[ThisWayOut]

I'm really struggling this past week. I have a crisis plan with T, but I dislike the plan (I agreed to it to be able to leave the office without having to detour to the ER, I do not feel an inpatient visit will be helpful at this time, as I have no access to any inpatient programs that offer therapy, and that is what I feel like I need more of, not less)...

I have not had much "luck" in being able to call this t and know how to ask for what I need in the moment. It has always dissolved to: "do you need to go inpatient at this time", to which my answer is always "no". T is very limited in what she can offer, so I am not sure what I would be asking for if I called her. Last week I was able to tell her that I felt I needed more therapeutic supports and that I would be ok with group therapy if she could find something that I fit into. She said she would look into it. I am afraid that she will not have found anything, or that I will be waiting at least another week after deciding on a group if one is available. I feel like I'm unraveling faster and faster, so I don't know if I could feasibly wait another week of limbo without having to resort to an ER visit (see the thread on psych units being comforting or hell for reasons why I am trying to avoid this at all costs).

I'm utilizing my coping skills as best I can, but my contacts with the crisis lines are getting too frequent (in my opinion). How can I ask this T for more support, and what can I ask for if the stock response has been a trip to the ER? Is there a way I can impress on her my anxiety around another possibly traumatic hospitalization, and try to figure out how to get what I need? I tend to freeze up if she returns my call, and I am unable to express my needs. Even if it is written down in front of me, I am unable to say the words I need to. I can write it, I can express it when not speaking with her, but the second I hear her voice on the other end of the line, I stutter, stammer, and just can't pull my thoughts together enough to get what I need. I can't even manage to express to her my difficulty in asking for what I need in hopes of her helping me figure it out. Old T and I had already discussed stuff like this, so even when I couldn't say anything beyond tell her who was on the other end of the phone, she helped me get around to saying what I needed to. I had tried to tell this T my inability to speak effectively (over the phone or otherwise), but it hasn't helped our ability to communicate as of yet.

Am I being too needy with this? Am I being too stubborn? Would calling her actually do anything to help me right now? or would I just end up getting myself hospitalized without intending to if I tell her I dislike the crisis plan and need additional support? I am not an immediate danger to myself (or others) at this time. I really don't want ot get to that point because then I will have no choice but to go to the ER

[someone321]

Could you maybe e-mail your T instead of calling if you "freeze up" and cannot talk to her when she returns your call? I think I would try to think what I really need from T and how to be sure that T understands what I want as there are not many more frustrating things in therapy than not understanding T (for me at least)...

Usually I would just write - yes! Reach out, in the worst case your T won't respond so the effect would be the same as if you didn't reach out so not much too lose... But I think that unfortunately in your case it is not so simple :/ I guess, I would still reach out but already at the beginning would highlight that you are not in danger and there is no need in going to ER... Was it always bad when you tried to reach out your T before?

[ThisWayOut]

she doesn't do email, so the only way to reach out is to leave a voicemail... that said, she only checks voicemail when she is in the office. This being her second job, she is not there all that often, so I may not get a response anyway before I see her on Friday (I don't know what her schedule is). I really wish I could email or communicate in writing, but we have not established that yet.
With this t, it has always been a huge mess, and I did not get what I needed, only felt scolded for calling in the first place. I feel like she wants me to utilize this crisis plan that I hate, and only see her for sessions (though it has not been said out-right, that is the message I get when I call and the only question she asks is if I am in need of an ER visit, and if I am using the crisis plan).
I think maybe if I called and left a message saying I was not in danger, but struggling, and that I had a lot fo trouble saying that to her, or knowing what to ask for, maybe this time would be different. I'm not really sure.
I never had figured out exactly what is ok to ask for help on, and what is being too needy, so I go back and forth with this kind of stuff a lot...

[guilloche]

Hi ThisWayOut...

I'm about to head to my own T appointment, so my brain is pretty muddled with anxiety... but I'm wondering if you could call and get an extra appointment? That way you'd be able to get some help/support in person, without dealing with the phone stuff? Any chance that she'd have availability, and that's it's do-able for you?

If so, I'd highly recommend talking to her about the plan during the appointment (and making a new plan!) A plan that you hate and can't follow isn't really a plan, it's... fiction!

