[kororain]

I'm over it. I don't think I want to go back anymore. What's the point?

I still think bad things about myself.
I still want to hurt myself when I get frustrated.
I'm tired of trying to "be kind" to myself. It was just easier to want to kill myself all the time. I feel like I work so hard to treat myself kindly and it doesn't make a difference. It's a constant struggle.

She wants to talk about CSA. She said if I didn't, we were pretty much just stuck. Does that mean she's telling me I have to talk or GTFO? It's like she wants to drag me over the coals, or she doesn't want me to come back.

I'm tired of thinking about emotions all the time and pretending I have them when I don't.

I'm tired of being open. I'm tired of telling the truth. I'm tired of her knowing things. I'm tired of my anxiety.

I'm done. I don't think it will ever be better. Life is just this. This constant struggle. This being in limbo. This being self-contained. It's what I am. I don't think I'm meant to be another way.

There is no compassion for little me. I shouldn't have allowed the CSA. I should have screamed. I should have ran. I should have done a million things. It was my fault. I don't know why she wants to talk about it.

Bad things are my fault. I just shouldn't let anyone get close to me. I should just not be here. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't even know why I'm posting this. I'll probably not want to even think about it after I hit submit.

[Leah123]

I can relate.

Ya know...

sometimes therapy can just be a place to relax. To figure out ways to feel good.

Maybe you need a couple sessions like that- "sigh of relief" sessions.

I opt for those on occasion. They help.

We share poems or talk art and music. We imagine relaxing safe places, we just chat.

Therapy can be so destabilizing, intense, painful, a grind. It's okay to keep control of your therapy- it's all for you, only to make your life better. So, I encourage you to remember you're in control and should do it the way you need to do it, at your pace.

[iheartjacques]

I hope your t gives you a break for a while, some light sessions. Or have a break.

[AllyIsHopeful]

It's tough. Perhaps a break would be beneficial? Take care.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by kororain

There is no compassion for little me. I shouldn't have allowed the CSA. I should have screamed. I should have ran. I should have done a million things. It was my fault. I don't know why she wants to talk about it.

Bad things are my fault. I just shouldn't let anyone get close to me. I should just not be here. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't even know why I'm posting this. I'll probably not want to even think about it after I hit submit.

I admire your being able to believe a young child is ever stronger than an adult even in the face of fact, that you would not have been silenced, perhaps brutally, if you had tried to scream, that you could have gotten away if you had run (ever watch the "Cops" show and the idiots that try to run -- even if the Cops don't run more often after people trying to run than the runner does, they have dogs and helicopters and time, they will find you!) or that you could think of even one other thing you "could have done" must less a million?

I am sorry you had to experience that helplessness, I hate feeling helpless with a passion, it is my biggest bugaboo. But denying it happened doesn't get you anywhere? You have to know it was there, that there was absolutely nothing you could have done, no one there to help you, no one who "loved" you right then -- but you survived. Now you would not be helpless; or, perhaps you would because you have not allowed yourself to understand "helplessness" have not lived that/your experience as it was and learned from it. Quitting does not teach you anything except how to get away with denying reality a bit longer, but the cost of that isn't so much fun either, is it? It all costs something, the denial or the lesson/understanding but only the lesson/understanding can move you ahead where there isn't any conflict anymore and thus no pain from the conflict.