To call or not to call? (Wall of text)

First of all I wanted to say sorry for not being very active here lately but still posting for help now. Sorry. I am always reading though.
So the break is almost over for me. It should be 4 days to go OR tomorrow as T told me that it could be also possible instead of our usual day, given the longer break. We didn't decide though. Last time I wrote her he time I would be available on these 2 days and "speak to you when you are back to choose the day". I did well at keeping it together but had a horrible month packed with negative things and thoughts and my ptsd is way worse than ever. Anyway, am I supposed to be the first to call her to schedule? I really don't want to.. It is incredibly difficult to me to call first. I miss her but I'm banned from reaching out for help when I feel bad (whether it is physical or mental or friends/parents or t) - she knows and we were working on it. I just want to hide and not have to say what is going on because in my experience I get abandoned when I'm not good enough and this time I relapsed a bit and couldn't do some of my homework. I never contacted T during this month and in my worst moments I really wished I could have her help and at the same time I didn't want to see her ever again so I would not have to talk. Of course I know she is there to help but it is really hard and I think about her holiday and "spoiling" her return home and I really don't feel entitled to do that (as absurd as it may sound as she must have other clients!) And I probably won't be able to discuss it at the session and will make a mess wasting our time. Being the first to ask for a session really bothers me. I'm tempted to just let the days pass and not give any signal but it's not exactly what I need plus it doesn't feel fair to her at all.

Sorry sorry sorry for the rant.
Anyway, do you think it's fair to contact the therapist first to schedule even if you were the last one to answer? Or does it sounds insistent and you usually wait for the therapist? We generally book sessions face to face in advance but this time I don't know what is best to do, and now also this state of mind. Thanks for making it through this rant..!

Maybe if you just see this as a simple scheduling enquiry rather than a reaching out for help it might be easier? From your post and I could have misinterpreted it, it read like you would contact her on her return to arrange a session. Generally they won't contact you as it is a clients job to schedule the session at least it is where I'm from.
I'm sorry your having so much trouble reaching out for help and I'm really pleased she's back and you'll see her this week. I hope you manage to send a text to sort this out. Thinking of you

Thank you Willowleaf. You understood well, we agreed that we would decide the day and time once she would be back, I anticipated my availability so I thought she might have got back to me in these days to say when she wants to schedule but if you tell me the patient usually contacts the T then I will if she doesn't do it today. I feared I would sound pressuring contacting her since the last text was mine. Thanks - well I guess we won't schedule for tomorrow at this point, but maybe it's better so, I have a few more days to think and then I won't have to wait 10 days between for the session after..