It's been tough recently. Really tough. In therapy we have been discussing the physical side of CSA... Like what he did to me physically. It's absolutely excruciating, and the most humiliating thing ever. I can't see a way out of this blackness.

I do not care about myself anymore. Quitting therapy would hurt me but who cares if I get hurt, I want to hurt myself like my abuser hurt me. Therapy is the most difficult thing I have ever done. It hurts me and heals me at the same time like nothing else.

I don't want to see her again and at the same time I want to see her and talk to her, but its so painful.

[glok]

Hello, 8888an8888. Will the pain go away if you quit?

I wish you well.

[RedSun]

I'm so sorry.
I hope that you can heal with time.

[growlycat]

Maybe your T is taking it too fast.

[AllyIsHopeful]

I feel sad to see you're having such a tough time. Please try to take care of yourself. It really is hard and there's a lot of shame around talking about that stuff, especially details (I would imagine). I haven't come close to reaching details and have only touched the surface. Even with that I feel too ashamed to go back and face her again.

Remember it gets harder before it gets better. You are on the right path to healing.

[iheartjacques]

I hope your t gives you some skills to hold yourself together to ride this out.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

It's been tough recently. Really tough. In therapy we have been discussing the physical side of CSA... Like what he did to me physically. It's absolutely excruciating, and the most humiliating thing ever. I can't see a way out of this blackness.

I do not care about myself anymore. Quitting therapy would hurt me but who cares if I get hurt, I want to hurt myself like my abuser hurt me. Therapy is the most difficult thing I have ever done. It hurts me and heals me at the same time like nothing else.

I don't want to see her again and at the same time I want to see her and talk to her, but its so painful.

"When you feel like quitting..." is something important to share with your therapist. It's a feeling in response to something, and it doesn't have to be acted on. It may be that the pace or intensity of therapy needs to slow down for a bit. It's also a natural reaction to what you're talking about in your therapy, and now you have the ability to 'get away' from the CSA when you couldn't at the time it was happening. Feeling like quitting is a self-protecting idea, and means you do care about yourself. There is so much in your feeling like quitting that can be explored in therapy if you share this. You have an opportunity to learn so much about yourself....