[Asiablue]

Does anyone feel like they literally have blocks in understanding things in therapy? No matter how many times something is explained to me, I just don't "get it". It's like I don't see the world the same way sometimes.

**Trigger for self-harm

This morning I emailed my therapist in a lot of distress, I've pretty much been in crisis since our session on Wed. She spoke to me for an hour of Thurs and now today for an hour.
I sent the email at 9am, waited 3 hours for a reply but i don't normally email so I wasn't sure if or when I'd get one, I fell asleep cos I'd been up all night, She must have text me literally 20 mins after I'd fallen asleep.
She text that she'd got my email and we could have a phone call then. Then she sent another longer one about 15-20 mins later telling me not to act on any of the thoughts i'd written bout in my email and reiterated she was free to talk now or later.

I woke up 2 hours later to these messages and I did not sense any urgency from them, I didn't contact her straight away because I didn't know if I should waste more of her time on a Saturday ( her day off) when really there wasn't much more she could say or do that hadn't been done in the crisis call on Thursday. I felt like she'd spent enough time on me and maybe I should just deal with things on my own. Yet I felt truly awful, and the deal is, when I feel like crap, I need to call her. I was so conflicted.
Within half and hour of reading the 2 messages she sent another text with more urgency, telling me she was concerned about me and to please text her back or else she'd need to call my husband.
I responded straight away to that as I sensed the urgency and I didn't want her to be worried. We ended up speaking on the phone.

She wants me to be clearer if I can what I need from her. And in future if I send an email like that if I can be clear on what I need, i take that on board, I should have been clearer that I wasn't in imminent danger. But I guess I thought as a therapist, who is so used to dealing with these things and hearing me say what I did, it wouldn't be a big deal to her. I never meant for her to be worried. I genuinely thought it wouldn't bother her and she'd approach it with her usual unflappable manner. I did not sense urgency from her initial texts, I did not sense that she's be worried or anxious to hear from me. It surprised me to hear this. I thought when she was offering to speak to me it was simply an offer of support, that she was putting the decision into my hands. I didn't take her offer to call as " i need to hear from you NOW" .

My friend from on here said her texts were clearly urgent, since 2 of them were 20 mins apart and on her day off. I just don't see it. I know my thinking is warped, because when I ask my husband, he never sees things the same way I do, and tends to side with the therapist. I literally have a brick missing when it comes to understanding how therapy works, when I should contact my T, what constitutes an emergency and why she offers to call me and recognising that she cares for me or is anxious about me.... I don't get it. And I'm not a stupid person, it's like something is missing.

I think in my own messed up little head that self-harm is such a "no big deal" thing to me that I forget that normal people do see it as a big deal and something that is dangerous. I've lived with these strong feelings and thought for so long, it's somewhat normal. And I don't see it as the huge emergency everyone else does.

[HazelGirl]

Even if she heard it a lot, it doesn't make it easier for her. She obviously cares about you, and it is probably worrisome for her to know you're struggling.

[Asiablue]

I feel like I need her to be clearer too tho. If she is feeling anxious to know if I am ok, then I want her to tell me that because I didn't sense that from her texts. Rightly or wrongly, I just didn't pick up or expect her to be worried. I told her I need her to be clearer too, but she seemed think that her telling me to call her, would be fostering dependency or something, she wants me to learn for myself what I need and learn how to ask for it. Which I get, but surely if she is feeling worried she should be clear on that so that I know to contact her ASAP? We will discuss it more on Wed in session, she said she'd need to take some time to think about it all.

[HazelGirl]

It's a fine line for a T to walk. They need to be concerned, yet they can't be too concerned and cause you to become too dependent on their concern to maintain your safety. Also, sometimes being afraid causes you to do, say, or think things that aren't the best judgement-wise.

[boredporcupine]

I think what this interaction is highlighting is the way that you view your own suffering as no big deal. You want her to be more clear that you should call her back so that SHE won't be worried. But in reality, you should be more clear that she should call you so that YOU can get the help you need. It's great that she cares enough about you to text you like that, but ultimately if she TELLS you to call her then she's reinforcing the idea that what she tells you to do is more important than you deciding what you need and asking for it.

[Leah123]

Are you overlooking that you created a sense of urgency, and she's going to respond to that and escalate to urgent-reply status *until* you tell her to stand down?

You were sleeping, but she didn't know that. When you woke, it would make sense and be expected to contact her right away and let her know your current status.

The alarm bells don't go off for others til the one who set them off turns them off.

[ThisWayOut]

That was a hard one for me to learn too. I still have difficulty expressing my thoughts and thought processes in a way that does not come off as overly-dramatic. I don't think of it as being dramatic, nor do I intend it to be because it is just "normal" to me, but it's not normal to others.
It actually took me havingthe cops called on me and being hospitalized to get a better idea fo the anxiety I can raise in people with the things I talk about and how I talk about them. Since then, I make it a point to try to interject that I am not a danger to myself at this time, but I am still struggling. It's kinda like kids who grow up hearing gunfire all the time grow desensitized to it, so they don;t get why oehter would have such a strong reaction to it.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Are you overlooking that you created a sense of urgency, and she's going to respond to that and escalate to urgent-reply status *until* you tell her to stand down?