Also... wondering if you can look for groups near you online? I think I've seen some near me... (or were you trying to get into one of your Ts groups, specifically)? You might be able to bypass T and her slowness, and contact a group leader directly?

(((hugs))) I'm sorry that you're unraveling... I know it's a scary, awful feeling... Hang in there!

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I'm not really sure.
I never had figured out exactly what is ok to ask for help on, and what is being too needy, so I go back and forth with this kind of stuff a lot...

One other thing strikes me, though I'm not sure if it's helpful for where you're at right now... one thing I've been learning... it's ALWAYS ok to ASK for what you need. It's up to the other person to set/enforce their boundaries and say "no" if they're not comfortable giving it... but even if they say "no", it does NOT mean that the request was "not ok".

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Hi ThisWayOut...

I'm about to head to my own T appointment, so my brain is pretty muddled with anxiety... but I'm wondering if you could call and get an extra appointment? That way you'd be able to get some help/support in person, without dealing with the phone stuff? Any chance that she'd have availability, and that's it's do-able for you?

If so, I'd highly recommend talking to her about the plan during the appointment (and making a new plan!) A plan that you hate and can't follow isn't really a plan, it's... fiction!

Also... wondering if you can look for groups near you online? I think I've seen some near me... (or were you trying to get into one of your Ts groups, specifically)? You might be able to bypass T and her slowness, and contact a group leader directly?

(((hugs))) I'm sorry that you're unraveling... I know it's a scary, awful feeling... Hang in there!

I had called maybe 2 weeks ago to see if she had additional time available and was told that her time at the agency is limited, so she was limited to one hour a week at our scheduled time.
as for local groups, there are none listed online that I have access to. Everythign seems to need a t referral, or to be a part of their service network.
I think I may just call, tell her in the message that I am unsure of what to ask, but here's what I'm thinking, and go from there (it's so much easier to talk to a machiene sometimes)... I just have to figure out exactly what that is (in fewer words than here, so it can all fit on that one message, lol).

thank you for responding, and good luck at your appointment!

Perhaps your T could look into a day program for you where you could get more support... have you asked if you could have more frequent therapy appointments perhaps twice a week?

[ThisWayOut]

I was just thinking of asking for a day-program referal... I'm not sure if I qualify for any that my insurance covers though, and I am not sure if I would then lose her as a therapist (they have a weird concept around duplication of services, so if I get seen anywhere, I can't also be seeing my T at the agency (though I tend to benefit from having the day program AND the individual therapy)... maybe I can ask her about this, but that would likely be seen as somethign that can wai ttill Friday, so I won;t bother her about it...

[ScarletPimpernel]

Have you asked the crisis line if they know of any additional resources you can utilize in your area?

For myself, I no longer consider the crisis line a viable option. But the last time I did talk to them they referred me to the Warmlines. Warmlines are not run by professionals, but they are still someone to talk to.

Do you have any coping skills that require you to change your environment? For me, one of my coping skills is to simply go outside even if I only sit on the sidewalk. I find it helps because I'm away from my "danger areas", I'm getting fresh air, I listen to all the sounds and watch people go by.

Another thing I'm learning is to identify the emotions behind the depression or anger. Once I can figure that out, I then use my coping skills that meet that need. When you are able to, create a list of coping skills specific to the emotional need. That way, when you're in a crisis, you already have it thought out.

And I agree with the others, you can always ask for help. Even though rules might be in place, sometimes the person "might" bend it a little.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Have you asked the crisis line if they know of any additional resources you can utilize in your area?

For myself, I no longer consider the crisis line a viable option. But the last time I did talk to them they referred me to the Warmlines. Warmlines are not run by professionals, but they are still someone to talk to.

Do you have any coping skills that require you to change your environment? For me, one of my coping skills is to simply go outside even if I only sit on the sidewalk. I find it helps because I'm away from my "danger areas", I'm getting fresh air, I listen to all the sounds and watch people go by.

Another thing I'm learning is to identify the emotions behind the depression or anger. Once I can figure that out, I then use my coping skills that meet that need. When you are able to, create a list of coping skills specific to the emotional need. That way, when you're in a crisis, you already have it thought out.

And I agree with the others, you can always ask for help. Even though rules might be in place, sometimes the person "might" bend it a little.

