gentleness.

but please..dont blame yourself.

believe me, i know the game too.

i know that we can overcome what has happened to us.

[TheWell]

I struggle with touch. My group T will pat my shoulder or rub my back if I'm having a really hard time. On my birthday he asked me if he could give me a birthday hug. it made me happy. It's hard when you rarely get touched and feel like it's because you are not love-able. I've asked for hugs a few times since and he gives them to me when I ask.

My one on one T has never touched me and since he hasn't initiated it I feel uncomfortable asking for it.

I have a coworker who I'm not very close to who is very touchy and she makes me uncomfortable. I guess for me it just depends on who it is for my comfort level.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

u are NOT the monster .

ur ex pdoc is the monster.

what happened is NOT ur fault, even if u wanted it to happen.

im sure u've heard this before.

but i need reminding too.

touch can be healing when done right and with care and gentleness.

but please..dont blame yourself.

believe me, i know the game too.

i know that we can overcome what has happened to us.

I have a hard time letting positive in.
T will say, "You are smart, kind, etc." and the words just bounce off of me.

[Depletion]

Aaahww precaryous now I know why my touch thread made you tear up.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by TheWell

I struggle with touch. My group T will pat my shoulder or rub my back if I'm having a really hard time. On my birthday he asked me if he could give me a birthday hug. it made me happy. It's hard when you rarely get touched and feel like it's because you are not love-able. I've asked for hugs a few times since and he gives them to me when I ask.

My one on one T has never touched me and since he hasn't initiated it I feel uncomfortable asking for it.

I have a coworker who I'm not very close to who is very touchy and she makes me uncomfortable. I guess for me it just depends on who it is for my comfort level.

Sometimes it helps if people ask for permission, like your group T. Then I could see it coming. But the feelings rarely get in.

I'm glad you are asking for what you need.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by precaryous

I have a hard time letting positive in.
T will say, "You are smart, kind, etc." and the words just bounce off of me.

i feel like this also. like if someone compliments me it just makes me paranoid. also i think i have a hard time hearing things that seem positive about me and my personality because it just triggers me. because i heard all of those things from my abuser. and it was all just a ploy to groom me into his deviant sexual plan. so yeah i understand that.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by Depletion

Aaahww precaryous now I know why my touch thread made you tear up.

Thank you so much! I couldn't remember the touch thread so I went back and read it. Yes, I see how my thoughts progressed from there.... I made a note to ask T about it after your touch thread....and now you're reading how that session went. Amazing.

Depletion, Thank you for helping me.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

i feel like this also. like if someone compliments me it just makes me paranoid. also i think i have a hard time hearing things that seem positive about me and my personality because it just triggers me. because i heard all of those things from my abuser. and it was all just a ploy to groom me into his deviant sexual plan. so yeah i understand that.

JunkDna,

I'm wondering if we have built this protective wall up to keep bad out...and it also keeps some of the good out, too?

I still don't know how to deal with it.

[HazelGirl]

You are not a monster. Something horrible was done to you. That isn't your fault and it doesn't change who you are. You are worth more than that, and you are not a monster.

[precaryous]

I see the Bariatric surgeon tomorrow for a f/u on my weight loss surgery. I feel desperate for a plan ...to do something more. I'm asking for a new plan tomorrow.

I have lost thirty pounds but the weight is not coming off as fast as it should. I need to lose more weight so I qualify for heart surgery.

Abusive PDoc has had a hand in my weight issue. I mean this with deepest respect: He did change who I was and who I was meant to be. I'm fighting to come back.

Sometimes I am tired of fighting. I told my T how serious I am feeling.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Sometimes I am tired of fighting. I told my T how serious I am feeling.

i know it is exhausting. i hope you can find some way to take a break. idk. lay under the covers and do nothing for a day. sometimes that helps me. to give myself permission to just hurt and not do anything else but hurt.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by precaryous

I see the Bariatric surgeon tomorrow for a f/u on my weight loss surgery. I feel desperate for a plan ...to do something more. I'm asking for a new plan tomorrow.

I have lost thirty pounds but the weight is not coming off as fast as it should. I need to lose more weight so I qualify for heart surgery.