You were sleeping, but she didn't know that. When you woke, it would make sense and be expected to contact her right away and let her know your current status.

The alarm bells don't go off for others til the one who set them off turns them off.

I didn't know my current status. I didn't know what I needed. If I needed anything. If i'd read her text and sensed worry I would have called her straight away. I thought I had time to think about what was needed. But her last text did have urgency and i responded immediately at that point.

I did create the urgency with my email, I understand that now. I am not thinking straight, I am not well. And in this state I thought I was just sending my thoughts away.

[Leah123]

Ah, don't overthink it: your current status would be "I had a nap, I am awake now, I do/do not want a call."

Just to let her know you were alive and able to type.

I wouldn't worry about trying to sense her urgency- rather create a baseline for yourself that the appropriate thing to do if you reach out to someone is reply to them. Even if you don't know what else to say but "I'm here, I got your message."

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by boredporcupine

I think what this interaction is highlighting is the way that you view your own suffering as no big deal. You want her to be more clear that you should call her back so that SHE won't be worried. But in reality, you should be more clear that she should call you so that YOU can get the help you need. It's great that she cares enough about you to text you like that, but ultimately if she TELLS you to call her then she's reinforcing the idea that what she tells you to do is more important than you deciding what you need and asking for it.

Yes, maybe this is what she was meaning. Thanks.

I have no idea when I am suffering enough to merit help.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

That was a hard one for me to learn too. I still have difficulty expressing my thoughts and thought processes in a way that does not come off as overly-dramatic. I don't think of it as being dramatic, nor do I intend it to be because it is just "normal" to me, but it's not normal to others.
It actually took me havingthe cops called on me and being hospitalized to get a better idea fo the anxiety I can raise in people with the things I talk about and how I talk about them. Since then, I make it a point to try to interject that I am not a danger to myself at this time, but I am still struggling. It's kinda like kids who grow up hearing gunfire all the time grow desensitized to it, so they don;t get why oehter would have such a strong reaction to it.

Yeah, you do become desensitized. It becomes your normal. And when therapists are able to cope with it so well, it's hard to remember that they can get worried. I think i described a bit too well what I was going thru. Maybe I'm too good at writing!

[kororain]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I think in my own messed up little head that self-harm is such a "no big deal" thing to me that I forget that normal people do see it as a big deal and something that is dangerous. I've lived with these strong feelings and thought for so long, it's somewhat normal. And I don't see it as the huge emergency everyone else does.

I know exactly how you feel and feel this way all the time with T. She always seems so concerned and I'm like, "What's the big deal?"

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by kororain

I know exactly how you feel and feel this way all the time with T. She always seems so concerned and I'm like, "What's the big deal?"

She's suggested she read out my email in session so I can hear how it sounds to others. I agreed to doing this even tho it will be embarrassing. It might help me see it from an outsider perspective.

[boredporcupine]

I have no idea when I am suffering enough to merit help.

See, the error in your thinking is right here. I also used to think there was some unknown amount of suffering that I needed to reach in order to qualify for help, otherwise I didn't "deserve it." In reality, all you need to qualify for help is to ask for it and for someone to be willing to give it. Most humans really enjoy helping others; people who become T's usually have a special fondness for helping people or they wouldn't be in the profession. Yes, there are some people out there who will give help and then resent you for it, but that is their issue, not yours.

When people are asking on the internet for funding to make potato salad and getting it, should you really be denying yourself in asking for help to stop feeling so bad you want to harm yourself?

[Favorite Jeans]

Maybe you're not accustomed to having people worry about you or take your feelings of distress seriously. If your parents (for eg) told you that your unhappiness was "drama," it would make sense that you'd see it that way too and not expect that your description of your internal experience could elicit concern in others.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Maybe you're not accustomed to having people worry about you or take your feelings of distress seriously. If your parents (for eg) told you that your unhappiness was "drama," it would make sense that you'd see it that way too and not expect that your description of your internal experience could elicit concern in others.

that's exactly what happened and what my T talked to me about yesterday. I'm not able to ask for her help yet because I'm so conditioned to disregard my own feelings are not trying hard enough or drama. I took overdoses as a teenager and I was told I was disgusting and it was all swept under the carpet.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

that's exactly what happened and what my T talked to me about yesterday. I'm not able to ask for her help yet because I'm so conditioned to disregard my own feelings are not trying hard enough or drama. I took overdoses as a teenager and I was told I was disgusting and it was all swept under the carpet.

So sorry you had that reaction when you were obviously in pain horrific enough to make you take an overdose in the first place. Incredibly damaging to a teenager's sense of self and sense of what is acceptable. Glad your therapist is helping you re-set those norms, even if it is really hard and perplexing at times.

