Psychodrama, and general group therapy dynamics?

I need to get this out..

I've had an insane week. Lots of time in hospitals with something that might turn out to be pretty bad. Evasive doctors, no proper diagnosis. Surprisingly, after the initial shock and 'it's not fair' wallow, I started to handle it pretty well and not dying of anxiety I'm calm, hopeful and enjoying my job etc.

I had my first session of psychodrama this evening and woah, I am so drained. It was incredibly hard and I kind of hated it but loved it at the same time, I don't even know if that makes sense. I feel like I entered the room as a theatre professional and left it as a human being. And being so human was hard, I tried so desperately to not be human, not to feel stuff until I cracked, and was so connected and present with my pain and acknowledging it in the presence of other people - I cried in the session. I have never, ever done this before.

This feels like a really profound moment for me. I feel like I have taken a giant step though I can't explain why. But the main reason I need to write this is it is all so alien to me I feel like I have done something wrong by having people give me their care and attention when I was upset and crying like this. It was for a few minutes, at the end of our two and a half hours. I know rationally I didn't take up too much time, I know rationally the group is there for all members to share what is genuine for them at that moment. But there's a tiny voice in my head saying I should have stayed in control, and smiled and been charming and articulate when I was saying the thing that made me weep. Instead, I honestly couldn't hold it back. It came out. I cannot believe this, I feel as though I know it was a good thing but it feels bizarrely unfamiliar. Can anyone identify? How do you find group dynamics in the therapy context? What is 'normal'?

Today was also my one year therapy-anniversary. Can't believe that either.

I don't know what is normal but I know that I try very hard in therapy and especially in groups to hold it all together and not cry. The fact that you were able to feel is good. I understand the hating and loving at the same time - that is how I feel about therapy. Good work.

Ha! Thank you Polibeth! My head/heart are both so scrambled (not a bad kind of scrambled, but reeling all the same) right now I don't know whether I'm coming or going! Glad to know I'm not the only one who has this mixed reaction.

"Therapy is working when it's hard"
Is one thing my T tells me. If you held it together and didn't show your emotions it would have been okay but by being emotional you were vulnerable and let the other group members in. That is the power of group therapy.

I'm in group therapy and I have gotten so much out of it. You would have to drag me kicking and screaming to get me to quit group. It's hard and frustrating and difficult and wonderful and deep and amazing!

Totally, TheWell. I agree about it working when it's hard.

Though how do you know if you're doing it right? I think my experience of a group setting forced me to feel my own pain in a very present way because...I was listening to the stories of the others, and it ricocheted resonant stuff back at me and there was no escape. In individual therapy, if I'm talking about something and it starts to get scarily close to me having a meltdown of tears I divert myself smoothly away. I can't help it, I do it so much in everyday life it's habit. I can look at all my most breathtakingly grim stuff from a reasonable distance but flex my control to back away from it. In the group obviously I was not in control - the painful stories from others that resonated with me just kept coming, so I couldn't back away (did try though).

But I feel guilty for letting my pain take over like this. Should I not just have felt sad for the person? Is it wrong to involve my stuff in response to their stuff or not? I don't know the guidelines.

Actually being triggered by other people's issues is a huge part of group therapy. It's okay that another member's stuff brings up stuff in you. When that happens to me I talk about it and I preface it with, "here is how that is triggering my stuff"

If I were you I would bring up those questions in group. The T who runs my group always does group process stuff first and that is definitely group process stuff. Some of the most effective nights at group were when we discussed group process issues. Part of the power of group is being triggered by the other members in the group and learning how to appropriately deal with those issues. Then it translates into real life and how to deal with issues with others.

I think you are doing it perfectly! Good luck,
W

Good grief, that sounds hard. I'm glad you feel that it is doing something for you. I could not do it - I wouldn't do therapy with more people around under any circumstances, not even if I was paid! I do admire those who can do it, though. Well done.