[vonmoxie]

I've noticed quite a few threads on here about issues around the existence of transference and affection in therapy, but never any that correlate with my own experience, which is perhaps the polar opposite.

I love to be loved as much as the next person, but in therapy have never been inclined to look for or receive anything beyond the same basic empathy that I would expect from nearly anyone. Maybe I'm not able to receive what happens in therapy as warmth because it doesn't have the exchange of a real relationship: that while they're getting to know me, I'm not getting to know them; I don't know. But while I'm an open book in therapy, totally focused towards allowing the process to happen, and am basically everything that I perceive as being available for contributing to its success, I'm not especially warm and fuzzy. Mind you, I'm not cold either; it's just not anything beyond the cordiality that seems normal to me for how I see the relationship: professional, goal-oriented, and in the end not a personal one.

And I'm not in the least judging that it's different for other people, not at all; in fact I'm really wondering if there's any kind of an understood premise that the degree to which one is able have transference or otherwise develop and receive warmth towards a therapist is necessary for it to be successful.

I might not be able to manifest that anyway, but I'm curious as to the effect. My last therapist kept asking me whether there was a teacher, or an aunt, or anyone that was helpful to me in my childhood, once he understood how severely I was neglected by my parents, but truly there was no one (which he seemed to struggle to believe, based on how many times he asked). It was actually so the case that I came to really soapbox for many years about the need for teachers to be better educated about the signs of abuse. Because I was getting the whole trifecta (physical/sexual/emotional) and was by a landslide the most withdrawn, depressed, pale, weak, sickly, frightened child in my entire hometown, whose childhood fate was further exacerbated and locked down through being ostracized by classmates and school staff alike, despite the fact that it had to be absolutely clear that something was horribly wrong.. (OMG, I did it again.. gaddang soapbox... who put that there?) So I became an independent operator very early on, because I had to, and I worked very hard, on my own, to ensure that I did not carry on or further unleash into the world, any of my family's negative traits. (Unfortunately though, I do think I buried quite a lot of pain in the process along the way, focusing so hard on how to be good to everyone else in the world, except for me.)

To clarify, it's not as though I'm impersonal in relationships in general--I have been blessed with some most excellent friendships in my life, and enjoyed a marriage with my late husband that was borne of mutual unconditional love. But my healthiest relationships have all been co-created, representing the contributions of both parties. Anytime someone has wanted to tip those scales, has wanted me to regard them as any kind of an authority, there have been very untoward reasons for them doing so.

Is my abbreviated trust in emotional authority a preventive to being able to get anything significant out of a therapeutic relationship? Not that I think I could change that. There just hasn't been any precedent for that kind of trust in my life. I am, however, most open to comments from this community, as this is something I have wondered about for some time.

Many thanks.

[glok]

Hello, vonmoxie. Trust issues are problematical.

10 Reasons Why Therapy May Not Be Working | World of Psychology

I wish you well.

[Soccer mom]

As I posted on another thread, I was the exact same with my T. as I sporatically saw her for 4 years. When my mom got sick, I started seeing her once a week and she died 4 weeks later. Through that process, I felt closer and closer to my T. But, instead of being an open book and pretty direct as in the past, I started saying "I don't know" more often, not talking as freely and having deep feelings towards her. Once I admitted them, we agreed it happened as my mom was dying. So, not only do I have feelings towards her like I wished I had towards my mom (we had a bad relationship), I also have a hard time talking to her like I did my mom.
I don't think that transference is necessary. In fact, it has been very painful and I wish I didn't have it. It is uncontrollable and I didn't know what was happening until I finally told her. After all, I've seen her countless times before and had no feelings whatsoever.

[vonmoxie]

Originally Posted by glok

Hello, vonmoxie. Trust issues are problematical.

10 Reasons Why Therapy May Not Be Working | World of Psychology

I wish you well.

Thank you glok! Aren't they though..

I have trusted all my therapists though, greatly. Maybe too much. I can't attest, however, to the trust I had being at all similar to the way in which one might trust a mother or father, as I honestly can't recall ever knowing what that feels like. I don't have any memory of feeling anything but at risk around either one of my parents; I certainly did not feel protected by them.

Perhaps the trouble I perceive has actually been related to the way I find myself on the opposite end of the spectrum of the transference capability spectrum, having to do with my lack of tactile emotional investment in the psychotherapy relationship itself. That the sad result of the degree of emotional detachment I've had has left no one holding the therapist accountable, in a way that they could organically respond to. That it's resulted in their emotional distance and lack of investment in my success.

Of course, if I'd been in perfect emotional shape, I wouldn't have been seeking out treatment in the first place. Ay, there's the rub.

[vonmoxie]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

As I posted on another thread, I was the exact same with my T. as I sporatically saw her for 4 years. When my mom got sick, I started seeing her once a week and she died 4 weeks later. Through that process, I felt closer and closer to my T. But, instead of being an open book and pretty direct as in the past, I started saying "I don't know" more often, not talking as freely and having deep feelings towards her. Once I admitted them, we agreed it happened as my mom was dying. So, not only do I have feelings towards her like I wished I had towards my mom (we had a bad relationship), I also have a hard time talking to her like I did my mom.
I don't think that transference is necessary. In fact, it has been very painful and I wish I didn't have it. It is uncontrollable and I didn't know what was happening until I finally told her. After all, I've seen her countless times before and had no feelings whatsoever.

This is a very helpful example, to me, as I happen to have lost a few people very close to me, my husband included -- and in the one year-long relationship I've had since he passed, when my then BF moved to the other side of the country for a job, I was a lot more emotional about it than I expected. While I was very fond of him, it was still a fairly young relationship, with both of us working really long hours at the time, and he was indeed very good to me... but I wasn't anywhere near as close to him as I was to my late husband, which was a relationship that developed through a very long courtship, endured many trials, and was deeply and significantly meaningful for both of us. So when I started having a near breakdown over this more recent breakup, I realized that due to my husband's very sudden and unexpected departure from this astral plane, I was unwittingly using the experience of the other relationship as a vehicle to attempt to resolve my feelings about essentially being abandoned by my husband with nary a goodbye.

And to top it off, it didn't help me to feel particularly resolved about either relationship, before or after I realized it was happening.

But I'm not suggesting that the situation I'm describing is at all a fair comparison to what you are going through! I'm not trying to have an ongoing (and long distance bi-coastal) relationship with this person, in which these feelings could potentially interfere with the health of the relationship. Obviously I'm no expert on transference, but hopefully you and your therapist can get creative, and find a way to differently free up the feelings you're having.