I felt like she'd spent enough time on me and maybe I should just deal with things on my own. Yet I felt truly awful, and the deal is, when I feel like crap, I need to call her. I was so conflicted.

If i'm recalling correctly, that has been your pattern of things growing up. No wonder there is conflict. I don't see that you have a lack of understanding of anything, but that the confusion results from the unresolved conflict of needing/not needing.

Maybe you are attempting to re-enact going off on your own and being independent, figuring out things for yourself, like you did once before. And your therapists job is to put a stop to that so that you can co-create a new experience, which seems to be what she's trying to do.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by skies_

If i'm recalling correctly, that has been your pattern of things growing up. No wonder there is conflict. I don't see that you have a lack of understanding of anything, but that the confusion results from the unresolved conflict of needing/not needing.

Maybe you are attempting to re-enact going off on your own and being independent, figuring out things for yourself, like you did once before. And your therapists job is to put a stop to that so that you can co-create a new experience, which seems to be what she's trying to do.

Yes, you could be right here Skies. I do have unresolved conflict of needing/not needing. I'm scared to ask for help, I'm scared of asking and being rejected. I'm scared of being too much, I'm scared that I'm asking for too much, I'm scared that maybe I'm not trying hard enough to deal with things on my own. I'm scared that my therapist will get angry at me, get burnt out from me, be annoyed to have to spend so much time on me.
I don't know when I should be reaching out for help, what it healthy versus what is dependent. we all need someone to depend on but what is a healthy level of dependency and what isn't? What is an emergency or crisis versus what just feels really bad and should be dealt with by myself? I am completely confused.

[feralkittymom]

I don't know when I should be reaching out for help, what it healthy versus what is dependent. we all need someone to depend on but what is a healthy level of dependency and what isn't? What is an emergency or crisis versus what just feels really bad and should be dealt with by myself? I am completely confused.

I'm not sure you can know this except through experience. Ideally, we learn this developmentally growing up, but for those of us who didn't have that opportunity, or had only a dysfunctional experience, we need to learn it through the therapeutic experience. You're right that you can't second guess it because you have a fractured internal guide. Therapy provides a do-over.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Yes, you could be right here Skies. I do have unresolved conflict of needing/not needing. I'm scared to ask for help, I'm scared of asking and being rejected. I'm scared of being too much, I'm scared that I'm asking for too much, I'm scared that maybe I'm not trying hard enough to deal with things on my own. I'm scared that my therapist will get angry at me, get burnt out from me, be annoyed to have to spend so much time on me.
I don't know when I should be reaching out for help, what it healthy versus what is dependent. we all need someone to depend on but what is a healthy level of dependency and what isn't? What is an emergency or crisis versus what just feels really bad and should be dealt with by myself? I am completely confused.

I hear you. Me too.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I don't know when I should be reaching out for help, what it healthy versus what is dependent. we all need someone to depend on but what is a healthy level of dependency and what isn't? What is an emergency or crisis versus what just feels really bad and should be dealt with by myself? I am completely confused.

I'm not sure you can know this except through experience. Ideally, we learn this developmentally growing up, but for those of us who didn't have that opportunity, or had only a dysfunctional experience, we need to learn it through the therapeutic experience. You're right that you can't second guess it because you have a fractured internal guide. Therapy provides a do-over.

That means I have to make mistakes to learn where the boundaries are, to learn all of the things I don't yet understand. Making mistakes terrifies me. This is probably what my T is talking about when she talks about reparenting... I don't like this process one little bit.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I think in my own messed up little head that self-harm is such a "no big deal" thing to me that I forget that normal people do see it as a big deal and something that is dangerous. I've lived with these strong feelings and thought for so long, it's somewhat normal. And I don't see it as the huge emergency everyone else does.

But you know now, after this experience. That's all it takes, an actual experience, actual knowledge instead of just what we "think". You can still think of it as "no big deal" if that is how it feels to you but you now know that if you text someone about self-harm and feeling the urge, etc. that most of the people out there who care about you will be concerned.

You don't have a brick missing just not enough experience. That's part of what makes therapy so wonderful, we get new experiences in how other people see things, how a relatively "normal" person (our therapist) does things, etc. Everyone has to learn the stuff first, if, after you learn it you still mess up -- well, that's a different problem.

[Asiablue]

Yes, I know that in future I need to be clearer about what I need from my T. Self-harm is not something I discuss with anyone else because I know how alarming it is to others. But with my T, I dunno, i just expected it not to be that worrying to her. That's the surprise to me.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

That means I have to make mistakes to learn where the boundaries are, to learn all of the things I don't yet understand. Making mistakes terrifies me. This is probably what my T is talking about when she talks about reparenting... I don't like this process one little bit.

Argh! I know what you mean. I'd rather suffer through a month of lonely misery than email T and risk putting my foot in it.
Last session I was trying to explain something and T asked me if I wanted him to tell me I was special. Outwardly I laughed it off - me? special? are you nuts? Inwardly though I was all Argh! backup backup nevermind forgetIsaidthat.
I have no idea how I'm going to get through this