I utilize the crisis chats accessed through the national hotline's website. They don't have local resources to me. I have tried the warmlines int he past, but not found them helpful. It's very difficult for me to speak on the phone, so getting help that way is a big hurdle.

I wish I knew the emotions behind this hopelessness. All I can identify is the hopelessness. I have not figured out any coping skills that fix it yet. It's a good idea to arrange coping skills by need they fill though. I will try to figure that out and split them up that way. At the moment, it' all one huge list.

A change in scenery is helpful. I try to do that as often as I can. Lately, it all comes rushing back as soon as I step foot in the house again... I wish I knew how to stave it off for longer. I can be out all day at the beach or in nature, but as soon as I get back onto my street, the hopelessness washes over me. It really sucks.

I think I will wait for Friday and try to ask for more help if she hasn't found a group I can attend... Just have to make it till Friday.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Hopelessness is a good emotion to identify. So your emotional need is to feel hope. What gives you hope? Anything in the past give you hope? Maybe achieving something? Maybe make a list (or even a collage) of all the positive things currently in your life. Or you can do the same with all the positives in your past to remind you of the beauty in life. Make a goal (can be a small goal). Make a future plan (like you will treat yourself out to a wonderful day on Saturday. Give yourself something to look forward to.

I really do understand that it takes a lot of effort to do these things when you feel you're in a crisis. But they do help, and the more times you survive the difficulties of life, the stronger you will be. It's like exercise for the mind.

[Leah123]

Can you add a second weekly session? You need the support and it's often easier to open up and leave the defenses down with more frequent contact.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Can you add a second weekly session? You need the support and it's often easier to open up and leave the defenses down with more frequent contact.

no. i have asked, and her availability is severely limited. she is a student, and only there a handful of hours a week... :/

[guilloche]

Thanks for the good wishes. It was an interesting session... we're still sort of laying the groundwork, I think (hope).

I'm sorry you're not able to get an extra session during the week with your T. It sounds like that would be so helpful.

Did you decide to call her, or to wait until Friday?

And, I can't remember if this was suggested... but do you journal at all? For me, writing things down helps some... helps me get some of it out of my head, helps me make sense of it, and in a weird way, helps me feel like I've told "somebody" (maybe, I think?) You could try grabbing some magazines and pulling out pictures for a collage if that's easier... ?

I hope your T is able to get you into a good group that you can click with and feel supported by... *fingers crossed for you* !

[ThisWayOut]

I'm glad it seems to be going well for you.
I think I have decided to wait till Friday. It's pointless to call her so close to the actual appointment. I do journal quite a bit, but it doesn't help much when I don't show her. Last week the assignment was to "process" our session in writing (because it's easier, and because I had shut down at the end of last session). I'll take that with me on Friday, as well as the stuff I had meant to cover last week. Some of it contradicts itself, but I need to remember to explain that I feel really conflicted about that part. I'm also going to take in my art journal again and this time ask her to look at the whole thing (not all that full yet).
I'm hoping today goes ok, and it's not as difficult to get through to tomorrow's appointment time.
I'm also hoping I don't minimize everything when I'm there. I have a bad habit of doing that (some of it is a defense mechanism, she can't freak out if I don't give her anything to freak out over; it also helps me not feel as overwhelmed all the time).
Only slept 2.5 hours, so today should be fun... maybe I will take something so I can sleep during the day. :/

[ThisWayOut]

Just have to make it less than 24 hours, and it feels impossible. I broke down and left t a message asking to not let me minimize things tomorrow, to please strongly suggest I give her what I have written. Told her I was going to be there tomorrow, so I have to be, but the time between now and then seems interminable. I don't like this struggle. I hope I'm able to ask for what I need tomorrow...

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

Just have to make it less than 24 hours, and it feels impossible. I broke down and left t a message asking to not let me minimize things tomorrow, to please strongly suggest I give her what I have written. Told her I was going to be there tomorrow, so I have to be, but the time between now and then seems interminable. I don't like this struggle. I hope I'm able to ask for what I need tomorrow...

