[justdesserts]

My therapist and I have a great relationship and I felt really safe with him, until I realized that all the good feelings and kindness and acceptance I got from him was based on the fact that I paid him, and if I stopped paying him, all of the help and positive regard he gives me would go away. How do you deal with knowing that? When I think about my relationship with him in these terms, everything feels fake.

[Leah123]

Exchanging money for therapeutic help doesn't make the caring fake. Every relationship costs you something, you know. Friendships, lovers, spouses, family, teachers,, coworkers, etc.- no relationship is free. You can't just go in and do nothing and get an amazing relationship. They all require you to give something. Therapy just requires that the form of exchange is money for time. That doesn't make the relationship not real.

If you feel your therapist cares for you, I imagine he does. Most therapists go into the business not to get rich (because they don't!) but because they are caring people. He'd probably care about you even if you had to stop seeing him, but at the same time, you show your caring, your reciprocation, by helping him earn a living, just as he helps you obtain a happier life.

[stopdog]

The money is the thing that makes them somewhat not unsafe for me. Without the money part, the therapist would think they were real or had a stake in my life somehow. The money, for me, keeps them back enough to be able to tell them things. It would be creepy to me for someone to want to focus solely on me for nothing in exchange. And in fact I would not believe the nothing - they would want something it would just not be as clear as money. Frankly I find the concept of people thinking they are doing a job because they think of themselves as caring to also creeps me out.

[precaryous]

Some care. I know my PrevT cares. I haven't seen her in over ten years and she still responds to my emails and occasional phone calls with support. She doesn't get paid anything anymore, she just cares.
I believe my current T cares. I believe if therapy stopped, she would still care about me.

I think there can be a sort of altruistic component to it, I mean, like in wanting to help other people because they were helped themselves at some point by a t. my t often talks about what an honor it is to be able to walk beside me on my journey. It's not completely altruistic of course because I pay her for her knowledge, AND to keep her "stuff" out of my "stuff". And in the last couple months I've really been realizing exactly what it is I am paying for - not only those things, but also, to patiently listen to me when I have to selfishly make everything all about ME in order to put the puzzle pieces together sometimes. None of my friends would put up with me endlessly talking about myself! I've really come to appreciate her for what she IS - a paid professional, performing a service - albeit in a warm and caring way that makes me feel safe and 'held'. If that makes sense.

[justdesserts]

My therapist often tells me that he loves me (in a completely appropriate way). It used to give me comfort. Now I'm having a difficult time understanding what that could possibly mean in the context of a relationship based on money for services provided. I imagine that whatever feelings he says he has for me are contingent upon my payment for his services, which must mean it's not love.

[Rive.]

Caring doesn’t go away if money is no longer part of the equation i.e. if they are no longer being paid. One (=Ts) may care for many people/clients but if they saw them all for free how would they be able to earn a living? They also need to put bread on the table.

You’re not paying for their caring but for their time and for a service that they provide.

Obviously, as in any profession, there will be unscrupulous individuals but I doubt many are in the profession (a profession where one invests a lot of oneself & is emotionally draining) only to make a quick buck.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by justdesserts

My therapist often tells me that he loves me (in a completely appropriate way). It used to give me comfort. Now I'm having a difficult time understanding what that could possibly mean in the context of a relationship based on money for services provided. I imagine that whatever feelings he says he has for me are contingent upon my payment for his services, which must mean it's not love.

If a random person suddenly gave you money would you care about them a lot? Would you give a lot of thought to their feelings and past experiences? I think your T either cares about you or they don't, it can't be bought. What you're buying is their time and expertise.

And as Stopdog just said, wouldn't you be suspicious or even concerned for someone who was willing to have a relationship that was all just about you, where their needs and issues didn't figure in at all and where you could reasonably ask of them to keep their stuff out of it--for free? I think it would be the sign of someone quite unhealthy.

[Teepee]

I look at it as my money going towards paying for the space T uses the emails and phone calls to my GP and myself, the extra workshops T is going to, to help with my trauma and the money T pays to have her youngest in care so our sessions can happen. I'm not paying T to care the fact she does is a bonus

[OneWorld]

I pay a mechanic to help me fix the issues with my car, a plumber to help me fix the issues with my pipes, a doctor to help be fix the issues with my body and a therapist to help me fix the issues with my thinking. Paying my T doesn't make her work less real than the work of any of those other professionals.

