[NowhereUSA]

does anyone else do this?

so last week was a really intense session. i've since sent a couple of very intense emails to my t. i'm not freaking out, but i do feel *tense* inside as though i am certain rejection is coming in some form. whether it's condescension or actual rejection.

i have a tendency not to get close to people because inevitably this happens. no matter how often i check the facts, i am always expecting to be rejected in some fashion. probably the only person i feel safe with is my husband and that's complicated to explain.

so tomorrow i see t. i sent him an e-mail this weekend telling him that i got rid of my pill stash and i'm committing to not killing myself and committing to therapy. what i really want is an email saying good job but i don't think i'll get it since that's just not part of our deal.

so i'm sitting here thinking, he's going to drop me. i made this commitment, i ditched my plan, and now he's going to be like, 'uh, let me give you a referral.' i worry about this partly because we had a boundary hiccup last week and i freaked out over it (see: intense emails).

this isn't who i like to be. i don't like to worry like this and i'm not given to bouts of fear and terror. externally i behave entirely like nothing's bothering me. inside i feel like i'm cowering in a corner.

this is frustrating.

part of me has half prepped a speech to give him in which i just go ahead and ask for a referral because i don't want to appear insecure.

[HazelGirl]

I understand. Just stick it out. Trust your T.

[Perna]

It is scary doing X and wanting Y, having the whole scenario as we think it might happen in our heads and thus waiting for the other shoe to drop. I remember when my stepmother got all sarcastic about how you don't get applause for making your bed, you're "supposed" to make your bed everyday. . . and how confusing that was to me for a long time. It wasn't necessarily the "good job" that I was looking for (which does sound stupid for making one's bed :-) but the "contact" and soothing in a new, to me, endeavor. The assurance that I was okay and my stepmother would be with me no matter what, etc. The "good job" just appears like shorthand for all that since I never had the close "it will be okay, I love you no matter what" relationship knowledge with my stepmother. Just acknowledge me, I don't care how, let me know I exist and you love me and will continue to love and care for me as I try to do these new things, cover this new territory I've never been to before! I'm scared, comfort me, hold my hand.

[NowhereUSA]

that's it - i want comfort. like - you did the right thing, yay! it does sound lame - good job not killing yourself, but i would like that kind of reassurance.

Just sitting with those feelings is difficult, but needed.

[coolibrarian]

Therapy is a place where you can practice new behaviors, and not get rejected. I encourage you to stay with your T, and work through your insecurities. Hugs.

[NowhereUSA]

yeah. the only reason i'm feeling this way is that i'm soooo sure my t is going to drop me. it's funny how i can be totally sure of something i have no evidence of. *sigh*

[SheHulk07]

Like you, I usually expect to be rejected, so I don't get too close to people. I've had to have both my therapists tell me flat out that the only way they'd reject me/terminate me were for x, y, & z. It's a battle I'm trying to work on.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by AmyFed07

Like you, I usually expect to be rejected, so I don't get too close to people. I've had to have both my therapists tell me flat out that the only way they'd reject me/terminate me were for x, y, & z. It's a battle I'm trying to work on.

i wonder if i should ask him this. assuming of course he doesn't ditch me. ugh. curse you emotion mind! curse you!

[CantExplain]

I had an element of pre-emptive rejection, or at least Madame T thought so. But perhaps I was just angry all the time.