Abusive PDoc has had a hand in my weight issue. I mean this with deepest respect: He did change who I was and who I was meant to be. I'm fighting to come back.

Sometimes I am tired of fighting. I told my T how serious I am feeling.

I disagree. We all have an inherent worth and value. Nothing anyone does to you or that you do to anyone else can change that. You are not a monster.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I disagree. We all have an inherent worth and value. Nothing anyone does to you or that you do to anyone else can change that. You are not a monster.

Thank you, HazelGirl.
Maybe you are right. Maybe what we *feel* is not necessarily a fact.
I hope so.
I value your opinion and posts very much.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Thank you, HazelGirl.
Maybe you are right. Maybe what we *feel* is not necessarily a fact.
I hope so.
I value your opinion and posts very much.

What we feel is almost never 100% fact. Sometimes, it's only a little off. Sometimes, it's a lot off. I believe that in this case, your feelings are way off and are being influenced by the trauma you have suffered through.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Thank you so much! I couldn't remember the touch thread so I went back and read it. Yes, I see how my thoughts progressed from there.... I made a note to ask T about it after your touch thread....and now you're reading how that session went. Amazing.

Depletion, Thank you for helping me.

Awww shucks, I just posted a thread

[AllyIsHopeful]

Our experiences may be very different but I can really relate to how you've described your feelings. The difference is that touch is soothing and comforting to me, for the most part, and I love hugs. But I also feel untouchable and can't understand why anyone would want to hug me. Like you mentioned, it has everything to do with an "I'm an icky, disgusting and dirty person" self-perception.

My T has demonstrated a good deal of touching and a few hugs, but both in the distant past. It's been about 6 months. I finally realized she has strong responses to negative vibrations and energy, which I tend to project when I'm feeling angry or distanced. I confronted her about it once and she said the way I've been coming into sessions, body language, and walking have suggested a desire for space and distance. The change made me feel more disgusting though, and I'm too embarrassed and nervous to bring it up again.

Just wanted to share my experience because I know these feelings could cause intense loneliness. I'm sorry you are experiencing this and I do hope you will begin healing and "escaping" from these monsters. Monsters and demons may be keeping you company, but that does NOT make you one of them.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by precaryous

I see the Bariatric surgeon tomorrow for a f/u on my weight loss surgery. I feel desperate for a plan ...to do something more. I'm asking for a new plan tomorrow.

I have lost thirty pounds but the weight is not coming off as fast as it should. I need to lose more weight so I qualify for heart surgery.

Abusive PDoc has had a hand in my weight issue. I mean this with deepest respect: He did change who I was and who I was meant to be. I'm fighting to come back.

Sometimes I am tired of fighting. I told my T how serious I am feeling.

Here is my update. It's embarrassing but maybe it can also help someone else:

I saw the Bariatric surgeon again today feeling like I have not done well at all. Well, you have already read how bad I feel.

Anyway, Doc greeted me with, "Good job! This is the best weight loss (per month) that you have had yet!"

I am stunned.

I lost six pounds this month. The average WL they are looking for after lapband surgery is 1-2 pounds a week. I thought I hadn't lost any weight. Doc made another band adjustment and said, "We are close to getting you to not feel hungry." He thinks I will have lost fifty total pounds by December. Presently I have fifty more pounds to go to reach my goal...and I can possibly be listed for heart surgery.

This is a lesson to me that the *monster in me* issue goes deeper than how much I weigh.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Here is my update. It's embarrassing but maybe it can also help someone else:

I saw the Bariatric surgeon again today feeling like I have not done well at all. Well, you have already read how bad I feel.

Anyway, Doc greeted me with, "Good job! This is the best weight loss (per month) that you have had yet!"

I am stunned.

I lost six pounds this month. The average WL they are looking for after lapband surgery is 1-2 pounds a week. I thought I hadn't lost any weight. Doc made another band adjustment and said, "We are close to getting you to not feel hungry." He thinks I will have lost fifty total pounds by December. Presently I have fifty more pounds to go to reach my goal...and I can possibly be listed for heart surgery.

This is a lesson to me that the *monster in me* issue goes deeper than how much I weigh.

Congratulations!

I think that feeling goes way, way deeper than weight.