[musinglizzy]

I think, whether I was to continue with her or not, my T cares for me quite a bit. I don't think I'd drop from her mind if I left....not right away. She's gone above and beyond, she has given me her own time outside of sessions, and I appreciate her very much and tell her so. And I haven't even been with her that long.

[NowhereUSA]

it doesn't bother me. i think my t cares but he has a family and needs to put food on the table. he's providing me a service, one that does involve an emotional connection, but is focused entirely on helping me deal with issues.

i've often said what makes him beneficial is that he is a third party that is not directly involved in my life to whom I can say whatever i need to. the things i say to him i wouldn't necessarily say the same way to someone i am deeply involved with because they aren't trained to handle it. he is.

he's not my friend but that doesn't mean he doesn't care.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by justdesserts

and if I stopped paying him, all of the help and positive regard he gives me would go away

I would work on my self esteem. The positive regard would not go away, he would still feel about you the way he feels about you! He is not making that up just because you pay him. Too, if you quit paying your doctor his help goes away? Your lawyer? Your accountant or stockbroker or other professional?

This person is not the only person, relationship, or experience that can help you, is not the end all be all person who will change your life and set you on the path to glory?

The relationship is not what you are paying for, his expertise as a therapist is what you are paying for.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Perna

I
The relationship is not what you are paying for, his expertise as a therapist is what you are paying for.

I believe in relational type of therapies - the relationship is exactly what the client is paying for and that is the area of the therapist's training. The therapist may or may not care underneath their therapist facade, but the pretend relationship is the point of many. I suggest doing it differently so the relationship is not the point, but it seems many people do like it being.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I believe in relational type of therapies - the relationship is exactly what the client is paying for and that is the area of the therapist's training. The therapist may or may not care underneath their therapist facade, but the pretend relationship is the point of many. I suggest doing it differently so the relationship is not the point, but it seems many people do like it being.

"the pretend relationship" - I told my t one time that I thought therapy was not real life. She got quite offended at my suggestion that our relationship was not "real". She said that just because it exists w/in different parameters than other relationships, doesn't make it any less real. I still like it, I found a lot of healing within it, whether it is "real" or not. I just don't think about it much anymore and let it happen instead.

[stopdog]

I do not consider myself as having anything other than a professional type of interaction (I hesitate to call it a relationship here because it sounds so much more personal on this forum than what I mean by it). I do not go to have the therapist matter to me or vice versa. I think the interaction is artificial -not real - pretend. It does not count in my real life nor do I come up for the therapist in their life. A therapist getting worked up over it or contradicting me would not change my mind and I would find their indignation or offended demeanor to be part of the act. I don't think it matters if it is real or not for those who are looking to the therapist to provide a relationship - I think what matters is the belief in it no matter what it really is.
It is fine with me if others see the therapist situation differently than I view it.

[Hellion]

Previous to this you thought if you where to stop paying you would continue to receive all the help from them? I mean I do not think they would suddenly develop ill feelings towards you so may still have a positive regard but it is their job so it wouldn't make sense for them to provide treatment to people who don't pay them for it.

I guess I just am aware if I pay for therapy and stop paying, then i wont get therapy anymore unless that therapist is able to offer free sessions for a time till I was able to pay...or charge less, though I am on medicaid now so its a matter of if medicaid pays for it I can get the therapy, if medicaid does not pay for it then well...I would have to go elsewhere.

I guess I also keep in perspective that a therapist is a professional, providing 'therapy' they aren't my best friend, a potential date or a close family member....so it wouldn't do me much good to dwell on the fact a therapist is not those things and rather focus on my issues and potential ways of dealing with them better or coping.

[msxyz]

I don't see it that way. What we get with a therapist would be dysfunctional and exploitative in a "regular" relationship. I wouldn't expect a friend to provide the services of their profession for free, either.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by Akama

I don't see it that way. What we get with a therapist would be dysfunctional and exploitative in a "regular" relationship. I wouldn't expect a friend to provide the services of their profession for free, either.

this. in a non-therapeutic relationship, there's give and take. when i go to therapy, my t is making it all about me and y'know, he might have had a really horrible day, but there's no expectation on me to do anything - listen, help out, whatever. i pay him to give me the ear that i need to deal with stuff.