You are doing such good work, ThisWayOut. I'm glad you left her the message. I certainly hope you can negotiate a workable crisis plan. We are here for.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Hopelessness is a good emotion to identify. So your emotional need is to feel hope. What gives you hope? Anything in the past give you hope? Maybe achieving something? Maybe make a list (or even a collage) of all the positive things currently in your life. Or you can do the same with all the positives in your past to remind you of the beauty in life. Make a goal (can be a small goal). Make a future plan (like you will treat yourself out to a wonderful day on Saturday. Give yourself something to look forward to.

I really do understand that it takes a lot of effort to do these things when you feel you're in a crisis. But they do help, and the more times you survive the difficulties of life, the stronger you will be. It's like exercise for the mind.

I found that I really miss working. I went on disability when I moved back "home" because it was/is so triggering an environment. I am not able to function well here most of the time. Last night though, things got rough in a way that forced my "work" persona to have to take over. As difficult as it was to move to assess the situation, doing so and being able to make successful interventions reminded me that I can still be competent at what I used to do. It gave me hope that I can return to work at some point, just need to 1) get out of this environment, and 2) get my own head together again.
I'm not sure how long the hope will last (it's already starting to fizzle), but maybe it will be enough to keep me from acting on the hopelessness before I can move again. I'm kinda hesitant to let my t in on this little success, but maybe sharing the knowledge of it with her still help me remember it. I may need to underscore to t that this does not mean I don't need the support I have been hinting at since I started seeing her. I have this stupid defense mechanism that brings professional me to the surface when I'm worried about my own needs. It keeps others from seeing the extent and urgency of my own struggles, because I sound really composed and together. The reality of things is that, had my mom acted on her suicidal ideation tonight, I would have felt like that gave me permission to act on mine. I need to remember to tell t that...

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

...As difficult as it was to move to assess the situation, doing so and being able to make successful interventions reminded me that I can still be competent at what I used to do. It gave me hope that I can return to work at some point, just need to 1) get out of this environment, and 2) get my own head together again.
...I have this stupid defense mechanism that brings professional me to the surface when I'm worried about my own needs. It keeps others from seeing the extent and urgency of my own struggles, because I sound really composed and together.

I'm glad you found a little bit of hope! And not only that, but you regained a little confidence too.

We are "trained" to appear "strong" and collected even if we're struggling. No one should underestimate a person's pain just based upon how they appear/act. I think if you're honest with your T, she will understand that.

[JaneC]

Sorry that you are struggling so at the moment TWO. I used to find it impossible to ask for what I needed from T, or even to know what it was that I needed. I felt so guilty and needy asking for an extra session, or emailing between sessions...or anything.

Now, I feel a little more comfortable with it after practice and a T who is almost always accommodating if he is able. I've never experienced in my life someone who has been so consistently 'there for me' as he has been so far. I may even be letting go of the "when is it all going to stop" fear I have.

I really hope TWO that your T is able to be as 'there for you' too, within the restraints of her role. I think it is great that you left her the message you did, and surely she will support you through this. I understand also the "professional" you that comes out in difficult situations, it's like a protection huh? But great it gave you a feeling of hope and accomplishment....that is so important.

All the best for your appointment, and stay safe

[ThisWayOut]

T went okay today. She thanked me for calling her and leaving messages, sadly I only remembered leaving the one yesterday. I had thought about leaving the one she said she had gotten before that, but I don't actually remember calling... She is the first T to ever address the frustration around forgetting things so often...
I am a bit frustrated that she forgot to look into a group for me, but she wrote it down this time, so I hope she will come up with something by next week. I don;t know how else to tell her I really need more support. If things get any more stressful, I will wind up inpatient, and I told her that, though both of us have the goal to avoid it if possible.
We are slowly getting somewhere.

[guilloche]

Hi ThisWayOut... I'm glad you got to see your T today, but gosh, I'm disappointed for you that she forgot to look into groups. Did she mention when she would get to it? Any chance she's going to do it quickly, and get you the info *before* the next session, since she screwed up by forgetting? My fingers are crossed...

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Hi ThisWayOut... I'm glad you got to see your T today, but gosh, I'm disappointed for you that she forgot to look into groups. Did she mention when she would get to it? Any chance she's going to do it quickly, and get you the info *before* the next session, since she screwed up by forgetting? My fingers are crossed...

likely not. she said she would "try" to look into it for me by next week... I hope next week is easier than this week, because then it won't matter as much...